when does the pain go away? i cant stop. doing the wrong things!

[anne1]

Listen lovely, you did it again,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you say he wouldn't have held you for an hour if he didnt want you. Of course he wants you, he is confused and because you are allowing him to have his cake and eat it he will keep treating you like this. You have to show him that he must respect you.

 

Ok, if he gets what he wants from you and does what he wants why should he stop

 

If he stops getting what he wants he will have to make a choice and an effort. I agree no man would hold you for a length of time and not want you in his arms. I know its hard, learn from one who kept going back, kept sleeping with him, was a doormat. I havent heard from him for two whole weeks and even then i broke NC. I wish i had done it differently, its too late for me he knows i am a doormat and has no respect for me, dont make the same mistake.

[ecm]

Casey- By "it" do you mean "IT"? Argh! I know, I KNOW it is so hard not to give in, but every time you do, you are prolonging the ending you're hoping for. LIKE ME, you need to think less about "instant gratification". It sucks, sucks, sucks. I know. It hurts. But, think of the end result! You want him back and BETTER than before. Right now, you are not teaching him ANYTHING except for where to go when he "wants some"

 

Now here's why you REALLY hooked up with him & so don't try to deny it. I'm not a mind reader, but I'm guessing the monologue in your head went a little something like this "Oh, yeah, b*tch? You think he's your man? I'll show you whose man he is! <insert bed sqeaking here> how do you like me now, B*TCH?!"

 

Seriously, you are better than that. She sounds like she is trying to put him on a leash. She'll be history soon. I do believe if you read some of our past advice, we predicted/ said most of what was in that text. (Except I thought she represented "freedom" to him- boy was I wrong- or else boy-was she fast to show her true colors. )

 

She sounds like trash. Be thrilled that he picked such a low life to use. At least you don't have to worry that she has something on you. BE S-M-A-R-T! Gotta run, I have a gig tonight. TTYsoon.

 

Hi Anne.

[caseymw25]

i know anne your right but i just dont want him to run off and get if from somewhere else when i know and i know he knows that we will be back together again one day, have more kids one day and be married. he wants all that but not now. he did get really confused and then just ended it/not ended it. like that text that my friend sent me. He told his best friend all that. and im happy that he still feels this way. and maybe just maybe. i have to go to his brothers wedding on the 24th he is the best man and i will be helping our son stroll LOL down the isle as a ring bearer. so maybe i duno that would snap him into some other mode. show him that we can be back together. i have always done what he has wanted most of the time in these past 6 years. and he has for me. and it really kinda seems like nothing has changed this past week anyways since the 2 month breakup. except no i love you and no kiss. i think a big part of him wants to be back together and apart of him pulls him away because he thinks if he does that its back to arguing and whatever else that happened. hes emotionally scared. he was scarred before i got with him so i can understand. but he sees that im different from the other one who just took off with his child. so he has faith in us. but i see where hes coming from in a way like he feels he needs to focus on only himself right now and of course our child. to better himself so he can actually get a good job and make us a home. something i was doing for the past 6 years. its just sooo mixed up. we had alot of issues before he broke up with me. i think we are slowly bettering things but if he moves out ill be stunned. wont know what comes next.

[caseymw25]

haha ecm your so funny!! insert bed squeaking here! LMAO. well i wasnt thinking of that at the time. but im sure it was in the back of my head somewhere. i know i shouldnt its just hard as hell. becuase i still feel like were together. i cant see it not being "casey and JC" thats how its been for years!! it damn well better be back that way to!!! i know i just gotta put some tough love on myself. and your right that girl is trash. ridiculous. i think she is very manipulative. other wise why would he call her when he was??? why would you call a girl who threatend to put your truck on cinder blocks?!!!! she told me one day that i had talked to her on the phone that she had told him "well once you get with me or talk to me you will be hooked" WTF!? can we say big ass ego!!!

[anne1]

If he is enjoying his bit of rough it isnt showing cos he is still coming back to you. If she is so fresh and so hot why is he coming back to you? If you turn him down and he has to choose what is the worst that can happen

If she is as rough as she sounds be careful you dont catch something

 

Hi ECM you are sooo funny ( bed squeeking) LoL

[caseymw25]

True if i do turn him down he would have to choose and i know him and his choice would be neither. no relationship right now. and if i put my foot down then whats it to the next tramp that runs to him and throws herself on him like this girl did. more drama. or him being very mixed up and confused in the head. i told him i thought what he did was a mistake but he made the decision. i know he knows his boundaries but i had to tell him the other day that if you have sex with a woman she will be emotionally connected to you. like if he did have sex with this girl. dont think so. but if so theres that chemical seratonin that is released whenever you hookup with a guy, i think its seratonin. anyways. and she wants him bad. i dont know about now since i cant see the bills anymore but he seems more at home with me. but still keeping his distance. were just to close even from the very beginning i just dont see us being "not together" and i dont think this would go on for ever, if it did i would drop it cause he knows and i know that we want an actual life together. he feels we just cant have all that at the moment because of the whole situation at hand and what has happend in the past.

