How do you get over the feelings of rejection?

[movingforward]

Someone is always getting left in an affair... it's just the nature of the beast.

 

As an OW, how do you get over the feelings of rejection/abandonment? What do you SAY to yourself to make it better? Is there a way to reframe it so that it isn't so painful?

 

I'm in a unique position where I know I don't want a life with my AP, but I still am hurt by him not wanting me enough. Can't help but ask, "what's wrong with me?"

 

Any advice?

[tami-chan]

Someone is always getting left in an affair... it's just the nature of the beast.

 

As an OW, how do you get over the feelings of rejection/abandonment? What do you SAY to yourself to make it better? Is there a way to reframe it so that it isn't so painful?

 

I'm in a unique position where I know I don't want a life with my AP, but I still am hurt by him not wanting me enough. Can't help but ask, "what's wrong with me?"

 

Any advice?

 

I am sorry about your pain.....rest assured in time it will hurt less...you have to believe that.

 

I do have a couple of questions for you, what do you mean he did not want you enough? and enough to what? What would you have done if he did want you enough?

[LadyDi]

Million dollar questions! When someone gives us the answer, I'll be a happy woman.

[movingforward]

I am sorry about your pain.....rest assured in time it will hurt less...you have to believe that.

 

I do have a couple of questions for you, what do you mean he did not want you enough? and enough to what? What would you have done if he did want you enough?

 

 

Tami, those are great questions.

 

He has been the one pulling away throughout our affair and subsequent friendship. Even now, when I've been trying to be strong enough to walk away from him, he is still acting like he's okay with it.

 

I guess I wanted him to actually be the person he said he was and to mean the things he said to me. I am feeling this horrible pain, yet he is acting at least like he is okay with all of this. I guess I feel rejected, plain and simple.

 

My therapist has asked me the same question many times... what WOULD I do if he actually professed his love and left his wife for me? Being married and unwilling to leave my family for him, I would completely freak. I know it doesn't make sense. I want him to love me, but I don't want to be with him. But then again, most things about affairs don't make sense, right?

[Devil Inside]

I'm not an OW...but I felt very hurt when my OW left me. So I know pain.

 

One thing that helps is to stop idealizing them. Instead of always thinking of the great and romantic times switch it up.

 

Think about the time he forgot to call, text, IM, email you or whatever and you were left hanging, risking getting caught by your husband and he couldn't at least get to you to say something.

 

Think about what he did and said when you ended the affair. How you felt that this wasn't hard for him.

 

Think about the first argument you had...and you realized this man is not perfect.

 

Think about all the little things about him that annoy you.

 

He is just a man, you are grieving an idealized version of this man, you are grieving the love that little girl inside of you never got...and you are experiencing the pain of withdrawal from that...not him...not him alone...it is unbearable.

 

Also know that time will heal you.

[jj33]

Moving you are hungry for the validation. Its ego pure and simple.

 

You loved him, you arent ready to do what you need to do to make a life with him even if he begged, but nonetheless you want to see that he would do for you what you arent ready to do for him, or at least admit tht he is desolate with out you, the sun doesnt shine, the moonlight is dull without you.

 

Im not a psychologist but i think its normal. Many people dont show when they are hurting after a relationship. Its the old adage, never let them see you sweat.

 

But they do. Just recently xMM heard I went out on a date and made a casual throwaway comment, to the effect that he supposed he had no right to be jealous he was.

 

I went through that too. I was happiest for the first few months when I had tangible proof that he was having trouble with the fact that it was over. It was almost like it confirmed that what we shared was real. It still had an effect on him.

 

Its perverse but thats how it goes. So there is nothing wrong with you.

 

You just have to remind yourself its ego. Its not what you want. And look for other sources of validation for your worth as a woman.

[movingforward]

I'm not an OW...but I felt very hurt when my OW left me. So I know pain.

 

One thing that helps is to stop idealizing them. Instead of always thinking of the great and romantic times switch it up.

 

Think about the time he forgot to call, text, IM, email you or whatever and you were left hanging, risking getting caught by your husband and he couldn't at least get to you to say something.

 

Think about what he did and said when you ended the affair. How you felt that this wasn't hard for him.

 

Think about the first argument you had...and you realized this man is not perfect.

