The Double-Edged Sword of a Freshman Year Break-Up

[Slosha]

I had been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years and had been really close friends since 2nd grade. I am now a freshman in college and she goes to school about 2.5 hours from here.

 

We broke up after 2 weeks of school. That's it. One phone call. Done.

 

I had never been a depressed person (though she was and felt I saved her life on numerous occasions), but I called a crisis hot-line and saw a counselor for the first time in my life. I was so confused and mad and destroyed. She said she wants to completely reinvent herself. She wants to go wild and be social. That night she drank 'til she puked - something she would never do (and I know she was not in her right mind when she did it). She feels attracted to all these "interesting" people and she felt guilty being with me.

 

The next morning I texted her, saying that I was so alone (had only been in college about 10 days and had come from a REALLY small town). We talked and it did not help. I told her I would never text her or call her again until she does first. I said "bye," she said "I love you," and I said "bye" (I HATE that she said "I love you").

 

In a meeting with the counselor I realized that my actions were quite dis-empowering. I took this to heart thinking, "it's time to take control. I don't know if she has regrets or feels remorse, but I can't wait for her forever."

 

So I texted her that I need to take control and that I will call her at 9pm. I said that If she doesn't answer, I will never know why I loved her; I will know she doesn't care.

 

She texted back that I was being ridiculous because I said I wouldn't call her or text her (which is odd, considering she said "I love you"). She said she just wasn't physically attracted to me anymore and has realized it more and more since we broke up. I got so mad at her and said some things I shouldn't have. I told her she is headed for a fall and that nobody will be there for her when she needs them - that everyone around her is in a game and it will all happen again.

 

She dealt with this whole thing in the WORST possible way. She never, ever showed any signs that she felt the ways she expressed (which leads me to believe that she is also very confused and was maybe grasping for random reasons why we didn't work). She visited me and I visited her and NOTHING was wrong. I cannot except that she will change because I honestly do not believe it. However, from the conversation I initiated I realized that there is no sense in waiting. Yes, she may call me in 3 months or 2 years begging for forgiveness, but I just cannot wait.

 

Days are so strange now. When I wake up and go to sleep I get depressed, but sometimes I am euphoric. I am in this place with nobody I know and everything feels so shallow. But then an hour later it's all beautiful and everyone is so nice and I am happy we broke up because I deserve better.

I am alone and surrounded, it seems.

 

The worst part is I know I would take her back. How could she possibly just put everything that we had behind her? There was SO much in our private worlds that we shared. I think every day about how she could go off with some guy and have sex (we were waiting until we knew we would marry). I know that if she would do that, I would never forgive her, but if I would have a girlfriend and do that first, then I would probably understand.

 

I don't even know what the problem is anymore. I still feel like I'm waiting for her. I see pretty girls everywhere here and sometimes I think about my ex and realize that maybe I truly never loved her. Maybe it was all about pride - that I had the exact same feelings she did but that I just couldn't express them because I wanted it all to work. Maybe I just had her as a symbol to prove to myself that I could beat out all the others and win her. She was so dependent on me. She said she only woke up sometimes because she knew she would see me - but it just didn't mean anything. The only reason it ever worked was because I was there. Now I'm not and these others are.

 

I want to hate her and blame her and justify that she is an awful person, but I just can't. I know she can be such a good person to me and I can't stand the thought that somebody else can make her eternally happy. I can't stand the thought that she could just drop me like that after such a large portion of our lives was spent together. I want to talk to her but know that I never can because it will not help - she will not let it help. The happiest thing that could happen would be to come home and find her waiting for me to take everything back. I know I would accept her instantly... but two days later I KNOW I would question if I really even want her back. It seems that it has all just been a game of winning her as a prize just to prove to myself that I could. I feel that taking her back would only make me feel that I had "won" and I would regret it the very next day.

 

I don't even really expect a response; I don't really know if there is anything to say. Just getting this all down on paper and knowing that others know my story helps. To any college freshmen out there: know that I can be a person to talk to if things ever get bad. The magnitude of these emotions is ten times anything I've felt in my life and this is one of the worst possible times to be going through this - 3 exams next week.

 

Thanks for reading.

[JaggedRoad]

I know how you feel, believe me. My ex left me after being in a committed relationship of over three years for a reason similar to the one your ex gave you. It's definitely going to suck for a long time. It has been nearly 2 months since the break-up and I'm still feeling like crap. I suggest you go NC with her right away. I made the mistake of trying to be friends with her since the break-up and it only made matters worse. Go NC! Try to make new friends and go out with them and have fun with your new life. Like you said, you cannot wait for her to change her mind and go back to you.

