Girlfriend lied about virginity

[AAlike]

It's not a double standard if the guy holds himself to the same level. If he doesn't bang everything that moves then he just has standards.

 

"bang everything that moves" - the girl had sex WITH HER BOYFRIEND!

 

so here's a question to OP - you stated that when you thought that you were each other's first that you had a sort of "special connection" that two people can only have when being each other's first. If it does turn out that your GF was in fact not a virgin and you decide to move on, are you still going to be intent on finding a virgin, even though you, now as a non-virgin, are by your logic incapable of having said "special connection"?

 

I illustrate this point for a reason. If you were staunchly against premarital sex (which you obviously are not given the fact that you are currently having sex) I would not question your judgement at all, and would tell you that you need to move on unquestionably - as others have pointed out everyone has a right to their values or belief system. But OP's post seems to suggest that his GF somehow has "less to offer" to him because she had sex before she knew him, but yet has had sex with her prior to marrying her. That is not a belief system, but most likely a manifestation of insecurity and/or conditioned behavior, and yes, something that I think calls for some challenging.

[WiseOne1]

I meant in her ways like if she has to lie about her virginity to him than maybe she's ashamed that she has probably done many dudes and didnt want to tell him that information because it might hurt her chances with him, knowing how he is and all that's a possibility why she lied. I told the op myself that it should'nt matter unless she withheld sexual history that could impede your health.

 

Now I dont think she's a slut but maybe she knows she had alot and if she told him HE'D might think that too. many men are like that,

 

oh more than 10 guys whatever, but more than 50 and your only 18 than damn you get around. lol.

 

It's a double standard that's what I was alluding to. Dont get on me for pointing things out. it is what it is.

 

So bassically your saying, as long as shes lieing to make someone like her its ok right?

[Chrome Barracuda]

So bassically your saying, as long as shes lieing to make someone like her its ok right?

 

LOL no... I'm not saying that at all. She probably lied because knowing how this guy is she wanted to look the best for him. I didnt lie and I dont advocate for her to lie. I wished she didnt lie to the op. Wished she would have told him the truth from jump street instead of covering up what she did.

 

Dont blame me I didnt do anything wrong...lol.

 

I mean if I was in the situation and I was him I'd try to understand and not hold it against her. Knowing how the real world is out there, I wouldnt have expected my girlfriend to be a virgin. But I definitely would want to know why she couldnt tell me the truth? That's all I would want. Not every guy out there is gonna be like that.

[cubbiefan84]

Whoa, I didn't expect this thread to explode like this. I checked it a few days after I first posted and it seemed like it died so I forgot about it, sorry.

 

Anyway, I guess I owe you some more information.

 

I haven't brought it up to my girlfriend yet. Half of me wants to, and the other half doesn't. I feel if we discuss it and she explains why she lied, what happened, etc... I can finally achieve some closure and put this all in the past.

 

Before you all get on my case, I know she doesn't NEED to explain... but I feel like she should because of all the things she's told me. About how sex was so special to her... about how nervous she was to do it with me... how much she loves me and never really cared for her previous boyfriend. And she acted completely clueless/inexperienced when we first did it. It just doesn't add up.

 

I talked to her friend again. She asked my girlfriend if she had told me about her previous boyfriend. She said that my girlfriend told her that she felt guilty about lying to me, but didn't want to hurt me so she would never tell me the truth. Apparently, she "barely" had sex with her other boyfriend. Finally, my girlfriend said that she would never speak to her friend again if she told me.

 

So obviously as much as I want to just get everything in the open, I don't want to ruin a friendship between her friend and her as well as her friend and I. So I'm just trying to let it go...

 

But one more thing. Call me old-fashioned, whatever... but I see sex as an awesome, beautiful thing that should be shared between two people in love. And my girlfriend agreed with me. That's why this hurts so much. I wish some posters on here would just be a little more understanding. I'm not trying to be chauvinistic. I just love her so much, the thought of her sleeping with another man absolutely crushes me. Please try to see this situation from my perspective before criticizing me?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Whoa, I didn't expect this thread to explode like this. I checked it a few days after I first posted and it seemed like it died so I forgot about it, sorry.

