Trunosc2 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Just wanted to know if I could get some people's opinion on how to handle this situation. ----------- I think most people agree that even while married, you'll come accross people who you'll inevitably be physically attracted to in some way. I've had a few female friends who I've been attracted to and thought nothing of it, but my wife is uncomfortable with me having them as "friends" as she does with air quotes. ----------- Her view: By willingly hanging out, sometimes alone, with female friends who I find attractive, I invite myself to be put into a situation where I'll find myself either falling in love with them or having a lusty make-out session or sex or whatever, because I'm emotionally suceptible to them. She thinks that if I find a girl attractive, that I should stay away from her or only hang out with them when she's around. My view: I'm an adult and need to be able to handle situations of all sorts. Yes, I'm attracted to some girls who I hang out with, but I shouldn't stunt my friendship with another person because I find them attractive. I feel like I should be able to get to know them and let these kinds of feelings pass. If I do wind up cheating, then I was less of a man than I thought I was. In the end, I feel like I have to be responsible for myself. Furthermore, I think by getting used to being around people I'm attracted to, I know how to handle it better and not get carried away in the future. For example, because I've had some of these girls who I've liked in the past as friends, when I meet someone new and attractive, I can handle it a lot better and not feel flushed, flustered and overcome with thought of sex and so forth. Before I had these experiences, any attractive girl I met who seemed to be hitting on me would usually get me really worked up in my head. ---------- Does anyone care to offere which point of view they agree with? Or maybe something else I hadn't thought of?
Rylle Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 You sound really selfish. It's about respect. Wife's side.
Enema Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Wife's side. But that's because I don't think men and women can be good platonic friends.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Come on, you really don't get why your wife is bothered by you being with women you opennly state you are attracted to?
gopher Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Wife's side out of respect... But, why do women think all other women will find their man attractive and would want them....
Jersey Shortie Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Less to do with caring about who finds our man attractive and more to do with caring about who HE finds attractive and is sparking his interest, visual or otherwise.
Adunaphel Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Wife's side, absolutely. Hanging out with a member of the opposite sex you find attractive is not respectful to her, and means looking for trouble.
Miad's Princess Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Yes you are a grown up and can make your own choices, but you have to respect your wife's feelings as it is not as simple as right or wrong so..... Wife's side
stace79 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Okay, I'm on the wife's side. I've actually had this argument with my SO many times. He feels the same exact way that you do. I have to admit, I'm pleasantly surprised by how many people agree with me here! Even the men! That gives me great hope. I always say that if you are in a group setting, i.e. working events or something you do as volunteer work, then no problem talking with people you may find attractive. It's the more intimate friendships, one-on-one time that bother me. I meet attractive guys a lot in the different volunteer activities I do. But I'm never having lunch with them alone or something. I think even the most best-intentioned people can get derailed by spending a lot of alone time with someone you find very attractive. It's just like, why put yourself in a position that could turn out tempting?
AlektraClementine Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I've had a few female friends who I've been attracted to with female friends who I find attractive Yes, I'm attracted to some girls who I hang out with my friendship with another person because I find them attractive. Furthermore, I think by getting used to being around people I'm attracted to. when I meet someone new and attractiveWow. Are you aware of how often you find yourself attracted to other women? Another vote for the wife.
freestyle Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Wife's side, 100%. Just curious, are you going to let her see your post here, OP?As well as all the responses?
carhill Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 OP, how do you feel about your wife and those men your wife hangs out with whom she finds attractive, you know, physically...? IMO, if the playing field is level, each couple should decide appropriate boundaries for themselves.
clv0116 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I'm with your wife on this one. For me and my life, I won't have any close single non-related women as friends and she won't have any close single non-related men as friends. My GF agrees with this practice, I don't care how other couples handle it.
Phedre Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Vote for Wife Why this need to test yourself? Great if you pass, you should as you are married but what if you fail? And to think, if you had just NOT put yourself in that situation you would have still been happily married. Don't risk it. Just do.not.risk.it this doesn't make you less of a man, it makes you MORE of a man by putting your marriage first
meep1227 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I think neither side is right. I think its possible to hang out with people of the opposite sex and still just be friends. I'm just friends with a lot of guys and my boyfriend dont care. I hang out with them all the time. Hell most of my friends are men. I can't get along with women really. But at the same time you should respect your wifes wishes... you do feel attracted to a lot of the women you see from the sounds of it and that would make me feel uncomfortable as well.
Trialbyfire Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Neither. The two of you have an incompatibility of perspective, of what constitutes reasonable boundaries within the confines of your relationship. This kind of incompatibility of boundaries, will get you two into hot water. As well, to deliberately test your own self-control, is asking for it. Wander over to the OW/OM or Infidelity forums on LS. You'll see plenty of scenarios where people failed in self-control.
