AAlike Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 obviously her not being a virgin would cause him to break up with her. If this is true then why wouldn't she lie?
lkjh Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Are you unable to read? I clearly stated in the post you JUST replied to that yes, if he confirms that his gf lied, he is perfectly within his rights to break up with her, for EITHER reason -- the lying or the fact that she is not what she said she was. How old are you? The point is that mature adults who build a relationship of trust with someone come together and TALK before just assuming what someone else says is true. Jumping to conclusions based on what a friend said, and then just dumping your bf or gf before even speaking to them, is highly juvenile and reeks of high school romances that mean nothing! My fiance and I have a firm agreement -- if we "hear" something from a friend or see something on Facebook, we come to each other and ASK without accusing first. Because it is possible that there could be a misunderstanding. For the last time, you MUST be able to openly communicate with your SO to have a solid, worthwhile relationship. I am not saying he should not break up with her; only that he should TALK to her first and make sure the situation is clear on BOTH sides. (All of this I have clearly stated previously but you apparently lack reading comprehension.) I am fully capable of reading but all of your post have been about attacking the friend and giving him crap for not trusting his gf. Do you get that they have been dating for 6 months and he needs to figure out if she is trustworthy. This will shock you since you already have everything figured out in all, but people lie to make themselves look better. You have like 10 post trying to prove everyone's advice wrong, you didn't post one time about trusting the gf and not the friend, you did it several times. You were focused on the friend and not the situation. One of your post said "ou should assume your gf is the truthful one and not the friend". Then you go on and on about how he needs to put her friends name it. You are more focused on "getting" the friend in trouble
stace79 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I am fully capable of reading but all of your post have been about attacking the friend and giving him crap for not trusting his gf. Do you get that they have been dating for 6 months and he needs to figure out if she is trustworthy. This will shock you since you already have everything figured out in all, but people lie to make themselves look better. You have like 10 post trying to prove everyone's advice wrong, you didn't post one time about trusting the gf and not the friend, you did it several times. You were focused on the friend and not the situation. One of your post said "ou should assume your gf is the truthful one and not the friend". Then you go on and on about how he needs to put her friends name it. You are more focused on "getting" the friend in trouble I don't care if the friend gets in trouble, but this is so high school it's ridiculous. If you don't want to attach your name to something, then don't say it to begin with. Rumor-mongering and gossip are awful. IF this "friend" was SO concerned about the alleged lie, then she should have said to the GF "Hey, look, what you did is wrong. And I want you to come clean, or I will tell for you." No dishonesty, gossip or going behind people's backs. And if you'll read the entire thread, you will see that this "friend" is not really a friend of the bf... she was friends with the GF. YOU continue to attack the gf, and you refuse to acknowledge that I am right that you MUST have open communication and trust in a relationship. Otherwise this alleged lie does not matter one iota -- he shouldn't be with her even if she did tell the truth and was a virgin after all.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 But the BIGGEST problem I see here is that you're not mature enough to just have this talk with your gf, yet you want marriage with her, you have sex with her - but you can't have a conversation with her? A solid relationship is built on communication. This is something you do not have. I disagree. This is not about his ability to talk to his GF. That is very easy to do. This is about keeping his word to a friend. Keeping a promise IS a sign of maturity. I think an immature guy would have just gone running to his GF like his pants were on fire to set the record straight. Which even then... how can he tell if she is lieing? No... CubbieFan is actually weighing the consequences of what he does... and that is the mature thing to do.
stace79 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I disagree. This is not about his ability to talk to his GF. That is very easy to do. This is about keeping his word to a friend. Keeping a promise IS a sign of maturity. I think an immature guy would have just gone running to his GF like his pants were on fire to set the record straight. Which even then... how can he tell if she is lieing? No... CubbieFan is actually weighing the consequences of what he does... and that is the mature thing to do. It is no wonder there are so many divorces in the world. When you commit to someone else, that person is the only one who really matters, only superceded by your children if you have any, and a close second falling to your family members. Friends do not come before your spouse or SO. If you cannot put your spouse first, you shouldn't be in the relationship. Period.
dreamergrl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Well the friend obviously didn't keep the info to herself either. She put herself in that position. If it's so important to the guy, he should talk to the gf. If you can't talk about something that has to do with sex - why are you having sex?