 

 

im sorry but i just think its fing hilarious when she txted me that one time and said "he wants me bitch so stare at what you cant have" LMFAO!!

 

yeah she showed her true colors alright. shes a nut case!

[ecm]

One my friends once asked me this: (and I believe I've used it somewhere on anoher post) What do you appreciate more: a purse from Wal-mart...that you can afford any day of the week? Or teh fabulous new Gucci you've been eyeing...that you know you'll have to work hard to get? Ok, maybe you don't have a gucci obsession like I do, but I hope you get the point. If he can have it at any time, he won't appreciate it. Make him work for it a little bit. He'll respect you more and it's the only way you are going to get a different result out of it.

[caseymw25]

yeah i kinda noticed that last night. we didnt do anything but he came over to sit with me. i dont want to be his doormat, but i dont want him running off to some other woman for anything either. im just confused about all the sudden why he wants to see me everyday this week? and call me and actually talk to me. like i had just got off work last night and he txted me something stupid that freaked me out so i called him and he said he was just playing with me i think he did that as an excuse for me to call him. then i got home and he called me and we talked for a little then he shows up. hmmm. i just think its so stupid if its going to be like this why not be together? i mean he can still prove to him self that he can make it on his own with me still by his side. thats a dumb reason to push me out of the picture. im so frusterated.

[ecm]

yeah i kinda noticed that last night. we didnt do anything but he came over to sit with me. i dont want to be his doormat, but i dont want him running off to some other woman for anything either. im just confused about all the sudden why he wants to see me everyday this week? and call me and actually talk to me. like i had just got off work last night and he txted me something stupid that freaked me out so i called him and he said he was just playing with me i think he did that as an excuse for me to call him. then i got home and he called me and we talked for a little then he shows up. hmmm. i just think its so stupid if its going to be like this why not be together? i mean he can still prove to him self that he can make it on his own with me still by his side. thats a dumb reason to push me out of the picture. im so frusterated.

 

I'm not a big fan of ultimatums, so my suggestion to you would be to just pull back and "show him" he can't have both. Then, when he says he wants back in, you have the talk about expectations, boundaries, etc. He will continue this half assed behavior as long as you let him.

[caseymw25]

Im just going to make this my journal now to see my horrible progress in this breakup. so anyways i came over to his house last night (booty call) regretted it after wards because i felt so sad. didnt show my emotion. but then went home, he called me to make sure i had made it home ok. feel free to chime in. my plan is to not call him today at all!!!!!!!! no contact and see what happens.

[anne1]

do not beat yourself up. I did it for weeks, you always think it will get better he will realise what a mistake etc etc

 

It wont you have to trust me. dont make the mistakes i made

 

keep your chin up and say to yourself that you have to wait for him to come to you and only meet when you cant fall into bed or wherever you fall.

 

If someone told you that they knew that if you contacted him it would be chasing him and he would run away faster what would you do? thats what you are doing and he is running his little legs off. Stop chasing and see what happens

[caseymw25]

i am. its been so damn hard because he was my best friend. now im so lost! my self esteem is at a ALL TIME LOW and i feel crappy. i have to continue to see him for our child but i enjoy spending time with him. im not going to call tonight. but if he does then what? and if he doesnt i know i will cry my eyes out and know he really is not in love with me and is just stringing me along for god knows what. i dont want to move on knowing this is over? how could he do this to us?! i asked him to work on it. he concidered it for a second then next thing you know he says no. i dont understand its got to be this girl!

 

i hate to say this but do you think his brothers wedding will change his mind? make him think a little bit about us? since im strolling our son down the isle?

 

and why do you tell someone "unfortunatley i am in love with you"? that seems like a lie to me? what do you think?

[anne1]

If he doesnt call its not cos he doesnt love you. Its him taking that space and hopefully going to bed alone thinking he has missed you cos he hasnt spoken to you. Thinking you are getting on with your life and that you are a strong independent woman and if he doesnt pull his socks up you might find someone new.

 

if you do call he knows you are on the end of the string and he wont worry about losing you and may find it bothers him that you have invaded his so called space by calling.

