The romanticism of distance vs reality

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'm curious as to how this works out for people. I'm in a semi-LDR. We live an hour and a half apart. Met online. We've been out 6 times (since mid-August). Circumstances being what they are (the distance, our schedules, our family situations), at times it really does feel like he may as well be 1000s of miles away. We do our best to talk/text/email at least once a day. We haven't been able to line anything up for the past 2 weeks...which really sucks. But we ARE going on a trip next week for 3 days together. It'll be the most time we will have gotten to see each other in one chunk of time.

 

Anyway, I know that we haven't been seeing each other all that long, so I'm not even sure I can call it a "relationship." (So "semi-LDR," the "semi" applies to the R part, too) As long as things work out on our trip, we get along, we decide to pursue things further, my curiosity was this...

 

For those that had LDRs that then progressed into living together, or at least in the same town, getting to see more of each other, etc, etc... how did reality compare? Was it what you expected? Have a hard time adjusting? If there are other threads about this conversion, I'd be happy to have those links, I wasn't sure exactly what search terms to use.

 

Obviously this post could become completely pointless if nothing turns out with my thing. I'm just curious what the viability is of a LDR (even "semi," in my case).

[looking4 green grass]

Good question. I want to know the answer too. I wish somebody would answer.

[Trialbyfire]

SSC, straight up, 1.5 hours away from each other isn't very far.

 

I'm a firm believer that if both of you really want this to happen, you'll find a way.

 

One possibility is that the two of you move somewhere in between, so you can still keep your respective jobs, if they're important to you. A 45 minute daily commute, at least in my city, is no big deal. We have tens of thousands of individuals who commute daily, longer times than your semi-LDR.

[fral945]

For those that had LDRs that then progressed into living together, or at least in the same town, getting to see more of each other, etc, etc... how did reality compare? Was it what you expected? Have a hard time adjusting? If there are other threads about this conversion, I'd be happy to have those links, I wasn't sure exactly what search terms to use.

 

I've been in a 6 month relationship with someone in a town almost an hour away. Her schedule gives her summers off, and I was unexpectedly laid off back in May, so we actually got to spend a lot of time together this summer. Mainly now we see each other on weekends. We do talk daily.

 

I think the biggest hurdle will be when I get a job again. She doesn't have a 9-5 M-F schedule and I pretty much always have had that. I'm not sure how this relationship is going to progress, but if it gets more serious I would want to find a way to make sure we have some time each week to physically see each other and not just talk.

 

Obviously this post could become completely pointless if nothing turns out with my thing. I'm just curious what the viability is of a LDR (even "semi," in my case).

 

IMO if that person is really what you want, then I would rather have them once or twice a week than someone else I could see everyday. I think also in a situation like yours someone may have to make a sacrifice (change jobs, move, etc.) if they want to make things work out for the long term. It just depends how important a relationship is to you. I personally would be willing to make such a sacrifice, but I know some people wouldn't.

[SoulSearch_CO]

SSC, straight up, 1.5 hours away from each other isn't very far.

 

I'm a firm believer that if both of you really want this to happen, you'll find a way.

 

One possibility is that the two of you move somewhere in between, so you can still keep your respective jobs, if they're important to you. A 45 minute daily commute, at least in my city, is no big deal. We have tens of thousands of individuals who commute daily, longer times than your semi-LDR.

Oh, yeah - def. I'm not going to lose him (if it is what I think it is) over distance. I'd change jobs and move in a heartbeat if I found a decent one. As long as the relationship really is going that way...which I'm going to bet really good odds on, but I'm really trying to stay grounded...I wouldn't hesitate.

 

My question is more surrounding like people that are IN LDRs and when it turns into a real-life, breathing relationship in person...I just wondered how different reality was from what was fantasized. We've both invested a lot of time as far as email and the damn phone (can you say 3,000 sms in one month and I can tell you that only like 100 were from/for other people), and I can tell you that for the brief moments we get to see each other (today it was me having to rush away...we only got about 45 mins ), we reeeeeeeeeeeeally get along well. But you can't tell EVERYTHING about a person in brief moments like that plus email, plus phone, plus texting. It's completely different from having a full-fledged IRL relationship. I was just curious about other people's experiences that've turned theirs into IRL.

 

The hour-and-a-half is actually mostly freeway/highway driving. We're about 120 miles apart.

