CP Boyfriend...Have I pushed him away again???..NC take 2!

[LostLozz]

Hello All,

 

I am new to this forum and this is my first ever thread. I have spent the last week looking over many others and thought that the advice was brilliant. Now wondering if people wouldn't mind giving me their advice on my heartbroken woes???...Please!

 

My one and a half year relationship ended with the love of my life after he confessed to me that he has commitment issues. On the 12th August I forced my BF to end the relationship because it was not fair on me and he needed the time to get his head sorted without me clouding it any longer.

This was the hardest thing that I had to do and our ending was dramatic and emotional. We both cried and didn't want to let each other go. He had only explained his struggles with committing to me two days previously, however it had been a long time coming. He pushed me away to such an extent that I pursued and chased him to try and save what we had. I know now that I was doing the worst possible thing. My chasing pushed him to such an extent that he sabotaged our relationship at every attempt and hurt me beyond belief.

 

He is the best man I know and I love him dearly. On the day that we split I focused my attention on doing online research on commitment Phobics. I came across "How to spot a commitment Phobic" Amazingly he hit pretty much every point.

The same day I changed my FB relationship status to single. I wanted to hurry the healing process and I don't know if I did this. I just hurt more.

He called me that evening and I sent him the link via email. He sobbed down the phone to me saying how sorry that he was and that he knew he needed help. Those next two weeks were dreadful and I kept researching how to best heal with my pain. I gathered all his belongings and bagged them up for his collection. Sadly in between these days, I made several key mistakes. I cried to him, shouted at him for doing this to me, I wrote a goodbye letter with all my heart felt thoughts and feelings of love towards him and the biggest mistake, I allowed our attraction and love to one another get in the way and we slept together. I know that this was a stupid thing to do and it changed nothing. I was hurt and he was still screwed up.

 

After he left that night I began to read "Men who can't love". I ordered it online and I guess it arrived a little too late. I texted him the following day saying that no matter what, I still wanted to remain friends with him. He did also. I read the book in 2 days and by the time I had finished reading it I was extremely angry. I was so angry for him putting me in this position. True to CP behaviour, he pursued me. I wasn't even interested in him and the minute I fell in love with him and wanted a normal healthy relationship, he switched! I was fuming that I was so hurt and it was he who did this to me. He sold me this beautiful dream of a happy loving life with him and I believed that he would do anything in his power to do that for me.

 

3 days had passed and in the mean time my anger caused me to delete all our photo albums off of FB and for me to remove him as my friend. I didn't want him coming back every now and again and playing with my head. I wanted to push straight past the hurt and the heartache and just heal already. After 3 days of not hearing from him he sends me this crappy text all about what he is doing and doesn't even ask how I am doing. I ignored this. He must have thought that this was weird because after he finished work that night at 2am, he went onto FB to see what I had been up to and found out that I had removed him as my friend. He called me right away. I told him that he hurt me and that I didn't think that I could be friends with him after all. It would just be too hard. He said that he didn't want to be alone and yet again I made the mistake of not listening to him, and instead I bit his head off! This is what he wanted right!!

After an hour of having a go at him we said our goodbyes and I said that when I was ready, then I would be in touch....I stewed on this for an hour, then text him saying that if he wanted to be my friend, then to read this book that I would leave for him at work. After he was finished he was then asked to let me know what he thought. That has now been a good 3-4 weeks ago and the book has not been mentioned since.

 

5 days later and I had not heard anything, so I called him. I said sorry for having a go at him and that I was just finding it very hard at the moment and didn't know what to do for the best. He told me he had the book but had not read it yet.

We spoke for 40 minutes about what was going on in our lives and then I said that I would let him go and said goodbye.

 

On the 9th day of previously having NC, he text me to say Happy Birthday. A few lines more but still very impersonal. I replied thanks and kept it the same. Both of our text finished with one 'X' each.

 

3 days later I broke the NC and text him asking how he was doing and also some work related stuff. He replied instantly and asked me how my birthday was and said that it was nice to hear from me. We text for a little while longer and his text mentioned that he found it tough not speaking to me everyday, that he misses me, that he is not happy with the person that he has become, being alone and hurting people, and when he mentioned that he was not happy and I said that I hope he knew that I was here for him, he said that he knew that I was and that meant alot to him, especially after what he did to me. Loves ya! (What does that mean???)

