Self destruct "perfect" marriage?

[riley707]

Been reading for a very long time. Almost 3 months. This forum and others. Thanks to everyone out there for sharing their stories. Not sure where to turn?

 

39 yrs old, male, 2 kids, boy 3 and girl 7. Married 11 years, dated for three. Several issues I need to work on, some minor some major. Starting with the large one:

 

Physical connection with wife started out great, then went south once our daughter was born. South as in 1x per week from 3x per week. These days, its more like 1x per 3 months.

 

The physical connection is gone and I am afraid I do not have enough love for her to allow it to slide away knowing we still have the emotional and spiritual bond. Everything ....it seems... is tied together. We're tired, exhausted and we've been through too much.

 

Wife tells me, after our daughter was born that she was abused as a child. By her father. And now, ever since daughter was born, when we make love she has flashbacks.

 

This about killed it for me as well. How to enjoy sex and love 100% knowing the other person is having flashbacks about being sexually abused?

 

As soon as you say sex and love are an issue, they will always be an issue. I have tried everything under the sun to de-emphasize the role of physical contact in our relationship but it keeps resurfacing. My wife has tried to get help, but the emotions, she says, run too deep and it hurts too much to talk about.

 

So for 7 years, we have sat back while this incident continues to force a wedge between us. There are other issues as well that have worn on our relationship, I'll get to those in a bit.

 

One kiss in the morning, one kiss at night. We also do not touch each other in bed outside of the 4x per year when we do make love.

 

I would love to hold my wife, love her as I loved her when we first met and dated and married, but I check and look and search and simply the love is no longer there. I can see it in our two children, I look for it in them all the time. But I stare at her and try and try but I do not feel anything....at all.

[trippi1432]

Been reading for a very long time. Almost 3 months. This forum and others. Thanks to everyone out there for sharing their stories. Not sure where to turn?

 

39 yrs old, male, 2 kids, boy 3 and girl 7. Married 11 years, dated for three. Several issues I need to work on, some minor some major. Starting with the large one:

 

Physical connection with wife started out great, then went south once our daughter was born. South as in 1x per week from 3x per week. These days, its more like 1x per 3 months.

 

The physical connection is gone and I am afraid I do not have enough love for her to allow it to slide away knowing we still have the emotional and spiritual bond. Everything ....it seems... is tied together. We're tired, exhausted and we've been through too much.

 

Wife tells me, after our daughter was born that she was abused as a child. By her father. And now, ever since daughter was born, when we make love she has flashbacks.

 

This about killed it for me as well. How to enjoy sex and love 100% knowing the other person is having flashbacks about being sexually abused?

 

As soon as you say sex and love are an issue, they will always be an issue. I have tried everything under the sun to de-emphasize the role of physical contact in our relationship but it keeps resurfacing. My wife has tried to get help, but the emotions, she says, run too deep and it hurts too much to talk about.

 

So for 7 years, we have sat back while this incident continues to force a wedge between us. There are other issues as well that have worn on our relationship, I'll get to those in a bit.

 

One kiss in the morning, one kiss at night. We also do not touch each other in bed outside of the 4x per year when we do make love.

 

I would love to hold my wife, love her as I loved her when we first met and dated and married, but I check and look and search and simply the love is no longer there. I can see it in our two children, I look for it in them all the time. But I stare at her and try and try but I do not feel anything....at all.

 

So, you feel like something is missing...you've lost those feelings for her that you once had....does she feel the same way about you? Have you asked her, have you once sat down and discussed with her what the future will be like between the two of you once the kids are grown up and gone? Are you prepared to negotiate who gets the kids for the holidays and not seeing them all the time? Are you prepared to break your children's hearts too?

 

Have you thought about that if you act upon the only thing you are feeling at this moment that you would be throwing your family's lifes to turmoil? Have you thought about that if you left, she will never look at you the same way again? Do you also realize that she will never trust you again if you ever regretted your decision and want your life with your family back? Do you want it to be like it was before? You have two choices, re-create the connection or break that connection forever. If you think you have lost something now, you have no idea the loss you will really have you rip the two halves of one entity apart.