 

Think about all the little things about him that annoy you.

 

He is just a man, you are grieving an idealized version of this man, you are grieving the love that little girl inside of you never got...and you are experiencing the pain of withdrawal from that...not him...not him alone...it is unbearable.

 

Also know that time will heal you.

 

As usual, great advice DI. Thank you.

 

It actually isn't hard for me to think of negative things about him... there are too many to choose from in fact. The problem is keeping those negative thoughts in my head, since I am much more likely to fall into romanticizing him -- and for whatever reason that is much easier to do.

 

In therapy I actually did have an exercise where I was supposed to 'talk' to the wounded little girl from my childhood. At first I thought it was ridiculous, but it didn't take me long to realize how true it all was. And it was incredibly difficult for me to do. I wasn't even aware of some of the pain I had bottled up for so many years. It annoys me that it is still plaguing me after so many years. I do know that my constant reaching out to him and wanting validation is about that... I'm trying to solve problems and feelings from long ago. Because this man is SO not worth my time.... when I think about it it's almost laughable that I would have ever thought I could have ended up with him. He was convenient.

 

So much to work on. I know time will heal -- but it's time starting AFTER NC right?

[movingforward]

Moving you are hungry for the validation. Its ego pure and simple.

 

You loved him, you arent ready to do what you need to do to make a life with him even if he begged, but nonetheless you want to see that he would do for you what you arent ready to do for him, or at least admit tht he is desolate with out you, the sun doesnt shine, the moonlight is dull without you.

 

Im not a psychologist but i think its normal. Many people dont show when they are hurting after a relationship. Its the old adage, never let them see you sweat.

 

But they do. Just recently xMM heard I went out on a date and made a casual throwaway comment, to the effect that he supposed he had no right to be jealous he was.

 

I went through that too. I was happiest for the first few months when I had tangible proof that he was having trouble with the fact that it was over. It was almost like it confirmed that what we shared was real. It still had an effect on him.

 

Its perverse but thats how it goes. So there is nothing wrong with you.

 

You just have to remind yourself its ego. Its not what you want. And look for other sources of validation for your worth as a woman.

 

Thanks so much JJ... you are right. It IS ego, pure and simple. I want him to feel what I am unwilling to feel. I want him to want me, yet I want so desperately not to want him. I want him to go the rest of his life knowing that I was the perfect woman for him (which he actually does) and feel horrible forever. And I DO know that this has hurt him, he is just such a tool that he falls back into his own dysfunctional behavior in how he reacts. But I don't want to be a part of that anymore. I don't want to have someone in my life that offers me nothing but pain.

 

I AM ready to be done with this. I can't keep feeling so low, so worthless, so unwanted.

[jj33]

he is just such a tool that he falls back into his own dysfunctional behavior in how he reacts.

 

But is he really being a tool? He may be doing what he thinks is the honorable thing. Hes simply not feeding your ego.

 

He is married. You are married and clearly not leaving. The affair was causing you both pain.

 

You may not see it now but if he was calling you telling you about his undying love, you might be saying

 

"he's just such a tool"

 

Im trying to get over him and he keeps dragging me back to the past. How am I supposed to heal when hes acting this way.

 

See how it works.

 

He can do no right!

 

Some behavior is really really bad, but after the A ends, most contact or lack thereof is always wrong in the eyes of the other party if they stilll have feelings.

 

As for the feelings of worthlessness that is not really related to the A in my layperson's opinion.

 

If you felt you shared real love, then why does the ending of the A make you feel worthless.

 

And look at your response in another thread where you were less than complementary about him and said you feel sorry for his W.

 

 

But he is not being a tool. He is behaving appropriately.

 

 

PS your reaction is very much like xMMs. He is happiest when he can get a reaction out of me. That went on for 2 years... it was exhausting and upsetting. Dont do that to this guy. Its really unfair.

[SouthernLady]

I understand about how you feel about not wanting to leave your life and family even though you love him. I love my MM and would freak out if he really wanted to leave (for real). See it is hard for me to believe he actually would.

 

The reasons I wouldn't want him to include:

 

Divorce would cause pain, grief, financial distress, etc. and would create resentment in his mind toward me. This would cause issues in what the relationship with me and him might be, not just small issues, but issues so big that could destroy any chance it has of working out.

