Cant stop thinking about her getting married, having children with someone else.

[Taucher]

Why cant I stop thinking this? I suppose I could. Why dont I WANT to stop?

 

It's the most heartbreakingly sad thing I can think of.

 

And yet I am doing it now.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

Why cant I stop thinking this? I suppose I could. Why dont I WANT to stop?

 

It's the most heartbreakingly sad thing I can think of.

 

And yet I am doing it now.

 

 

Who dumped who? And why?

[Taucher]

She dumped me 4 months ago after 5 years. She hasnt really given me a reason. Well, she didnt feel the same any more, which is as big a reason as anyone needs. But I have no idea how or when that happened.

 

I am pretty convinced now she is a commitment-phobe so maybe me imagining her going up the aisle is not totally realistic. Just to point out also, she isnt actually due to get married or have children, I am just imagining it anyway.

 

T

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

Four years is quite a while. Sometimes people just grow apart, and it's usually the one doing the drifting that notices it while the other is either oblivious or doesn't know how to stop it. Time heals all wounds and places love where it's meant to be.

 

If it's supposed to happen, it will, if not- it WILL happen with someone else. You can't stop the dreams till you start moving on- you WILL get over her eventually, but you're the one that determines how long that takes.

[angelface78]

I do that Taucher..I torture myself with dumb thoughts of my ex with his chick. I suppose its normal. It sucks that we imagine that they have great lives when in reality its just speculation. Im sure they have their dark days too. I wish i could peer into his life and see that his life is not so great and maybe i would feel better ;(

[JohnP82]

I can't say that I have any advice except try not to think about it. I can empathize with you because I used to think about that type of stuff regarding my ex. Just realize it's part of life and we are now free to find women that want to marry us and have a family with us.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

I can't say that I have any advice except try not to think about it. I can empathize with you because I used to think about that type of stuff regarding my ex. Just realize it's part of life and we are now free to find women that want to marry us and have a family with us.

 

This is true. It might not be freedom that you want right now, but later you will. I can tell you that one of the best feelings in the world is the point you reach where you are genuinely looking forward to a relationship with a new girl. It feels like the whole world is yours for the taking and there are endless amounts of attractive girls to choose from. And if you have taken the time to become a better man, get right with god, get in shape, get a better income, ect.... the world really IS up for grabs!

[BW007]

Well...I have been broken up since about march 25th and my cheater ex is already knocked up and I imagine thinking marriage any day now and the cherry on the cake of my year is that she moved from the next town over to a block and a half away from me with her new guy and it is unavoidable to see their cars and house daily. Its like getting scalded daily. I even told her I would have kids with her back in the relationship. It sucks. But what can you do. Its over. Regret has been consuming me for months. But you just have to survive all the crap. It has at times made me hopeless and suicidal because this, for me, was a major major betrayal and loss of someone that I even still love, but I am not going to get that dramatic over a cheater and betrayer. It has really poisoned me though and I am still torn up quite a bit and scared to engage in relationships again.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

Well...I have been broken up since about march 25th and my cheater ex is already knocked up and I imagine thinking marriage any day now and the cherry on the cake of my year is that she moved from the next town over to a block and a half away from me with her new guy and it is unavoidable to see their cars and house daily. Its like getting scalded daily. I even told her I would have kids with her back in the relationship. It sucks. But what can you do. Its over. Regret has been consuming me for months. But you just have to survive all the crap. It has at times made me hopeless and suicidal because this, for me, was a major major betrayal and loss of someone that I even still love, but I am not going to get that dramatic over a cheater and betrayer. It has really poisoned me though and I am still torn up quite a bit and scared to engage in relationships again.

 

I think you should start a new thread about your own situation. I'm sure your not trying to hijack the OP's thread or steal attention away from his own issue, right?

 

As for your own problem, it will take time to get over her- and the whole thing may be exasperated with her being near and pregnant. Just know that everything happens for a reason. You will curse that saying, and many times ask yourself what the FK could be the reason behind this, but all is revealed in time. Just keep pushing onward. You'll find better, and then you'll be the one smiling.

 

Also, my guess is that it's not going to work out with her and her new guy. I would wager alot on that. And while that shouldn't make you feel better, I know it does, it's natural. Find you a hot girl that will love you and everything about you.

 

Don't forget to start your own thread.

[mimiminx]

I know what you mean... I had a dream last night that was in the future: I saw him at a park pushing his child in a swing. I walked up to him and said that I was happy for him, then I asked if he was married and he said yes. I thought about this too. It is really sad.. especially since we were going to get married and have kids. Don't know how to stop those thoughts...

[BW007]

No threadjack here...just saying I am living what Taucher is worrying about.

 

It sucks but you simply survive it.

