cheating boyfriend?

[stacy_21]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years.

A few months into the relationship i found out he had been flirting with a girl that he worked with, i forgave him.

About 4 months ago i found out, once again, a girl at his work liked him.

He never told me this, i found out through a mutual friend, he said nothing wen't on and he didn't even know until a fellow work mate told him.

Around that time i found blonde hairs in his car and one on his work shirt, I do not have blonde hair nor do my friends but funny enough the girl that likes him does.

Where he works he is around people, he used this an excuse "i could of sat down on a chair and it got stuck to me, then fell in the car when i got in"

writting this now i am shaking my head for beleiving this in the first place

they say you should always go with you're gut feeling and boy do i have one!

what are you're thoughts on this? am i just being crazy or is there something going on!!

[carhill]

What's with all these women shedding hair? Only place my wife left hair was in the bathroom sink and occasionally in my food

 

Seriously, ask him a direct question "Are you having sex with that women?" Listen.

 

Act.

 

IME, my instincts have very, very rarely been wrong. YMMV

[stacy_21]

I have asked, he said no.

then he used that stupid excuse to where the hair came from.

I just don't no what to beleive...

He said he didn't wan't to tell me about the girl that liked him coz he thought i would get mad - i got mad BECAUSE he did not tell me..

He has flirted once like i said, i forgave him.. his excuse what he was all of a sudden getting attention but he learnt from that and that he loves me and wouldn't do it again...

but i guess like you.. my instincts have never been wrong..

[samsungxoxo]

Flirting is not cheating, I see nothing wrong with joking around. He didn't slept with nor kiss another woman. My guess is you're a jealous type that seems something small as a great snowball.

 

As for the hair on the car, just ask him about it in a calm manner. If you ballistic on him, he will just dump you on the spot. And it is say your guy instinct many times tells you something but who knows, it can be wrong too at times...

[stace79]

Well, I can be a bit jealous and neurotic occasionally, but I have never searched my fiance's car for hairs. That is a bit extreme. I think you're going overboard.

 

Unless you have other, more concrete reasons to suspect him or mistrust him, I think you're going overboard.

[norajane]

I just don't no what to beleive...

 

Yes you do. You just don't want to believe it. But, you know.

[samsungxoxo]

Well, I can be a bit jealous and neurotic occasionally, but I have never searched my fiance's car for hairs. That is a bit extreme. I think you're going overboard.

 

Unless you have other, more concrete reasons to suspect him or mistrust him, I think you're going overboard.

I would just ask him about it and wait for his explanation, then leave it at that. If your gut instinct was right and he does cheats or attempts to then all you have to do is dump him.

Neurotic?? Have you been cheated on before? If that's the case, I can see where you're coming from.

Didn't intented to be harsh before, if so sorry. Just that I seen many people making a big deal out of things that are relatively insignificant. One extreme case was about a woman stating her husband cheated because he sees porn or a girl freaking out if her man looks at other women. Those are annoying as hell. If my brother was with woman like that, I would advice him to dump her fast and move on to a more open-minded one....

[stacy_21]

i did NOT search his car in the intention of finding something, i seen it! so i don't know why you would say something like that.

And how am i the "jealous type"? honestly.. wtf?! i'm jealous because i have found unknown hairs in my boyfriend of 2 years car.. i am no where near jealous, try heart broken and confussed..

i came here searching for some answers because i can't even get them out of him, but all i got were people telling me that i am a "jealous type" and going "overboard"..

[EarthGirl]

yeah, I don't know if you ever watch CSI or anything, but I would not say this is "conclusive evidence"...I mean I think it is true that particles, and hairs and such can get stuck to surface like fabric on furniture and then get stuck to clothing, and then from clothing, to something else, you never know where things will end up...it's called "transfer" or something, isn't it? yeah you can tell I am a fan....or if you've ever watched a sitcom where the man comes home with lipstick on his collar and the wife freaks out but doesn't ask him or let him know what she is thinking and tries to do her own investigation and it turns out his little niece was just playing dress up, gave him a hug goodbye and got some lipstick on his collar....I am not quoting a specific show, I can't recall one but I just recall I think I have seen several back in the day that had somewhat of a similar storyline....Of course the wife/girlfriend always embarrasses herself horribly (in a hilarious way of course) for nothing before the truth finally comes out at the end of the episode.

