Not sure where to go with this

[stepka]

I met a very nice man while camping by myself this summer but didn't flirt with him b/c he was married--he didn't flirt with me either, though I could tell that he was attracted to me. We spoke of many things, including his wife and family and it was just nice and friendly. I met another married man on the same trip and made friends with him too, and no flirtation there either--I'm friendly but don't date married men. When I left to go home, I had both of their email addresses and exchanged a friendly "nice to meetcha" with both of them after I got home. Never heard from the second one again after he emailed me back, which was as expected. However I've been emailing with the first one pretty regularly.

 

Now, I know it sounds bad, but. . . no sooner did the man get home than he found out his wife was having an affair with some man she met on the internet. He said that it was easier to confide in me than to talk to anyone close to home, which makes sense to me, but it's the timing of the thing that bothers me. Most of his first letters were full of shock and pain over what he'd found out about her and he was writing about twice a week and kept apologising and saying that if I didn't want to deal with it, he'd understand. I've always been interested in other people's lives though, (probably why I come here) so I didn't mind reading his letters and extending some advice, though I stayed somewhat impersonal at first.

 

Three months have gone by though--some of his shock has dissipated, though he still sounds depressed sometimes, and his letters have gotten more personal and from the things he says, I get the impression that he was majorly attracted to me when he met me, and truthfully, I was attracted to him too, though I wasn't going to go there, and shut off my radar when I found that he was married. Now he writes a very long letter every day, and I write one back, and he wants to come visit in a couple of weeks and take me to dinner, and I want to go, but I'm worrying that this was an elaborate story to gain my sympathy b/c he wants to have an affair, and I'm not sure how to find out what's really going on. He lives 4 hours away, and I wouldn't be sleeping with him for awhile anyway (assuming that things work out). He just doesn't strike me as the player type though--I've met quite a few players in my time and he doesn't fit the mold.

 

Or, I worry that it may very well be true, but people on the rebound aren't very discriminatory and that he just needs someone to fill the empty spot, though he was attracted to me before he found out about his wife. Yes, he's still married, but separated, but I'm in the same position, and though I'm not trying to date. This would be the friend thing w/o benefits, but he talks like he hopes it will work into something more. Oh what should I do? I'm working very hard to keep my feelings in check, but truth is we're both on the rebound and I've sworn off casual sex relationships. Had a couple of those right after my hubby left and truth be told, BOB is more satisfying (safer anyway, lol) I guess a woman who has sense wouldn't go out with him at all, would she? And yet, so many things are right, if it's not all a lie--we have a lot in common.

 

A question for the men though: if you were married to a woman that you loved, and then found out she was having an affair on you, would you even be thinking about another woman while all that was going on? That's the part I'm having a hard time processing. I was thinking about dating right away myself, but I'm not sure I was in love anymore. I loved him but wasn't IN love with him and was ready to move on. Also, I wasn't really ready to date--just needed to know if I was still attractive. Well sorry about the length of this--you're a hero if you got thru it all.

[stepka]

You are right of course--I keep thinking I'm nuts for even thinking about this. But then I think the distance will keep us honest for awhile too.

[boogieboy]

Youre using him to feel attractive, he wants to use you for casual sex. Its a match made in heaven.

[phineas]

I actually am a married man whose wife was cheating on him. I'm currently seperated & getting a divorce.

 

I am not thinking of other women relationship wise NOW.

I believe I am over my wife but REALLY REALLY REALLY like being single now.

 

I met a woman recently that had been bugging me to ask her out. I didn't. She eventually asked me for my number & we wound up hanging out. She knows my situation. We have established mutual interest but as far as we are both concerned nothing is going to happen until i'm divorced so it's casual. So casual we will probably hang out once a week if that.

 

 

I personaly am at a point where I have no hole in need of filling.

 

I think your guy may be looking for someone to fill a hole or just trying to get pity sex. 3 months isn't a long time.