Anyway, I guess I owe you some more information.

I haven't brought it up to my girlfriend yet. Half of me wants to, and the other half doesn't. I feel if we discuss it and she explains why she lied, what happened, etc... I can finally achieve some closure and put this all in the past.

Before you all get on my case, I know she doesn't NEED to explain... but I feel like she should because of all the things she's told me. About how sex was so special to her... about how nervous she was to do it with me... how much she loves me and never really cared for her previous boyfriend. And she acted completely clueless/inexperienced when we first did it. It just doesn't add up.

I talked to her friend again. She asked my girlfriend if she had told me about her previous boyfriend. She said that my girlfriend told her that she felt guilty about lying to me, but didn't want to hurt me so she would never tell me the truth. Apparently, she "barely" had sex with her other boyfriend. Finally, my girlfriend said that she would never speak to her friend again if she told me.

So obviously as much as I want to just get everything in the open, I don't want to ruin a friendship between her friend and her as well as her friend and I. So I'm just trying to let it go...

But one more thing. Call me old-fashioned, whatever... but I see sex as an awesome, beautiful thing that should be shared between two people in love. And my girlfriend agreed with me. That's why this hurts so much. I wish some posters on here would just be a little more understanding. I'm not trying to be chauvinistic. I just love her so much, the thought of her sleeping with another man absolutely crushes me. Please try to see this situation from my perspective before criticizing me?

 

I've never met a woman that hasn't lied to me on some level. It's a part of liek your just going to need to accept.

 

Besides, there is like a 95% chance your not going to be the last guy she sleeps with either.

 

My vote says you just forget about, and enjoy the relationship while it lasts.

[stace79]

Whoa, I didn't expect this thread to explode like this. I checked it a few days after I first posted and it seemed like it died so I forgot about it, sorry.

 

Anyway, I guess I owe you some more information.

 

I haven't brought it up to my girlfriend yet. Half of me wants to, and the other half doesn't. I feel if we discuss it and she explains why she lied, what happened, etc... I can finally achieve some closure and put this all in the past.

 

Before you all get on my case, I know she doesn't NEED to explain... but I feel like she should because of all the things she's told me. About how sex was so special to her... about how nervous she was to do it with me... how much she loves me and never really cared for her previous boyfriend. And she acted completely clueless/inexperienced when we first did it. It just doesn't add up.

 

I talked to her friend again. She asked my girlfriend if she had told me about her previous boyfriend. She said that my girlfriend told her that she felt guilty about lying to me, but didn't want to hurt me so she would never tell me the truth. Apparently, she "barely" had sex with her other boyfriend. Finally, my girlfriend said that she would never speak to her friend again if she told me.

 

So obviously as much as I want to just get everything in the open, I don't want to ruin a friendship between her friend and her as well as her friend and I. So I'm just trying to let it go...

 

But one more thing. Call me old-fashioned, whatever... but I see sex as an awesome, beautiful thing that should be shared between two people in love. And my girlfriend agreed with me. That's why this hurts so much. I wish some posters on here would just be a little more understanding. I'm not trying to be chauvinistic. I just love her so much, the thought of her sleeping with another man absolutely crushes me. Please try to see this situation from my perspective before criticizing me?

 

I guess I have more of an issue with the "friend" breaking your gf's trust. I can see your point of view and I can see hers. But I do not understand for the life of me why your gf's friend would break her trust. If it were me, and I had issue with your gf lying to you, I'd tell her to talk to you but I'd never tell you myself.

 

I think you have more rights than the friend does, so I would still advise talking to your gf. I would also advice both you AND your gf to keep your mouths shut around this friend. Clearly she cannot be trusted. I also think she must have a thing for you, or else she would not betray her friend's confidence.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I guess I have more of an issue with the "friend" breaking your gf's trust. I can see your point of view and I can see hers. But I do not understand for the life of me why your gf's friend would break her trust. If it were me, and I had issue with your gf lying to you, I'd tell her to talk to you but I'd never tell you myself.

