hbogie Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Something clicked today in my head... and it wasn't good. Actually it made me really po'd at myself. I know it's no good to dwell on the past and I'm trying to stop doing that. But you HAVE to learn from it or it was all a big waste of time and you will repeat the same stupid mistakes. She didn't deal with her alcoholism and depression in healthy ways....but that is the other side of the equation. That was the part I couldn't control. That was her fault in all this. That she will have to learn for herself if she is ever to find happiness in life. But her fault in all this is not what this entry is all about. This one is about me. Where I f'd up. It takes two to make a marriage fail. Today for the first time I have to admit mine was a bigger part than I want to admit. But I have to. I never REALLY f'n listened. I was a good listener so to speak. I was never one to just run my mouth. She never was great at communicating what was in her head. But man, looking back she did more than I thought she did. After our first year together that winter she left for a few days. It was bad. I remember now. But she did come back, said she loved me and couldn't leave me. Right then and there we should have sought counceling. There was already years of issues that had not been dealt with. There was things she said she wanted from me and I didn't deliver. Some were maybe unrealistic, but many were things I could have worked on. A few I did, but not enough. I took her for granted and never thought she would leave me for good. Things went on, the problems grew, the divide got bigger, and slowly she must have wandered and sought and got what she was missing from others (her online EA's). There's no excuse for that, but I am part to blame for driving her away. In many ways she kept things to herself and that is not my fault.... but I think she thought I wouldn't listen. And in some ways she was partly right. Last summer came and things got bad again. She talked about separation. We almost didn't go on our trip to England. I convinced her otherwise, but now I know from this point in our relationship on, her heart just wasn't really in it anymore. She drifted more to her EA, she withdrew more from me, and I kept on not listening. Not paying attention. Not seeing the signs. What a dumb*ss I was. Hell, I even found her reading "To Good To Leave, To Bad To Stay". I remember now counceling may have been mentioned a few times. I should have pushed harder for that. But I ignored the problem. Thought it would just go away. Thought it was almost all her fault, thought I was being a good enough husband..... and on it went. And she withdrew even more. Last winter she had a change of heart. I realize now it was my one last chance. And in some ways I blew it. Thought things were better. Still didn't listen. Didn't pay attention to the obvious. The problems hadn't gone away. Again some of it was unrealistic expectations on her end. Life is not like the movies. As she withdrew again that spring. I started trying to spend more time with her. But I didn't address the right things. I didn't address the core problems. It was probably too late at this point. Her heart was somewhere else. I had lost her emotionally. I was partly to blame for driving her there. I went away for work training for 2 weeks in May. It was just as tough for me as it was for her. I missed her so much the whole time. Than it came out there were real problems. It was starting to fall apart. Little did I know what she had planned (her trip to meet EA). She was preparing to leave me. One day we had a fight and she told me her therapist recommended marriage councelling. I was a little peaved about her pro and con list because some things on there I couldn't do anything about. Others I could have and was too f'n stubborn. All the cons seemed trivial to me. All the big stuff I thought was (and is) important were on the good side. I figured I was doing enough. Doing my part. And what did I f'n say??? What the h*** good is marriage councelling gonna do. You dumb f'n a*****. You stupid stupid a*****! That was the f'n door closing on my marriage.... and that's what I came out and said. Maybe it was already closed.... I dunno. She already had planned to go to Maine and meet her EA. I think she had already checked out. But man do I wish I could take that one moment back. That will forever haunt me. The one WTF was I thinking moment. And then it all fell apart..... it was just a matter of time. Nothing can excuse the things she did. They were so wrong, the ultimate betrayal. There will never be any going back. It's all so damaged now. Burned to the ground, for both of us. But I have to face the truth in this. The part I played in all this. And it was much bigger than I wanted to admit. But at least I'm seeing it now. At least I can learn from it, and guarantee I will never ever EVER make that mistake again. I'm learning what to look out for. What to really listen for. Not to be so f'n stubborn in my ways. To address the issues before it's too late. To really listen and give what my partner needs and not what I think they need. But also to find one that will communicate to me these needs and encourage that. And when they do.....Listen you a*****.....and then do it! I'm so sorry for my part in this. I'm not afraid of admitting it now and am embracing it. In some ways, I f'd up too........
hopesndreams Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 This one is about me. Where I f'd up. It takes two to make a marriage fail. Sometimes, it only takes one.
giotto Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 She didn't deal with her alcoholism and depression in healthy ways....but that is the other side of the equation. it might be, but that's where your answer lies...
PWSX3 Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 It does take two & you have taken the first step. You realize what you can change & do & that is all...... Most of our problems we have now come from something that wasn't resolved in our past & so we have to deal with it again. Sometimes we aren't sure what it is until we really dig in & look at ourselves. Now you know what your part was so what are you going to do about it????? You might not get our spouse back but it can help your next relationship....
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