 

The same day he knew that I would be in work at 2pm and he needed to collect something from my office. I told him where it was so we didn't have to see each other and he made a point of coming to the office when I was there. It was almost 3 weeks since we had seen each other last. We spoke briefly for about 5 minutes and I knew that he was missing me. He looked so sad and he didn't really want to leave. We said goodbye, take care and had a half hearted hug with a kiss on the cheek. It was awkward as hell because all I wanted to do was jump all over him and I was pretty sure he felt the same towards me.

 

The following night I received a picture message from him. It was a clown and he knows that I hate clowns. He finds it funny and he said, "I saw this and thought of you". I didn't reply immediately only because I didn't even know that I had a text. (No doubt that I would of)

I did reply and he was asking how I was. Luckily I was at a work do and so it sounded like I was doing good and getting out instead of moping around. Due to the amount of alcohol that I had that evening I cannot really remember the details of the text, however I know he told me that he missed my laugh, my smile, my hugs, everything really! I was over joyed and stupidly obviously a little too drunk.

 

I called him and he didn't answer...(Should of known then not to call again)...so I text him saying that it was easier to call, was he likely to answer...so I called him again, and he did answer. We spoke briefly about things and then it got a bit flirty. In fact it can only really be described as phone sex. He ended the conversation first saying he was tired leaving me completely confused at what just happened. My head was messed up again!!!!

 

I was analysing everything that was said and thought I was in for a chance of us getting back together. The next day we both went NC and stupidly the day after I contacted him stating that I was "reconsidering the no sex rule, what do ya think? X"...He took ages to reply but said "I think as much as I want to I don't think that it's the best idea in the world. I need to sort my head out and I think that would just complicate matters".

BLOW OUT!!!...I replied "Yeah you are probably very right. I know it's probably not the best idea in the world and it's pretty stupid for suggesting it. I know you need to sort your head out and do what you have to do and I respect that I really do. I do however regret having that sex talk the other night coz now I'm really horny! lol. Forget I mentioned it".

 

It has now been 5 days since those text. NC from both of us and I am struggling terribly. I think I have undone all my hard work and chased a commitment phobe away by being too forward!!! I love this man with all my heart and I don't doubt that he loves me.

 

Help!!! Please someone tell me what I should do next!!! I really don't want to ruin any progress that I may have with him, if he ever contacts me again!!!

 

Thanks. xxxx

[mimiminx]

wow. I can relate to almost everything you said in this post, including the sex talk. I am struggling with the same thing... now 5 days NC, we've been apart for almost 2 months, he's struggling with commitment too..

Wish I could give you advice but I'm in the same boat. The best advice I have been given is to stop pursuing him. Just stop. Read up on "pursuit-distance" and it'll probably hit home for you. Once you stop pursuing, with these guys, usually they come barreling in trying to get your attention and pursue you. Don't contact him, let him contact you. I did the same thing... I wrote an email about where I realized the problems lied in our relationship and if he agreed and wanted to address them to save our relationship, let me know. That was over a week ago and he hasn't even mentioned it. After such intense and persistent contact on his part, I was thinking for sure he's having a change of heart... but then once I pursue, he distances. Read up on it. My post, "Over or Not Over" goes into 15 pages of detail about my story. I have been given great advice, especially by Westrock. This rollercoaster of thinking "oh, he wants to get back together, then "no I guess not", but he still tells me he loves me very much, he misses me, I'm the best, "maybe we can come back together"...

My guy and I love eachother very much and still have romantic feelings for eachother too. But he doesn't want to "commit" to anything, even making up.

I completely understand... you want to be sure you don't keep pushing him away... I feel the same way and it's very hard to do that and know what the right thing is to do. I still want to have him in my life, there was nothing bad between us, but I think by letting him know that you're not ok with just being in a half-assed relationship with him is the best thing.. you don't need to tell him that, but just stop pursuing him. Let him do it, if he does. And with these men, it's very likely they will. And when he does contact you, bring up the book. Tell him "i am open to continue talking to you, but only if you address what I mentioned" That's setting a boundary while not slamming the door on him. I think it's ok to talk to him, as long as he talks to you about what you addressed also. Other than that, leave him alone. You contacting him is pushing him away, believe it or not.