 

You do deserve better, so pull yourself together and live your life without her.

[New_life]

slosha, sorry to read all this. god I can relate to it all. Im in the same boat, I never cried and now I cry for her soo much.

 

Youre right on thinking you probably want her back to not hurt your ego. I have been thinking this as well, is this pain confusing it for true love?.

 

Its funny, they use you when theyre down promising you eternal love, and once theyre great they want others and leave you like trash. I dont know what to tell you Im so pissed at my ex and so hurt, I wish I could say I would never take her back. But this has to sink in, we are better than our exes, they will sooner or later crash and burn.

 

Hang in there dude and maintain no contact.

[callingyouuu]

I've gone through something similar in cause, and exactly the same in effect. I think the worst part is getting to know someone really well but then having her suddenly change into someone you don't recognize. It kind of leaves you with this really empty feeling inside, largely because someone who had become such a big part of your life doesn't even really exist anymore. At least that's how I felt.

 

A big part of the reason that I STILL wanted to take her back was because I thought that version of her I had known for so long would still be there, would still be there to comfort me. I like to think that part of her is still there, but it's her decision to become someone I can't be attracted to, so it was time to move on.

 

I just wanted to make sure you know that these next few months are probably going to be some of the most difficult of your life thus far. I also want to let you know that you have complete control over how you handle these next few months. You can't control your feelings, but you can control how you react to them. You can sit in your room thinking about the past, or you can escape the grasp of someone who doesn't love you anymore, greet a few new people who might become potential friends, and look towards the future.

 

If you want, you can let her know that you need some time to yourself, but you NEED to go on very strict No Contact. Your top priority is to heal yourself, and you can't do that if you keep indulging yourself with talking to her. It'll take some time, but you'll be fine. Trust me.

[Slosha]

I'll preface this by saying I'm at a high point right now and will probably crash later.

 

I have initiated NC. I unfriended her on Facebook two days ago and will not ever text/call/email her. I do not believe she really changed, and I never will. Everyone is entitled to ending a relationship at any time, but not without any reason (it could be as simple as "I'm just bored" as long as it's SOMETHING). It would have been easier if I could have seen it coming or if she would have shown any hints that the reasons she gave were true (reinforces my idea that she is just completely clueless right now and was throwing out insults and pseudo-reasons for the break up).

 

She is a good person - but not to me, and that's all that truly matters. She ****ed up. She didn't communicate. She was a coward. That's what I hold against her. I think right now there are so many new things in her life that she has no time to truly reflect on what she did and consider if it was right or wrong. She has not changed. Nobody does (at the levels I am referring to). She has been disheveled by all these new "toys." She is an unstable person, and I have found control in my life through this loss. I am completely confident that nobody on her campus will treat her as well as I did. I see myself in reflections and I am astounded at how attractive I am . I could get a girlfriend any day; It's just not necessary. There are SOOO many things to do here to fill the void - thus the "Double-Edge Sword" metaphor.

 

Personally, music has been incredibly powerful in healing this. I definitely recommend "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World (especially for college freshmen), pretty much any acoustic song by John Mayer ("Stop this Train" in particular), and "Colorblind" by Counting Crows. I like The Fray, too, but EVERY SINGLE one of their songs is about losing a girlfriend or some accentuation of a similar situation. Maybe I'll learn how to play guitar....

 

Anyone attending UW-Madison?

[JaggedRoad]

I'll preface this by saying I'm at a high point right now and will probably crash later.

 

I have initiated NC. I unfriended her on Facebook two days ago and will not ever text/call/email her. I do not believe she really changed, and I never will. Everyone is entitled to ending a relationship at any time, but not without any reason (it could be as simple as "I'm just bored" as long as it's SOMETHING). It would have been easier if I could have seen it coming or if she would have shown any hints that the reasons she gave were true (reinforces my idea that she is just completely clueless right now and was throwing out insults and pseudo-reasons for the break up).