I think you have more rights than the friend does, so I would still advise talking to your gf. I would also advice both you AND your gf to keep your mouths shut around this friend. Clearly she cannot be trusted. I also think she must have a thing for you, or else she would not betray her friend's confidence.

 

What is that supposed to be? Hoes before Bros?

 

I've known plenty of 18 yo girls in my time... and very few keep secrets well.

[stace79]

What is that supposed to be? Hoes before Bros?

 

I've known plenty of 18 yo girls in my time... and very few keep secrets well.

 

I don't call it anything other than loyalty, and I wouldn't want a friend who would tattle on me. It also makes me think the friend wants to be more than friends with the OP. If that is the case, he will have bigger issues to worry about in his R even if he can get past his attitude about her not being a virgin.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't call it anything other than loyalty, and I wouldn't want a friend who would tattle on me. It also makes me think the friend wants to be more than friends with the OP. If that is the case, he will have bigger issues to worry about in his R even if he can get past his attitude about her not being a virgin.

 

I'm not totally sure how the topic originally came up in conversation.

 

I would guess that either the friend did not know about the lie and assumed he knew, OR she was drunk and keeping the liars secret has been eating away at her.

 

From the story I would assume the former is more the case, especially since the request for him to not say anything came AFTER it was clear he was upset.

 

So, in my opinion, the friend really doesn't factor into it

 

This is all about a poor schmuck whos GF is feeding him lies.

 

He is probably the 3rd or 4th guy she has been with.

[stace79]

I'm not totally sure how the topic originally came up in conversation.

 

I would guess that either the friend did not know about the lie and assumed he knew, OR she was drunk and keeping the liars secret has been eating away at her.

 

From the story I would assume the former is more the case, especially since the request for him to not say anything came AFTER it was clear he was upset.

 

So, in my opinion, the friend really doesn't factor into it

 

This is all about a poor schmuck whos GF is feeding him lies.

 

He is probably the 3rd or 4th guy she has been with.

 

It was the latter of your two options -- she was drunk. But I suspect what I originally stated -- that it is because she is actually after the bf -- which is why she told.

 

Additionally, she has only been with one other guy, supposedly, the bf before the OP.

 

Lastly, everything he believes right now is HEARSAY from this friend. If she really is trying to break them up, like I suspect, she could be fabricating all of it and he will never know unless he communicates with his gf, which is the adult thing to do.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It was the latter of your two options -- she was drunk. But I suspect what I originally stated -- that it is because she is actually after the bf -- which is why she told.

Additionally, she has only been with one other guy, supposedly, the bf before the OP.

Lastly, everything he believes right now is HEARSAY from this friend. If she really is trying to break them up, like I suspect, she could be fabricating all of it and he will never know unless he communicates with his gf, which is the adult thing to do.

 

Um... seriously the friends story sounds legit. IF she was lying and trying to break them up, she would have picked something more likely to do that.

 

Besides... the number of 18 yo girls in the country who are actually virgins... you don't have to take off your shoes to count them. It makes much more sense to consider the GF is not being truthful, vs the friend.

[stace79]

Um... seriously the friends story sounds legit. IF she was lying and trying to break them up, she would have picked something more likely to do that.

 

Besides... the number of 18 yo girls in the country who are actually virgins... you don't have to take off your shoes to count them. It makes much more sense to consider the GF is not being truthful, vs the friend.

 

If the friend knows how deeply he believes in abstinence until being in love, etc. then she very well could use that to cause conflict. He has made it clear he is more upset that she wasn't actually a virgin than about the fact that she may have lied.

 

Sure it SOUNDS legit, but I know how manipulative and conniving women can be, and it wouldn't surprise me one bit.

 

Regardless, a true, mature, adult relationship requires communication, and clearly he is not communicating with his gf whom he claims to love so much.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If the friend knows how deeply he believes in abstinence until being in love, etc. then she very well could use that to cause conflict. He has made it clear he is more upset that she wasn't actually a virgin than about the fact that she may have lied.

