Boos Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Can I get your opinions on something? If one person in a marriage screws up big time, then that person has to kiss ass for a little while, isn't that the rule? Flowers, bj, nice dinner, clean the house, something? Isn't that everybody's rule? Why does my husband believe all he should have to do is say sorry and then lay low for a while till it blows over? I'd be interested in how many marriages go the way *I* think they should. I'm way angrier about him decidedly half-assing the apology than about what he actually did.
Thaddeus Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Depends on the nature of the infraction, I think. If he left the toilet seat up or forgot to get milk on the way home from work, that's one thing. If he inadvertently set the house on fire, that's something else. What'd he do?
Trialbyfire Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 It depends on what he did. The magnitude of restitution should fit the crime. Also, restitution doesn't need to come in material ways, although it can. But what is material restitution unless his crime was material in nature.
Author Boos Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 You're absolutely right. And even though none of you know who I am, I'm still hesitant to air dirty laundry online . Suffice it to say it had to do with dishonesty and was not insignificant. Not a deal-breaker, but a serious no-no. He screwed up and he knows it.
silverfish Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 If it was a trust issue, then I don't think it makes a lot of difference how much sorrying arselicking goes on really. It's up to the person to prove they are trustworthy, and up to you whether you forgive them or not. This takes a while to never depending on the misdemeanor
Athena Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Can I get your opinions on something? If one person in a marriage screws up big time, then that person has to kiss ass for a little while, isn't that the rule? Flowers, bj, nice dinner, clean the house, something? Isn't that everybody's rule? Why does my husband believe all he should have to do is say sorry and then lay low for a while till it blows over? I'd be interested in how many marriages go the way *I* think they should. I'm way angrier about him decidedly half-assing the apology than about what he actually did. awww -- Just ask him outright for that BJ you feel you are missing out on! lol
carhill Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Significant dishonesty merits MC, IMO. There's a breakdown somewhere. Sucking up without resolving the underlying issues is a poorly applied and ineffectual band-aid.
mem11363 Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 As the man, I am wrong 90 percent or more of the time in our arguments. When I screw something up big I absolutely make amends. Nice dinner, unusually helpful in general, stuff I have been promising to fix might get fixed. Whatever it is that will show true contrition. And I do not do that stuff grudgingly. I do it out of a genuine sense of remorse. And yes, I also do it to be forgiven, but I mainly want to forgive myself first. A half assed apology and a full blown apology are both the same 100 percent air. How about walking the walk of remorse. Anyone can talk the talk. Is he normally childish/insecure or is there an element of this dynamic: "you caught me doing something wrong, but you had to search my room to find it so - you are just as guilty as me" Can I get your opinions on something? If one person in a marriage screws up big time, then that person has to kiss ass for a little while, isn't that the rule? Flowers, bj, nice dinner, clean the house, something? Isn't that everybody's rule? Why does my husband believe all he should have to do is say sorry and then lay low for a while till it blows over? I'd be interested in how many marriages go the way *I* think they should. I'm way angrier about him decidedly half-assing the apology than about what he actually did.
Trialbyfire Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 mem, male or female, anyone's who's 90% of the time in the wrong, points to a highly critical spouse, who is unable to communicate her needs in an assertive fashion, previous to the infraction.
carhill Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 "Son, would you rather be 90% wrong or alone?" "Alone"
Author Boos Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 Do material items repair lost trust? I haven't lost trust! We all screw up some times, and that's what happened here. Mem - that's exactly what I was trying to say: "making amends", thank you! That sounds way better than kissing butt... And no, no pattern of anything sinister or wrong. This is just a pattern of he doesn't feel that apologies need to be accompanied with anything. Never has. I get flowers for no reason occasionally, but never when I'm angry. *le sigh* I guess maybe his parents didn't work that way.
Thaddeus Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Here's the crux of the whole thing:We all screw up some times, and that's what happened here.Exactly. Nobody's perfect, we all foul up on occasion (except my mother - just ask her,she's perfect!) . Maybe, just maybe, this isn't about him or what he did wrong after all. Maybe it's about your ability to forgive (not said with irony, aggression or judgment).
carhill Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Hold up....you said "dishonesty and not insignificant". Did he lie about the downpayment on that canoe or ???. What does this mean? Do you think men are overgrown boys who need to be disciplined? I'm getting a feeling here...
Trialbyfire Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I haven't lost trust! We all screw up some times, and that's what happened here.If it's not a big deal and if he's apologized and stated he won't do it again, it's time to let it go. So now that I know a little more about the situation, in that it's not a big deal as perceived by Boos, I would say that no, he doesn't owe you restitution, in the form of flowers or services rendered.
Author Boos Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 awww -- Just ask him outright for that BJ you feel you are missing out on! lol Oh, I WILL get my bj OK, I guess I *am* being petty. I'll try to get over myself. Thank you all for your input!
HappyAgain Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 My ex was like that all the time. I lived with it for years and years and I finally got tired of his lack of sincerity. He even was like that with EAs and PAs. I was in my own little world believing that he loved me and was truly sorry until I finally woke up and realized that he was just using me. I was the security at home while he did whatever he wanted outside of the home. Small infractions aside (we all make them) a partner should do a lot more than mouth the words "I'm sorry" for serious mistakes and if they don't, how can it mean that they truly regret making the infraction?!?
giotto Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 we can't give you any advice if we dont' know what he's done!
Joie de Vivre Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Can I get your opinions on something? If one person in a marriage screws up big time, then that person has to kiss ass for a little while, isn't that the rule? Flowers, bj, nice dinner, clean the house, something? Isn't that everybody's rule? Why does my husband believe all he should have to do is say sorry and then lay low for a while till it blows over? I'd be interested in how many marriages go the way *I* think they should. I'm way angrier about him decidedly half-assing the apology than about what he actually did. My fiance usually apologizes and does a lot of sweet things for me.. If I am sad from an argument or something he did. If I am angry, he apologizes and lay low. my married friend has this issue too, I think it's because she forgives him every time he screws up. so he feels less need to do anything about it and just apologizes -- cause he knows sooner or later she will forgive. It becomes a habit. sorry it's not much help
EmmaLou Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Hi Boo... If that's what you expect then he should maybe try and make the effort, if that's what will help make it up to you. Do you think he's giving the half apology to piss you off, or because he might not realise how much you need a full effort? For me, I don't like the idea of that kind of making up.. But everyone is different! When my partner and I have an argument, all I want is a good discussion about it and for us to clear the air, and to try and work on whatever caused the argument in the first place. We always feel closer afterwards and that it's fully resolved. Butt kissing just feels a bit false and empty, like they're only doing that stuff to get into your good books. I want flowers when he feels like buying them for me, not because he pissed me off..
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