lshtrish Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 If you knew your SO cheated on you then common sense would be to break up and never contact them again. This is how the majority would act on the issue. However there are few that still end up marrying them knowing they cheated on them at some point during their relationship. Why? How would they actually get over it enough to consider marriage?
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Some are so infatuated with the other person they don't care what has happened. Some have low self worth and are ok with it because they might have seen it coming anyway. Some genuinely believe in forgiveness in the hopes of a better future. Some take an ex back just to cheat on them in revenge. There's plenty more reasons than that too, take your pick
Phedre Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Love and Logic have an interesting relationship... the more you have of one the less you have of the other The idiots like me that marry the guy that cheated on them in the past and had the typical few break up/back together cycles, eh I just thought marriage is such a serious important binding vow that you wouldn't make it you still felt you were a cheater and weren't ready to settle and be 100% committed... that's not true, he cheated again. And yet I STILL haven't left because I feel a strong need to go to MC (next week is the appt) and... uhhh I dunno, get told how to fix something that I don't even know if I should fix.... yeah, not marrying someone who has ever cheated on you is good advice
silktricks Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I don't know if there would be much difference between marrying someone you knew had cheated on you, or staying married to someone you knew had cheated on you. I would think in both instances you would believe the person had learned that you were more valuable than others... And that they had experienced a degree of pain that you felt strongly they would not do it again...
LakesideDream Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I don't think I could do it. I'm not positive.. to old to say never, but I can't imagine a situation where it could happen. This holds true only if it was someone who cheated on me. It's pretty hard to imagine someone at or near my age not having cheated on someone sometime. If I sought to exclude everyone who had ever cheated from my life I imagine my life would be very lonely.
Ish_trish86 Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 It's pretty hard to imagine someone at or near my age not having cheated on someone sometime.There are still people your age or older that have never cheated. I can't ever imagine with a cheater or someone who had cheated on an ex in which a horrible way. I can perhaps forgive someone was young at the time and did a one time thing and learn from it but a pattern to the personaliy, no way. In that case I'm out. If I sought to exclude everyone who had ever cheated from my life I imagine my life would be very lonely. Sometimes is 100 times better to be lonely than with a bad influence.
OWoman Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I don't know if there would be much difference between marrying someone you knew had cheated on you, or staying married to someone you knew had cheated on you. I would think in both instances you would believe the person had learned that you were more valuable than others... And that they had experienced a degree of pain that you felt strongly they would not do it again... That's probably a similar motivation to the OW who marries her MM...
carhill Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Sometimes is 100 times better to be lonely than with a bad influence. Using LS's very strict rules for cheating, including inappropriate non-sexual emotional attachments, I'd say I'd have to align with LsD here. When you get into your 50's, a lot of life's grey has passed your window. I saw it a lot even when younger, with good friends who were otherwise upstanding people. Then there's everything I didn't see. I believed in all that no sex before marriage and total and complete fidelity and it was me who was alone, not them. Sorry, that's how the world works. I'm alone again in that very gray world, but I got my principals, and a cat
katiekayla1 Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Love and Logic have an interesting relationship... the more you have of one the less you have of the other The idiots like me that marry the guy that cheated on them in the past and had the typical few break up/back together cycles, eh I just thought marriage is such a serious important binding vow that you wouldn't make it you still felt you were a cheater and weren't ready to settle and be 100% committed... that's not true, he cheated again. And yet I STILL haven't left because I feel a strong need to go to MC (next week is the appt) and... uhhh I dunno, get told how to fix something that I don't even know if I should fix.... yeah, not marrying someone who has ever cheated on you is good advice I married one too, needless to say I'm divorced. A leopard never changes it's spots! You will always question that person every time they walk out the door. Without trust a relationship is meaningless, in my opinion once it is violated there is no getting it back.
Ish_trish86 Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Right one a cheater will always be known as a cheater. Even if they were to somehow change, they still did it and it doesn't altered the history. You will never see them the same ever again. I would say that's really too much for someone to deal with. I think sometimes company just likes misery.