Sure it SOUNDS legit, but I know how manipulative and conniving women can be, and it wouldn't surprise me one bit.

Regardless, a true, mature, adult relationship requires communication, and clearly he is not communicating with his gf whom he claims to love so much.

 

How is he supposed to bring this up with his GF without ratting out her friend? He may need that friend down the road... Never burn bridges. Sometimes your GF's friends are the only source of truth in a relationship.

 

I mean seriously... what percentage of women are 100% honest with their men? 1%, 2%... It's got to be very low.

 

I would go to her Ex, and get him to talk about it. 9 in 10 dudes will tell you exactly what went on.

[stace79]

How is he supposed to bring this up with his GF without ratting out her friend? He may need that friend down the road... Never burn bridges. Sometimes your GF's friends are the only source of truth in a relationship.

 

I mean seriously... what percentage of women are 100% honest with their men? 1%, 2%... It's got to be very low.

 

I would go to her Ex, and get him to talk about it. 9 in 10 dudes will tell you exactly what went on.

 

That's immature. If he has any intention of this R being long-term and serious, as in potentially marriage, then he needs to trust his gf and learn to discuss sensitive issues with her. If he can't do that, he should not be with her anyway. Bringing her ex into it is completely unnecessary and immature.

 

If his gf's friends are his source of "truth" in the relationship, then the R is a joke.

 

What % of men are completely honest with their gfs or wives? I'd bet more men are dishonest than women.

 

What's more important -- staying friends with a snitch and not ratting her out, or figuring out the truth in an honest and mature way WITH HIS GF???

 

If he wants a high school R that will end in just a few months, then sure keep talking to the "friend" and going behind his gf's back. If he wants a real, mature,adult loving R then he needs to come clean with her.

 

The friend should have thought of that before she opened her fat mouth.

[moman]

OP should break up with the girl. She lied to him. She tried to be something that she is not, in order to get him to like her. This is no different than any other lie or pretend scenario. She misrepresented herself and should be held accountable.

 

I know how bad this hurts because it's happened to me. And for the OP, it's not about the fact that she is not a virgin. It's about that she told him how special the first time should be in love, that she wanted to wait, and that he should be special because she decided to share her first time with him. When it wasn't her first time.

 

And what is that crap about "barely having sex". If it went in once, it's as good as 1000 times. it's not like something can just slip in. It sounds like the girl gave it up to her ex, felt bad about it so she lied to her current boyfriend, and if he doesn't bust her and expose her lie she'll probably do it to the next guy.

[musicfan876]

Break up with her. Marrying someone (doesn't matter if male or female) with more experience than you is wimpy and will lead to jealousy.

[lkjh]

do not let this go. If you let her get away with lying(and this is bigger than most lies), than she will just continuing lying. If you don't nip this in the but now, it will eat at you. Every time she talks about you two being first everything, you will know she is lying.

[Els]

Break up with her. Marrying someone (doesn't matter if male or female) with more experience than you is wimpy and will lead to jealousy.

 

 

What??? So you need to have EXACTLY the same number of past sexual partners as your girl/guy, for it to work out?

 

Geez, good luck with that.

[lkjh]

What??? So you need to have EXACTLY the same number of past sexual partners as your girl/guy, for it to work out?

 

Geez, good luck with that.

 

this lie isn't the same thing as saying I' have been with five people when in reality its more like eight. She is trying to build the lie that he was her first and that she is "pure". The op never said she had to be a virgin, he said that she lied to him and that hurt him. He said that he takes sex seriously and he thought she did to. Notice that he is still with her, so obviously her not being a virgin would cause him to break up with her. The problem here is the lying and false representation.

[lkjh]

That's immature. If he has any intention of this R being long-term and serious, as in potentially marriage, then he needs to trust his gf and learn to discuss sensitive issues with her. If he can't do that, he should not be with her anyway. Bringing her ex into it is completely unnecessary and immature.

 

If his gf's friends are his source of "truth" in the relationship, then the R is a joke.

