latenighttv Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. He has lots of girl friends, including an ex, who call/text him frequently about problems they are having with their boyfriends. It seems like they have problems quite often and they interrupt our time together often enough for me to take notice. Earlier this week, I made plans to meet up with the guy on Friday. Got a call 4 hours before the meeting time from the guy that a friend was having an "emergency" and he wouldn't be able to make it. Thinking an emergency was death, near death, illness or the like, I said ok. Get a call from him later and it turns out the emergency was that a girl friend (let's call her #1) had had a fight with her boyfriend. He and #1 had a falling out before I met the guy, and are in the process of repairing their friendship. After dealing with #1, he runs into another girl friend (#2) who is drunk and has also had a fight with her boyfriend. He spends the rest of the night driving her around and consoling her in a bar. I feel upset about being ditched for these kinds of "emergencies," but I also understand that they were his friends long before I came on the scene, and that there is a special case with #1. I also don't know how serious these fights were. Plus, we haven't been seeing each other too long, but I feel like we are both taking the relationship seriously. I would like to discuss this situation with him tomorrow, but am unsure if I am just over reacting. Any advice?
EarthGirl Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 As long as their is no funny business between him and the girls, and you have no reason or instinct that there will be (instinct beyond the general initial worry that many (not all) people have whenever their new found love is hanging out with ANYONE of the opposite sex...but if you get a feeling when he talks about her or when you see them together..etc.)...I don't really see what is the problem besides just the fact that you were kinda bummed your time with him got cut short (I can understand that, but because it happened twice doesn't mean it's going to happen often). It sounds like he is a super nice guy and there for his friends. When Harry Met Sally is one of my favorite movies..but I am not of the belief that heterosexual women and men can never be friends without their being some attraction and then either getting together or having some horrible awkwardness/romantic triangle or tragedy, etc. I will point you to Tony and Kate of NCIS vs Tony and Ziva after poor Kate died in the line of duty, which I mentioned on another thread... Even if a man and a woman don't have that non-blood but somehow spiritual brother sister bond which makes them feel a close connection but a connection which could never turn romantic/sexual any more than most brothers and sisters could...There are still cases when men and women can be good friends and they just have a bond that is platonic and they just care about eachother in a different way but it either could never compete with their SO's who they love intimately and strongly,....or it can compete but it's just a different bond, and not threatening to there SO, not romantic and even if they were stranded in some love nest with nothing to do , just some Barry White on the radio, even if they tried to make-out and have sex it would not mean anything or feel the same, and they may not even be able to do it. I think a lot of times between women and men there is SOME attraction between friends that is unspoken, I think it happens a lot, and they may not get together because it's just not strong or 'real" enough, or they are with other people...but I think just as often the above can happen...even between a women and a man who are both attractive and healthy...attraction is something that can not really be explained...as is the absence of attraction and other kinds of bonds that you can't explain. But that says nothing of your situation since he may or may not be attracted to them, I certainly have no way of knowing. But as of now you have no reason to be worried, and beyond that it sounds like you've got a great guy, and really this gives you reason to believe he will be there for YOU in your time of need as well. Also, one thing to add..since lately there has started to be some renewed hope for me and my guy, I have sort of taken to matchmaking...it's like some crazy instinct or something..to meddle in other peoples' business and put them with the person they are supposed to be with, make them as happy as I hope to be someday soon. So I don't know maybe your guy has a little bit of whatever that is as well and this is actually not only a sign that he is a really upstanding guy, but it is a good sign for YOU. don't mean to be too optimistic...there of course is a chance he is hopelessly in love with one of them and was just trying to be there as a shoulder to cry on so he can swoop in and cheat on you with her. Does that sound more LS like? LOL. No but really, I'm just joking, think positively this does not sound like the most suspicious news at all to me.
Rylle Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 What a jerk. I would be more than annoyed at being ditched mere hours before our date because a girl friend (who he's on the outs with!!) fought with her bf. Boo hoo. She doesn't have any girl friends to bitch about her crappy bf to? This guy totally disrespected you by letting you know where you fall on his chain of priorities - and it's below these other two girls. YOU are dating him, THEY are not dating him. He shouldn't be putting them first, I don't care if they're friends way before you met him. Since he's not your bf yet, it's a little trickier to have this "talk" with him. I would probably just not see him again, since he's not very committed. To answer your question, no you're not overreacting.
Author latenighttv Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 But as of now you have no reason to be worried, and beyond that it sounds like you've got a great guy, and really this gives you reason to believe he will be there for YOU in your time of need as well. The thing is that we were going to get together because I was going to a meeting where I would not know anyone and felt a little uncomfortable doing so, and so he was going to come along to help me out, him being far more social than I am. Although it turned out that I had no reason to worry about the meeting (I had a great time and it was fun) I felt like I had been ditched in some sort of "time of need" for another girl's time of need. Yes mine was pretty minor, probably in comparison to #1's, but I feel like somewhere in that 4 hour range time could've been made for me. I am not suspicious about any of these girls--he is treated by them as "one of the girls." I think it's more what Rylle said--they don't have any girls they can go to, and what does this say about me on the totem poll? Thanks for the advice, Rylle, but he really is a nice guy. I just think he is maybe too nice and tries to handle everyone's problems sometimes.
Rylle Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Thanks for the advice, Rylle, but he really is a nice guy. I just think he is maybe too nice and tries to handle everyone's problems sometimes. Well, if that's how you read his behavior, maybe approach it this way: (Again, you are NOT overreacting!!) Just let him know how much he hurt your feelings. Make it clear that you're not jealous of the other girls (you don't want to make him think you don't trust him), but that his actions were very hurtful, and that it's fine for him to have friends (obviously), but that if he's going to continue to date you, you need to be a priority with him.
carhill Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 If '#1' had been his best male friend bleeding in a hospital, I would be quite understanding. My instinct is that you are going to lose this 'nice guy', not because he's nice but because he has lousy boundaries. Sorry. My bet is it will be you who has to lose him
BobSacamento Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Why not go out and make some new friends or hang out with current friends? It's not like your married.
Recommended Posts