 

All I am saying is that I would not say this is a definite thing at this point, BUT if your gut is telling you that something is wrong...I don't think you should necessarily just let it go either, but keep your eye out and talk to him one more time and be really direct and make sure you can look him in the eye and you can tell he is being honest. But don't scare him TOO much or threaten leave BEFORE you get his answer, because he is more likely to lie then. I would not say talking to him a second time makes you a crazy jealous paranoid girlfriend...if you do it over and over and over again in a short time frame, OR do it occasionally for a very long period of time, then I would say you are either paranoid and overly jealous or he is really cheating and your instincts are telling the truth and you just don't have proof...But in either of those cases it's probably time for you two to take a break from eachother. Hope it does not get to that point.

 

Good luck.

[stacy_21]

Yes i agree with everything you said, I did tell him directly today obviously he denied it all and we had a huge fight and nearly broke up.. I think i have this image in my head how i think he should react, people react differently i suppose.. i have been cheated on before with my last boyfriend ( i have only ever had 2 boyfriends) and he kept denying it to my face until i actually got solid proof.. that was text messaging and people telling me.. then he left me for the girl he was cheating on me with.

I don't wan't to chuck away 2 years, the whole thing is just doing my head in!

The girl that liked him had blonde hair..

and obviously the hair i am talking about was blonde..

But then like you said, hairs ect turn up everywhere and anywhere and he does work around people all day long.

We spoke about it today like i said, well fought about it.. and i guess if he really didn't love me and was over me accusing him of this he would broken up with me..

I guess i'll find out if he is cheating on me in time

Or maybe he never was and we'll just go on living our lives..

Thankyou for you're help.

[EarthGirl]

you're welcome. I think not knowing (about anything important) is one of the very hardest things in life. But I think one way or the other you will find out one way or the other soon...trust your instincts, though you should be careful not to think of him as your previous boyfriend who did lie to your face about cheating...but really trust your instincts either way. If you have that good solid feeling about him and he acts relaxed and attentive to you....then just trust it, and don't torture yourself. But if you feel like he is even too attentive or is acting nervous when you bring certain things up...then you may want to do more investigation.

 

One thing I've learned from this site, is that even though I am not a fan of surveillance, in fact it really upsets me the idea of being watched, and I see celebrities in the tabloids and even though they have so many priveledges, being able to do what they love as opposed to lots of people working hard labor or people in cubicles while their dreams waste away (hard work is not a bad thing, even if it is pretty tough sometimes and not that good fun kind of hard work all the time, and sometimes celebrities I think work harder than we think, and hard labor is good for people at certain times in their life if they are healthy)...They have talent, money, ability to travel lots of great places...But every time I see one of those magazines I just feel really awful about it. I mean I am not a papparazzi, I don't even buy them, it's not my fault I know, but I just feel bad as in empathy.

 

Anyway I rambled again..my point was that even though I am not a fan of survelleince I think if you have genuine suspicion your SO may be cheating, it's reasonable to ask around or snoop on the computer or phone logs a little if you can, or go old school and hire a Private I...That one at least is legal isn't it?

 

The thing is if you have a really bad feeling that they are cheating and have absolute no way to know for sure, and you don't want to leave them for something that isn't certain, you cant' live in that kind of black hole of uncertainty forever it'll drive you crazy. I really feel that the thing that makes me the most angry is when some guy lies to me about seeing someone else, it's NOT actually the "seeing" itself. That part HURTS me like hell, but if he had just TOLD me I would not have been angry at all at least. Problem is even if you don't get angry or want to get revenge and they know you wouldn't too if they told you, they also know that you WILL at least withdraw from the relationship, either all at once, or gradually. And they don't want that, so they lie. It's not an honorable behavior exactly but I understand the fear of it.

 

So anyway I think a little investigating is morally ok...but there is a VERY thin line with this and I think some people get kind of addicted to it, like drugs, food, gambling....Love and lust and infatuation and love again..when you really are into someone it's easy to get jealous and worried, and if you find a way to check up on them without them knowing it can become a real crutch that is really hard to let go of...Even though in some ways a continuous violation of their privacy is almost as bad a crime and betrayal of the heart as cheating..and you may even know it but it's an addiction so it's not like you are trying to hurt them or violate them, it just happens. Again, not an honorable behavior but understandable. we all make mistakes like that sometimes.

 

well I've rambled again....sorry...I'm done for now.

[stacy_21]

Thankyou for your advice.

No, I don't wan't to play detective on him.. his phone and email is always open for me to see anyway. He doesn't hide his phone ect or doesn't jump when i go to use it.