lkjh Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 you are right stace, the guys should close his eyes and believe everything his gf of 6 months tells him, That would be the smart thing. By the way he said that the girl is also his friend
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 It is no wonder there are so many divorces in the world. When you commit to someone else, that person is the only one who really matters, only superceded by your children if you have any, and a close second falling to your family members. Friends do not come before your spouse or SO. If you cannot put your spouse first, you shouldn't be in the relationship. Period. This isn't a spouse! Also, the divorce rate is high because divorce is easy and very lucrative for women. Females are the ones who file in over 70% of divorces. It has nothing to do with communication... it's all about $$$. Also, if your married... your priorities should be 1. Wife, 2. Children. in that order. If you switch that up, your going to suck as a spouse and a parent. In regards to CubbieFan.... He has multiple obligations to reconcile, and kicking this friend in the face just so his GF can repeat a lie is pointless. Do you really think she is going to tell him the truth based on a rumor? How could he even tell? Bottom line. He needs to find another way to approach this. Just having a conversation with his GF is a total failure of an idea. It doesn't solve anything.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Well the friend obviously didn't keep the info to herself either. She put herself in that position. If it's so important to the guy, he should talk to the gf. If you can't talk about something that has to do with sex - why are you having sex? Whatever! You ladies are just upset because the friend broke Girl Code while drunk.
dreamergrl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Whatever! You ladies are just upset because the friend broke Girl Code while drunk. Only if it's the truth, which is unknown. And I could care less if it was male or female. She opened her mouth to get between them. She put herself in that position. Don't go blabbing secrets if you are afraid of the result. OP should talk to his gf and find out the truth. See what she says, see if her actions match her words. That would be the mature thing to do. Communication.
stace79 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 This isn't a spouse! Also, the divorce rate is high because divorce is easy and very lucrative for women. Females are the ones who file in over 70% of divorces. It has nothing to do with communication... it's all about $$$. Also, if your married... your priorities should be 1. Wife, 2. Children. in that order. If you switch that up, your going to suck as a spouse and a parent. In regards to CubbieFan.... He has multiple obligations to reconcile, and kicking this friend in the face just so his GF can repeat a lie is pointless. Do you really think she is going to tell him the truth based on a rumor? How could he even tell? Bottom line. He needs to find another way to approach this. Just having a conversation with his GF is a total failure of an idea. It doesn't solve anything. If he doesn't trust the gf, and he refuses to talk to her, he may as well just break up with her now. Everyone in favor of the "friend" -- who was his gf's friend FIRST, not his -- seems to assume the gf lied and the friend is above lying. We don't know either girl. My point still remains -- if you trust friends over your gf, then you may as well just break up. At what point with someone you supposedly "love" -- as the OP claims -- do you start taking your SO's word over "friends"? He trusted her enough to have sex with her. I'd say that's the epitome of trusting someone else. And if it isn't, then his priorities are all whacked out anyway. And as for "girl code" -- I have no idea what "girl code" is. I just know how to be a responsible, kind, compassionate human being who feels the lying is not okay and you should trust your partner over others. If they'd only been dating a few weeks or a month, AND had NOT had sex, I would say trust still has to be earned. But he SLEPT with her for God's sake. Nobody put a gun to his head... he must have felt pretty trusting to lose his virginity to her.
dreamergrl Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 you are right stace, the guys should close his eyes and believe everything his gf of 6 months tells him, That would be the smart thing. By the way he said that the girl is also his friend So people should believe everything they hear? The girl is also a mutual friend to the both of them. And who's to say the girl isn't trying to cause problems? No one is saying he should close his eyes - we're saying he should go find out for himself and talk to his gf.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Only if it's the truth, which is unknown. And I could care less if it was male or female. She opened her mouth to get between them. She put herself in that position. Don't go blabbing secrets if you are afraid of the result. OP should talk to his gf and find out the truth. See what she says, see if her actions match her words. That would be the mature thing to do. Communication. We all say things we regret at times. We don't really know how this came up in conversation.... yet. If he asks his GF about it... how will he know she is telling the truth? Should he make her take a polygraph? If he doesn't trust the gf, and he refuses to talk to her, he may as well just break up with her now. Everyone in favor of the "friend" -- who was his gf's friend FIRST, not his -- seems to assume the gf lied and the friend is above lying. We don't know either girl. I could not tell you if the GF is lying about being a virgin or not. I think there is probably a 75% chance or more that she is lying... just based on her age, gender, and the way OP describes her. Either way... pissing off 2 girls at once is just a hand grenade he doesn't need to be holding when the pin comes out. My suggestion is best. Go to the Ex BF and just ask him straight out!
stace79 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 We all say things we regret at times. We don't really know how this came up in conversation.... yet. If he asks his GF about it... how will he know she is telling the truth? Should he make her take a polygraph? I could not tell you if the GF is lying about being a virgin or not. I think there is probably a 75% chance or more that she is lying... just based on her age, gender, and the way OP describes her. Either way... pissing off 2 girls at once is just a hand grenade he doesn't need to be holding when the pin comes out. My suggestion is best. Go to the Ex BF and just ask him straight out! Involving an ex who by no means asked to be involved in this high school melodrama is ridiculous. If anyone came to me now to ask me such a stupid question about an ex-boyfriend, I'd tell them to take a long walk off a short pier. You can never know 100% that a SO is being honest about anything. You just decide to either trust them or not. It's really that simple. If he doesn't trust her word, then break up with her. If he does, let it go.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Involving an ex who by no means asked to be involved in this high school melodrama is ridiculous. If anyone came to me now to ask me such a stupid question about an ex-boyfriend, I'd tell them to take a long walk off a short pier. You can never know 100% that a SO is being honest about anything. You just decide to either trust them or not. It's really that simple. If he doesn't trust her word, then break up with her. If he does, let it go. If I asked for some clarity based on an ExBF rumor... and was told to jump in a lake... That would be InstaDump. No thought requ Or... he could take my original advice... and just realize that she is lying, but stay in the relationship until he finds someone better.
