When your true love leaves you for good reason and you want them back!

[Ison28]

Okay, here goes. My ex and I were together a little over 4 years. I have been an opiate addict for about 8 years. When we got together she knew I had a drug problem, but I don't think she fully understood how serious it was. At first, it was like she didn't care or she was willing to overlook it just to be with me. I mean, I have a really good job and I have always worked. She is getting ready to graduate college this coming spring. I always loved her but I did put my addiction ahead of her. Not because I wanted to, it's just that the addiction had total power over me. Anyway, things started getting better in Jan., 2008. I got clean and stayed clean until Oct., 2008. Then I had a relapse. I relapsed until Dec.2008. Then I got clean again and have remained clean. It is now Sept. of 2009. Well, at the end of May, 2009 she broke up with me. About a month later she started dating a guy that started working with her. To my knowledge she didn't know the guy until after our break up. During the relapse, it was like she just gave up. We were engaged, had a big fight, I threw the engagement ring out in a field and couldn't find it. Big fight, but we stayed together about 7 more months. Things weren't right, I know she was hurt, but she just wouldn't talk it out with me. She started going to church about 2 or 3 years ago. She never partied much and quit all together after she started going to church. She did so not only for her own soul, but to pray for me to get clean and stay clean. I don't know, it's like she lost all hope that I would be able to stay clean. But after the break up and when she started seeing this other guy, she started going out and drinking and partying. Just doing things that she never wanted to do before. Why is this? The guy she is with is a loser, he has a kid and won't work or pay child support. He is honestly ugly to. She is like a 10. No joke. I don't understand the relationship at all. I just don't understand any of it. One day, we were talking, she left with a bye and an I love you. The next day, she just wouldn't speak to me again. It's like she is doing everything she can to hurt me. I don't understand. This breakup has changed my life. Most definately the hardest thing I've ever been through. I always treated her good, but I did put my addiction ahead of her. I am so sorry for my past. I truly love her. I would give my life up for her. She still won't even speak to me and it's been almost 4 months. What do I do? Is there any chance at all? And if there is should I even take her back after she has been with someone else? I don't know if they've had sex, but I am just trying to be realistic. Please, help me with this. She loved me so much, stood by me through so much, prayed for me so much. All of this touches my heart and it makes me want her back even more. I do love her with all my heart. Please, give me some advice.

[Taucher]

Hello,

 

My thoughts on this.

 

Firstly, I will be honest. Your addiction adds an extra dimension to your situation that I am not sure I am qualified to give any advice on. I will try though. God loves a tryer eh?!

 

Your break up does sound pretty standard in many ways though. It is hard to know whether she left you because of your addiction or because of something else. This is important. My gf left me after 5 years, for no real reason that I can see. She just fell out of love with me. Your ex MIGHT have left you BECAUSE of your addiction. On the other hand, she MIGHT have left you because she has fallen out of love with you. You say her new man is a loser. Maybe he is but maybe she likes him because he does not have a drug problem. Usually when a woman leaves a man I am inclined to think that it is almost definitely over. In your case, I suspect that she might have left you because of your addiction but that she still loves you. You say yourself that you put your addiction first. That is quite a major thing for her.

 

IF your ex left you because she has fallen out of love with you, then you are in the same boat as almost everyone on this forum and she almost definitely wont come back. If she left you because of your addiction, then she MAY come back if you fight your addiction. I suspect that you know the answer to why she left - you say she lost all hope you would become clean, that she did not realise how big the issue was when you first started seeing each other. I think that it is a pretty big deal for her - and you have some awareness of how it might have affected her. Your awareness is potentially VERY positive.

 

Have you tried to fight your addiction, I mean REALLY fight? You need to fight it for her, but mainly you need to fight it for you. Become clean and she MAY come back. If she doesnt come back, then you have still fought this thing and won.

 

You ask why she has started going out drinking and partying in a way that she never did before. There are 3 possible reasons.

 

1) She has had a release from the strain of being in love with a man who has a drug problem and is just letting her hair down.

 

2) She is trying to hide the pain and put a brave face on.

 

3) This maybe is what she has always wanted to do. She cared (and cares) for you, so therefore being a carefree party girl who gets drunk might make her feel like she is condoning your drug taking, so she stopped herself when you were going out. My personal experience of this is that my Mum is an alcoholic. So when I see my mum I avoid alcohol or representing any positive representations of alcohol (even though I like a drink as much as the next Englishman!). She might have wanted to remain in control to be strong for the both of you when you were together.

