situation update

[JMA707]

Well, its been about 2 1/2 months since the break up. I haven't really posted anything new since the beginning of the break up, more just reading and replying to others threads. So, i thought i'd give a little update on my situation.

 

Today marks around a little over 2 1/2 months since she left me.

During the first weeks i was completely devastated by her leaving me, and on some levels i still am; but i've been improving myself. It's only been a couple months, but right now i'm 10 times better than i ever was before. I got a new job, i picked up hobbies i always wanted to do but never had the time for, and i got in the best shape of my life. Even after all these improvements though, i still find myself thinking about her. What she's doing and who she's with. Well, I guess i know that last one. She's with the "new guy". The intial shock factor of her leaving me has gone away but its still there to some extent. To think that they have already been together for a little over a month (she started dating this guy almost exactly a month after we broke up), when only 2 months ago she was saying how much she loved ME.

 

It just kills me so much to think about what they are doing...It kills me to know that he's going to touch her; that they're going to do the things we always used to do. Most of all, it kills me to know that she could have feelings for another guy. I love this girl so much..I would be willing to wait years for her...I would do anything for her. I would do anything to have her back in my life..but i know that the only thing i can really do right now is disappear from her life completely. I know only once I'm completely gone do i have a chance to ever talk to her again.

 

It's been a couple of weeks since we last talked. She basically said that we have to start NC because according to her "We promised to stop talking to our exes". The last time we talked was around 2 weeks ago. She asked me why i didn't tell her i was back in town (I left Cali and flew to DC to stay with a couple of friends in the beginning of the breakup). I responded by saying that i didn't want her to have to worry about seeing me or anything because we live in a really small town. She replied with "J..i wouldn't care if i saw you again or not." I didn't really know what to say at that...now that i think about it that was a really cold and mean thing to say to me. Anyways i told her that i accepted that she left me, that i still loved her more than anything, that i wished her nothing but the best, and that i hope that one day we could talk again (meaning if they ever broke up or something).

 

I know it isn't good to hold onto hope, but i really do hope that one day we can talk again. I know it most likely won't ever happen because who knows, her and this "new guy" could never break up. It's not my place to judge their relationship. Even though its over i just feel like it can't end like this. I realize what i did wrong, i hurt her unknowingly; but i learned. I've come out of this stronger than i've ever been, figuratively and literally. I know one day it won't hurt as bad as it does right now, but i also know that on some levels this will always hurt me. A part of me will always love her because she was the first person i ever let in. Before her i was a very guarded person; i never let anyone get close to me. She was just different, i don't know how to explain it. I let her 100% in and that was my biggest mistake; one that i will never make again.

 

I've come out of this experience with a different outlook on life. I've found myself coming onto LS more and more because another thing i realized is that when something tragic happens in your life (like a breakup), people are fast to jump on the "help wagon", but theyre also fast to jump off it too. At this point i don't talk to any friends about my emotional issues because the only responses i get go something along the lines of, "Your still torn up over this? It's already been a couple of months! Get over it already". Or something like that. I know they are just trying to give me a slice of reality, but I can already see the situation for what it is. She left me, she said she doesn't love me or feel anything for me anymore, and we can't have any contact while she's with this new guy.

 

Anyways, sorry this was so long i kinda went into a rant haha. I just wanted to post my situation at this point, hopefully it can help others who were in my shoes a couple of months ago. Losing someone you love is one of worst pains you can ever experience; i know that pain now.