 

Keep that head up girl, it really is not you, it really is him

[caseymw25]

i know its him, yesterday i had to stay over there the whole day b/c my mom has the swine flu so i dont want my son at the house and i didnt want to be over there and get it so i stayed at his house, i had no where else to take our son. i was there at 9 am, he woke up about 2:30 in the afternoon. we played with our son for a little while, what was wierd to me is he layed his head in my lap, asked me to walk on his back. like the usual. then he went outside with his friend down the street for like an hr. finally later that night i wanted to leave cause i was hungry, well i guess so was he, so he wanted to ride with me. we had small conversation i then asked if he still loved me and he said yes and smiled. i said i think i know what you do and it yes it does bother me but i know i need to worry about myself, he agreed thats what he and i needed to focus on right now is ourselfs. and i said i know we will be together again one day, NO RESPONSE! it kills me!!!!! i then left after he gave me a half hug again. ugh! i hate what i do.

[caseymw25]

ok so i spent basically 3 days with him and our son. because i didnt want my son getting sick. i slept with him in the same bed. no problem with him putting his arm around me or the other way. we had a convo one night talking about how he just needs to be on his own right now, and i said basically that i was gonna be there for him and show him i dont want anyone else. we actually talked about in a few years having one more child. so does that signal that he WILL come back one day? he knows he has me, i feel like im in a one way relationship because i will NOT let go. he doesnt mind me being there sometimes he can get snappy i dunno. i asked him again saturday if he was still in love with me he right off said NO then said yes. ugh i never know what to believe anymore. after i came home last night i had my 3rd major panic attack again. im in crazy mode!!! If your not in love with someone after 6 years would you still sleep with them in the same bed (a twin size one)!!! when there is a couch bed out in the den? what do you think?

[caseymw25]

ok so he came by yesterday watched the game with me we i think enjoyed each others company, i asked him to spend the night but he said he wouldnt because he wouldnt wake up in the morning, gave me a long hug. and said goodbye.

 

today he didnt call me at all im going crazy!! why play with my head like this???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

but i did send him a text today saying...... " the best thing about loving and being hurt is that you get to know what true love really is. for as gold is tested in fire, and so will love be perfected in pain."

 

i then txted.... thought this was an awesome quote figured i share.

 

he responded.... thanks.

 

was that bad that i sent that? i shouldnt have sent it!!!!!!!!

[caseymw25]

ok so i just texted night. no response. sooooo ok . hes not at home. i call no answer. then i txt. yeah. he calls. says hes at his friends house. i think hes lying because if that was the case why couldnt he have txted night back. then i call again, no answer. i txt this is ***d up BS!!!! cause he said i was being ridiculous cause i asked why he didnt respond to my good night txt. he always does. he called back and i cried says i made it this way and that i ripped his heart out in the end. now its my fault its this way. i asked if he still talks to that girl he says yeah when he wants to. i asked if he was having sex with her he said no. what ever. i think thats where he was. i dunno. he was alone so he had to be. hes always with his friends. im back at square one again. GOD WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????

[ecm]

You seem to be doing everything you know you shouldn't be doing

 

Do you like the result? Do you like the way you feel right now? NO? Then, hange what you are doing. Look at the advice you've been given...see what you're doing wrong... and FIX it before it's too late, girl xo

[PinkToes]

You seem to be doing everything you know you shouldn't be doing

 

Do you like the result? Do you like the way you feel right now? NO? Then, hange what you are doing. Look at the advice you've been given...see what you're doing wrong... and FIX it before it's too late, girl xo

 

Casey, please listen to what these people are saying, they have been there too. What is causing you pain is not him, but your actions. You know that. It sounds like he is perfectly content with the way things are. So he has no reason to change his behavior. Sure, he has feelings for you. But he's in no hurry to change the status quo. Why should he be?

 

If you were perfectly happy with a relationship, would you try to change the situation? Probably not. The only reason he would have for changing the way he's behaving with you is if that were the ONLY way for him to get what he wants. Everything he's doing now -- everything you hate -- is getting him exactly what he wants. Sex on demand, a woman who he knows will always be there for him, someone he can treat like s**t when he feels like it. This is working for him just fine.

 

And that would be alright, if it were OK for you, too. But it isn't. And because you want more from him, you get stuck having to try to figure out what he's thinking, feeling, wanting, and needing, and looking for clues in everything he says & does. No wonder you're having panic attacks!

 

If you want him to change what he's giving, you need to change what he's getting. You know that sleeping with him is a really bad idea, because it always feels worse afterward, and it still doesn't bring him home. But the absolute WORST reason to have sex with him is to keep him from going elsewhere. You don't need to compete with another woman -- ever -- and your body is not a tool.