I have once searched the computer history but all I found was porn, I never have and never will go crazy about that!

[EarthGirl]

Thankyou for your advice.

No, I don't wan't to play detective on him.. his phone and email is always open for me to see anyway. He doesn't hide his phone ect or doesn't jump when i go to use it.

I have once searched the computer history but all I found was porn, I never have and never will go crazy about that!

 

Good! I don't have a problem with that either, in fact I watch a few minutes of porn now and then, but I don't really get into it, would prefer the real thing with someone I love, or a nice love scene in a good movie. I don't think it's a problem unless a partner is addicted to it, in which case it's something to be worked on supportively, not to shame them about or go crazy jealous about...cause unless they are only watching one porn star all the time, it's obviously the porn itself that they can't stop watching, not any human being to be jealous about. I've never really understood that, girls getting upset about that.

 

I am glad there don't seem to be any other signs of cheating. I hope it works out for you.

[stacy_21]

haha yeah, i don't find anything wrong with it.

Yeah thinking of it now there is no other signs of "cheating" going on.. he hasn't been home late from work and really when would he have the time, we spend every second together when he is not at work.

only if i thought about all of this BEFORE confronting him but i'm a hot head and kept thinking how the hell did it get there in the first place!.. but i guess i'll never know.. and he doesn't know.

I suppose i'll just close the case of the "unknown hair in the car" and move on.

I appreciate the time you have taken to help me out.

[RedDevil66]

I'm not trying to get you worked up or anything, but when my ex of 11 yrs left me he moved out to his own place. I knew he was leaving me for another woman, but 2 weeks after he left, he came back saying he made a HUGE mistake and wants to work it out.

When I was at his new house once, I found a few blonde hairs and my heart started to race. My instinct told me he was still seeing the OW.

He denied until the cows came home

Well, 6 months into us working it out, this girl calls me to tell me my cat (that I share with my bf) ran out of her medication.

I said "What are u doing at his house?"

She said "feeding the cats while he's away?"

Well of course we figure out he was still seeing her and she didn't know he was still seeing me

 

I left him for good that day and should have gone with my instincts on the hair when I found one 5 month prior.

 

Oh and to note, she also found my hair and questioned him

 

another note: this was 9 yrs ago and they are both married and he's still cheating on her. What a great love story huh? Boy did I get lucky losing him!

[stacy_21]

Well that hit hard like a tone of bricks!

This happened like 4 months ago maybe even 5.. and the fact that i am still thinking about it and questioning it is making me think if i should go with my gut feeling.. it's just hard to think that someone you love and have been with for 2 years could do something so hurtful and you beleive their lies when you question them.

We had a fight today and nearly broke up.

I guess what are the odds of a hair turning up in his car the same colour hair of the girl that liked him.

He had at one stage early on in the relationship shattered all of my trust in him, he flirted with a girl at his work, he said he did have a thing for her but he realised he had stronger feelings for me and he was stupid for doing that.

I do consider that cheating but i forgave him.

My trust in him came back and i am honest when i say this we wen't on fell in love and i did not think about it at all.

Until like i said, 4/5 months ago with that girl, i only got mad because he did not tell me! this girl was obsessed yet he couldn't tell me? his excuse was that he thought i would get mad, I got mad because he did not tell me. Maybe there is more to that story.

See now i am going around in circles.. one minute thinking NO he would not do that then YES....

When i thought we were gonna break up today i felt numb.. i love him, but my gut is saying there is more to it..

I did look him in the eye while questioning him but he kept looking away then when i would comment on him doing that he tried really hard and over the top with eye contact.. maybe he was just nervous?

I KNOW you can not have a relationship with out trust i said that too him and he asked if i trusted him i said not one bit then he yelled and told me to pack my bags....

i just don't understand why he wouldn't just beak up with me if he wanted to be with other people!

its all just fcked up!

[bhweller]

you have never totally trusted this guy in your gut and that matters. The gut knows more than the brain, its instinctive. Something is not right about this relationship, you know that, and its just a matter of if he cheated or not.

 

I would like to know if the hair was found in the front passenger seat or not.

 

I would also like to know if he admits to having any women in his car at all and hasn't told you. You need to ask him directly if you haven't already.

 

If the hair was in the passenger side, then it didn't just get on him somehow and get in his car. It means that a woman has almost certainly been in his car and she left some hair behind.