stace79 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 If I asked for some clarity based on an ExBF rumor... and was told to jump in a lake... That would be InstaDump. No thought requ Or... he could take my original advice... and just realize that she is lying, but stay in the relationship until he finds someone better. Seriously, how old are you???
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Seriously, how old are you??? Old enough to know that a relationship at the age of 18 isn't going to last. How old are you?... I'm going to guess 29 or 30.
stace79 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Old enough to know that a relationship at the age of 18 isn't going to last. How old are you?... I'm going to guess 29 or 30. It certainly won't last if he's playing juvenile games like keeping rumor-spreading gossips anonymous and approaching his gf's exes to snoop. You may be physically older than me, but emotionally you seem to be still in high school.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 It certainly won't last if he's playing juvenile games like keeping rumor-spreading gossips anonymous and approaching his gf's exes to snoop. You may be physically older than me, but emotionally you seem to be still in high school. I was born in 79. This guy practically IS in highschool. You should keep that in mind when giving him advice. Have you done much dating lately? Sometimes you have to approach issues tangentially and not bluntly. Trust me... I have a lot more experience dealing with women than you do.
stace79 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I was born in 79. This guy practically IS in highschool. You should keep that in mind when giving him advice. Have you done much dating lately? Sometimes you have to approach issues tangentially and not bluntly. Trust me... I have a lot more experience dealing with women than you do. Well, apparently you just know everything about me, so that solves that now doesn't it?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Well, apparently you just know everything about me, so that solves that now doesn't it? I know your sarcastic and defensive. Let's just agree to disagree on this and let OP have his thread back.
stace79 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I know your sarcastic and defensive. Let's just agree to disagree on this and let OP have his thread back. Just find it amusing that someone in Internet Land thinks he/she knows so much about me so as to assume you have "more experience" dealing with women. And also as if that has anything to do with the thread's original topic...
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 OP should be able to tell if the gf is lying by matching words with actions. And girls will do nasty things if they want to take a guy for themselves. If the friend knew that the guy wanted a virgin then she could have put two and two together and knew how to plant the seed of doubt. Further more, if OP really can see this girl as marriage material in the future, then he should be able to communicate with her.
lamaman3 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 OP - filter out most of the advice from people here, especially the guys. Most of the guys on here are jealous, insecure, and not very successfull with women so don't listen to them unless you want to emulate them. With that being said, I think alot of guys could say theyve felt like you have at some point in time, and as you get older, you learn to accept life as it is and not how you wish it was. Love is hard. Its not easy, its not a fairy tale. You call yourself romantic and old fashioned - I hope that dosent mean that you think relationships are like disney fairy tales. If you ever plan on having a relationship with a woman that lasts more than a few months, then you're going to have to deal with things about her that you don't like, emotions in yourself that you might not like. People aren't perfect, they are insecure and they bring these insecurities into their relationships and they are always trying to make themselves look better for the other person. I want to link you to a long post I did here a while back: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t168643/ I want you to understand the roots of your emotions now. Its not based on love, its not based on trust, its not based on "purity." Its pure, old fashioned, sexual jealousy. You don't want to imagine your gf havng sex with someone else. Its the same emotion that causes women in Saudi Arabia to be genitally mutiliated and that causes them not to be able to leave their homes. And even though its present in you and in many men, its bull****. If you happen to date when you are older, you can imagine not just dealing with a girl who had sex with a boyfriend before you, but women with ex-fiances, ex-spouses, children. People are human - your gf is not some disney princess that was waiting in a castle her whole life preserving her innocence until you came and rescued her. This "lying" that is pervasive among women is mostly due to men. Imagine if everywhere you went, you were bombarded with messages about girls who have sex being "sluts, whores, etc." As a guy you didn't have to worry about it. You could joke about watching porn (which Im sure you have, even though you are "sooo romantic"), about masturbating, and its all laughs. Girls have the same desires, but if they admit to exploring them, insecure men will jump on them calling them all sorts of names. Imagine you having to deal with that. Imagine having a girlfriend that you really liked and that wanted to sleep with you, and instead of simply doing what comes naturally, youd have to worry that if you ever broke up with her, and you met another girl you liked, she would judge you for something that you did before you even knew her. On top of that, she wouldn't even admit it was simple jealousy on her part but disguised it by blaming you - saying now what you and her have isnt special, that you weren't "pure," that you other gf took what was hers. Do you see how ridiculous this sounds and do you see why so many