2sure Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 To feel rejected...it implies that there was a choice to be made, and it wasn't you. And thats not always the case. Was there ever really any choice to be made? Was that ever on the table? Maybe there was not a competition at all between you and someone else...or if there was it was you being one choice and many other people and factors being another. In other words you or a life. Dont feel rejected. It may not be that you wern't picked because there was no "deciding." You can miss it, feel loss and come to terms with that. But feeling rejected, you dont have to feel that.
Author movingforward Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 To feel rejected...it implies that there was a choice to be made, and it wasn't you. And thats not always the case. Was there ever really any choice to be made? Was that ever on the table? Maybe there was not a competition at all between you and someone else...or if there was it was you being one choice and many other people and factors being another. In other words you or a life. Dont feel rejected. It may not be that you wern't picked because there was no "deciding." You can miss it, feel loss and come to terms with that. But feeling rejected, you dont have to feel that. 2sure, you are dead on. It's interesting how our hard-wiring can cause us to view a situation so much differently than reality. In my case, there really wasn't ever a choice to be made since I was never going to leave. As was stated earlier, it is the force of the ego wanting the validation. But I am definitely coming to terms with this. Thanks for the insight.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Does it occur to any of the OW here that the MM is NOT rejecting you? The MM wasn't looking for a replacement wife or a lifelong partner, he has one. He was looking for another woman, someone no one would find out about, someone he has no obligation to. He made no promises. By agreeing to have a relationship with a man who is married the OW is basically agreeing to make no demands, have no strings and no expectations. His idea of where the relationship is going (nowhere, he likes the status quo) and your idea of where it's going couldn't be more divergent. If he wanted to divorce his wife, he's do it already. That's not his game plan. When the OW issues an ultimatum, she's setting herself up for rejection. You just changed the terms of the agreement, and that usually results in the end of the affair.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 .I could care less what my xOM thinks of me. His thoughts are meaningless. Just like his words, they always were.
Snowflower Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I too went through those thoughts and feelings.... why didn't he pick me, which is exactly what it came down to in my mind. I mean, how else can it be rationalized? He loved me so much, he picked his wife? He loved me more, better, blah blah .... what picked his wife? I MY view, many OW who don't get 'picked' think it was because he couldn't lose his family, the history, etc. But from MY experience and in MY view, it is just OW fanticizing and trying to rationalize it. I hurt. I hurt for months. I wondered. I cried. I got angry. I cried. I humiliated myself to him. I begged. I cried. But in the end, he picked his marriage which means he picked his wife. Oh, he played a good game "give me two weeks", "give me 3 months", "give me until the end of March"; "give me until June" ..... and in the end, he stayed with his wife. I couldn't figure out why - I was younger. I was thinner. I was prettier. He love me more (cause he told me so). We connected in every way. We talked more than they did. We had amazing sex. We had a connection. Why didn't he pick me!! All the normal things women think/go through when an affair/relationship ends. But in the end, I had to realize, he was never "mine" to begin with. He belonged to someone else. He was married to someone else. He committed himself/his life to someone else. I was just someone who came into his life at a certain time. I was just someone who filled a need, a void at a certain time. I can pretend that they didn't have what we had. I can pretend that his heart really belonged to me. I can pretend that the love we shared was something so powerful, so wonderful, so encompassing..... But he picked her. His wife. He chose to stay in his marriage. I have no good advice except to just keep going forward; one day at a time. Keep breathing. Keep living. Focus on each task, each day. Focus on you. And time heals all wounds ... or some crap like that Good luck to you. I hope you can find some peace... fooled once, I thought this was a well-written post. No one else had mentioned anything about what you wrote here but I think there is a lot of truth in what you wrote... Yes, I am a FBS, but it doesn't mean I can't relate. A broken heart hurts. I thought 2sure's response below was similar. Maybe it wasn't a choice or a competition for anyone (the WS, BS or OP). The A was a painful for all-just felt differently depending on your perspective. To feel rejected...it implies that there was a choice to be made, and it wasn't you. And thats not always the case. Was there ever really any choice to be made? Was that ever on the table? Maybe there was not a competition at all between you and someone else...or if there was it was you being one choice and many other people and factors being another. In other words you or a life. Dont feel rejected. It may not be that you wern't picked because there was no "deciding." You can miss it, feel loss and come to terms with that. But feeling rejected, you dont have to feel that. Heartache just sucks all the way around - from every perspective!
howcouldInotknow Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 IMO in situations where we are the other woman we kind of lose sight of that. If you can look at the situation as I was the other woman. That is what made letting go easy for me. Trying to see the relationship as what it was. Despite his words and actions or in my case even being given an engagement ring. I WAS THE OTHER WOMAN. It doesn't make me feel bad about myself. But I try not to look at it through rose colored lenses. He may have said he loved and cared about me but her needs and her desire to want to work on their marriage came before the love he had for me, it came before everything which is why he was able to walk away. I know things arent always as simple as all of that but it all boils down to one thing he was never mine to begin with so I was a temporary fixture in his life. In a marriage there isn't room for three people and unfortunately as the other woman we are usually dispendable
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