[LostLozz]

Mimiminx - I have been reading your thread for the last few days in between work and my god did it hit home to me. I think that you and I are very much in the same boat. I felt better and now I feel crap again. I have been crying for the last day or so and it's really starting to get me down. I can't believe I have been hooked again so easily.

I go out and I don't like the attention that I seem to be getting from other men. It is all unwanted and all I want is him.

Westrock's advice has been fantastic and I really want to be able to do the email that you have done but I know that I am not in the position to do that yet. I refuse to contact him and I know if I do, then I will make matters 10 times worse.

I want to tell him that I did things wrong also and I have never really listened to him. He said to me once that he wanted to take a step back in our relationship and slow it down...sadly this was too late and I only understand it all now!!!

 

I read your thread intently and am praying for a happy ending for you, especially as we are pretty much in the exact situation...Please keep writing! You are really helping me too xxx

[mimiminx]

I feel the same way about other mens' attention to me... it actually makes me feel kind of worse because I want it from him too. I'm also sooo not interested in dating or even talking with another guy because it doesn't feel right, as I am madly in love with him, love of my life, thought and still think of him as a future husband and the father of my children, etc. We were planning all those things very seriously too.

I have to mention also, that it is ok to talk to him, as long as you're not pursuing him. If you can't handle the contact, then take time to respond, or don't. I went for over a week straight ignoring his persistent attempts to contact me, telling me he loves me and misses me, wants to talk, then I finally caved in, like "what do you want?!" That contact led to the 'phone sex' too. I actually did what you did afterwards by telling him that you liked it, etc. Mistake. Then comes his distancing, sort of. I haven't heard from him in 5 days, sometimes I think, oh he's forgotten about me, he doesn't care anymore, he's slipping away. My very best advice to you and MYSELF is to stop pursuing him when he starts to pursue you. You know that men love to chase, when it's too easy they stop chasing. I don't know why men do this, but they do. What I'm doing for now, despite the love my guy and I still have for eachother, is focusing on myself, trying to enjoy my independence, just ME. I know it's hard when the love of your life let you go, but won't let you go, but really, I think that these dudes need a taste of what life is like without us. I put my feelings out there for him, he knows. If you did the same, what else can we do? I'm waiting for his response to my email, may not happen. If he contacts me again, I know what to do. Don't indulge him anymore, let him contact you and keep ignoring the breadcrumbs, because that's really what they are... they're not enough.

Imagine if this goes on for another 2 months with us, and they're still in the same place?! The only way to get these guys off the fence is to take drastic measures.. they have no reason to be completely in or completely out unless we show by ACTIONS that their behavior is unacceptable and we deserve better. How to do that? "Disappear" for awhile. Undoubtedly, unless they just don't care anymore and are moving on, they will start pursuing again. I think the key is to not take their bait.. because that, as you know, leads to a vicious cycle.

Westrock recommended a book to me called "Make Up Don't Break Up" that talks about the pursuit-distance cycle.

[LostLozz]

Thanks Mimiminx.

 

I agree with everything that you are saying although I also think that I am at least one step behind you. Ever since we split I have put the onus completely on him. He hurt me, he ruined everything we had, and he is reason that he and I are apart now. It has taken me the last week after reading Westrock's advice on your thread, to realise that I also played a massive part in the failings of our relationship. I am a firey person and he is a chilled back, non confrontational guy. When ever we have had arguments in the past it has always been me nagging at him and him probably trying to block out the noise. He deeply struggles with expressing his thoughts and feelings and I understood this as a weakness. I couldn't understand why he acted the way he did, why he always let me down and hurt my feelings when pushing me away. I thought he was a coward and I started thinking that he was not the same man that I fell in love with. The fact is that he is still that man. I just failed to listen to the few things that he did tell me.

 

I should have listened to him and allowed him to express his concerns. All I did was hound him with questions and put endless guilt trips on him!!

 

If only we communicated better then I bet none of this would be happening now. I want to tell him that he is not solely to blame. I want to take some of that guilt away from him. The last time we spoke he was telling me that he wants to be happy again and low and behold I went into one again!

Not massively but I was still questioning him. Frustrated that he wanted his space and freedom and the moment I gave it to him he didn't like it! It annoyed me because that was the last thing that I wanted and still is!

