MistyK Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I have to vent here a moment. As I would expect from having been the OW, fMM's now xW has been in the habit of calling me a skank, wh*re, b*tchface, etc. It has now come to light that she's been deeply involved with a married coworker of hers. So what does that make her? Now apparently she's having this MM over at the house til the wee hours of the morn when the kids are there. Its actually kind of funny because now the kids are rallying to fMM's defense (or at least not feeling forced to mimic her hatefulness anymore), and all her efforts to make the kids refuse to go to his house for visits has backfired because she can't get time alone at her house now to spend with her MM. I'm not thrilled that she's having a hard time, don't get me wrong. I'm just kind of amazed that this woman who for so long has claimed moral superiority on everyone around is now doing exactly what she hates me for. In truth, it makes me kinda sad. Whatever respect people have for her for trying to reconcile her marriage after her xH cheated is now pretty much in the crapper. I'm quite sure she doesn't want to hear from me or anyone else that hooking up with a married guy will probably only bring her misery. And she seems intent on taking her kids on the ride with her. (They know he's married). Upon further thought, I guess I feel partly to blame. I think maybe she's trying to prove her worthiness by "stealing" another woman's H like she perceives I did. She is in therapy, but she's still completely erratic and from the outside, it looks like a total train wreck. Part of me is glad that she's done this - the selfish part that has always struggled with feeling like she was better than me and knowing the community at large feels similarly. But I know that's a sick satisfaction and I worry about the impact I've had on her life. It's tremendous burden of guilt.
NoIDidn't Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 When are you going to stop worrying about this woman? Its not healthy for you. Unfortunately for her, she is doing what is common to a woman who experienced the trauma of her H leaving her for another woman. She is trying to find out if she is worthy enough for another MM to do it for her. Her ego is wounded. Let her lick her wounds. You lick your own and not let her get under your skin. Enjoying this turn of events at her expense will only confirm the community belief of the negative things she says about you. It will be seen as tit for tat. She still has a lot more community sympathy than you do, so don't overplay your hand. Misty, you are a smart and sensitive woman. I don't know why you do this to yourself. Sounds like you are still with him and hoping for "legitimacy". Ignore the naysayers. If you have what you want and he makes you happy, no one else should matter.
Author MistyK Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 NID, I guess I fear that I will never live down what I've done, so I guess I'll gladly take anything that will mitigate it to relieve me of my guilt. Yes, there is a certain part of me that is annoyed that people see our relationship as false, illegitimate, nothing more than affair fog. Poor circumstances- yes, figment of our imagination - no. But more importantly - why do I care what anyone else thinks? I don't know. Why do I? I guess I am not convinced that I am not a terrible person, so I need other people to confirm it for me, or at least not reinforce my fears. Stupid, I know.
PhoenixRise Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Misty Let me say first that NID is right about you not needing to spend your time and energy worrying about the wife. BUT I have to admit, if I were in your shoes deep in my heart (and maybe not so deep) I would be LMAO. Yes the affair hurt her. Yes it hurt her ego and what she is doing now is probaly a reaction to that. But you are responsible for your part of the affair. That Is It. She could have sought therapy. She could have talked to friends and family. She could have used this pain to fuel her personal growth, but she didn't. Instead she chose to inflict that same pain on some other unsuspecting wife. She has to own her choices. This same woman who drove to your house and called you names in front of your children and everybody else is now in her own affair. Unbelievable.
NoIDidn't Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I have to admit, if I were in your shoes deep in my heart (and maybe not so deep) I would be LMAO. Exactly! Me too. Instead of hoping that others see that she is no better than I am (the homewrecker, slut, and whatever else she called you), I would laugh. When others bring it up, I would laugh, say something like "You know, right?" while laughing. Instead of trying to get them to agree with me that she is a hypocrite. I'd leave it implied. She can't claim that she did what she did because of what you did. So allow her to overplay her hand. And laugh about it. Because if you don't, you will get too involved in hoping she is exposed and ridiculed in the same way. The sympathy of others wears unbelievably thin when one continues to try to wallow in yesterdays misfortunes as excuses for bad behavior.
PhoenixRise Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I think the real problem is that you feel horrible about yourself. It is screaming out of nearly every post from you that YOU think you are a terrible person and you are walking around wearing a scarlet letter. It's like you think that before people think anything else about you, they think about the fact that you were involved with a MM. Misty I can tell you that the people who matter don't see you that way. The people who love you, love you....All of you, warts and all.
Author MistyK Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 I think the real problem is that you feel horrible about yourself. It is screaming out of nearly every post from you that YOU think you are a terrible person and you are walking around wearing a scarlet letter. It's like you think that before people think anything else about you, they think about the fact that you were involved with a MM. Misty I can tell you that the people who matter don't see you that way. The people who love you, love you....All of you, warts and all. Yeah, I think you're right. I think my parents maybe did too good of a job of convincing me that I waste oxygen, so I'm always in that mindset. I tend to overlook all the good in my life and focus on the bad. I guess I figure that everyone else does too.