 

I don't want to be guilty for destroying his life either. I told him I would never, ever want him to make a decision like divorce based on me. I would only want to be with MM if I had NC for a period of time and he decided on divorce based on his own happiness (NOT) related to me in any way.

 

Also...to Devil Inside...I always enjoy reading your responses. After analyzing my situation for several years now...and wanting to write a book to help others eventually (I guess I have to wait to finish it until I figure out how to solve the whole affair problem). I have also realized that the abandonment of my mother as a child when her and my father divorced and she gave him custody, the unconditional love I received from my Grandmother since I lived with her and my father until I was 7 when he died, and the general grief of losing my Grandmother on my 22 birthday (I will be 29 in Nov.) are all of the reasons I need the attention and affection from the MM that are non-existent in any of my other relationships. I feel so empty in this area and I am trying to come to terms that no one else will ever be able to fill those voids...I just have to deal with it. I am a christian, but I still struggle with these issues and needing the physical presence of pure love and physical affection (NOT sex).

[movingforward]

But is he really being a tool? He may be doing what he thinks is the honorable thing. Hes simply not feeding your ego.

 

He is married. You are married and clearly not leaving. The affair was causing you both pain.

 

You may not see it now but if he was calling you telling you about his undying love, you might be saying

 

"he's just such a tool"

 

Im trying to get over him and he keeps dragging me back to the past. How am I supposed to heal when hes acting this way.

 

See how it works.

 

He can do no right!

 

Some behavior is really really bad, but after the A ends, most contact or lack thereof is always wrong in the eyes of the other party if they stilll have feelings.

 

As for the feelings of worthlessness that is not really related to the A in my layperson's opinion.

 

If you felt you shared real love, then why does the ending of the A make you feel worthless.

 

And look at your response in another thread where you were less than complementary about him and said you feel sorry for his W.

 

 

But he is not being a tool. He is behaving appropriately.

 

 

PS your reaction is very much like xMMs. He is happiest when he can get a reaction out of me. That went on for 2 years... it was exhausting and upsetting. Dont do that to this guy. Its really unfair.

 

 

Thanks JJ. I hear what your saying, I do.

 

My description of him being a "tool" comes from more than just this one incident. But it IS sad that he felt the need to draw me back in and end it on HIS terms instead of just letting me end it when I did. The so called "honorable" thing would have just to let it end and not play games so he could get me in the end.

 

My description also comes from MANY other things.... he hasn't handled himself well since this thing ended. He has been selfish, unkind, and sometimes downright cruel. Yes, I agree, everyone handles things differently. But I have NEVER been cruel to him.

 

I KNOW the feelings of worthlessness come from MANY other issues. This A unfortunately triggered them big time. I'm using my AP to try and fix all of these things which of course will never work.

 

I will never agree though that he is behaving "appropriately". He is behaving like a child, not like a man. Appropriate would have been to take the high road, honored the feelings we shared, and let it go.

 

Affairs are messes. No doubt about it. They never end well I guess.

[GreenEyedLady]

Someone is always getting left in an affair... it's just the nature of the beast.

 

As an OW, how do you get over the feelings of rejection/abandonment? What do you SAY to yourself to make it better? Is there a way to reframe it so that it isn't so painful?

 

I'm in a unique position where I know I don't want a life with my AP, but I still am hurt by him not wanting me enough. Can't help but ask, "what's wrong with me?"

 

Any advice?

 

I went out and lived it up.

 

I threw myself into my work, took on extra work and filled every minute of my day, working out my hurt and anger with step aerobics and weight training...

 

I went out on dates, went out with friends and LIVED...

 

We were actually limited contact...He would send these OH SO SAD emails that he was so sorry we couldn't be together like I wanted BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

 

So I'd send him pics of me looking so happy and vibrant at events we were supposed to be at together...Along with nonchalant emails about how I was having a grand old time...

 

I told myself he was a dumb*** and that I deserved better and that I would not settle...

 

I told myself I could get what I wanted out of a R and that I was going for it...

 

I told myself that I could have almost any man I wanted so why was I wasting my time...

 

I guess the moral of the story is fake it til you make it...

 

GEL

[VictoryisMine]

GEL, Thank you for reminding me of things that i KNOW, but forgot in the middle of this blinding torture called an affair, lol.