 

So...I am thinking of waiting till the next time he contacts me and I ask him if he is willing to get a drink with me because I wish to discuss my failings also. I haven't got a clue how to even suggesting this without him panicking that I am pursuing him. I don't want to do that anymore. I just want to take some responsibilty of the problems that we had and tell him that. I think that is only fair that he knows that I am aware that I am also to blame, especially as he says that he doesn't like the person that he has become.

 

I want him to know that I do not and never will hate him. I love him and always want and see him in my life. I am just really scared that I will push him further away.

 

Is inviting him to a mutual place for a drink a good idea? I am struggling in how to communicate with him. I have taken him off as my friend from FB and it appears both of us are going hard NC. I just want him to see that I am genuine when telling him this stuff. I then plan to go NC and leave him to stew over all of it.

 

I also want to know when do I add him as a friend on FB again. I miss him so much

 

Any suggestions appreciated xx

[mimiminx]

I can't say if it would be a good idea for you two to meet in person, don't you agree that you might be weak? I would! What I did was send an email, being totally honest, genuine, admitting and realizing that I was smothering him and reacting, etc., also pointing out his avoidance issues.. I sent it, said my peace, letting him stew on it. Will I get a response? Maybe, maybe not. But in the meantime I know that I was honest and it took me about a month to see that I was pushing him away and WHY. I am also a very "fiery" woman, lots of passion, very emotional, and R is the most easy going man I have ever met. He is the epitome of calm and patient in my eyes, or maybe just compared to me! I felt much better after sending the email, just for my own good. Of course hoping he responds positively but I don't expect it immediately or at all.

I do think that it may help you to tell him how you feel, (whether in person or email, phone call) but then you must BACK OFF. That's what I have been doing.. it's very hard but actually it's getting easier. Say your peace and leave it at that. It's kind of like having closure, do it for YOU. I felt much better after I sent him that. Still nothing from him, but hey.. in my opinion honesty is the best policy. So many people who get dumped say "F you... I hate you, I never want to see you or hear from you again!" when they really don't. I have never regretted being honest. If you would like to express the way you feel to him, I would definitely do it. But then what you do afterwards is key.

As far as FB, so you deleted him in anger? I wouldn't request his friendship again just yet. I'd wait on that one.

[leap83]

Hey!

 

I went through the same thing about a month ago. I can totally relate to you. I'm going to tell you what I have done so you can take whatever you need to help yourself heal.

 

My relationship, by the end, was a mess just like yours. Last phone conversation was absolutely horrible and the last couple of e-mails exchanged were completely and utterly normal. My last e-mail to him was asking him to give me time and that I will contact him when I'm ready to be friends. That was last week I believe. This week he closed communication on eharmony, I guess expecting me to react to it, but I didn't budge - as much as it hurt. I still have him on fb and sometimes I check what he's doing but for the most part I don't bother.

 

I have managed to completely supress all of the feelings I had for him and I got to the point where I don't know if I would ever want to be with him again. He would have to do something incredibly big for me to go back to him. How did I manage to do that? I surrounded myself with friends and family, and pre-occupied myself with TONS of activities during the day which wouldn't let me think about us and what happened. I still think about it from time to time, but it's not that bad. I forgave him for everything he did - i don't feel angry anymore and I'm even thinking of maybe dating someone else.

 

I plan to stay friends with him. However, I don't plan to contact him for another 7 months. However, if in the meantime, I decide to go out with this one guy (and yes, I'm really thinking about doing that because I like him and he is very decent), I am not going to contact him ever again.

 

You need to stop thinking about this - I know it's hard. But it will really help you heal. There was a thread on the forum a few days ago. A guy that wrote it sounded exactly like my ex and I'm sure if you've read it, it would bring some memories. It was hard for me to read the thread but it got deleted for some odd reason.

 

However, you really, really need to take care of yourself. The more you try to get closer to him, the more he's going to back off. So, you need to do NC and completely stop talking with him. I don't really know how I did it... I guess it was the friends that helped me stay focused... But hang in there. This is the worst part of it and the better is soon to come. Trust me on that.

[leap83]

Btw... I also mentioned to him the whole "no sex" thing just like you. He said EXACTLY the same thing your guy did.... but after like an hour because he was thinking about it.... Yeah...