 

She is a good person - but not to me, and that's all that truly matters. She ****ed up. She didn't communicate. She was a coward. That's what I hold against her. I think right now there are so many new things in her life that she has no time to truly reflect on what she did and consider if it was right or wrong. She has not changed. Nobody does (at the levels I am referring to). She has been disheveled by all these new "toys." She is an unstable person, and I have found control in my life through this loss. I am completely confident that nobody on her campus will treat her as well as I did. I see myself in reflections and I am astounded at how attractive I am . I could get a girlfriend any day; It's just not necessary. There are SOOO many things to do here to fill the void - thus the "Double-Edge Sword" metaphor.

 

Personally, music has been incredibly powerful in healing this. I definitely recommend "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World (especially for college freshmen), pretty much any acoustic song by John Mayer ("Stop this Train" in particular), and "Colorblind" by Counting Crows. I like The Fray, too, but EVERY SINGLE one of their songs is about losing a girlfriend or some accentuation of a similar situation. Maybe I'll learn how to play guitar....

 

Anyone attending UW-Madison?

 

Nope, but I wish I were close by so I could invite you to a few drinks.

 

Remember to keep NC. I made the mistake of breaking my NC and she took advantage of my emotional state each time. Well, I allowed her to take advantage by breaking NC, so it was my fault as well. If your ex is anything like my ex, be aware of her mental filter that allows her to justify her decision to break up with you. She may not have a decent reason for the break-up, so don't give her one now.

 

Just stay with NC and you will eventually make it through.

[Slosha]

I have a big calculus exam tomorrow and I can't stop thinking about checking her Facebook or texting her or calling her! I've felt so good for the past 3 days, and now I'm breaking down again. I still don't have closure and everything still hurts! I want nothing more than to have her back with me to snuggle and laugh and motivate each other... I'm so confused...

 

What went wrong with us? Who IS she? How is she so sure about this?

[JaggedRoad]

Change the password for your facebook account and don't memorize it. Deactivate your facebook account. Call a friend whenever you feel like contacting your ex, or start a blog and blog away. I'm 10 days into my NC and it still hurts for me as well, but I'm slowly getting to the point where I don't care about checking up on her. It's her life now, so there's no need for me to keep tabs on her. I asked my friends and relatives to remove my ex from their facebook and online messaging programs as well so I am completely removed from my ex's life.

[Slosha]

I posted here to stop myself from doing that (I haven't checked it since we talked last Thursday)... I just can't come to terms with it being HER life and this being MY life, after it had been OUR lives for so long. I want to care about her and I want her to care about me. I want to know that she feels bad or misses me. I just cannot convince myself that she actually did this and is going to be completely over me - and that she CHOSE to do it. She never once showed me that she was unhappy for any of the reasons she gave.

 

Everyone thinks she will crash and it just gives me this sense of hope that it will all be OK and go back to the old way, as long as I wait long enough. If she crashes now... I don't know how I'll stop myself from taking her back.

[JaggedRoad]

You need to accept that this is how things are now. I know it's hard, believe me. I was with my ex for over three years. I was supposed to get engaged to her next year and move to Scotland temporarily the year after. We were each other's world and suddenly things came crashing down.

 

It didn't seem like she was unhappy for the two months prior to the break-up either, but she was hiding her feelings. I've been told countless times by numerous people that girls are capable of feeling one way and behaving another way. This is something that you need to accept. Again, I know it is painfully difficult, but this is the way things have to be for now.

 

Please try to look past your emptiness right now and try to look at things in a different perspective. Was she completely happy? There must have been something that you were aware of even the lowest level of consciousness that indicated that there was something wrong. Maybe you wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away.

 

From January to April, things between my ex were a little awkward. I was depressed and things seemed to be dragging along. I didn't want to mention it because I was afraid. I also had the foolish idea that she would stay with me always no matter what because that's what she told me. Things picked up after April, but there were still times when things felt a little slow. I didn't do anything. I just let it happen. It was my fault. And things only got worse from late June to the day she came back from vacation. I was f'n clueless. She doesn't like mentioning things at times either, so that only made things worse. There was so little communication that it actually killed our relationship. I have to live with that fact. It is something that will always haunt me for the rest of my life. Believe me when I tell you that she was the one. She was the one that got away. She was flawed, but so is everyone else. I can't blame myself entirely for the downfall of the relationship. She sabotaged it as well, but I was taking everything for granted.

