decided to rant instead of killing myself

[ryepatch]

i'm going to post this instead of killing myself tonight, that's the plan. i've haven't been served by my wife in the 2 months since she filed and 1 month since i last heard from her, i was hoping she was having second thoughts and who knows? but i just looked online and found out she cancelled our car insurance, which i think is technically illegal since divorce was filed, you can't change any insurance including auto, but what if this means she's gonna go ahead and serve me now?

 

i was doing ok, really looking over my relationship and trying to take responsibiility for my role in it, i'm really ready to have a serious talk about our relationship but she won't contact me even to tell me the car insurance is getting cancelled? it was the last thing (other than taxes and court stuff we both have our names on.) our names are so beautiful together. . .

 

ok, so this is a ridiculous reason for suicide, but i just can't take it anymore. i can't take it. she told me she still loves me and doeesn't want to hurt me, and i know she's sick, i would leave her an angry message but i don't have her number.

 

she switched our van off the insurance a month ago and put her new car on it. i tried to call her to talk to her about it but of course she didn't answer. so i went online and put our van back on.

 

why?

 

it's the only way i have to interact with her! it's ridiculous!!!

 

what the hell is wrong with me! i was fine, i just switched antidepressants to what my doctor said was identical meds but that are covered by insurance so they're not $100 a month. is that it? 2 days later and i crash? i can't stop chainsmoking, it's been almost 2 packs a day for almost 4 months, i normally smoke less than a pack, i've been trying to quit for a year and a half, but every time i quit she has a breakdown!

 

i'm so weak! i am not a MAN! i never have been! i was fine when we were together. i was functional. i never hit bottom because she was always there.

 

then i got some "tough love, leave the psycho" type posts on my thread tonight and i couldn't take it. then my paranoid schizoaffective brother who just got out of the hospital called me on the phone twice tonight with paranoid ramblings about a facebook conspiracy against him. someone's always out to get him. i have to deal with this constantly, but normally my wife's there to talk me down. my family has haunted me my whole life!

 

they're all screwed up and i thought i was different and i thought i could make somethhing of myself but i was wrong.

 

god, what the hell is wrong with me? what the hell is wrong with my wife? i don't have anybody to call, i called my best friend in the world and he was out at a bar (in oregon). i've just leaned on him too much. he flew down here right after she left to get us talking again, i talked to him everday for weeks, he communicated messages back and forth between us, he's almost broken up with his own girlfriend because of all the time he spends dealing with me.

 

i've done a 180 as much as i can, i've worked out and gotten more muscle tone even though i hate that kind of thing, i've looked like hell for a job, i've made tentative new friends, i went on pharmaceuticals, i'm in therrapy, i haven't contacted her in any way for a month, i haven't stalked her, none of it works! nothing works!

 

my friends are sick of me. my wife won't talk to me. i'm living off my parents' retirement money. i don't know whatt to do with the cats. i just want my life back. i want my wife back. i just want to talk to her. i just want to know whether she still wants a divorce. why can't we just make a deal? i'll talk to you in 63 days. we'll do X and Y about A and B and C is that too much to ask? how can any rational person be supporting her in any of this? why are none of our friends in town talking to me?

 

ok, ok, ok. i'm not going to kill myself yet. i have to wait andd see where this goes, i know. i can't give up on my life because that wouuld be giving up on my marriage. i just can't picture a life without her, and i'm so pathetic. i'm just so pathetic and weak. i'm waiting. who knows, maybe i could make it through a divorce. i just can't see turning into an angry, bitter cynical person. i can't see trusting anyone. i can't see getting over this. i just want my beautiful marriage back. we really did think we were better than anybody else. we thought we had "it." we were never going to give up.

 

i just keep thinking that if i had had a breakdown first, if the situation were reversed, she would wait for me, she would keep on loving me. she would wait it out, she would take my abuse.

 

i just wish i had 60 seconds to talk to her. i wish i could sit there and LISTEN while she tells me what's in her head. i want to know. what are the accusations? what's she angry about? I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!

 

why am i so weak?

[JaneDoe35]

oh ryepatch, don't worry about that post on your thread. That is the problem with these open forums, sometimes people say things that you don't really want to hear and are not that helpful.