[wondering_girl]

hi lost, mimi, and leap, i'm sorry we're all going through this.... i'm going through it right now, it's VERY VERY painful.. i don't even know how to describe it. i have chest pains when i wake up in the morning..... but i def agree with mimi, i did what she did, except i did mine in person, i told him we had an issue that i wanted to work out with him and i loved him and he didn't really say anything which hurts, its been day 13 of NC and haven't heard anything at all from him about what i said, after we tell them how we feel that's pretty much how it's gonna go i guess, i wanna call him this and that but i'm not even sure what to say, so i'm still out in the cold or maybe he just left..... but i would not contact him, i know it's hard but if he wants to come back he will i just wish NC was guaranteed, but its not.

 

*hugs*

[georgia girl]

Since I am dating a commitment phobe like all of you, I thought I'd chip in. First, quit beating yourself up. Everyone wants to save their relationship and no one does all of the right things when breaking up. It's over, done with and you have to stop believing that if you had acted differently, you wouldn't have broken up. I did that for a long time and have realized that my BF was spiralling out of control with his CP that it would have happened had I been Mother Theresa with the body of Heidi Klum in a pair of stillettos and a lace teddy. That spiral is their issue, not yours. Don't own it. One of the things commitment phobes do - I think - is lay back and let other people fix their lives for them. That way, if it doesn'twork out so much, they don't have to blame themselves.

 

My next step is to go no contact and focus on you. My BF did all of the same things when we were broken up. He used to text me daily, stop by my house (a few times), became my friend on FB, call, whatever. I ignored it all. Not to be mean but because I had looked into my soul, decided what I needed from a relationship and decided that I would not respond to any crumbs. Instead, I needed X and I would not respond until I got X.

 

Interestingly enough, he caught on very quickly and offered X. While I didn't realize it at the time, I realize now that I just didn't believe he really meant it. I instinctively reacted and said no, nothing had changed. That's when we both began to change. I got my self confidence back and he let go of the baggage he had been holding onto about how our relationship was "stifling him." without that critical juncture, I'm not sure we'd be here today.

 

Gradually, we got back together. We decided on couple's counseling because we're old and that works for us. Lots of other couples in our friends circle have had the same problems and worked on communicating better. We both have jobs where we argue a lot, so we needed a facilitator!

 

In the end, you have to focus on you - and not the you in a relationship with the guy you love. Once you do that, I think you can make healthy choices - with or without him.

[leap83]

You know... I've been thinking... the best thing to do is to stay away from these kinds of men... They can really put your heart and soul into a grinder and why the hell do we need that?! We're searching for happiness and the only thing we're doing is wasting energy on them. To be honest, until they're ready to change, I highly doubt we can change them. I'm about to toss the whole relationship down the drain because wth do I need this?! Causing myself to suffer is just crap... I think we all deserve WAY better and I'm 100% certain there is WAY better.

[caramel c]

It's true that this is their issue, not ours, so we should not blame ourselves or try to fix it. Had they stuck around and asked for our help while inside of the relationship I don't think a single one of us would have hesitated. But, they ran, and so therefore they need to deal with it by themselves and/or with the help of the people they have around them now. They may never change. They may never be able to have a healthy happy relationship. Do we want to be unfufilled? I don't think so. We deserve more and we will get more.

[LostLozz]

Hi Mimiminx, Leap83, Wondering Girl and Georgia Girl,

I really appreciate your responses to my post, and I can say now that I pretty much agree with you all.

I was struggling yesterday and I don't really know where it came about because I was doing really well for a while. We have now been split up for over 6 weeks now and the progress that we have made to reconcile is pretty minimal.

 

Without meaning to sound conceited, I am a women with a strong character. I do not take kindly to being messed about and my ex knows that. I can especially relate to Leap83. You are a strong minded person and once you put your mind to it, then there is no going back. Hence why back in the first few weeks I thought "F You buddy!!!" You are soooo not coming back in and out of my life when it suits you, so I deleted him off of facebook. I tightened all my privacy settings so he literally cannot see what I am doing and who I am talking to. We work in the same area but dont necessarily see each other frequently. We have over 50 mutual friends on FB so its always been pretty easy to see what the other has been doing. I wish that his privacy settings had been set tighter but they are not and I can go on his wall and see what he is up to whenever I want. This has not helped me because I spend a huge part of my day checking out his wall (I know...how sad!!!)...in fact the other night I made a huge drunken mistake and tried to search his name on my iPhone but instead added it as my status!!!! Oh the humiliation if he ever finds out!!! What a complete nob I have been!!!