Athena Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I can perhaps forgive someone was young at the time and did a one time thing and learn from it but a pattern to the personaliy, no way. In that case I'm out. Exactly! That is Key -- is it the Norm behavior for them to cheat, or a deviant, one-off behavior that they regret and never want to repeat again... is it a Pattern, or is it an Outlier? As for me, I married a Cheater -- but I was 21 and naive about people. He was previously married and had cheated on his W several times, he wanted to change so he went to his W to 'come clean' however she divorced him immediately and so he lost his family (they had a daughter together). He always lamented the fact that his W never gave him 'a chance' to prove himself to her. He said he had mended his ways and that he would NEVER have cheated on her again... or on anyone ever again. We got married and then after a couple of years he was up to his old behaviors, unbeknown to me. See, he had an established pattern already by the time he met me, and without professional help, I guess he just slipped back into his old ways. Turns out he is narcissistic and that this is a personality disorder that cannot be 'fixed'. I didn't know. Now that I know, I would not in the future marry or even date a man that had a past of infidelity as an established pattern. There is a big difference between a one-off affair, especially when it is in their distant past, and they have shown consistent recent and decent behavior in Integrity. We need to keep in mind that the words people say are nice and pretty but they must match their actions at all times. Whenever there is a discrepancy between words and behavior, you must focus on their Actions -- They are the ones to believe. Words are cheap. Anyone can say 'the right thing' to fit in with society's expectations, but it's how that person actually chooses to live their life that is more important to take note of.
LakesideDream Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Using LS's very strict rules for cheating, including inappropriate non-sexual emotional attachments, I'd say I'd have to align with LsD here. When you get into your 50's, a lot of life's grey has passed your window. I saw it a lot even when younger, with good friends who were otherwise upstanding people. Then there's everything I didn't see. I believed in all that no sex before marriage and total and complete fidelity and it was me who was alone, not them. Sorry, that's how the world works. I'm alone again in that very gray world, but I got my principals, and a cat Would seem that way Car. Things I didn't even suspect were "cheating" before I've come to understand many here on LS believe that they are. "Emotional Affairs" (still not sure of that one), Strip Clubs, Even some consider porn cheating. I had an affair with a MW, (when I was single) that makes me a "cheater". The rules are very unforgiving. I have grown and learned a great deal, especially in the past decade. I'm positive that I've become much more forgiving, live and let live. More understanding too. While I'm pretty sure I would never stay with someone who cheated on me, I'm at least equally sure I wouldn't discount completely a person who had cheated in a previous relationship. Then there is the obvious reality that a prospective mate (lady) might never acknowledge that she had cheated in the past. How would I know? It's all very confusing .. and up in the air. I've learned to "never say never" and to be patient. To Athena.... Being lonely isn't the worst thing in the world. It's no fun though, I'd rather have a companion. Trust is something earned whether your companion has previously "cheated" or not, the process is the same.
Athena Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 To Athena.... (...) Trust is something earned whether your companion has previously "cheated" or not, the process is the same. <sigh> live and learn, huh? My way has been to trust until proven otherwise. Is that wrong?
Athena Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 i.e. Trust their words, until their Behavior shows you otherwise... and even then, I have consistently given those people three chances.
Ish_trish86 Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Yes life it's about trusting them until one finds evidence that proves otherwise. It still sucks. You're trusting them and give them your total self plus commitment and don't get the same in return. Then you don't know who may cheat or you as well as one who 100% sure never will. Nothing is 100% guaranteed so you can't control being cheated on no matter what precautions you take. So it leaves to just trusting them and assuming the better, that it doesn't happen. But many I guess aren't prepare for the worst, that it can happen to anyone. It'd be cool though if you can tell ahead of time.
LakesideDream Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 <sigh> live and learn, huh? My way has been to trust until proven otherwise. Is that wrong? Athena, I'm old enough to have abandoned the "proven otherwise" tactic. I've found that few people are actually worthy of "trust". That may sound sad but it's true. There's a reason we lock our doors and don't leave valuables laying around with folks visiting. I have an empty drawer in my dresser to move my watches and other valuables into when I have visitors I don't know extensively. I have a safe in my home. As for my heart, that's the most valuable thing I have to give. I'm careful not to have it stolen under false pretenses.
Athena Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 As for my heart, that's the most valuable thing I have to give. I'm careful not to have it stolen under false pretenses. Powerful!
OWoman Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Athena, I'm old enough to have abandoned the "proven otherwise" tactic. I've found that few people are actually worthy of "trust". That may sound sad but it's true. I've been that way since birth! And, it's worked for me. Those who have earned my trust have it, but those who are outside the circle of trust have to prove their credentials before they can enter.
silktricks Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 That's probably a similar motivation to the OW who marries her MM... I think there are certain similarities between OW who marry the MM and BS who stay with the cheater - as well as (though I hadn't actually thought of it before this thread) people who marry someone who has cheated on them. All of the above people certainly share a couple important qualities - hope and forgiveness. I also do not (now or ever in the past) give trust before it is earned. Trust is not something to be given freely, IMO... More people do not deserve it than do (in my experience).
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