IMO if that person is really what you want, then I would rather have them once or twice a week than someone else I could see everyday. I think also in a situation like yours someone may have to make a sacrifice (change jobs, move, etc.) if they want to make things work out for the long term. It just depends how important a relationship is to you. I personally would be willing to make such a sacrifice, but I know some people wouldn't.

Yeah - I'm not going to let distance get in my way. If it really is what I think it is, I'd walk over broken glass to bridge the gap. You do not find what I think we've found easily at all. I thought I had something amazing with my XH (before he turned into a douche)...this, though... my goodness. No words.

 

Again - I'm curious about the LDR -> IRL transition. How does reality compare to fantasy?

[Island Girl]

Well, we have several couples here who are poised to experience the transition from LD to close proximity (a couple of them are or are getting married).

 

If they continue to post -- I hope they do -- then we'll see how things fall into place.

 

We do have a poster on LS who was LD and got married. Now they are together and have been blissful ever since. I won't call her out here just because that is her story and it isn't mine to tell. Perhaps she'll chime in.

 

Then you have the rarer couples like my hubby and I -- who started off together the normal way. We met, dated, lived together (all the while going through problems and working out issues) THEN went LD.

 

The distance actually refined our relationship. Communication was difficult at first because we were used to physical cues and not having to explain feelings, etc. the way we do now.

In that way, we are better than we ever have been. We know each other very very well. Better than I believe we would have otherwise. We are completely comfortable putting ourselves out there and being bare bones vulnerable with anything.

 

When he left, we were separated for 7 months and then I visited. That was a long separation and I wondered then if when I saw he there would be any weirdness or awkwardness (most people say there is but it goes away within hours and everything settles back in). But from the first moment it was just as it always had been before we were just really really happy to see each other.

 

The next separation was supposed to be shorter but a new very demanding job, life, etc. All of it got in the way. So it was three years until I saw him that next time. Communication had improved so much. And I was flying there for my wedding. Still those same fears came back again and I wondered since it had been so long, so very long, since we had been together in person. But it was as if we'd never been apart. There just was tremendous excitement and a palpable electricity between us from the happiness we had just to be with each other again.

It probably sounds ridiculous but it is true.

 

When he is finally here, we have talked about possibly facing issues because of merging two lifestyles together again. But he is easy. He really is. I am not but he already knows that so very well. We aren't concerned there would be any issue we'd find to be a deal breaker. What we've been through already should have ended it IF it was going to break down because of challenges.

 

I'll have to update this thread when he comes with the details of how we transition.

[SoulSearch_CO]

:love: I adore your stories about your relationship, IG. Thank you for sharing.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'm bumping to see if anyone has any stories/experiences about the transition from LDR to IRL. Anyone?

 

Yes - I'm still dating the same guy. The trip we went on (back in October) was heavenly. We've hit some bumps on our journey, but always seem to pull back together as if by some magnetic attraction.

 

I'm looking at moving to his town in April-ish and the same thoughts hit my mind...what if it's not as good in person as it is LDR?

[zebracolors]

I think to some extent those of us in an LDR, and I am in one myself, can't help but imagine that if we could just live together it'd be perfect. However the reality is that while you can come to love someone despite distance, there is only so much you can know about little traits and characteristics of the other just from text and voice. It really depends on how much you feel comfortable sharing, how much you reveal about yourself to the other prior to actually moving in together.

 

I know that there may be things about my LD sweetie that he has not revealed, like the little trivial things. I mean, I always enjoy getting to talk to him over Skype, and he's told me alot of important things about his life and I about mine, but I still can't know what it will be like to actually live with him, to share the same space, eating, sleeping and living. I imagine much of it potentially will be extremely wonderful, but alot of it will also be..well, "real". If that makes sense.

[mammax3]

Thanks for bumping this, SSC. I've been wondering the same thing myself.

 

I'm in a semi-LDR 'thing' too and it's so far the best R I've ever had. I'm often curious about the transition from LDR -> IRL too. Our situation is compounded by the assortment of children, cultures and careers. I'm not too sure how it'll go if/when we move closer.

 

Would you tell us a little about your situation? I'm always curious how other people make 'this' work, or the challenges they face, what makes it good, communication techniques etc.