 

I did however have a pretty bad night though. I was leaving a bar in London and as I was walking to the train station I was lagging behind my group of friends, and out of nowhere some man crossed my path as he was heading in the opposite direction and grabbed me on my private parts. I was yelling, screaming and shouting at him and for my friends but they didn't hear me. This guy just turned towards me and gave me an evil grin. That was the moment that I really well and truly missed my man. I no longer felt safe and when I was with him he made me feel so secure. I just couldn't stop thinking that if he were with me then it would never have happened, and even if he were, then that ******* would of got what he deserved. My friends that I was out with are my work colleagues and my ex and I are both police officers. It was not something that I took well and I must admit, I did extremely well not to have contacted him that night!!!

 

I suppose that was the reason for me feeling so awful yesterday. I really miss him and we have had NC for 6 days now! Iknow I have to go hard core NC and just stick to it.

 

Maybe in time when our communication picks up, then I will be able to express my failings in the relationship also. For now I think you are all right. I must leave it for him to work himself out!

 

Thanks xxx

[LostLozz]

Well I can't sleep and have been on my laptop for hours trying to create this email regarding telling him my so called failings in the relationship. I made a draft but after reading the posts above, I am definately not going to send it.

My failings were based on him not telling me what was going on in his head. It's not like I didn't ask him, so they are his failings not mine. It's his CP issue not mine! I refuse to own his problems. I tried and tried to make us work. I was the best girlfriend ever to him. He hurt me beyond belief and I am still hanging out...hoping for him to come running back to me!

 

I must be a fool. It's not going to happen and if it ever does, Is he ever going to change his ways or am I forever going to be worried that I am showing him too much love and affection!!! I am worth more than this and I have no clue why he hasn't tried to get in contact with me after I suggested reconsidering the no sex rule! Yeah sure it was stupid but that was only based on the images that he put in my head during his phone sex and telling me what he wanted to do to me! So why is he now going NC on me???

[mimiminx]

Well I can't sleep and have been on my laptop for hours trying to create this email regarding telling him my so called failings in the relationship. I made a draft but after reading the posts above, I am definately not going to send it.

My failings were based on him not telling me what was going on in his head. It's not like I didn't ask him, so they are his failings not mine. It's his CP issue not mine! I refuse to own his problems. I tried and tried to make us work. I was the best girlfriend ever to him. He hurt me beyond belief and I am still hanging out...hoping for him to come running back to me!

 

I must be a fool. It's not going to happen and if it ever does, Is he ever going to change his ways or am I forever going to be worried that I am showing him too much love and affection!!! I am worth more than this and I have no clue why he hasn't tried to get in contact with me after I suggested reconsidering the no sex rule! Yeah sure it was stupid but that was only based on the images that he put in my head during his phone sex and telling me what he wanted to do to me! So why is he now going NC on me???

 

I feel the same way Lostlozz.. why, after his explicit phone call, telling me what he would like to do to me, what would happen if he was with me right then, he disappears. ???? Moment of weakness and they're embarrassed?

[ecm]

Hey ladies (and gentlemen if any of you are men)- why do they say something sexual, get you all hot and bothered, then run? I think it's the same reason they run when things are good. Once you have the power to hurt them, they feel vulnerable. So, they have to run, so they can be the one in control. That's what I think, anyway.

 

Lostlozz (and all of you other fabulous people who've been through/ are going through this CR*P): It's crazy how we can be the best girlfriends they've ever had, treat them better than any other person in their lives (not being cocky, but that is one feeling mine WOULD talk about) and they still feel the need to "throw us away". It sucks. It ESPECIALLY sucks because we KNOW how they feel, and we KNOW what they are giving up in being such jerks, but we can't make them understand....

 

WE CAN'T MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND. So, don't try. See what happens. Don't call. He knows. I'm struggling right now with calling mine b/c the last time we spoke we both said some mean things. It will be counterproductive, so I just need to realize he knows we were both just mad. He knows what he did wrong, just like you do. In the meantime, you should worry more about your own feelings than his. IF you call him, you still might get no response. Then, you'll be mad for sticking your neck out there. He needs to understand for himself why he needs to change. If you contact him, what reason does he have to learn?