 

I would ask him directly if he has had any women in his car. If he gets mad and yells at you and doesn't answer, it means he knows you are on to him and he is desperate to squirm out of it. Its basically the same thing as saying yes.

 

you guys are fighting a lot.

 

he has admitted to being attracted to coworkers in the past, including months after you two first met.

 

you are insecure about the relationship because you have reason to be, don't let people tell you that you are crazy. you most likely got involved with this guy way too quick, and you are so needy that you could not see that he is a player.

 

this whole situation just doesn't look good, and you know it.

 

you may never get the smoking gun, total proof of cheating, but the guy doesn't have to cheat for the relationship to be crap. Its probably going to end, and it probably should end.

[stacy_21]

The first hair was found in the front passenger seat the second was on his work shirt, with the one on his work shirt he held it up and said "wtf, why is there a blonde hair?" i was looking while he held it up, at first i didn't think anything of it.. but then this whole thing with that girl at his work i started to question it, he told me that no one has been in his car.

if he is such a player then why the hell is he still with me? why didn't he just break up with me today? wouldn't i just be a weight off his sholder!?

it's all just confussing..

who knows, maybe he drove her home/into town and won't tell me becasue he is scared of my reaction and he thinks i will think that he has cheated on me..

there is no other signs of cheating.. only thing i just thought of about 2 weeks ago his phone rang we were both in the kitchen when he answered, he told who it was that they have the wrong number, he said it was a girl looking for one of this friends.. he said that nervously to me..

i was speaking to him just before he wen't to work, he said we will go to the beach tomorrow and have a nice day to make up for all the fighting he has caused, i said it's not just you that caused it all and i said why would you choose those words, i said i will trust him and i beleive him, he said i know you don't but i understand and it will take time..

when i seem to talk calm about it he does, when i yell he does..

if i were the one being accused i would get offended and pissed off, he seems to get defensive and repeats him self.. maybe people deal with it differently?

But then.. when would he get the time? if he is not with me he is either at work or the gym - with my Dad! so no, the gym is not an excuse.

but, then what the hell is with the hair!

see, now you know what my head has been like, i just keep going around in circles!

the only thing we are fighting about and DO fight about is this.. but today was when it wen't pretty bad.

[RedDevil66]

I know how it's baffling to think someone you love can do this.

I loved my guy for 11 yrs. We have a home, a business and many year between us and poof, he threw it all away.

 

It's not about love, It's about need and survival. Never take cheating personally, because it NEVER is!

 

You're a woman, you have instincts men do not have. Use it, go with your gut and if you're still not sure, snoop or hire a PI.

[samsungxoxo]

i did NOT search his car in the intention of finding something, i seen it! so i don't know why you would say something like that.

And how am i the "jealous type"? honestly.. wtf?! i'm jealous because i have found unknown hairs in my boyfriend of 2 years car.. i am no where near jealous, try heart broken and confussed..

i came here searching for some answers because i can't even get them out of him, but all i got were people telling me that i am a "jealous type" and going "overboard"..

I must have been reading fast through it, not intented to judge you, sorry ok...... Anyways if your gut instinct is telling you something, pay attention to it. It is many time helpful when detecting a lying, cheater. There may also be times when it's wrong but do pay attention to it first. It's say that the signs of someone cheating is when they either increase their affection towards you more than usual or decrease it, come late and working is always the excuse, turn defensive (from their hidden guilt mainly) and treat you like you were the cheater when it's them, argue over insignificant things and many more to it. If the hair you found on the front passenger seat along with those things have been going on then you might wanna do some investigation to it. If you know the girl's name and he has im messenger, you can create a fake account and pass out as the girl. Then there's key loggers too, meaning you can track all their ims and chat history on it as well as installing a hidden recorder.

When doing your investigation, try to be secretive about it and don't mention anything to him unless you got sufficient evidence that he can't get away with. For example if you were to find evidence that he did indeed cheated with her and find out what the day it was... do this.... if it was the day he told you he was at work, ask him again about that day. Keep asking question and when he denies it till the end, that's when you throw all the evidence in his face.

If you find yourself constantly arguing and he gets all defensive along with no trust at all, that's telling you it's time to leave the relationship since it's causing troubles. No relationship works with no trust.. bhweller make a point, it doesn't always have to be cheating nor finding evidence of it to cause a relationship to end. It can be constant arguing followed by trust issues as well. As much as it hurts, if there is no peace, and only arguments, it won't last longer. So if it's happening too much, it's best to assume it's over and he is simply not the right guy.