 

If you truly have an emotional and spiritual bond, you need to help her and/or make her get help for those things that are haunting her from her childhood. Seven years is too long for her to continue to carry that burden...everytime that she relives that memory, she lets a sick person win and have control over her life. You should also realize that she is probably not in control of her emotions due to reliving those events. For you to stand by her through those years shows that you must have some empathy and love for her. Something else you might want to try and understand....these issues started after the daughter was born...your wife's own father abused her as a little girl....connection??? She needs to know that she can trust you, by walking out on the relationship, you will only be proving that she can't.

 

It sounds to me like you just have some issues to work out because it sounds like you do have a good marriage and I'm betting, a beautiful family. Being on this board, looking for a reason for a way out...it's not the answer you are really looking for. You want your wife back, the person that you used to love....and she is there, but the two of you have to bring her back.

[seibert253]

Tried MC? If you two still love each other, it will work. There are issues that need to be address. I hope both of you see that and are willing to work. Otherwise something really bad will happen eventually.

[carhill]

This very long thread appears relevant to your issues:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201696/

 

My sympathies...

[wasabe]

Life is full of stories reminding us that it is not easy, by any means. Sometimes, you can make it work. Other times, it's best to cut your losses.

 

Some people will advise you to seek marriage counseling, but, it rarely provides the results you want.

 

Cutting your losses can be painfull, but, letting go, gives you a new lease on life; new opportunities to re-invent yourself and right wrongs with someone new, without, the strangle-hold of another marriage.

 

Nothing lasts forever. Don't expect a marriage to give you a lifetime warranty on happiness.

[riley707]

Thanks for the input everyone. great perspective and great thoughts.

 

As with most men, there were issues I never quite reconciled with my father. I think for me, these were a little more than the average guy and something that had to be resolved. He died just last year in a tragic ski accident, doing what he loved, but he was alone and died alone. 66, retired for just one year.

 

This is the "trigger" that i have been dealing with. Wife and i have been moving along, trying to work on this, and yes, it is a perfect little house, warm cookies on the weekends and lots of love for the children.

 

But....I now have an incredible sense of finality and frankly I'm pissed off at myself that i can't seem to get around this issue. I'm basically saying to myself I may have 20 years left and this is it. A great life with no physical bond. Almost like roommates, friends, two domestic partners.

 

She is convinced that she will be unable to get over this. I need to read up more on sexual abuse but i think i'll find out it is something many do not get over. Why can't she see this is hurting me too and why does she expect me to stay here and date myself every Friday night while life passes us by?

 

I never signed up for this when i married her and there is a slight anger in me as well that she never told me about it before we married. It would have been something i wanted to make sure we could work on.

[PWSX3]

Both of you need to get into counseling & work on those issues that have come back from your past.

 

Did you do any grieving classes for the loss of your dad? My best friend lost his mom two years ago & he just sat in his house. His sister finally got him to classes & he said that was the best thing that he could have done.

 

Things like this we can not fix ourselves, you need professional help. It won't go away & as you see with your W, it comes back later in life.

 

Don't give up on your marriage, you just need some help to walk your way through this storm.

 

If you have any kind of Christian background I would suggest a Christian counselor, but that is just my own opinion.

[trippi1432]

Great advice PW.

 

Riley, you may also want to check out what is going on with your feelings as well, just so many things you are saying (well except for the lack of sex part) are the same things that my own husband said as he left.....and he is exactly your age.

 

It just seems that so many people hit this stage of their life where they find that life is truly short and start thinking that they are unhappy....in actuality, it may not be the other person in your life that is making you unhappy, but your perception of what unhappiness is.

 

My grandfather passed away in 1992, 3 months before I was to graduate from my first round of college. I recall my last conversation I would ever have with him, late at night because he couldn't sleep and he was watching an old black and white re-run of Andy Griffith. I sat at the kitchen table with him and out of the blue he tells me, I love your grandmother....Betty, but I will never love anyone as much as I loved your first grandmother (also named Betty). My real grandmother died before I was ever thought of, I never got to meet her...but I've been told many times that I have her spirit. He passed away one month before my graduation.

 

Fast forward to 17 years later, during the demise of my own marriage, a MC made the comment that men marry for life they just do not forget that first love. My grandfather had been married 3 times, my own father also married 3 times. I find it interesting that even after almost three decades of not having his first wife in his life, the love he carried for her was still there on his way out of this life (granted, he was widowed in the first stage, but I have heard this from many elder generations). He was her hero and she was his.....to me, there are 3 stages of a marriage...the honeymoon phase....the child-rearing phase and the then the honeymoon phase again. If you survive the middle...then you should really be here asking how to get that honeymoon phase back at the end...and you can get it badk if you survive the middle.

