bluesparrow Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I'm 26 years old, I've been married to my husband for 8 years. We've been going through some hard times and I just don't know what to do. What it comes down to is he has lied several times over the years, sometimes huge things, sometimes little things, but I just feel like I can't stand it anymore. I have always been able to forgive, but it feels like something broke inside of me this time, and I can't forgive any more. I love my husband, he is a good man, a great father and provider, but he just can't seem to quit lying. This last time, he swore he would do anything, even seek professional help, but I can't imagine how that would help, he could just lie to a counselor. He has never confessed to anything except what I absolutely caught him with, and I don't believe for a second I have caught him 100% of the time. That "in love" feeling is just gone now, I don't want him to touch me, I haven't even so much as hugged him since I found out a few days ago. Now I'm lost, the last thing I want is a divorce, but I can't imagine going back to normal ever again. I know he is sorry, but I can't believe he won't lie to me again. I guess I need advice on how to find forgiveness.....again.
hopeful1980 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you. This quote is my best advice. Forgive your husband not for him but, for you. Let go of the disappointment and pain and choose to be a happier you. Choose to treat your husband more lovingly even though he doesn't deserve it and you might find he stops lying so much. Show him mercy.
quankanne Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 He has never confessed to anything except what I absolutely caught him with, and I don't believe for a second I have caught him 100% of the time. That "in love" feeling is just gone now, I don't want him to touch me, I haven't even so much as hugged him since I found out a few days ago. it sounds like whatever he lied about has seriously affected the status of your marriage – I'm guessing it's an issue of fidelity – and you're going to have to decide how to best make that relationship work. It might mean leaving the marriage, it might mean staying, but for YOU to stay sane, forgiveness is a must. It doesn't mean that you're setting yourself up again, but rather, keeping yourself from letting that anger and hurt overcome you to a point where you just aren't yourself. I feel for you kiddo *hugs*
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 BTDT - the biggest lies in my x-marriage being his infidelities. But he'd lie about the STUPIDEST stuff. Things I wouldn't have even been upset about. Like he'd embellish on stories. Sometimes he'd do it in front of me to other people - stories about me/us - I was getting so tired of it I told him if he did that in front of me again, I'd call him a liar in front of the people he was trying to "impress" with his stories. I forgave and forgave and forgave. He never could stop. And it was a wound that just never could quite heal. Like somebody taking a razor blade and slicing at the same wound over and over and over. I eventually tired of it. So I don't know how to tell you to forgive one more time. I couldn't. Where you're at - is where I was at when I told him I wanted a divorce.
OpenBook Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Now I'm lost, the last thing I want is a divorce, but I can't imagine going back to normal ever again. I know he is sorry, but I can't believe he won't lie to me again. I guess I need advice on how to find forgiveness.....again. Then redefine a new "normal" for you and your H. Marriages evolve as they go along, they're not static (my understanding of the long-lasting ones, anyway). And if you want to stay married you will have to forgive him, for both your sakes. Otherwise the anger will build up inside you and eat you alive. This does NOT mean you have to accept his lying, however. You and he both need to forge some kind of understanding about this, together. The right solution is TOTALLY up to both of you. Whatever arrangement you work out with him, if it works for both of you then it's the right solution.
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