 

I'm at the almost 7 month mark with only a few months left before divorce is final.

 

I won't date anybody now.

I will have sex with someone.

But only if their not someone i'd consider dateing after my divorce if that makes sense.

 

you might want to drop this question in the speration & divorce forum.

I think you'll gain a lot of insight.

[stepka]

I think your guy may be looking for someone to fill a hole or just trying to get pity sex. 3 months isn't a long time.

 

you might want to drop this question in the speration & divorce forum.

I think you'll gain a lot of insight.

Yes, I guess that's what I'm worried about. But he ain't gettin' pity sex. In fact, if I go out with him at all, I'm in a mood to make him wait long enough that if it's just sex he's after, he'll go away in search of greener pastures. I've decided that casual isn't for me, and I've sworn off FWB "relationships"--they only seem to benefit the men from what I can tell. I will post this in divorce--thanks, I didn't even think about that.

[stepka]

Youre using him to feel attractive, he wants to use you for casual sex. Its a match made in heaven.

Uh, you don't think you're oversimplifying a bit? I can think of easier ways to feel attractive than to write hour long letters every day. I can go sit in a coffee shop if I want to feel attractive. Or a bar. And I think he can come up with easier ways to get sex too, since it doesn't look like it will be forthcoming anytime soon.

[Isolde]

At this point, the "thoughts" you two have about each other, aren't well developed, since you haven't interacted much IRL. This situation sounds really coincidental, so while there's nothing wrong with light email communication, I'd be EXTREMELY cautious. It sounds like he is putting a lot of pressure on you somehow...pressure which would be alleviated if the email communication weren't so intense. You both have divorce issues to work through as well, and it sounds messy.

 

I think it is always a good idea to recognize that Internet communication can hide a lot of things.

[New_Life08]

If you did wind up in a relationship with this man, and maybe even married him down the road; how would you feel about him exchanging email addresses with a woman he found alluring on a camping trip?

 

Just the fact that he is married and accepted another woman's email address says something about his own character. The other married man likely realized he screwed up and stopped before it got out of hand.

 

It may feel good to us when we are on the receiving end of the new attention, but when we wind up at the other end, the story is quite different.

 

I don't know about this newly discovered online affair with his wife. Personally, it sounds fishy. He knows you do not want to be a home-wrecker. So, how can he get you to be part of his infatuation? He will do it by leading you to believe the marriage is over by some indiscretion of his wife. This way he can make his wife look undeserving of any consideration.

 

If you really think it through logically... how can he condemn his wife for doing exactly what he intended to do before he knew about her online activity? Also, a devastating blow such as an affair takes more than a few months to consider hooking up with someone for more than just a night of revenge. Another thing is he would not be promoting the very thing his wife did to ruin the marriage if he was genuinely devastated over it...it is unnatural. If it was so hard for him, he would have focused his energy on salvaging the marriage instead of chatting about it with another woman.

 

Here is my prediction. If and when you two hook up it will be exciting and fun. Then when his mission is accomplished you will hear less and less from him. Then he will go into some elaborate explanation about how he and his wife decided to work on the marriage.

 

This has not happened to me personally, but I have talked to many people it has happened to. The outcome was never a positive one.

 

All my best to you...make sure you do not dismiss your gut feelings in matters of the heart.

[stepka]

I don't know about this newly discovered online affair with his wife. Personally, it sounds fishy. He knows you do not want to be a home-wrecker. So, how can he get you to be part of his infatuation? He will do it by leading you to believe the marriage is over by some indiscretion of his wife. This way he can make his wife look undeserving of any consideration.

This is exactly what I'm worried about, and I think I will have to let this go--write less and less maybe. Or at least proceed very cautiously--at least the distance would help, though if he were looking for an affair, the distance could work to his advantage. Uh, so many games.

[Lucky_One]

How separated is he?

 

Separated households, with a long term lease, separated bills? Bought new furniture? Can you call his number at any given time - and he will answer?