 

Really, thank you!

[fooled once]

I too went through those thoughts and feelings.... why didn't he pick me, which is exactly what it came down to in my mind. I mean, how else can it be rationalized? He loved me so much, he picked his wife? He loved me more, better, blah blah .... what picked his wife?

 

I MY view, many OW who don't get 'picked' think it was because he couldn't lose his family, the history, etc. But from MY experience and in MY view, it is just OW fanticizing and trying to rationalize it.

 

I hurt. I hurt for months. I wondered. I cried. I got angry. I cried. I humiliated myself to him. I begged. I cried.

 

But in the end, he picked his marriage which means he picked his wife.

 

Oh, he played a good game "give me two weeks", "give me 3 months", "give me until the end of March"; "give me until June" ..... and in the end, he stayed with his wife.

 

I couldn't figure out why - I was younger. I was thinner. I was prettier. He love me more (cause he told me so). We connected in every way. We talked more than they did. We had amazing sex. We had a connection. Why didn't he pick me!! All the normal things women think/go through when an affair/relationship ends.

 

But in the end, I had to realize, he was never "mine" to begin with. He belonged to someone else. He was married to someone else. He committed himself/his life to someone else. I was just someone who came into his life at a certain time. I was just someone who filled a need, a void at a certain time.

 

I can pretend that they didn't have what we had. I can pretend that his heart really belonged to me. I can pretend that the love we shared was something so powerful, so wonderful, so encompassing.....

 

But he picked her. His wife. He chose to stay in his marriage.

 

I have no good advice except to just keep going forward; one day at a time. Keep breathing. Keep living. Focus on each task, each day. Focus on you.

 

And time heals all wounds ... or some crap like that

 

Good luck to you. I hope you can find some peace...

[OWoman]

I'm in a unique position where I know I don't want a life with my AP, but I still am hurt by him not wanting me enough. Can't help but ask, "what's wrong with me?"

 

Maybe you've made it clear enough to him that he knows it too. Maybe he DOES want you "enough", but knows YOU don't want HIM "enough". Many MMs get very settled and comfortable being M; why would he leave the comfort and convenience of that to move to a life of a SG - given that you've said you don't want a life with him? You're not asking him to choose between his W and you, you're asking him to choose between a life of comfort and convenience and companionable complacency, and... what, exactly? TV dinners for one in a bedsit with a cat for company? Is it any wonder he's choosing to stay with the devil he knows? The possible alternative is loneliness and loss.

[movingforward]

Maybe you've made it clear enough to him that he knows it too. Maybe he DOES want you "enough", but knows YOU don't want HIM "enough". Many MMs get very settled and comfortable being M; why would he leave the comfort and convenience of that to move to a life of a SG - given that you've said you don't want a life with him? You're not asking him to choose between his W and you, you're asking him to choose between a life of comfort and convenience and companionable complacency, and... what, exactly? TV dinners for one in a bedsit with a cat for company? Is it any wonder he's choosing to stay with the devil he knows? The possible alternative is loneliness and loss.[/quote

 

All I can say is wow... OWoman I think you are right. I never thought about it in those terms. I was the one that said two weeks in that I wouldn't leave my family for him. And when he decided to end it, the words he used were "when I finally realized it couldn't happen, I needed to disappear". I always thought his choice of words were strange. I need to process this. It would explain a lot.

[Susmay]

Someone is always getting left in an affair... it's just the nature of the beast.

 

As an OW, how do you get over the feelings of rejection/abandonment? What do you SAY to yourself to make it better? Is there a way to reframe it so that it isn't so painful?

 

I'm in a unique position where I know I don't want a life with my AP, but I still am hurt by him not wanting me enough. Can't help but ask, "what's wrong with me?"

 

Any advice?

 

Whether it's the OW having feelings of rejection/abandonment or the BW, it's probably the same sort of feeling. The big question, as you say, is of course how to 'get over' it?

[WalkInThePark]

I So I'd send him pics of me looking so happy and vibrant at events we were supposed to be at together...Along with nonchalant emails about how I was having a grand old time...

 

I told myself he was a dumb*** and that I deserved better and that I would not settle...

 

I told myself I could get what I wanted out of a R and that I was going for it...