[t0ri]

I unfortunately have those thoughts a lot also. I hadn't as much as I have been lately, and he and I broke up five months ago. My ex and I used to drive around looking at lofts and houses we would like to live in someday; he even mentioned buying me an engagement ring this year. Also, I had a miscarriage with his child last year. So...thinking about him fathering a child with some other woman is K I L L E R, let alone him being married to her. It truly breaks my heart. His happily ever after was supposed to be with me, or so I thought.

 

So I feel you, Taucher. They're torturous thoughts...yet nearly impossible to keep at bay.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I have these thoughts too. My ex told me within two months of us being together that he could see himself having children with me and from then on I held onto it as an expectation of our future. We've been broken up nearly 5 months now and me and my dad went to view a flat. From the window I could see this 'perfect family'. This really cute house with a white picket fence and a beautiful garden and 6 children running around and the parents on the patio having a drink and cuddling and watching their children. Someone upstairs was playing the piano. And it hit me how much I wished I could have that with him. Its HORRIBLE.

[mickleb]

Tauch -

 

All of us are doing too well at living in fantasy land. That's what got us here in the first place!

 

We've got to get grounded. It's not easy. I'm a bloody sucker for it. I came on here half an hour ago because I just kept imagining him walking through the door! I mean - for Christ's sake - it's crazy! But I've calmed down a bit now and I know that's just part of this much bigger habit I HAVE GOT TO STOP.

 

We have GOT to live in this harsh, painful world, right now. Not float off into ideas of what we want to happen or would least like to happen.

 

Right now is not always a nice place for us but one day, we will be over this. We won't really care whether they're married or not. We will be caring about our own lives and what is happening for us.

 

One day, Tauch, all the 'she's' and 'he's' will be 'whoevers'. Even your ex. I promise.

 

Hang onto YOUR future. Take care. x

[Exit]

In a way this may be a normal part of healing. You are trying to drive it into your brain that it's a very real possibility, even a likely one, that they are going to establish a future and a family with someone else. You may look at it as "torturing" yourself, but in a way you are just trying to force yourself to accept reality. I'd say it's healthier than sitting there trying to convince yourself that they'll come back some day.

 

Guess what you'll have kids and a family too, so...

[Taucher]

Thank you everyone. Everything that everyone has said has really helped and I appreciate you all telling me you experiences. Knowing that there are people out there somewhere going through exactly what I am going through helps me a bit, which is selfish. I wish none of us were going through this.

 

Tauch -

 

We have GOT to live in this harsh, painful world, right now. Not float off into ideas of what we want to happen or would least like to happen.

 

Right now is not always a nice place for us but one day, we will be over this. We won't really care whether they're married or not. We will be caring about our own lives and what is happening for us.

 

One day, Tauch, all the 'she's' and 'he's' will be 'whoevers'. Even your ex. I promise.

 

Hang onto YOUR future. Take care. x

 

Thank you mickleb. I think you are very wise and kind. And correct. It IS my future and is is in my hands. Also, because we have gone through this now, we will be stronger in the future.

 

Alright, alright, everything's gonna be alright.

 

Tx

 

In a way this may be a normal part of healing. You are trying to drive it into your brain that it's a very real possibility, even a likely one, that they are going to establish a future and a family with someone else. You may look at it as "torturing" yourself, but in a way you are just trying to force yourself to accept reality. I'd say it's healthier than sitting there trying to convince yourself that they'll come back some day.

 

Guess what you'll have kids and a family too, so...

 

exit, I like this and I agree totally. I never thought of it this way. It is progress of sorts. I am facing up to it and I never realised it like this. And yes, I WILL have a family one day. I have always wanted children and she is not going to stop me. I will allow myself these thoughts (but not too much) so that I can get used to the idea. And even though she left me, I know her and I know our relationship, and I believe that the thought of not having children with me is hurting her too. Well, her fault and her decision. She has to live with it, I just have to get used to it.

 

T

 

T

[mickleb]

Alright, alright, everything's gonna be alright.

 

Tx

 

 

No don't be so uspet, I'll be mad if you're this.

 

It's alright: the message that I give.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have a suggestion: think about all the annoying crap about her that you didn't like that someone else is going to have to put up with. That always helped me when I was hatin' on his imaginary future woman. In fact, it made me feel sorry for her and glad that it wasn't going to be me.

[icyness]

Just echoing everyone else's sentiment, I feel ya Taucher, and god it hurts.

It's those damn thoughts and what if's that seem to have no end in sight. When you take control by naturally letting yourself be you and forget all that, everything seems fine, you're living life again and it's...normal!

 

But all it takes is one memory or reminder to stir up those horrid feelings and thoughts, they're torturous to say the least, and now that I 'got my wish' of finding out everything, I only have more of them every second of every day.

 

I guess that's one of the worst feelings when we're left; they not only did they leave us, but they left us with all the baggage of the relationship since they've already spent the time checking out, and we're left with a huge blow to our self esteem, self worth, why did this happen, how, why was I not good enough, etc. We're basically left behind on everything.