 

Personally, I think he is lying. WAY too coincidental, and WAY too convenient for you not to be able to check up on him at any time, day or night.

 

If you MUST go have dinner with this man (which I feel is a mistake, but that's JMHO), then you go to HIM. SEE his new digs. VERIFY with your own eyes that he is really living elsewhere. And if you don't want to invest a 8 hour drive and a hotel stay (alone, I may add), then is it really worth pursuing anyway?

[melodymatters]

Well Stepka, I'm not huge on "rules" as so often there are exceptions. It's happened to me a LOT in my life.

 

Rather than make a knee jerk judgement, why not lay it ALL on the table honestly, and see what happens.

 

Say, I don't want to offend you but I need to honor my own feelings too. So I'm worried this might be a game and your still married, I'm worried we might both be each others rebounds and we might end up hurt, I'm not a FWB type, and due to the situation, I want to take everything VERY SLOWLY, especially the phyiscal intimacy issue.

 

Now if he wants to come visit, stay in A HOTEL, and you show him the sights have lunch, and do this a few times, perhaps you'll get your answers and you won't be potentially throwing out something nice because your nervous.

 

Good luck !

[Trialbyfire]

Big, red flag #1. The timing is too coincidental.

 

Big, red flag #2. If he's being honest, after D-day, people go into a state of emotional turmoil, a form of insanity. This doesn't bode well for anyone who gets emotionally involved with them, since it's like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. If this was six months afterwards or post divorce, it wouldn't be as bad of a risk.

 

Potential big, red flag #3. Do yourself a favour and wait for evidence of his divorce. For that matter, are you still married and living with your gay H? Have the two of you agreed to an open marriage and have you mentioned your marriage structure to Camping guy?

[stepka]

He is supposed to be coming here in 1-1/2 weeks for doctor appts. He'll be staying in a hotel (by himself) and said that he wants to buy me dinner to thank me for being such a help to him in this time of misery. In his letters he's hinted at a future with me and dropped little hints about what a good provider he is, between telling what she's done this time. I am thinking the same red flags you are, trialbyfire, so am proceeding cautiously if at all. I get the feeling that he's a man who doesn't like to be w/o a partner and that bothers me, but some men are like that.

 

I'm separated, though haven't filled out any paperwork yet--he left on Valentine's day. It never was an open marriage--I thought that I was in a traditional marriage. It absolutely is over though--we're friends and that's all. My ex knows about this guy, and the guy knows what's going on with my separation. But what do either of us know really?

 

What I'm thinking, and taking all answers here into account (even you boogieboy) is that I will have dinner with him when he comes to visit, but there won't even be so much as a good-night kiss. If he seems romantically inclined, I'll tell him that when we both get our divorce papers, then something might happen. The only reason I want to have dinner though is to see if I want to pursue something at a later time b/c I don't really remember if I was attracted to him before--when I saw the ring, I shut down the radar. I guess I want to see if I"m wasting my time writing these letters. People get to know each other thru the internet all the time, so I"m not so much worried about that, but it's rather limited of course, and it's easy to build up a fantasy about someone that may or may not be real.

 

In other words, I will proceed so slowly that he will give up and go away if he's just looking for sex, or worse, looking to have an affair on his wife. And, I really do need to go get those papers filed--I was hoping to wait until I get a better job, but I'm thinking more and more that I just have to do this and bite the bullet for awhile.

[New Again]

He is supposed to be coming here in 1-1/2 weeks for doctor appts. He'll be staying in a hotel (by himself) and said that he wants to buy me dinner to thank me for being such a help to him in this time of misery. In his letters he's hinted at a future with me and dropped little hints about what a good provider he is, between telling what she's done this time. I am thinking the same red flags you are, trialbyfire, so am proceeding cautiously if at all. I get the feeling that he's a man who doesn't like to be w/o a partner and that bothers me, but some men are like that.