 

TIA

mmx

[SoulSearch_CO]

Maybe it's so good, people just don't have time to come back and report after the gap in geography closes.

Would you tell us a little about your situation? I'm always curious how other people make 'this' work, or the challenges they face, what makes it good, communication techniques etc.

Sure. He's 43, I'm 29. We met in a group on Meetup. He has 3 kids (nope, I haven't met them yet - that part's complicated). But my XH had 5 and I had no problem with that, so 3 sounds like cake. Only difference being that in THIS case, he's the primary, whereas my XH only had visitation. So that eats into a lot of time we COULD see each other. He only gets two nights off from the kids per week and only one of those days falls on my days off.

 

I work nights, he works days. I wonder if there could be more stacked against us at this point? We're 128 miles apart and it takes about 2 hours and 15 mins to drive. We've been dating for 5 months and neither of us was looking for a relationship. LOL

 

Most of our communication is done via text, email, or IM. Seriously. We've only ever talked on the phone a handful of times. We do the webcam thing every once in awhile. Text, email, IM is easier because most times we're "chatting," he's got his kids around and you know how kids can be, I'm sure - always needing/wanting something. Plus, I'm usually at work - so chatting away on the phone is not very convenient for me.

 

The biggest challenges we have faced is with much of our communication being written, tone is very hard to gauge sometimes. So sometimes there is extra explanation and clarification needed that wouldn't be necessary IRL. This is better over IM/text because it can be addressed right away. Unfortunately, email is not as forgiving and it has caused a couple of snags because he thought I was saying something I definitely was NOT saying and vice versa.

 

I've been wanting to start school for quite awhile, now. I have recently found a major fix for a bad financial situation I've been dealing with for most of '09 that is making things a lot easier for me. So I've applied for school next Fall. I could've just done the community college in my area, but they only offer an associates and I want a bachelors...I figure if I'm going to go for it, I just want to get the full 4-year degree. The college in his area offers a bachelors. I liked the class sizes and the tuition and the cost of living. So that's my plan - to move out there. He's kind of hinted at it a couple times, but not outright requested because as he said - if I made the move "for him" and I ended up unhappy, there would be resentment. I will not be living with him. Less than a year dating is not enough, IMO (especially with kids involved) to start cohabiting. I'm moving to the area to get out of where I am (I hate it here), and improve things in my own life. If it improves our dating situation, then that is definitely an added perk.

 

How about your situation?

[mammax3]

Thanks, SSC.

 

The tone is difficult to convey, I'm curious how you clarify, or how you question what's been said without it becoming it's own issue?

 

He is 37 and I'm 32 and we've known each other for well over a year, but moving towards a 'thing' since, oh ... hmph. it's hard to say (once I think back on it because it's been a long slow march to where we are now).

 

Both of our marriages ended 3 years ago, leaving me with full custody (with very little visitation from their dad) of three small children and he has one child with whom he shares custody. After a year and a half, I decided to go to school so I could better support my young family which is where I met him.

 

It's taken us some time and tears to get to where we are now, and I'm sure it will be at least half this long again to become close to official.

 

Some difficulties are around our communication. We don't communicate every day. And while maybe that's ok since we're not an official 'thing', I sure feel as though I'm missing out on pieces of him. I'd like to email more, or text more, or msg more, but we don't. When I do text or email, the replies are quite terse, without a lot of the back and forth you might expect which can leave me feeling as though he doesn't want to communicate except when we're IRL - which isn't very often...

 

We see each other (on a good week) once in the evening when he comes in (we're about an hour apart). But he works later than me, has his child half the week, I always have my kids and he works the weekend often. The times when we are together are more than fantastic but so sporatic and unscheduled that I can't look forward to a given day to see him.

 

I'm sure there's more, but I think that's a general background of my semi LDR thing

[SoulSearch_CO]

The tone is difficult to convey, I'm curious how you clarify, or how you question what's been said without it becoming it's own issue?