 

What % of men are completely honest with their gfs or wives? I'd bet more men are dishonest than women.

 

What's more important -- staying friends with a snitch and not ratting her out, or figuring out the truth in an honest and mature way WITH HIS GF???

If he wants a high school R that will end in just a few months, then sure keep talking to the "friend" and going behind his gf's back. If he wants a real, mature,adult loving R then he needs to come clean with her.

 

The friend should have thought of that before she opened her fat mouth.

 

You do realize that your advice has nothing to do with the OP or his situation, it is more about women vs men. You want him to hate his friend(thats right, he is friends with the girl also) for being honest and worship his gf for lying. Your rambling on and on about the friend has nothing to do with this. We can not influence the friends behavior because she is not here.

 

The thing he is here about is the fact that his gf lied to him and he doesn't know what to do. Focus on the scope and things you can actually advise on. The friend will never come on here and read your 10+ post on how she shouldn't have ratted out her lying friend and violated girlcode.

 

To your other point, even if you are right and in general men are more dishonest than women(which i think if anything it is even or leaning towards the women) then that doesn't justify his gf lying him to him. The two are not related and you shouldn't be giving advice based off the getting even concept.

 

Lastly, no he shouldn't trust his gf. She has already lied to him and trust is earned not given. Only a fool would trust someone based off nothing. Please don't say then he should break up with her. The entire purpose of dating is to see if one day you can trust that person enough to marry them and that is what he is doing now.

[stace79]

You do realize that your advice has nothing to do with the OP or his situation, it is more about women vs men. You want him to hate his friend(thats right, he is friends with the girl also) for being honest and worship his gf for lying. Your rambling on and on about the friend has nothing to do with this. We can not influence the friends behavior because she is not here.

 

The thing he is here about is the fact that his gf lied to him and he doesn't know what to do. Focus on the scope and things you can actually advise on. The friend will never come on here and read your 10+ post on how she shouldn't have ratted out her lying friend and violated girlcode.

 

To your other point, even if you are right and in general men are more dishonest than women(which i think if anything it is even or leaning towards the women) then that doesn't justify his gf lying him to him. The two are not related and you shouldn't be giving advice based off the getting even concept.

 

Lastly, no he shouldn't trust his gf. She has already lied to him and trust is earned not given. Only a fool would trust someone based off nothing. Please don't say then he should break up with her. The entire purpose of dating is to see if one day you can trust that person enough to marry them and that is what he is doing now.

 

Where is his statement that he KNOWS she lied, as fact? Unless he talks to her and lays everything out on the table, then he does not know she lied. He is taking the friend's word over his gf's word.

 

1. If you will always take your friend's word over your partner's word, then you will never have a solid relationship.

 

2. Based on what you people are saying, one should always just break up with someone because of a rumor, without communicating with one's partner, to determine if it's false or true.

 

IF he spoke to his gf and she admitted to lying, THEN I would agree that he has every right to break up with her, and EITHER reason (lying or that she wasn't a virgin) are appropriate for breaking up.

 

My only argument the whole time is that he should TALK to her FIRST, to ensure that effective communication is achieved. If he is incapable of talking to her, then he doesn't need to be in a R with her OR with anyone else. Communication is ESSENTIAL to a solid, worthwhile relationship.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Where is his statement that he KNOWS she lied, as fact? Unless he talks to her and lays everything out on the table, then he does not know she lied. He is taking the friend's word over his gf's word.

1. If you will always take your friend's word over your partner's word, then you will never have a solid relationship.

2. Based on what you people are saying, one should always just break up with someone because of a rumor, without communicating with one's partner, to determine if it's false or true.

IF he spoke to his gf and she admitted to lying, THEN I would agree that he has every right to break up with her, and EITHER reason (lying or that she wasn't a virgin) are appropriate for breaking up.

My only argument the whole time is that he should TALK to her FIRST, to ensure that effective communication is achieved. If he is incapable of talking to her, then he doesn't need to be in a R with her OR with anyone else. Communication is ESSENTIAL to a solid, worthwhile relationship.

 

That is kind of the quandry this gentleman is in.