 

I'm separated, though haven't filled out any paperwork yet--he left on Valentine's day. It never was an open marriage--I thought that I was in a traditional marriage. It absolutely is over though--we're friends and that's all. My ex knows about this guy, and the guy knows what's going on with my separation. But what do either of us know really?

 

What I'm thinking, and taking all answers here into account (even you boogieboy) is that I will have dinner with him when he comes to visit, but there won't even be so much as a good-night kiss. If he seems romantically inclined, I'll tell him that when we both get our divorce papers, then something might happen. The only reason I want to have dinner though is to see if I want to pursue something at a later time b/c I don't really remember if I was attracted to him before--when I saw the ring, I shut down the radar. I guess I want to see if I"m wasting my time writing these letters. People get to know each other thru the internet all the time, so I"m not so much worried about that, but it's rather limited of course, and it's easy to build up a fantasy about someone that may or may not be real.

 

In other words, I will proceed so slowly that he will give up and go away if he's just looking for sex, or worse, looking to have an affair on his wife. And, I really do need to go get those papers filed--I was hoping to wait until I get a better job, but I'm thinking more and more that I just have to do this and bite the bullet for awhile.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when guys do this. It's so obvious they're saying what they think women want to hear so that they can get their way, whatever that may be.

 

The rest of my thoughts on this I PMed you

[New_Life08]

I really DO feel for you. It seems to me you are a very genuine and caring person. like i mentioned before, I feel like he is pulling you into a very vulnerable position. Personally I think it is incredibly selfish on his part. But that's just me.

 

From all of the talks you two have had he must know that you are skeptical of him. He knows this yet he continues to pursue the first chance to be with you. I haven't read all of the posts, but has he physically left his wife? Or is he telling you that he has taken residence in the basement or something along those lines?

 

He has hinted at a future with you only a few months out of a devastating blow of his wife's betrayal? If the affair situation is true (I have my doubts) it is obvious that he is rebounding...right? And if everything IS playing out the way he says, the ONLY one who stands to get hurt is you.

 

There are many people in this world who will not leave a relationship until they have someone else to fall on. It is a cycle for them. usually they have been married 3 or 4 times. Is his wife his first marriage? Is there children to think about? Why does he hint about being a good provider? Is that supposed to sweeten the pot? I am sorry for all of this badgering but I am concerned for you.

 

He may even feel his intentions are genuine. But anyone who has been betrayed by infidelity takes a long time to recover. Do you feel he is emotionally stable enough to enter another relationship?

 

The whole scenario makes me think that something is just not right. Someone mentioned laying it on the table to him. I think that is a good bit of advice. I would be curious to know his reaction if you were to say: "I have decided that I am going to come there instead."

 

Who has a Dr. appt 4 hours away from their home town? It is not unheard of...but it is another convenient coincidence. It seems possible that he needed an iron clad reason to come there. Something that could keep you from changing the initial plan.

 

I think I would offer to go to the appointment with him; just to see if he makes excuses why you can't.

 

Wow, what a story, I will be following to see how things go for you. hang in there...you are not alone~

[phineas]

Big, red flag #1. The timing is too coincidental.

 

Big, red flag #2. If he's being honest, after D-day, people go into a state of emotional turmoil, a form of insanity. This doesn't bode well for anyone who gets emotionally involved with them, since it's like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. If this was six months afterwards or post divorce, it wouldn't be as bad of a risk.

 

Potential big, red flag #3. Do yourself a favour and wait for evidence of his divorce. For that matter, are you still married and living with your gay H? Have the two of you agreed to an open marriage and have you mentioned your marriage structure to Camping guy?

 

My buddy wound up being the OM with two different women that claimed they were divorced & wern't.

 

Now if they tell him their divorced he asks to see the papers. LOL!

 

My wife is doing it now. Claimed she is divorced to OM & told him her maiden name ect. She was still living with me pretending she was happily married.

 

This apparantly goes on quite a bit.