PhoenixRise Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Yeah, I think you're right. I think my parents maybe did too good of a job of convincing me that I waste oxygen, so I'm always in that mindset. I tend to overlook all the good in my life and focus on the bad. I guess I figure that everyone else does too. Wow. I am sorry that your parents made you feel worthless. I am going to suggest to you that you do whatever you need to do to figure this out Misty. You made some bad choices. AND yes, people got hurt. Feeling bad about this means you have a conscience. But letting this color the rest of your life is not healthy. If you need help, get it. But whatever you do, don't drag around the OW title and all the guilt and shame you feel is associated with it for the rest of your life.
NoIDidn't Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Yeah, I think you're right. I think my parents maybe did too good of a job of convincing me that I waste oxygen, so I'm always in that mindset. I tend to overlook all the good in my life and focus on the bad. I guess I figure that everyone else does too. Oh, Misty, I'm sorry you had to experience that. I agree with Pheonix. Don't carry this negativity around with you. Time for you to start a "gratefulness diary" so you can start to deliberately note the positives in your life.
bentnotbroken Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Yeah, I think you're right. I think my parents maybe did too good of a job of convincing me that I waste oxygen, so I'm always in that mindset. I tend to overlook all the good in my life and focus on the bad. I guess I figure that everyone else does too. Your parents are jackazzes.... This disgusts me.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I think my parents maybe did too good of a job of convincing me that I waste oxygen, so I'm always in that mindset. Shame on your parents for doing that to you! Misty, start by forgiving yourself and try to let go.. You can't control what others do and think, what goes on around you.. Focus on those around you who truly care and know you well.. Enjoy the good things in life..Try to not let bad thoughts take over..I know easier said than done.. CBT might help..
fooled once Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 So I take it you went back to him..... again? WHY? Why do you keep doing this to yourself???? And if you aren't with him; why do you care about her and her marriage? Why do you get so involved with her? And remember, you are once again only hearing HIS side of it all, and we know how truthful he has been throughout all this. I am sorry, but I just can't believe you went back to him, or I guess it seems, you never left him to begin with. I wish you luck, but I see nothing but more heartache ahead for you. He seems to have you right back to where it was before....playing you and her off each other.
OWoman Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Misty - my H's xW was also riddled with hypocrisy. Only, in her case, everyone around her - but not her - saw it. People are smart - you don't have to point things out to them. Sooner or later, they'll get it - and, if you don't draw their attention to it, you won't be implicated. Leave her to her own consequences - her life should not distract you from yours. I'm sorry you're feeling worthless. You don't deserve that - cut yourself some slack and stop relying on external validation. If you believe you're worthwhile, and act it, it will show and everyone else will treat you in that way. But if you keep apologising for living, others will start wondering what's wrong with you and looking until they find something. Give yourself a break!
Devil Inside Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Misty...you are not a bad person. You are an intelligent, sensitive, and loving woman. Hold your head up high.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 NID, I guess I fear that I will never live down what I've done, so I guess I'll gladly take anything that will mitigate it to relieve me of my guilt. Yes, there is a certain part of me that is annoyed that people see our relationship as false, illegitimate, nothing more than affair fog. Poor circumstances- yes, figment of our imagination - no. But more importantly - why do I care what anyone else thinks? I don't know. Why do I? I guess I am not convinced that I am not a terrible person, so I need other people to confirm it for me, or at least not reinforce my fears. Stupid, I know. Who cares what other people think? You are the one who sets the tone. If you act like you don't care, people will get over it. Especially since they have new gossip now. You are not a terrible person. You need to come to terms with your R now. Or if you can't, get and stay out of it. There is no need to torture yourself further. You fell in love with someone who was committed to someone else and he divorced her. End of story. It happens everyday, no matter how many people say they never leave. Pull yourself out of the pit and resolve to be happy, no matter what anyone else thinks of you. It's your opinion that matters. GEL
fooled once Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Misty - my H's xW was also riddled with hypocrisy. Only, in her case, everyone around her - but not her - saw it. People are smart - you don't have to point things out to them. Sooner or later, they'll get it - and, if you don't draw their attention to it, you won't be implicated. Leave her to her own consequences - her life should not distract you from yours. I'm sorry you're feeling worthless. You don't deserve that - cut yourself some slack and stop relying on external validation. If you believe you're worthwhile, and act it, it will show and everyone else will treat you in that way. But if you keep apologising for living, others will start wondering what's wrong with you and looking until they find something. Give yourself a break! Excellent advice! And I also agree with Phoenix, I think the real problem is that you feel horrible about yourself. It is screaming out of nearly every post from you that YOU think you are a terrible person and you are walking around wearing a scarlet letter. It's like you think that before people think anything else about you, they think about the fact that you were involved with a MM. Misty I can tell you that the people who matter don't see you that way. The people who love you, love you....All of you, warts and all.
awkward Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Don't worry about what they are saying about you. Don't worry about what they are saying about her. I'm sure if you could do it all over again that you would wait to have a relationship with him until after he was divorced. Unfortunately, you can't rewind your life. You are going to have to live with the fact that SOME people aren't going to accept you or your relationship. If you can't, then end the relationship. Is he worth it? Does he love you enough to make it all worth it? If it's not worth it then move on. If it's worth it, then do your best to ignore hurtful comments and live your life happily with the man you love. I wouldn't LMAO at her because she is now having an affair with a MM. I would feel sad for her or try to feel nothing at all.
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