 

What I am trying to say with that long rant is--accept it for now. There is nothing you can do right now. Improve yourself during this time so you can show yourself and everyone else that you will be ok; you will survive. When your confidence is back, there will be other people looking for you. Please please don't do what I did after my break-up. I pursued her for nearly a month and she lost all respect for me. It got to the point where she mocked me and treated me like garbage. And to be honest, it was something that I deserved. I let my emotions take control and did the f'n stupidest things against everyone's advice. It hurts. It hurts like a bitch, but that's life. LIVE! Don't let this kill you. You are better than this. You are better than her. You will hurt all the time along the road of recovery, but that's how things are. It is something that you cannot change no matter how hard you try. Grab a time machine and go back in time? Good luck, things will happen one way or another. I cannot believe that I am actually telling you all this while I am miserable as well, but I want to lend you some advice and show you that you are not alone. Everyone here is hurting. Nothing in life is easy. Your ex was oblivious to that fact, but don't you be too. You are stronger than this. LIVE!

[ohboy101]

The funny part of this is I can relate. However, I can see the obvious when it is someone else. Cold hard facts: 2 weeks into college she want to explore her wild side (wants to be young experiment . . F*** who she wants wo guilt), meet other guys, etc.

 

You will not change her. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago . . . You aren't either. She is becoming someone different too (one that may like ***ing other guys). As hurt men, what do we need to see . . . The act of ****ing? Does she need to say it to our face (why, don't we already get it?). You are young, good looking . . . Move on and be happy. Take the memory, but move on. Leave her curious. Bump into her in a couple of years . . . You'll be laughing at yourself at that point.

[Slosha]

But it's more than that. We never had sex. We are both virgins. I don't know what to do. I wish we lost our virginity together. I can't imagine her being with some other guy, having a one night stand after everything we've been through. I feel like I'm left in the dust with my innocence as she moves on with everyone else. I don't want to have sex with some random girl, but I feel like I have to, as if EVERYONE has done it, or as if everyone got it out of the way in high school and I'm this loser who was left on the curb after adopting his girlfriend's morals.

 

I want to check her facebook to see if she's with somebody, but I know I shouldn't. I'm so miserable right now - we were supposed to be together for so long... What we had was so good. Why would she turn into some uber-slut?

[JaggedRoad]

So what you're really worried about is getting inside her pants.

 

Repeat the following to yourself 100 times until it sinks into your head: I only want her pussy.

 

Dude, be glad that you didn't lose your virginity to her. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Get that into your head right now!

 

I'm upset too dude, I never got to bang my ex from the back. Find the right girl and unleash your anger by pounding the crap out of her. You'll be happy =)

 

*waits for angry female and male posters*

[Lamak]

But it's more than that. We never had sex. We are both virgins. I don't know what to do. I wish we lost our virginity together. I can't imagine her being with some other guy, having a one night stand after everything we've been through. I feel like I'm left in the dust with my innocence as she moves on with everyone else. I don't want to have sex with some random girl, but I feel like I have to, as if EVERYONE has done it, or as if everyone got it out of the way in high school and I'm this loser who was left on the curb after adopting his girlfriend's morals.

 

I want to check her facebook to see if she's with somebody, but I know I shouldn't. I'm so miserable right now - we were supposed to be together for so long... What we had was so good. Why would she turn into some uber-slut?

First off, delete your facebook page, it only breeds drama. Now, you two aren't together anymore meaning that you two are living separate lives now. She may be out in an orgy or hanging out with her girlfriends 24/7, but you shouldn't concern yourself with that. Either way if you were a good guy and she left for a BS reason you have nothing to feel bad about. You did nothing wrong, the problem is her. She may feel invicible now, but most likely she will realize that the things around her at this point in her life are short term pleasures, and she lost the only long term pleasure she had (you). Now use your anger/sorrow to learn some things about yourself and pick up some new hobbies. College is about trying new things, so don't let her stop you from enjoying it.

[Slosha]

Thanks guys, those were things I needed to hear. I am putting sex on a pedestal and am blowing its importance out of proportion. I just regret not having a chance to have a girlfriend with whom to mutually lose virginity, and now I feel like I will never get in a long term relationship fast enough to do it (because virgins are droppin' like flies, it seems). Obviously, a good relationship with a non-virgin would be much better than a horrible relationship with a virgin. I'm not thinking clearly right now.

 

I also have abstained from checking her Facebook, and I don't think I will ever relapse simply because doing so would mean that I failed. It is very comforting to know that I didn't do anything wrong and that it is truly her loss. I have had a strange urge recently to wipe my Facebook friends list clean and forget everything from high school... bad idea?

 

I bought a guitar a few days ago and started teaching myself. It's going slowly, but I really like it so far.