 

OK, those are my thoughts. I hope I havent said anything to offend you, they are just my opinions and could be wide of the mark.

 

Take care

 

T

[Ison28]

No, you have not offended me in the least. I just want some answers. She won't speak to me or nothing. I don't understand that. Why? Why can't she just explain things to me? Is that asking to much? I don't know, but thanks for your opinion.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

No, you have not offended me in the least. I just want some answers. She won't speak to me or nothing. I don't understand that. Why? Why can't she just explain things to me? Is that asking to much? I don't know, but thanks for your opinion.

A person can only take so much no matter how much you love another there has to be a cut off point other wise you risk losing you self as well.

 

Sounds like she stood by you until she couldn't any more of course shes had sex with the new guy but honestly its none of your business shes clearly moved on and so should you!

 

Take it as a learning experience to not put your addictions ahead of the ones you love or you will eventually lose them for good. Sorry don't mean to be harsh but you need to just let her go.

 

Sure a explanation would be nice but I think you really know why she left shes cut you off as a coping method to let herself heal and move on so leave her be now and move on yourself..

[countingufosagain]

I see a couple of challenges that may be causing her to run away. First and foremost, stop trying to contact her (it will be hard). Right now you are chasing and appearing to be needy thus losing your value. This is not working to get her back so stop this failing approach. Secondly, take her off of the pedestal that you have her on and realize that you are just as worthy of her or anyone else for that matter. Thirdly, work on getting yourself back. We often take on a different identity when we're with someone that we care about. Start taking care of yourself or involve yourself in something that keeps your mind occupied. This way you can get back to feeling good in your own skin.

 

Most importantly, stay off the sh_t. When i first got involved with my ex i was popping Vicodin like it was tic tacs. That stuff only makes you feel worse.

 

Last but not least, who cares if she's seeing this dude. You will only stand to look better when the new relationship high fades. He's not the challenge right now, you becoming more attractive is. Somewhere along the line she lost attraction and that's what will bring her back if it's going to happen. So what if she's been intimate with him, i'm sure she was with someone before you.

 

All this stuff is irrelevant until you work on bettering yourself. Go back to demonstrating all of the traits you possessed before you got together because that's what she was attracted to in the first place (minus the drugs). I learned to have just as much fun sober as I did doped up. I haven't taken any Vicodin in 4.5 years and the thought of it makes my stomach turn.

 

I appreciate your feedback on my post as I felt that she was trying to find a way to communicate with me. I was the instigator in ending our relationship and I too have gone out on a couple dates but I still think about my ex. You're constantly comparing this new person to the old and it's not fair to the new person. I've decided to remain solo to allow myself to heal before I make someone feel the confusion i do now. Please know that you're right that most people don't turn off their feelings like a light switch.

[Ison28]

thank you countingufosagain. I have been clean for quite a while now and will remain clean. Spansthemonkey, i don't know, you may be right about the boiling point thing. But you have no idea how much i love this girl. yes i took her for granted. i deserved to be dumped. but i also know that i have paid enough for my mistakes. i know that no man could love her as much as i do. i also know that no man could care for her the way i could. how do i know this? because there is literally nothing that i wouldn't do for her. nothing. i would die for her. no man would work harder to give her the things in life. countingufosagain, i appreciate what u said. some people think that if you have had a past in drugs, that automatically makes u a bad person. this is not the case. a lot of good people makes the mistakes of falling victim to addiction. losing her has given me so much. i have developed a relationship with God, i have become self reliant and self sufficient. i have learned the consequences of taking someone for granted. spanksthemonkey, u may be right, maybe she is totally through with me, but i hope not. in fact i pray not. everyday, every night, i pray she'll come back to me. i don't believe she is serious about this guy, he is the first guy she went out with after we broke up, the very first guy. i just wish i could have one adult conversation with her, regardless of the outcome. just one conversation.

[Angel1111]

Once you quit your addiction and then went back to it, her faith in you died. The problem is, you must take responsibility for what you've done here and realize that you were willing to risk losing her over this. Now that you have lost her and reality is staring you square in the face, you don't want to pay for the consequences. The fact that you chose to start your addiction back up again says that you were willing to put your addiction ahead of everything else. And this is the result of that. I will add that I disagree with your statement that you always treated her well. You did not. Just by being an addict, you did not treat her well.

 

Her relationship with this other guy is irrelevant to your situation. She is apparently really good at picking bad guys, which is why she was with you and why she's with him. Let her figure it out. It's doubtful, though, that the relationship will last so I'm guessing that if you leave her alone, she'll probably come back around at some point.

