This is the end

[tryagaintoday]

Hi,

This is another one of those sad, sorry long stories. As I don't have many friends and currently living alone, I am trying to find comfort by writing here.

 

My fiancee (28) and I (28) had broken up recently. She has found another man. We had been together for almost 13 years.

 

4 months ago, I started noticing a difference in her behaviour. All signs point to her seeing somebody else. I told myself, I will give her 3 months to come clean with me. 3 months had just passed and nothing. So I confronted her one morning. Initially she denies cheating, as she said there were no touching, kissing or even dating, just some lunch and dinner - it was a male co-worker. She said she could relate well with him and she was very depressed with her work. I knew that was not all. 1 week passed and I asked if there’s anything else she needs to tell me. She said, “What have you found out?” I was utterly disappointed and replied, “Is there anything that I need to find out?” I guess she felt a bit guilty and confessed to lying that she was out with girlfriends but was instead with him. However, she strongly maintained that she never slept with him – I believe this.

 

She said she needed sometime to think things through and another week passed, she told me she is ready and we meet up. It was a break-up dinner. I must honestly say that I tried everything I could to give this relationship a 2nd chance. But she had made her final decision and there is nothing else I can do but respect her and accept it.

 

Now I must provide some details on her “cheating” events and the male co-worker. He would often buy her food and snacks during work, chat with her, email, text and take her out for lunch and dinner. This man is 33 years old and used to have a girlfriend – don’t think he has one now. I sincerely hope that he is the one for him and no hurt/harm will come to my ex as I truly love her. During the past 4 months, I can tell that she is checking up on their compatibility, sending each other “e-cards”. But guys, I need a little opinion on what you think about this man. You know when I first confronted my ex, she tried to break all ties with the man. They went out for dinner, and at the end of the dinner, she told him that she wants to stop all these things with him. He went all sad and said “You know, if next time you are sad or feeling down and need to talk to someone, talk to your fiancé, talk to your family, for I will not be here anymore.” Then after she went home, he called her and confessed his love for her. And my ex also said that she like him.

 

On my end, I admit that I must share a lot of responsibilities for such a conclusion. For 13 years, I know she had loved me and put in a lot of effort but I guess she became weary and tired. I am very disappointed in myself for not putting in enough effort. I lost the initial energy. For a long time, I didn’t go shopping with her, plan any trip with her, and our time together just became a very routine thing. It was boring I supposed.

 

However, I must say that everything happened for a reason and I am glad this event took place. I must say that I am trying all I can to change, to give myself a chance to be a better person, and be completely fair for the next someone special – if it ever happens. Truly, during the routine time I was with her, I shunned away a lot of things: my family, my pals. Now I am glad because, yes, I had lost her but I had found back so many friends. I started hanging out with my pals again: Chatting, drinking and just laze around talking nonsense. But the thing is that, sometimes, when I am alone, my heart still hurts and I felt very lonely – as of this moment I am feeling this way in fact.

 

I guess I am not looking for specific answers or something; just wanted to let something out by putting it here. Thanks for reading and I wish happiness to everyone in this forum.

[Bryanp]

I think you will be fine. It is difficult after 13 years. By the way I seriously doubt a woman is going to throw away a 13 years relationship for another man without being intimate with him first. My guess is that she probably wanted to get married and simply gave up with you.

[Miad's Princess]

I am sorry you are going through pain, 13 years is a long time.

 

You deserve better and I hope in time you find your special someone.

 

P.s Welcome to the forum and remember you can come here anytime to just vent or whatever you need

[clean_slate]

He would often buy her food and snacks during work, chat with her, email, text and take her out for lunch and dinner. This man is 33 years old

 

Wow, I just had a moment. That brings me back to the emotional affair my girlfriend had with a guy at work over a year ago. He played online games with her and did all the other things you mentioned, possibly besides dinner. I think dinner only happened once. But he was/is married with a baby.

 

I am sorry about your breakup and I understand how it feels. It's awful, but it will improve, albeit slowly. Actually, I can't say I'm 100% over what my girlfriend did to me, and I know that I will always have less than perfect trust.

 

As far as your question, it's hard to judge a person by a third-party's description on the internet. However, my belief is that anyone scummy enough to knowingly chase after/flirt/date a person who is in a committed relationship isn't a "good" human being, no matter what else they do. It's just wrong. I think, from what you've said, this guy is a sleazy used car salesman. He confessed his "love" to her? And she admitted feelings?

 

Thirteen years is a long time. My longest relationship is two and a half years (I'm 25). I understand you want to grow and improve yourself, but I don't think you should be placing blame on your own shoulders. Your fiancee is to blame. She cheated on you. Whether it was simply emotional or not doesn't matter. She confided in another man while she was engaged to you, and she went on dates with him. Dinner with the opposite sex is a date. Relationships always get a bit boring. Heck, life is pretty boring and mundane most of the time. It's just how things are.

 

And besides, take it from me, my relationship had plenty of romance and excitement when her emotional affair happened. I think she simply can't be with one guy for too long without wanting new attention.

 

I wish you luck for the future and hope you find someone who is fully devoted to you. In case you don't know, there's a decent chance your ex-fiancee will coming running back. Like I said, I wish you luck.

[tryagaintoday]

Thanks for these replies. I am glad that I had found this place.

 

Bryanp, thanks and yes I think I'll be fine as well. About the intimacy part, well she made it very clear that she did not. So if she is still lying till this day, then it says alot about her. On marriage, we initially planned to do it this Dec, but due to work commitment, we postponed it to next year.

 

Miad's Princess, thanks. I'd found this place just a couple of days ago and finally decided to post. Like my screen name, I'm going to try again. And here's hoping that with some luck and having a little bit of fate, I can find that someone special and this time, I am going to treasure.

 

clean_slate, thank you for your reply. Ha ha, I like the term "sleazy used-car salesman". Yup, don't think that he is a good person. A very smart person I guess - He "attacked" when she is most vulnerable.

You know I'd said to her before that "if he had told you 'Go talk to your boyfriend, go talk to your family' right from the start, this is truly the nicest person one can ever find. So please go to him, you had found the one."

But no, he had to "threaten" her by saying these when she tried to end it. He go with the "nothing-to-lose but everything-to-gain" mentality by quickly confessing there after.

On responsibility, I feel that both of us need to share some of it. Due to my lack of efforts, I had "push" her away. Well, these are all learning points. I had learned and am committed to myself to let it serve as a reminder to always better myself.

On her running back to me, I guess I'll just have to let things come naturally. If I had moved on, I will surely be fair to my current one. Whatever I do, I must make sure that I treat the new love of my life with fairness.

 

Once again, thank you all for replying. I am loving it and am feeling better all the time - albeit slowly! Have a nice day ahead.