 

How can he talk to the GF without exposing the friend? I know your position is that he should not give a crap about the friend... but I know from experience that this is bad policy.

 

If he wants to talk to his GF about this... he HAS to find another potential source... hopefully one that is disposable.

 

Personally, I would find some way to use the ExBF as a source. Guys brag about that kind of stuff all the time, even when it's not true... so it's believable. In addition, I would communicate to her that I'm Ok with what she did in the past (even if I'm not), and express strongly that the hurt is 100% in that she lied.

 

If she continues to deny.... go back to the friend and call her out on it.

 

Or... you could go the easy route and just forget about the whole thing.

[dreamergrl]

First - 19/18 waaaaaay to young to talk about marriage, especially when you can't even talk about the present issue.

 

Second - Sex can be very special to someone even if it's not the first time you have sex. Losing your virginity isn't always special either. It's about the intimacy and love that is shared between two people that makes it special. So while your gf lied about being a virgin (probably to make you feel better about being one - which worked because it made you happy), it doesn't mean she lied about all her feelings.

 

I'm not condoning the lie - everyone get that straight before you start flipping out. But OP, given how obsessed you are with her being a virgin, for you to supposedly own, I can see why a young girl who was trying to impress her guy would lie. It doesn't make it right at all - but she's barely an adult, and either are you for that matter.

 

Also, another good point was made - what if the friend is making all his up?

 

But the BIGGEST problem I see here is that you're not mature enough to just have this talk with your gf, yet you want marriage with her, you have sex with her - but you can't have a conversation with her? A solid relationship is built on communication. This is something you do not have.

[lkjh]

Where is his statement that he KNOWS she lied, as fact? Unless he talks to her and lays everything out on the table, then he does not know she lied. He is taking the friend's word over his gf's word.

 

1. If you will always take your friend's word over your partner's word, then you will never have a solid relationship.

 

2. Based on what you people are saying, one should always just break up with someone because of a rumor, without communicating with one's partner, to determine if it's false or true.

 

IF he spoke to his gf and she admitted to lying, THEN I would agree that he has every right to break up with her, and EITHER reason (lying or that she wasn't a virgin) are appropriate for breaking up.

 

My only argument the whole time is that he should TALK to her FIRST, to ensure that effective communication is achieved. If he is incapable of talking to her, then he doesn't need to be in a R with her OR with anyone else. Communication is ESSENTIAL to a solid, worthwhile relationship.

 

you are full of it and you are just trying to back the gf, this seems pretty obvious that his friend is telling the truth. You are right, he should talk to his gf. But, every one of you post have been about the friend being a bad friend for "ratting" his gf out. That means you are more worried about the friend betraying his gf then the situation.

 

How about this, if he finds out she lied do you think he should dump her?

[stace79]

you are full of it and you are just trying to back the gf, this seems pretty obvious that his friend is telling the truth. You are right, he should talk to his gf. But, every one of you post have been about the friend being a bad friend for "ratting" his gf out. That means you are more worried about the friend betraying his gf then the situation.

 

How about this, if he finds out she lied do you think he should dump her?

 

Are you unable to read? I clearly stated in the post you JUST replied to that yes, if he confirms that his gf lied, he is perfectly within his rights to break up with her, for EITHER reason -- the lying or the fact that she is not what she said she was.

 

How old are you? The point is that mature adults who build a relationship of trust with someone come together and TALK before just assuming what someone else says is true. Jumping to conclusions based on what a friend said, and then just dumping your bf or gf before even speaking to them, is highly juvenile and reeks of high school romances that mean nothing!

 

My fiance and I have a firm agreement -- if we "hear" something from a friend or see something on Facebook, we come to each other and ASK without accusing first. Because it is possible that there could be a misunderstanding.

 

For the last time, you MUST be able to openly communicate with your SO to have a solid, worthwhile relationship. I am not saying he should not break up with her; only that he should TALK to her first and make sure the situation is clear on BOTH sides.

 

(All of this I have clearly stated previously but you apparently lack reading comprehension.)