 

We can and will realize though that we are all only human, and we are all worthy of someone to love and be loved by. Our ex's didn't define that for us, as much as it feels that way. Knowing these things in our heads is easy, it's getting the heart to start believing it that's the tough part.

 

*hugs* Hang in there.

[Taucher]

I have a suggestion: think about all the annoying crap about her that you didn't like that someone else is going to have to put up with. That always helped me when I was hatin' on his imaginary future woman. In fact, it made me feel sorry for her and glad that it wasn't going to be me.

 

I do TRY this, but I find it hard to find anything annoying about her. Probably because I have her on some stupid golden pedestal. She was a troubled girl in some ways, eating disorder and history of self harm. She was over her eating disorder but it still affected her body image and made her very self critical. Her self harming came back once at the end of our relationship when I went out and she drank a lot at home and got it into her head that I was having an affair. This was in March sometime. Both these aspects of her were challenging, but not annoying because they made her cry and it always broke my heart when she cried. Sigh. I want to give her a huge hug right now.

 

She was often critical of me though (sometimes deserved) and THAT annoyed me sometimes. But she is such a kind hearted person I could never be really cross with her. I sometimes wish she was more of a horrible person.

 

Just echoing everyone else's sentiment, I feel ya Taucher, and god it hurts.

It's those damn thoughts and what if's that seem to have no end in sight. When you take control by naturally letting yourself be you and forget all that, everything seems fine, you're living life again and it's...normal!

 

But all it takes is one memory or reminder to stir up those horrid feelings and thoughts, they're torturous to say the least, and now that I 'got my wish' of finding out everything, I only have more of them every second of every day.

 

I guess that's one of the worst feelings when we're left; they not only did they leave us, but they left us with all the baggage of the relationship since they've already spent the time checking out, and we're left with a huge blow to our self esteem, self worth, why did this happen, how, why was I not good enough, etc. We're basically left behind on everything.

 

We can and will realize though that we are all only human, and we are all worthy of someone to love and be loved by. Our ex's didn't define that for us, as much as it feels that way. Knowing these things in our heads is easy, it's getting the heart to start believing it that's the tough part.

 

*hugs* Hang in there.

 

Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. I am sorry you got your wish and know everything about your ex. I have never wished to hear anything about my ex cos I know it would break my heart all over again. That is why I am finding NC relatively easy. Not always though.

 

No don't be so uspet, I'll be mad if you're this.

 

It's alright: the message that I give.

 

Ha! Love - everlasting light. Everlasting Shi*e more like.

 

Video still cheers me up.

 

T

[mickleb]

I do TRY this, but I find it hard to find anything annoying about her. Probably because I have her on some stupid golden pedestal. She was a troubled girl in some ways, eating disorder and history of self harm. She was over her eating disorder but it still affected her body image and made her very self critical. Her self harming came back once at the end of our relationship when I went out and she drank a lot at home and got it into her head that I was having an affair. This was in March sometime. Both these aspects of her were challenging, but not annoying because they made her cry and it always broke my heart when she cried. Sigh. I want to give her a huge hug right now.

 

She was often critical of me though (sometimes deserved) and THAT annoyed me sometimes. But she is such a kind hearted person I could never be really cross with her. I sometimes wish she was more of a horrible person.

 

T

 

I just wanted to say Tauch, that your kindness for your ex has actually given me back my faith in men!

 

To read how sweet you can be about her, despite the heartache, proves to me that there are still genuinely caring and sensitive men out there and so I can keep looking for one!

 

Thank you for being a decent soul. It's really helped me! x

[Taucher]

I just wanted to say Tauch, that your kindness for your ex has actually given me back my faith in men!

 

To read how sweet you can be about her, despite the heartache, proves to me that there are still genuinely caring and sensitive men out there and so I can keep looking for one!

 

Thank you for being a decent soul. It's really helped me! x

 

Aw thanks for your kind words mickleb. I have never restored someone's faith in a whole gender of humans before, so thats my positive thing for today! I feel very honoured.

 

I do see myself as a typical man though and I can be quite distant sometimes I think. I will work on this. I didnt meet my ex's standards so there is definitely room for improvement I guess. And I think that you can be the most decent person ever but that doesnt always translate itself into a relationship.

 

Mind you, I dont really get it when females say they cant find any decent men. Most of my friends are males and most of them are probably TOO nice.

 

However, I have one friend who is typical bloke, got dumped after 7 YEARS and just though meh and moved on. I guess it comes down to confidence. I envy him.

 

Also, with my ex, nothing major happened. We were loving and supportive until the last day. No cheating or anything like that. She was also the kindest, funniest, cleverest girl I ever met. And so so sexy. It's easy to be sweet about someone like her.

 

I am just in love with her and I dont want to be. Love + nostalgia + regret + sadness = soppiness.

 

T

[mickleb]

mind you, i dont really get it when females say they cant find any decent men. Most of my friends are males and most of them are probably too nice.

 

Ummmmm.. their telephone numbers, please?!