 

I really don't know why she just stopped talking to you and didn't even bother to let you know why she was leaving. Maybe it was because she felt guilty, or because she has talked to you about the same topic so many times that she really doesn't see any point in discussing it again. She might reason that perhaps action will get your attention where words did not. In her mind, you had your chance with her and you blew it. That's not to say that you can't win her back but if you even come within 100 miles of your addiction again, you will continue to lose. You must stop this habit immediately and do whatever it takes to accomplish that. You're screwing up your life and everyone else's around you. The next step is to just leave her alone and let her think. If you keep contacting her, you'll just drive her further and further away.

 

Get a handle on your own life and then you'll be in a position to be with her again. If she returns and you're back in druggie land, it's game over.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

thank you countingufosagain. I have been clean for quite a while now and will remain clean. Spansthemonkey, i don't know, you may be right about the boiling point thing. But you have no idea how much i love this girl. yes i took her for granted. i deserved to be dumped. but i also know that i have paid enough for my mistakes. i know that no man could love her as much as i do. i also know that no man could care for her the way i could. how do i know this? because there is literally nothing that i wouldn't do for her. nothing. i would die for her. no man would work harder to give her the things in life. countingufosagain, i appreciate what u said. some people think that if you have had a past in drugs, that automatically makes u a bad person. this is not the case. a lot of good people makes the mistakes of falling victim to addiction. losing her has given me so much. i have developed a relationship with God, i have become self reliant and self sufficient. i have learned the consequences of taking someone for granted. spanksthemonkey, u may be right, maybe she is totally through with me, but i hope not. in fact i pray not. everyday, every night, i pray she'll come back to me. i don't believe she is serious about this guy, he is the first guy she went out with after we broke up, the very first guy. i just wish i could have one adult conversation with her, regardless of the outcome. just one conversation.

I'm not trying to judge you my friend it sounds like you have really worked hard to clean yourself up good for you not allot of people have the strength to do that!

 

But!! in a way you have traded one addiction for another your now addicted to the hope she will come back to you and as you know addictions of any kind can never be a positive thing right? they consume your thoughts/actions until it takes over your entire life.

 

Let her truly go for a while at least take that time to really work on yourself and be happy/content with the person you are 1st. Then if its meant to be she will come back.

 

Like another poster pointed out she seams to have a bad pattern of choosing negative relationships. Not that you would be one now but women like this tend to repeat allot but what ever you do don't chase her..

[Lisalisa2]

a healthy relationship comes from two healthy people. work on yourself. get healthy. make a plan. you say you won't relapse, but you have before. what is different this time?

[Ison28]

Well, there are several reasons that allow me to know that this time is different. For one, I took this breakup very hard. During the first couple months, I considerred suicide, it was at this time that God spoke to me. He opened my eyes to the situation and made me take a good look at myself and my faults. I went to him and I can not even begin to tell you the changes that has made in my life. Secondly, the desire for the addiction is gone. I can't explain it, all the times before when I tried to quit, I was always thinking of the drug, now I don't and if I do, I think of all the pain it has caused in my life. Thirdly, I am so determined to prove to her and everyone else that I can live a sober and clean life. When she left me, this determination manifested into some kind of quest. I can't explain it, but I do know that this determination is what kept me clean the first couple months before I accepted Jesus Christ into my life. Not that I was wanting to use then, but I was thinking about it as a means to an end (suicide). Now I am doing good, not only on the outside, but also on the inside. I am happy with my life and my self, for the first time I can remember. And because of this, I want her in my life even more, to share this with her, this joy. It is all she used to say she wanted and I have it, I just wish she'd see it or allow herself to.

[Exit]

I know how you feel. My problems weren't as serious as an addiction, but I was depressed, suffered from social anxiety, and had anger issues. Like you, the breakup was such a painful experience that finally something made me realize that I needed to change, and I spent months working on myself and trying to prove it to her. She refused to go out with me, so my only option was to go out with friends, go to movies, go to dinner, and then write to her to tell her about it, trying to convince her that I was conquering my social anxiety. I went to a psychiatrist and while I didn't agree to take the prescription she gave me, I did start taking some natural supplements for my depression. I forced myself out of my comfort zone, when people would call me and I felt like being a bum and staying at home, I would just force myself to go. I got a new job, did a lot of different things.

 

Like you, I kept saying to myself "if she'd only allow herself to see it". I succeeded at changing, but unfortunately she wouldn't even allow me one more day with her to try to show her the difference.