Gave 2nd chance, is he sorry enough?

[Phedre]

Hello All - long time troller, first time poster

 

I could write pages and pages detailing all of the ups and downs of my 2.5 year marraige (no children) to my H but it is mostly the same ole same ole got caught cheating (EA via internet but STILL cheating to me I don't care if other people view it differently) said he would do anything, then proceded to not stick to those words, got to the point where we were going to D (the lead up to the D consisted of his spending 4,500 at a strip club and no that isn't a typo and meeting a girl at a bar getting her number and meeting her again which I call a date, not wearing is ring), amicably becuase we both love each other but know love isn't 'enough' to have a happy healthy marriage, but on the day we were meeting to establish some guidelines he asks for another chance if I can just let go of the past and I stupidly and foolishly said I could let go of the past and give us a clean slate. Hey but guess what, I can't. I can't help but be more prone to suspicion that I was prior to being cheated on and that makes him feel like I am 'throwing the past in his face.' We are going to MC when he gets here (he is active duty military and I moved to our new duty station/hometown already during our separation and didn't move back 2 weeks ago when we reconciled) in a few weeks. I'm torn becuase half of me thinks 'what is there left to try to fix?' but the other half of me loves this man despite everything and I took my marriage vows very seriously even if he didn't and feel that without MC I can't truly say I 'did all I could'... agh, I ramble. What my question really is about is when you are given a second, of in this case fourth chance, to fix things how do you feel toward your spouse? Thankful? Appreciative? My husband doesn't show any of these things, for example his lack of understanding when I get upset about something more than I would normally because of our past. If the shoe were on the other foot I would be so thankful for another chance I would be bending over backwards to make him feel as comfortable, reassured and loved as I could. But then I wonder, am I just wanting power over him? I don't feel that I am, but he seems to think I want him to 'tuck his tail and hang his head' and I have tried telling him there is a big area inbetween 'tucking tail' and arguing his points where he could try to work with me. He says he doesn't want it to feel like I have 'done him a favor' by reconciling, but um, I DO feel like I have done him a favor. I don't expect or want my ass kissed, but for some reason his lack of visible appreciation it makes me question how remorsful he really feels about what he did, or that he doesn't understand the magnitude of his actions, it makes me qustion his sincerity.

 

Please help me if you have anything to say.. be it that I am stupid or whatever, I want to hear it all. I don't feel like I am trying to be in 'control' of him or anything to do with power, but am I just blind to how I am coming across?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

That wall of text might be deterring people from responding. Just a thought.

[Phedre]

Grr, can't find where to edit my post so I can throw some paragraphs in there. lol thanks for the tip

[logitech]

The edit button that is at the bottom of the post (between alert us and quote).

[Phedre]

I see the button that has edit on it in big letters on my reply to my thread... but I don't see any similar logically located button for the thread. Failing marriage, failing at foruming woes me

[daphne]

Phedre,

 

It sounds like a reasonable request that he show some remorse. I think that's what's bugging you most. You aren't really getting it. In my opinion, that basically is saying he doesn't really get that what he did was wrong and is more than likely prone to do it again. In order for someone to right a wrong they have to own the mistake and commit to not making the same one. Not tell you to move on and forget it because it's easiest for him.

 

My ex came back and tried this tactic. Twice. It didn't work either time because I knew in my heart that he hadn't changed. I'm not projecting what mine did on yours, however the language and attitude are the same. I won't say that once a cheater always a cheater, but I think most of the time the saying really does hold up.

[Phedre]

Thanks Daphne, you hit the nail on the head.

 

though my issue stated above doesn't matter any more because as of last night we are getting a D. IMO he should be willing to do whatever I need him to do until I feel comfortable/trusting again and no, I can not give a timeline for that recovery and in his opinion i want him to tuck tail and never allow him an opinon on anything since he 'messed up' and he isn't willing to change whatever I need changed for a long amount of time (though if I could assure him it would be less than a year he would committ to changing).

 

The decision point for me was that he isn't willing to stop drinking (he had an EA and is overly flirty and wants validation from other women and these issues are only made worse when he is drinking and he appears incapable of having just a few drinks) while we get our marriage on track and I told him, again, that if he can't 'just stop drinking' then he is an alcoholic and we need to get him help for that and if he won't stop drinking well then that is a problem for me that he won't put a pause on the partying and work on his marriage. He feels I make too much out of his drinking and no, he isn't willing to change becuase he is only 24 and should be able to have fun... while at the same time telling me he is ready to start a family with me? Riiiight.

 

Trouble is I do believe that he loves me with all his heart, even if it doesn't translate how I think it should and I know I love him so much it is making this decision, albeit mine the hardest thing I have ever done. I am constantly fighting myself to not pick up the phone and call just so I can hear his voice. I want so much to call and say 'nvm, drink all you want. we will just wait till you grow up for us to enter the next phase of our marraige. just let's be together.' I feel doubt when I think what exactly am I trading my marriage in for by getting a divorce.. but I know it is for the idea that I can have a spouse who respects me, our marriage, himself, is loyal, trustworthy, devoted and ideally in the 'same place' as me. At least that is what I tell myself in between heart wrenching bouts of uncontrollable sobbing where I feel like I would rather die than feel this pain for one moment longer. This. sucks. 'My Choice' I know, but it still sucks.

[Logik]

All I can tell you is that if my wife gave me a second chance, I would show her how grateful I would be for that chance. People are different. Can't always tell what's going on in their heads. If he's thinking that showing appreciation means tucking in his tail, then he has a lot to learn. What's going on in your relationship at the moment should kick him into gear very quickly, and if not, too bad for him.

 

Chemicals, hormones and electrical impulses - we'll never understand them. And remember, even your pillow needs a bit of fluffing up now and then, when it gets lazy!