 

I told myself that I could have almost any man I wanted so why was I wasting my time...

 

I guess the moral of the story is fake it til you make it...

 

GEL

 

GEL, I have a question: did you really fake it and actually feel very bad about the whole thing or were you simply over him at that time?

 

I personally don't think faking really helps. It always seems to catch up with me, is my past experience. It's like afterwards I feel even worse. I prefer to sit at home licking my wounds, sometimes talking to supportive friends about it. Works best for me with whatever disappointment I have in my life.

[skylarblue]

I've never felt rejected in a R before because I've always been the one to end it, but your question really made me think. I've been seeing a MM(5yrs) and even though it's not an EA I think I'd be crushed if he ended it. The whole A on my part is strictly ego driven, a goal of making him want me more than he loves his W, to disregard her and his vows, to look at her in a totally disgusted light and think "why did I marry her?" 100% ego boost for me. The fact that I've put so much importance in having him discount her and so much value in my own physical appearance, for him to end it would probably devastate me for a while. I hope I never have to go through it.

[movingforward]

The rejection sucks, plain and simple. It's more painful for me because of "abandonment issues" from my past, but either way it's never fun to feel like your person of focus is choosing someone else rather than you.

[ladydesigner]

I've never felt rejected in a R before because I've always been the one to end it, but your question really made me think. I've been seeing a MM(5yrs) and even though it's not an EA I think I'd be crushed if he ended it. The whole A on my part is strictly ego driven, a goal of making him want me more than he loves his W, to disregard her and his vows, to look at her in a totally disgusted light and think "why did I marry her?" 100% ego boost for me. The fact that I've put so much importance in having him discount her and so much value in my own physical appearance, for him to end it would probably devastate me for a while. I hope I never have to go through it.

 

skylarblue I would beware of this way of thinking it most likely will come back to bite you in the a$$. I know it did for me. Although I didn't initially feel I was in competition with my xOM's SO, he eventually fed me a bunch of BS at how I was better looking, better this and better that. Well guess what in the end he chose her and stated his feelings for her were much stronger than he had originally thought. Immediate ego deflate. Anyways I am over the rejection part now. I could care less what my xOM thinks of me. His thoughts are meaningless.

[boldjack]

OW, sometimes you are so on the money.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, I have a question: did you really fake it and actually feel very bad about the whole thing or were you simply over him at that time?

 

I personally don't think faking really helps. It always seems to catch up with me, is my past experience. It's like afterwards I feel even worse. I prefer to sit at home licking my wounds, sometimes talking to supportive friends about it. Works best for me with whatever disappointment I have in my life.

 

There is a certain percentage of feeling that you have to fake. And that was me. I ended up with my MM who is now my H. But i was ready to say hasta la vista. I refused to be considered second best. It hurt, but I refused to make my R the end all be all. I knew no matter what happened, that I would always be ok and that I would always find someone else.

 

I prefer to go out and live.

[WalkInThePark]

I prefer to go out and live. Staying home, licking your wounds simply means that you are willing to be a loser. And that was something I never was.

 

It's a bit far-fetched to call someone who stays at home to lick his/her wounds a loser, no? It would probably make you feel like a loser but that does not mean it is the ultimate definition of being a loser.

Everyone processes their feelings of hurt, sadness, rejection in their own way. Faking does not work for me. If it works for others, good for them. I don't feel the need to call them losers.

[Devil Inside]

It's a bit far-fetched to call someone who stays at home to lick his/her wounds a loser, no? It would probably make you feel like a loser but that does not mean it is the ultimate definition of being a loser.

Everyone processes their feelings of hurt, sadness, rejection in their own way. Faking does not work for me. If it works for others, good for them. I don't feel the need to call them losers.

 

I read that statement differently. GEL if I am wrong please correct me. I think the key to that statement is WILLING. I do not think she said if you do this you are a loser...only that you are allowing it to be an option. Big difference.

 

I hear you...sometimes we just need some time to heal and be miserable. However, it does really help to fake it for awhile. There is research that proves if you fake a smile it actually elevates your mood...I mean the chemistry in your brain literally changes.

 

The pain of loss can be crippling. There may never come a time when you are going to feel like just getting out there...that's why you have to be proactive. However, do it in your own time...I get that.