 

You are no worse off than you were yesterday....I know that is not much consolation. But that is what I say to myself each day. They are all pretty crappy. Tonight is bad here too for different reasons, as a stranger is sitting on my lounge. We are about to go out for a family dinner....too sad, don't know how I will pretend.

 

I don't think she is any closer to really making up her mind about divorce. She is too irrational right now. Please don't give up on yourself. I know how it feels to feel so incredibly rejected. Don't let her push you over the edge. I am just clinging on too.

[singledad2]

rye,

 

Hang in there. You are still getting one foot in front of the other, and these feelings you are recognizing are part of the process.

 

Just a thought...You said she filed, but you have not been served. Depending on the filing reason, there may not be a "serve". I found that out in my process. If the reason is "no fault"/uncontested/irreconcilable differences" nobody is served. But I would expect there to be some "mail' exchange involved. My point is you need to find out if the clock is ticking on some form of this process and is moving down the line without your involvment.

 

Enough that. We just want you to know we are in this with you. Rejection is a source of our anger. We have to learn how to deal with it. We also need to know its like kudzu, choking out the rest of our self. Its okay to be angry. Its what we do with it that can be good or bad. Then there is the greiving part of all this that we are doing. We gotta get through it, not around it.

 

Keep focusing on yourself, redefining your life in ways that only YOU have to make go. I could have written half of your post for you where I am too.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

"They can not take away our self respect if we do not give it to them"

 

My heart is heavy reading your post. By far the expert, but wanted to chime in.

 

You can't control her actions, only your response to her actions (or inactions as the case may be).

 

There's nothing you're going to be able to do to get her to do what you need. You can't control that. You can only control your response. So concentrate on that. Sounds like you are doing a lot of things that have been suggested, by working on yourself, etc.

 

But it's not working so you need to try something else. How about volunteering? If you find something like a soup kitchen or the red cross or maybe Habitat for Humanity to volunteer your time, in the process you'll meet people. Like minded people that are helping others too. People you can hang out with afterwards. People who will cheer you up as you're working.

 

Or how about looking for a meetup in your area for writers? Find something to throw yourself into. Start a blog. Go to a class to figure out how to start a blog. Something to occupy your time and something that will give you pleasure and a sense of purpose.

 

It's a long road. I think the biggest issue here is there was no end therefore no beginning.

 

Limbo is no place to live your life. It sucks in Limbo! People don't stay in limbo long because they don't like it. There's probably not even a coffee shop in limbo. Limbo says 'move on people, there's nothing to see here'.

 

Do something, just one thing, every day to move towards a different life. I know you didn't want a different life, but you got it. Not by choice. But maybe there's a reason that you will not figure out until years later.

 

Hope you have a better day today.

[soheartbroken]

Rye,

 

If I was in your situation, I would be writing exactly what you are. Just imagining the agony that you are going through not knowing what she is thinking, wondering if you'll be served soon, is almost too much for me to take.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I've felt it too. There is really nothing anyone can say to make the pain go away. Your life is completely up in the air. Whether you get served or not, each option is hell. She is putting you through hell. Yes, she may be mentally ill, but what she is doing is probably the worst thing one human being could do to another. I'm so, so sorry.

 

You have to survive one second at a time.

 

Send me a PM today.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Now will you listen to me or be in denial and limbo??? Or at least hear me out?

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Something else Rye.

 

If your wife does come back it will still be a long road.

 

So now you're living 'in the meantime'. People do spend time in the meantime. They hang out there. There's a convenient store there. There's a bookstore where people find themselves there. Heck, there's probably even a Starbucks.

 

So while you're in the meantime you may find something out about yourself. That your life is better with her but that you can survive without her. You may find that you like yourself, that you're o.k. without her, even though you would rather be with her.

 

People enrich our lives, they don't make us who we are. That 'you complete me' line from Jerry McGuire is bull. People enhance our lives, but they don't make us who we are. We can only do that for ourselves.

 

The low moments in life are there to teach you something. To teach you that you are resilient, that you can overcome. To teach you to keep your chin up. To teach you how to be grateful for what you have when you have it. If you don't learn the lesson life continues to teach it to you.

