Day one of NC nearly 4 months after she left me...

[Taucher]

She left me 4 months ago. And we hand Landlord problems and flat problems so we were in contact about once a week for the first 14 weeks that we were apart. It was kind of necessary.

 

So, the problems were sorted 19 days ago, and I went NC. I am at 19 days NC with not a peep from her. Finding it very difficult. Had a bit of a relapse (mentioned in other threads). Is my relapse because we have been split up for 4 months or because I have gone NC?

 

What I am trying to say is, going NC from day one is best if possible. I dont know whether 19 days NC is more or less significant than 4 months of being apart.

 

People get contact from their ex after NC of a couple of months quite often. So in my case, might my ex contact me after , say, 2 months NC (ie in 2 months time) or any time from now (because we been split up for 4 months)?

 

I hope someone understands what I am trying to say.

 

It is kinda late....

 

T

[JaggedRoad]

Going NC from day one definitely is the best thing to do, but many of us were too much in shock to suddenly break off contact right away. And what you're doing is hanging onto some strand of hope that she will contact you. I'm not saying that it's definitely a bad thing, but you may be setting yourself up for more hurt.

 

It's rough for me too and I relapse everyday. I try to do what I can to prevent myself from contacting her, and it has been working for almost a week now. I want to reconcile with my ex, but I know it's only going to give temporary relief. The best thing to do until I stumble upon a time machine is to have no contact with her at all and give up all hope. I know it sounds morbid, but I suggest you do the same.

[GrayClouds]

Going NC even after some time after a break up is going to be difficult. It becomes another reminder of the end, another period of grieving. A relapse is understandable.

[Odyssey]

What I am trying to say is, going NC from day one is best if possible.

 

I totally agree. Not always easy to do though. I'm glad you're moving forward now.

[mr heartbroken]

i never wrote this but found it on loveshack....

 

No Contact Q&A (for you LS newbies)

Q. What is no contact.

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

 

Q. What is no contact for?

A. No contact is meant as the quickest means for you to heal.

 

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life you are in for a rude awakening.

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach.

 

Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counseling, by all means go.

 

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any Ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of a reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

 

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go work out. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Rest assured they are not sitting around with their new love wondering why you aren't calling them.

 

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex.

A. Never be the first to contact your ex. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, don't beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an a**hole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. No need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I'm a skeptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Don't believe me? Read through some of the 'I broke NC' threads. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. As "No Foolin" says, you can't handle what they have to say.

 

Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Read No Foolin's thread on NC (in my signature file). Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them, even if you aren't.

 

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realize the sooner you implemented NC and got on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole no contact deal is all about.

 

Realize that none of us are immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us that we carry on to the next relationship. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

 

Men say women are like buses, there is always another one coming around the corner. It's the same for women too. There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, healed yourself up, improved where you can and have imbedded the lessons of your past the better off you'll be for someone else.

 

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are. Be the best you you can be.

 

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will likely happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go compeltely.

 

To be free to love again.

 

I got contact from my ex after about 10wks or so. It set mr back she just wanted closer. I now have a reason not to like her. sad thing is she totaly mucked me around and i still love her. these emations wont leave me now or for a while it really does take time you need to live your life and not worry about what she is doing. good luck and feel free to do what you want...

[Taucher]

And what you're doing is hanging onto some strand of hope that she will contact you. I'm not saying that it's definitely a bad thing, but you may be setting yourself up for more hurt.

 

Well, it wasnt quite like this. I mean, I was desperate to go NC. We had genuine problems with our landlord who accused us of stealing stuff from the flat (we had not, the landlord strangely later said he made a "mistake". He went missing with our deposit too). Anyway, my ex would contact me by email and text and I would HATE hearing from her but we both desperately needed our deposits back. It took 3.5 months to get the deposit back in full. I went full NC at this moment, ignored her birthday and everything.

 

Going NC even after some time after a break up is going to be difficult. It becomes another reminder of the end, another period of grieving. A relapse is understandable.

 

Thank you. Yes I think you are right. I really wanted NC but it is harder than I thought. It's like breakup part two in a way.

 

I totally agree. Not always easy to do though. I'm glad you're moving forward now.

 

Thanks. No, NC from day 1 is not always easy to do. Near impossible really. Lets hope there is not a next time for either of us eh? but if there is, we know what to do from day 1!

 

mr heartbroken. Thanks for that. I hadnt seen it and it is very useful. i took alot from it. Like I said though, I did know the value of NC. I'm just all out of sync I guess.

[caramel c]

I went NC from day one and its been 3 months now and I can't say I'm doing better yet. The only interruption of NC was his one phone call to me and a few texts, to which I only replied to one.

 

I think the fact that you just started NC is why you are going through these things now, and I know you couldn't really do NC from the beginning in your case but I'm here to tell you it may not have been any easier had you gone NC from the start!

 

I am missing a whole lot. I am still trying to make sense of it all. Life sucks still. Depression is near.

[Taucher]

I went NC from day one and its been 3 months now and I can't say I'm doing better yet. The only interruption of NC was his one phone call to me and a few texts, to which I only replied to one.

 

I think the fact that you just started NC is why you are going through these things now, and I know you couldn't really do NC from the beginning in your case but I'm here to tell you it may not have been any easier had you gone NC from the start!

 

I am missing a whole lot. I am still trying to make sense of it all. Life sucks still. Depression is near.

 

Oh dear. I'm so sorry. You are right. Maybe I might just be a bit further down the road if I did NC the day she left. But, like you (I'm guessing here) I cant imagine a time ever when I am not pining for her.

 

You are right, I am going a bit mental cos I have started NC. It is just horrible. I am dreading her contacting me and at the same time I am so hurt that she hasnt called/texted.

 

And, even after 4 months, it just feels all so...surreal. Dont you think? I cant quite get my stupid head to understand that she is gone. It's like I'm playing some sort of sick joke on myself. I still find it shocking. The idea takes my breathe away. She's gone.

 

Take care caramel c.

[caramel c]

We can only speculate, Taucher. Unfortunately it doesn't even matter how things would have worked out had we/hadn't we done what we have done. What we have is a big mess, a bunch of pieces to a puzzle that was once fit together, but now is scattered before us. The pieces are not the same this time, but we still have to make them fit.

[caramel c]

and thank you for your understanding

[Sbrizio]

Taucher, Caramel,

 

i'm with you... 3 months yesterday, almost 2 months NC.. and i still make an hell of my days.

 

I had a phase where i wouldn't have called her for any reason, i was feeling strong on my NC (altough desperate and sad).

 

Now i have moments when i feel the urge (i almost panic) to contact her.

 

The help of some good friends has avoided me to make a fool of myself... but this doesn't make any easier my days.

 

I wait for the day i will wake up and feel in peace.

 

My hugs,

[wondering_girl]

hi guys, i'm sorry WE'RE all going through this but taucher i completely understand where you said you dreading her to contact you, me too, i really don't want to hear from him anymore - yet i get sad when i wake up in the mornings, think that this is the day and then the calls/text never comes... ya know?

 

i did not get closure from my ex-bf of 4 years and he just shut me out and continues to shut me out in silence, his actions speak louder than words.

 

i'm sorry we're going through this it is very PAINFUL, i know everyone says time, but i wish i can see the light sometime soon, i can't see just yet.