[leap83]

Don't bother contacting him. It's not worth your time. Just trust me on this one. It'll make you feel worse because even if he does care, he won't do anything to make it better. He'll still think you're better off without him and he'll still think you 2 shouldn't be together. Let the time pass and see what happens then. I'm sure by then your heads will be clear (at least yours) and you'll know exactly what you want from him. Like this it's like pushing and pulling game. You need to be smart about this.

 

As much as I miss mine, I know I'm better off without him. More time for myself, my friends and my family. More time to not worry about what he might do or might say or will he run away or being scared to say this or that. I never felt safe in my relationship - I always felt like he was pulling away and that pre-occupied my mind. Now, however, I feel more at ease with myself and I managed to forgive everything he's done. So if he called me now, I would be able to talk normally without any emotions attributed to anything he says or does. That's where you need to get to. That's the stage in which you have the power over him and you want to get to that stage.

 

Take it one day at a time. Don't dwell on the things in the past. Concentrate on the now. Now is important - now is the time to turn things around. Now is the time to concentrate on yourself. Now is the time to become strong and to put your head up. Now is the time to be a better person than him. You don't want to fall into his games. You want him to come to you. And eventually they always do. So, take my advice. I know it's hard. I realize. I was messed up a couple of weeks ago but then I realized "why the hell would I put myself in that position?! i'm smarter than this!!!!" and so I picked myself right back up. If I can do it, you can do it.

[ecm]

Leap 83- wooo hooo. I was in a semi-rotten mood before I read your post. Not so much any more. You made me smile. Thanks, yo!

[caramel c]

Ladies we need to stick together and hold out for what we deserve. Anything less is unacceptable. We will not ask for what we want, we will only consider what is presented to us.

 

OK??

[leap83]

ecm: You're very welcome!!!

 

caramel c is right. We deserve so much better and I'm sure there are many decent guys out there who would NEVER treat us like this. We're worth so much more. You've got to do what he doesn't expect and he, for sure, doesn't expect you turning your back and walking away. 'Oh you don't want to be with me?! Perfect. I'm better off without you. In fact, I think I can find better than you.' Walk away, with a realization that you've done everything in your power to help him, but nothing to help you out. And really... who is suffering? YOU are. He's not suffering. He doesn't need your help. He's being selfish. He's being stupid. And by the time he realizes what he lost, you'll be in power to determine whether you want to stay or go. THAT will scare him. THAT will make him want you. Seeing you succeed will drive him mad. Seeing you happy will make him wonder "Why the hell is she happy without me?! What is going on?!" You have the power to change the things right now and stop feeling miserable and depressed. We only live once and if we spend our lives dwelling over some man and feeling down, then we have wasted all of those precious moments of happiness. What would you rather be: happy or miserable?

[LostLozz]

Thanks so much for your comments. You really don't know how much they mean to me right now.

 

Earlier I wrote a huge long post that for some reason I couldn't add and I lost it all. Frustrated with everything and the thought of loosing him was sending me over the edge. I created a text to him "Hi ya, how are you doing?". I added his name and was just about to press send when I stopped and thought...Why am I even bothering. It's not like he couldn't do this to me if he gave a ****! Why am I so upset to not be in contact with him. If he wanted to speak to me then he would be in touch, right???

I deleted the messge and left my phone alone. I can't believe I almost broke 7 days of NC for a guy who can't even be arsed to see how I am doing!

 

Leap83 you are spot on!!! I want to look after him and make him feel better about himself when at the end of the day it was all his doing. I shouldn't take responsibility for failings that I could not forsee. He never told me I was smothering him. I am not a mind reader. I just saw him time and time again put other people and other things in front of me. I was always last on his so called list and I am going to have to just erase him off my list all together.

 

Getting my anger back which is good. I need this to drive me forward. Stuff him and stuff CP's they are all a bunch of cowards that don't know how good they had it!

[georgia girl]

Good job! Stay mad - and most of all, stay determined. Focus on you, you, you. If your ex wants to find you, they know how to do it. If they want to win you back, they know how to do that, too. How do you know? They did it once.