women lie? This situation is sort of like realizing that santa clause dosent exist, or that someday you and the people that you love will be dead and forgotten. Its part of growing up as shocking and depressing as it may be initially. When you learn to accept this and accept women's sexuality and past experiences without judging them, not only will you be more attractive to women, but theyll also feel better about being honest with you because they know you wont judge them. To try to get her to talk about it now? Have you told your gf about every instance in your life about when you made a mistake or were embarressed? Think of a particularly painful experience that you had - one in which you were really embarressed and which still brings shame to you at the thought of it. Now imagine it was something which all of society judged you on. Imagine if instead of enjoying a happy evening with your gf, she kept bringing it up, saying that your friend told her about it, and she wont feel comfortable until she knows every detail about that embarressing time, otherwise you wont have been "honest" with her. Is that how you want to make her feel? Love isnt about virginity. The other posters who are telling you to break up with her lying about virginity dont know anything about love. They know about agreements, categorizing women into unrealistic categories of "housewives and hoes," and jealousy, mistrust, and failed relationships, taking out their frustration over the internet. Would you rather enjoy the time with your gf, or join the ranks of these men who think all women are no good lying whores and spend their evenings typing about it on LJ. They don't know what love is. If you REALLY REALLY loved your gf - then you would accept her regardless of whether she had sex with someone else before you. Not destroying your relationship - Accepting her even with her mistakes - Thats what love is - 1000x more loving than destroying your relationship because someone else "barely" had sex with her before you knew her. I understand how powerful those emotions are and Im not sure youll be able to suppress them. Just realize whats at stake. If you bring this up - you will make her feel bad and possibly damage your relationship. You WILL get over the idea of dating a virgin in the future (especially since your no longer one either). The choice is yours - good luck! Whoa, I didn't expect this thread to explode like this. I checked it a few days after I first posted and it seemed like it died so I forgot about it, sorry. Anyway, I guess I owe you some more information. I haven't brought it up to my girlfriend yet. Half of me wants to, and the other half doesn't. I feel if we discuss it and she explains why she lied, what happened, etc... I can finally achieve some closure and put this all in the past. Before you all get on my case, I know she doesn't NEED to explain... but I feel like she should because of all the things she's told me. About how sex was so special to her... about how nervous she was to do it with me... how much she loves me and never really cared for her previous boyfriend. And she acted completely clueless/inexperienced when we first did it. It just doesn't add up. I talked to her friend again. She asked my girlfriend if she had told me about her previous boyfriend. She said that my girlfriend told her that she felt guilty about lying to me, but didn't want to hurt me so she would never tell me the truth. Apparently, she "barely" had sex with her other boyfriend. Finally, my girlfriend said that she would never speak to her friend again if she told me. So obviously as much as I want to just get everything in the open, I don't want to ruin a friendship between her friend and her as well as her friend and I. So I'm just trying to let it go... But one more thing. Call me old-fashioned, whatever... but I see sex as an awesome, beautiful thing that should be shared between two people in love. And my girlfriend agreed with me. That's why this hurts so much. I wish some posters on here would just be a little more understanding. I'm not trying to be chauvinistic. I just love her so much, the thought of her sleeping with another man absolutely crushes me. Please try to see this situation from my perspective before criticizing me?
JohnP82 Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Well OP I'll reiterate my advice from earlier. Your original question was about the initial lie. If her lying at the beginning of your relationship is a deal breaker then dump her. No one wants to be with a liar. I doubt many people would be on your case if she lied about drug use or something else along those lines. What it really comes down to is what's important to you. Don't listen to the assclowns that say what you believe is stupid. However, you should confront her face to face and not rely on a rumor. Second you posted a little later about not liking the idea of picturing her having sex with other guys. That's understandable. I mean who wants to picture some dude banging the hell out of their girlfriend? Even though the guy above me posted something way to damn long, is a borderline rant, and sounds like projections from his personal life there is some truth to it. Most of the girls that you will met from now on are not going to be virgins. Even the women that you meet in church probably wont be virgins, if your virginity thing is based religion. Most of the girls will be more experienced than you also, because well if you have a vagina getting sex is about as easy as Alex Rodriguez getting a hit off a little league pitcher. It's just something you're going to have to deal with. Finally I will state something that I've read on retroactive jealousy. A lot of people say that sex with someone that you love and care about is better in that you give more of yourself in that situation. I suppose you can take solace in the fact that maybe you are getting all of her and the other dude did not. I can't substantiate this as I've never had sex with someone I love, just flings. I'm eager to find out though. Good luck!
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