 

Stay strong. Even when you feel weak and scared, take a deep breath and relax. Be patient. Expect nothing. And treat yourself with the respect you deserve. Believe me, he will notice.

[caseymw25]

i know i know, i talked to him last night again after i typed that, he said i have two options i can either wait for him, or just go on with my life and not talk to him. i told him i would wait. he said that this is where we are at right now after all this crap that happend so now im to blame again?! i asked if he still talks to that girl and he said yes when ever he wants! i got so upset. he hates it when i cry kept on telling me to stop. he said whenever hes ready again to give a woman his all that i will be the one his words were "you are definatley the one i would get back into a relationship with" and promised me this. im just going to step back and let it take its course and wait because i thought he wasnt talking to her anymore concidering all the time we spent together this past week and half. but apparently i was VERY wrong. i told him to stop thinking with his dick and think with his head. because you can get herpes from getting your D sucked. and stds and blah blah. i just dont want him to make a mistake if and when he does come back. we have a son!!! what i dont understand is he kept on saying " i dont mean to be rude but you can do what makes you happy" what? i said you make me happy. he said then focus on that. and cherish the time that we spend together. but for now we are not in a relationship.

 

im back where i started. ill just stand back.

[ecm]

Ok, Ms. Lady- you need to step it up. I think it's time to tell him to f*ck himself...in a sneaker, more lady-like fashion.

 

Why is he doing this? Because you are giving him exactly what he wants.

 

Analogies are helpful to me. As a teacher, I often use them to try to get my point across. I'm not a parent, but I am a teacher and have dealt with many situations. (I'm on a quick break so this might be choppy)

 

example #1) a baby cries. someone ALWAYS picks him up. he knows all he has to do is cry when he wants to get picked up. Who do you think is better behaved? A baby whose parents always pick him up or the baby who knows he's NOT going to get what he wants b/c his parents LET him cry.

 

example #2) 2 teachers tell their students, "if you have 3 bad days before the class party, field trip, etc, you won't get to go". Some of them have five, and one teacher let's them go anyway. The other one makes them stay back at school. Which teacher has a better class?

 

You need to tell him that you are not willing to wait...EVEN THOUGH YOU VERY WELL MAY BE. AND, when he "tests" you, you need to stick to it. You can talk a mean game & fail miserably when he calls you, trying to lure you in to see if you're stilll there. then, he'll know he has you.

 

TELL HIM YOU ARE DONE. TELL HIM TO GO PLAY HIDE THE SALAMI WITH THAT TRASH. But then, you need to let him go....for a minute, or two minutes, or even a month. And you need to cross those legs when he comes over looking all cute. When he comes to see your baby, have your mom be there. He won't like that you are letting him go. He will be wondering wtf is going on. It's time. Be strong. Be a B*TCH. Nobody respects a door mat. Nobody works hard for something they know they can get. Do you want him to f*ck you or do you want him to respect you? OR, how about his? BOTH! So, look at the title of your post and DO something about it. I need to lose weight. I KNOW what I need to do to lose weight. It's my own fault that I have all of the information I need to succeed and I sprint by the mirror int eh morning so I don't have to see my own reflection in the morning. I hate to say it to you, but it's the same thing. If you don't like your situation, stop sabotoging it in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY YOU can.

 

Seriously.

[ecm]

oops- sneakIEr

[anne1]

I agree with everything ecm said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, she is spot on

[anne1]

OK you have not listened to any of the advice you have been given at all. Maybe this one will kick u up the butt and make you realise exactly what you are doing..........i.e self destructing

 

If you continue to let him treat you like this, if you keep letting him know you are there whenever he wants you, if you let him know he can have you back whenever he wants you ================= you lose him and your self respect

 

If this goes on he will class you as one of his girls, he will have no respect for you at all, he will think you are just like all the other girls willing to spread their legs and cuddle up to him when he clicks his fingers. Make you different and if that doesnt work nothing will and you will stop destroying yourself and have some respect for you and your child,

 

Wake up lady, read your own posts and see how this twat is treating you

[ecm]

Anne- did you just say "twat"?! OMG, LOL. I saw Monty Python's Spamalot a few years ago and they used it, too. I almost died. I sear I laughed for like ten minutes in the theatre afterwards. I think we use the word differently here. Still, hilarious. Casey- that's what he is. Why do you think people give you the advice we do? Because we've dealt with the same situations. I'm still trying to get over mine to this day. ok, so maybe it's only been a little over a month but even still.... don't let yourself fall into the trap. We are trying to save you the misery. Let him think he lost you. Just try it.