Ha. Not always so beautifully. We've actually cut contact a couple of times because I can come across sounding really blunt with things I say sometimes (whereas it would've sounded MUCH different in person). The first two times he cut contact over it, I explained right away because I saw where I had misspoken. The third time, I let him go because we had discussed the silent treatment and how that was not okay with me. So we were out of touch for two weeks at that point. He was still one of my FB friends and so was following what I was doing (getting his "fix" so to speak). One of my friends suggested that wasn't entirely fair (he doesn't write ANYTHING on his wall, so I was completely cut off from him) - so I blocked him from seeing my wall. Lo and behold, he contacted me that night asking if I had unfriended him. We got to talking and got to clear up the misunderstanding. He's dealing with a lot right now (as am I), so misunderstandings are unfortunately a little too easy to run into (hence the reason neither of us was looking for a relationship - it just happened). I'm hoping things lighten up a little as things simplify.

It's taken us some time and tears to get to where we are now, and I'm sure it will be at least half this long again to become close to official.

I'm curious - what keeps it from being "official" if there's a spark? Are there some kind of other complications besides distance and kids?

Some difficulties are around our communication. We don't communicate every day. And while maybe that's ok since we're not an official 'thing', I sure feel as though I'm missing out on pieces of him. I'd like to email more, or text more, or msg more, but we don't. When I do text or email, the replies are quite terse, without a lot of the back and forth you might expect which can leave me feeling as though he doesn't want to communicate except when we're IRL - which isn't very often...

 

We see each other (on a good week) once in the evening when he comes in (we're about an hour apart). But he works later than me, has his child half the week, I always have my kids and he works the weekend often. The times when we are together are more than fantastic but so sporatic and unscheduled that I can't look forward to a given day to see him.

Hmmm. Given that I'm still kinda cloudy on why you're not official, I guess I don't understand why you're okay with such a low level of communication. Have you talked to him about this at all?

[mammax3]

Ha. Not always so beautifully. We've actually cut contact a couple of times because I can come across sounding really blunt with things I say sometimes (whereas it would've sounded MUCH different in person). The first two times he cut contact over it, I explained right away because I saw where I had misspoken. The third time, I let him go because we had discussed the silent treatment and how that was not okay with me. So we were out of touch for two weeks at that point. He was still one of my FB friends and so was following what I was doing (getting his "fix" so to speak). One of my friends suggested that wasn't entirely fair (he doesn't write ANYTHING on his wall, so I was completely cut off from him) - so I blocked him from seeing my wall. Lo and behold, he contacted me that night asking if I had unfriended him. We got to talking and got to clear up the misunderstanding. He's dealing with a lot right now (as am I), so misunderstandings are unfortunately a little too easy to run into (hence the reason neither of us was looking for a relationship - it just happened). I'm hoping things lighten up a little as things simplify.

 

I'm curious - what keeps it from being "official" if there's a spark? Are there some kind of other complications besides distance and kids?

 

Hmmm. Given that I'm still kinda cloudy on why you're not official, I guess I don't understand why you're okay with such a low level of communication. Have you talked to him about this at all?

 

Hm. Good questions. I hear your concern, and rereading what I wrote, it sure sounds as though I'm an extra.

 

I guess fear keeps it from being official. I'm more the type to just get out there and do it, and figure that we'll make it work, but he's more reluctant and hesitant - wanting to be sure it'll work. We have discussed it. And I don't mean it to sound as though we never communicate, it's just not very rich each time - is it for you (or anyone else who wants to chime in?)

 

There are some issues that I'm working on and he's been solid all the way through them, and continues to be. There's a bit of dysfunction that I bring into romantic relationships that I'm trying to learn about and make healthier - two key ones being manipulation/control and neediness. Since I'm so aware of those two issues, I'm very careful and analytical about texting him - I don't want to text just because I want him to tell me how much he likes me, or have it turn into some manipulation tactic. And then I start to question and doubt my understanding of relationships and get all needy anyway. It's frsutrating!

 

I am sure that he likes me, and I'm sure that there's no one else. But I'm not too sure how to make it work - and maybe that's stopping us too.

 

Sometimes I'm very secure and think that I don't need to text randomness through the day, or chat all night. But then other times, I feel as though he doesn't want to be with me and I'm being ignored. Given what I've described, do you have any ideas, suggestions or opinions?

 

Not to HJ the thread, maybe I should repost under a new topic.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Hm. Good questions. I hear your concern, and rereading what I wrote, it sure sounds as though I'm an extra.

 

...

 

Not to HJ the thread, maybe I should repost under a new topic.

And I'd hate to derail my own thread...but I think more could be examined in your situation. Do you mind starting a thread so people can respond? By community guidelines, they can't here, really.