 

No Contact is so, so empowering. Get on with life and return to the land of the living. If someone loves you, they will treat you right and meet your needs. If one simple act of thoughtlessness or neediness makes them bolt, then they are not good to you. I don't expect my BF to put up with me being thoughtless, but he can call me on it - not run away.

 

You must be equals in a relationship. One person having the emotional investment and chasing will never, never, never yield positive results. It just doesn't work. If you are the one who is more emotionally invested and/or pursuing, to me, no contact is all you can do. Because you are not and cannot be equals when you chase. If he/she chases you (when you would have done the same), then you can become equals again.

 

Don't accepts crumbs. News from friends of his, random texts, flirty/sexual comments (I was furious with my ex when he attempted phone sex texts with me - all unresponded to by me) are all just crumbs. Real actions, real words, real meaning lead to reconciliation. All the rest of it is just stringing you along.

[LostLozz]

Georgia Girl I want to be like you. I know that I do have that strength of character to pull it off but I just have a moment of weakness that drags me down again.

 

Reality is, he lost me, he can find me!!

 

Georgia Girl how long was it before your man started working this out in his mind and proving to you all the things you needed for you to be in the equal relationship that you are now?

 

I remember that I used to say to 'K' (my ex), that I couldn't do this on my own and more improtantly, wasn't worth doing on my own. I need to keep remembering that!

[georgia girl]

I know that being strong is tough - I just remembered thinking that I had no other option. I want a good life and therefore, I will not settle. That made it a whole lot easier. My guy also never really went away. He never went more than a day without contacting me while we were broken up and I ignored him the whole time. Each time I ignored him, I realized that he may not try again. However, it really didn't matter. Unless he came back and genuuinely proved it to me, I wasn't about to hop back on any emotional rollercoaster he offered me.

 

He came back to me once and I said no. Nothing had changed. He still wanted to debate our breakup. I wasn't debating. You're either in or out. If you're "unsure," you're out. He who hesitates is lost.

 

After I said no, I think it was his wakeup call. I think he sensed that I was not going to play games, debate the breakup, negotiate a different deal... etc. Either in or out. By that time, I was happy without him so he also knew it didn't much matter to me which way he went.

 

That's when he showed me change. Instead of random texts or arrogantly showing up at my house, he asked to come over and told me he was genuinely sorry. He helped me on a particularly difficult work case and then stepped politely back and didn't ask for anything in return. He opened up to me and talked about things that had led to his decision but also in a way that clearly showed he was thinking about he had overreacted to the stimulus. Then, it started with little steps - going out to dinner, going for a run together, etc. Eventually, the friendship was just there again.

 

I'll point out that we had never allowed each other to treat each other badly and that there was no issues ever regarding fidelity, so some of the other baggage just wasn't there. Also, some things are subtle. But, you can tell when someone is truly making an effort. Don't lie, though, and give him "credit" for making an effort when he's really not. Hold him, yourself and your relationship up to a high standard. That's the only way you can make it.

[angelface78]

Ladies,

 

I hope i am not crashing your thread. I am 3 months NC and having a really hard time. My ex like all of yours was also afraid of commitment. Together 5 years and engaged the last 6 months. I have not called, sent a text emailed or anything at all. I went into NC cold turkey. Its soooo hard ;( I have so many things that i want to tell him, especially since i now know he got himself a little rebound and it hurts like hell!!! Now he has been w her for about a month i know via myspace. He threw it out there to be known so i would contact him but i never did and now it seems thats hes staying with her. Maybe i shouldve called when i first saw this happening. Instead i stayed in NC and now he probably decided to move on. I just feel like im in a nightmare..but i have decided i have to let go. He played with my feelings...you dont give a woman a ring if you know youre not sure you want to get married. I feel like a fool. I lay around the house all day long while he is out with her. I know he is hurting too.. but being with her masks the pain. He is the kind that goes out when he is depressed..hes not gonna mope around the house!! Now i fear he is just going to fall in love with this girl.. who he doesnt even know!! I feel like he is going to stay with her and just forget me ;( 5 years meant nothing to him...he wasted 5 years of my life. Time is very important to women..not that its not to men...but us women want to settle down, have families and the jerks just f*** with us and waste our time. ITS NOT RIGHT!!!