 

So you need a plan for 'in the meantime'.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

One more quick thought. You know what you should do? You should write a book about your experience. About your life before, about the heartbreak, about your feelings.

 

Many of these divorce books are written by people who have been through it and they are sharing what they've learned.

 

I have a friend who's wife divorced him and he strongly thinks she's bipolar. There's a niche.

[deux ex machina]

A split that occurs when the other person has a personality disorder is especially wretched, imho.

 

You WILL be okay, this much I can tell you. One moment at a time is a victory right now, and you are doing that.

[Nomad1]

Rye, you have a roof above your head, I presume, you are healthy, you are not about to starve to death. These are the basic necessities that you NEED and you have them. As to the rest, man up and get on with it man!

 

You must have little value for your life if you are thinking of taking your own life for another person in any event, and certainly someone who cares very little about you.

 

Take it like a man and move on!

 

Nomad1

[soheartbroken]

Hey Nomad,

 

I appreciate that you're writing with the best of intentions, and I know you want the best for Rye. For some of the people on LS, a swift kick in the pants works.

 

But when someone is to the point of being suicidal, there is no "snapping out of it". You don't flick a switch and suddenly "find value in your life". Life's problems, and mental health issues, are simply not that easy to solve. If they were, no one would be depressed, and no one would commit suicide.

 

Rye, I hope you're okay.

[LisaUk]

PM on it's way Rye. I hope you are ok, please reply to this thread and let us know you are alright?!

[ryepatch]

i'm ok i guess. thanks everybody. i'll post an update later. thanks for defending me SHB. thanks anyway chrome, i hope you didn't take that personally. but i don't want tough love right now. i'm just trying to stabilize, and i thought i was doing ok but i had a major panic attack

last night.

 

it really did save me that i could come on here and write a nonsensical rant that i knew people would read. lisa, the fact that you had that crisis and posted that thread a few weeks ago made me feel that i was able to do that. so i really owe you for being brave enough to do that. i'm pretty sure now i have an anxiety disorder too.

 

thanks jane (once again, glad someone was awake) and mrs ambiv and singledad and everyone else.

[LisaUk]

I'm glad I didn't go through with it Rye and you will be too. That doesn't mean I don't still have moments, but we will get there, as hard at is, those that have been there before us assure us that we will be happy again. We have to trust in them b/c right now we can not see it for ourseleves and I think that's where Chrome is coming from, but maybe it doesn't always come across like that to those of us who are still fighting our way out of the tunnel?

 

I know when I first joined LS some of the advice came a cross as tough and harsh, but these vets have lived it and can see it from the other side and you and I will someday to. That is a good thing though, neither of us wants to feel this way forever! Right now though you just need to know that your feelings are valid and normal, that we understand that this is hard and painful, but PLEASE don't do anything that you can never take back, the tunnel may be long, but there is light at the end of it.

 

(Sorry for threadjack, but SHB I have been meaning to thank you for what you said on my suicidal thoughts thread, about me being your role model through this, you will never know how much that meant to me to know I have been able to help you in some small way).

[soheartbroken]

(Sorry for threadjack, but SHB I have been meaning to thank you for what you said on my suicidal thoughts thread, about me being your role model through this, you will never know how much that meant to me to know I have been able to help you in some small way).

 

Lisa, I just want to send you a smiley face, but apparently my post needs to be 10 characters long.....so......

[hbogie]

Hang in there Rye. Dealing with a spouse with BP and depression is hell. And none of it makes any sense. I've read your story and can relate so much! I had quite smoking for 6 years and now am almost a pack a day. One day at a time for all of us.... some days easier than others.

[EarthGirl]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. It's so rough when you want so badly to be with someone and you just can't be. I know how it is. Take care of yourself. :D

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

No woman is worth your life like that. It may feel like your going through the fire and brimstone of hell right now, but all are delivered from pain that ask for it. Quitting your own life won't solve anything for you.

 

God has a plan for you bro, walk with him for a while and you'll see. He loves you more than anyone ever could. And it's times like these that we finally find him. Have faith in your shepherd, he'll make you a better man if you let him.

[ryepatch]

thanks everyone. i'd kind of like to let this thread sink to the bottom now, so please see me on my other thread!