 

I really hope to not see you here again Riley, other than to say that she is the center of your life and you are the center of hers....help each other thru the hurts...that is what makes a marriage stonger....and what makes you the man she needs and her the woman you need in your life.

[ryepatch]

Great advice PW.

 

Riley, you may also want to check out what is going on with your feelings as well, just so many things you are saying (well except for the lack of sex part) are the same things that my own husband said as he left.....and he is exactly your age.

 

It just seems that so many people hit this stage of their life where they find that life is truly short and start thinking that they are unhappy....in actuality, it may not be the other person in your life that is making you unhappy, but your perception of what unhappiness is.

 

My grandfather passed away in 1992, 3 months before I was to graduate from my first round of college. I recall my last conversation I would ever have with him, late at night because he couldn't sleep and he was watching an old black and white re-run of Andy Griffith. I sat at the kitchen table with him and out of the blue he tells me, I love your grandmother....Betty, but I will never love anyone as much as I loved your first grandmother (also named Betty). My real grandmother died before I was ever thought of, I never got to meet her...but I've been told many times that I have her spirit. He passed away one month before my graduation.

 

Fast forward to 17 years later, during the demise of my own marriage, a MC made the comment that men marry for life they just do not forget that first love. My grandfather had been married 3 times, my own father also married 3 times. I find it interesting that even after almost three decades of not having his first wife in his life, the love he carried for her was still there on his way out of this life (granted, he was widowed in the first stage, but I have heard this from many elder generations). He was her hero and she was his.....to me, there are 3 stages of a marriage...the honeymoon phase....the child-rearing phase and the then the honeymoon phase again. If you survive the middle...then you should really be here asking how to get that honeymoon phase back at the end...and you can get it badk if you survive the middle.

 

I really hope to not see you here again Riley, other than to say that she is the center of your life and you are the center of hers....help each other thru the hurts...that is what makes a marriage stonger....and what makes you the man she needs and her the woman you need in your life.

 

this was a truly great post, trippi.

 

riley, has your wife actually tried therapy? you said she tried to get help. it seems to me that she seriously needs professional help over a long period of time.

 

yes, read up on sexual abuse, read all the different theories about it that you can. you need to find the right therapist, who can help her not just understand why it happened and how it affected her but what she can do about it. i think (not an expert) cognitive behavioral therapy is focused on results, not just analysis.

 

when you do ML, what is different about those times? is it intimate then? does she initiate? try to figure out what works and what doesn't.

 

make sure you're not withholding hugs, backrubs, etc., just because she's withholding sex.

 

you should be in therapy too, to process your feelings about this.

 

if one therapist doesn't work, try another one. some are terrible, you need one suited to you/your wife. they're not like physicians or mechanics, it's like picking a college to go to, or even like dating. you form a relationship with your therapist, you just have to "click" with them.

 

if you guys still have that emotional/spiritual connection, this can work.

 

(yes, she should have told you this before marriage. but since you haven't been through this, you can't necessarily understand off the bat whhy she didn't. just don't be resentful at her about it.)

 

it is not anger, but resentment that kills a marriage.

 

this is hard for you, but even harder for your wife.

 

remember, love is an action verb. you have to DO it. and you have to be patient.

[giotto]

would you be able to "find" the love for your wife if she solved her issues? Or is the love for your wife gone forever?

 

I never signed up for this when i married her and there is a slight anger in me as well that she never told me about it before we married. It would have been something i wanted to make sure we could work on.

well, she was trying to forget, to sweep it under the carpet... it's normal, isn't it?

 

After I married my wife I really found out how many issues from her upbringing she had. These issues have destroyed our marriage as well. I didn't know how to deal with them and there was no communication and things just deteriorated... funnily enough after the birth of our second child. I'm angry at my wife too, for ****ing up my life. I really am. But I've decided to stay, despite I will never be able to love her as I did in the past. There is too much baggage and hurt. I'll stay until the little one will flee the nest...

 

Good luck to you...