Paragon Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 My view: I'm an adult and need to be able to handle situations of all sorts. Yes, I'm attracted to some girls who I hang out with, but I shouldn't stunt my friendship with another person because I find them attractive. I feel like I should be able to get to know them and let these kinds of feelings pass. If I do wind up cheating, then I was less of a man than I thought I was. In the end, I feel like I have to be responsible for myself. Yes, you are an adult, and a man at that and need to be able to handle all kinds of situations. And the views of a genuine man are grounded in HONESTY, especially in regards to himself. When in a monogamous relationship, you need to learn how to REDUCE seeing women as sexual objects in order to have a successful relationship--it's part of growing and evolving as a man. Now I want you to look at the bold part of what you wrote: that's the boy in you talking. You don't need to 'test yourself' in order to become stronger. If you want to be the man you envision yourself as being, than the REAL and RIGHT decision would be to not hang out alone with them at all because you recognize there's NO NEED to. You are playing with fire, and a genuine man knows this is unwise. Sooner or later even the strongest men will get burned, and it has nothing to do with how strong they are-- but it does have EVERYTHING to do with HUMAN NATURE. The minute you give in the slightest bit is the minute the snowball effect comes into play. I have seen it happen with even the greatest of men. Furthermore, if you are honest with yourself, you know that there is NO NEED--none whatsoever--to be ALONE with these women. If you think about it and dig deep within yourself, you'll find the reason you want this door to be kept open is because it fulfills some kind of deeper need. You and I both know that you just don't want to shut the door on being around other attractive women--that thought scares you. That's a natural fear, but THAT is the real test...Can you overcome it to shut the door to UNNECESSARY wants in order to keep your relationship healthy? If any part of you is unsure about being the man you want to be, then you need to get out of the relationship. Relationships are NOT the places to test your 'true character'--people's hearts are at stake, and it's not just 'oh well i guess i'm less of a man' if you cheat. It's much much more consequential than that--you just BROKE the heart of your romantic partner and are responsible for all the pain she will experience and the future relational problems she'll have with others all due to your want to play with fire to see if you can avoid getting burned. These words strike a chord inside you--I know they do...If you want to evolve and grow and be the man you say you want to, then you'll take out the opportunity to even make a mistake so you won't be able to make one in the first place...You and I both know the truth.
clv0116 Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Yes, you are an adult, and a man at that and need to be able to handle all kinds of situations. And the views of a genuine man are grounded in HONESTY, especially in regards to himself. When in a monogamous relationship, you need to learn how to REDUCE seeing women as sexual objects in order to have a successful relationship--it's part of growing and evolving as a man. Now I want you to look at the bold part of what you wrote: that's the boy in you talking. You don't need to 'test yourself' in order to become stronger. If you want to be the man you envision yourself as being, than the REAL and RIGHT decision would be to not hang out alone with them at all because you recognize there's NO NEED to. You are playing with fire, and a genuine man knows this is unwise. Sooner or later even the strongest men will get burned, and it has nothing to do with how strong they are-- but it does have EVERYTHING to do with HUMAN NATURE. The minute you give in the slightest bit is the minute the snowball effect comes into play. I have seen it happen with even the greatest of men. Furthermore, if you are honest with yourself, you know that there is NO NEED--none whatsoever--to be ALONE with these women. If you think about it and dig deep within yourself, you'll find the reason you want this door to be kept open is because it fulfills some kind of deeper need. You and I both know that you just don't want to shut the door on being around other attractive women--that thought scares you. That's a natural fear, but THAT is the real test...Can you overcome it to shut the door to UNNECESSARY wants in order to keep your relationship healthy? If any part of you is unsure about being the man you want to be, then you need to get out of the relationship. Relationships are NOT the places to test your 'true character'--people's hearts are at stake, and it's not just 'oh well i guess i'm less of a man' if you cheat. It's much much more consequential than that--you just BROKE the heart of your romantic partner and are responsible for all the pain she will experience and the future relational problems she'll have with others all due to your want to play with fire to see if you can avoid getting burned. These words strike a chord inside you--I know they do...If you want to evolve and grow and be the man you say you want to, then you'll take out the opportunity to even make a mistake so you won't be able to make one in the first place...You and I both know the truth. I want to make this a poster.
looking4 green grass Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Wife!!! All the way. Why are you telling her you find these women so attractive in the first place? That's just..........stupid and disrespectful.
stace79 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Yes, you are an adult, and a man at that and need to be able to handle all kinds of situations. And the views of a genuine man are grounded in HONESTY, especially in regards to himself. When in a monogamous relationship, you need to learn how to REDUCE seeing women as sexual objects in order to have a successful relationship--it's part of growing and evolving as a man. Now I want you to look at the bold part of what you wrote: that's the boy in you talking. You don't need to 'test yourself' in order to become stronger. If you want to be the man you envision yourself as being, than the REAL and RIGHT decision would be to not hang out alone with them at all because you recognize there's NO NEED to. You are playing with fire, and a genuine man knows this is unwise. Sooner or later even the strongest men will get burned, and it has nothing to do with how strong they are-- but it does have EVERYTHING to do with HUMAN NATURE. The minute you give in the slightest bit is the minute the snowball effect comes into play. I have seen it happen with even the greatest of men. Furthermore, if you are honest with yourself, you know that there is NO NEED--none whatsoever--to be ALONE with these women. If you think about it and dig deep within yourself, you'll find the reason you want this door to be kept open is because it fulfills some kind of deeper need. You and I both know that you just don't want to shut the door on being around other attractive women--that thought scares you. That's a natural fear, but THAT is the real test...Can you overcome it to shut the door to UNNECESSARY wants in order to keep your relationship healthy? If any part of you is unsure about being the man you want to be, then you need to get out of the relationship. Relationships are NOT the places to test your 'true character'--people's hearts are at stake, and it's not just 'oh well i guess i'm less of a man' if you cheat. It's much much more consequential than that--you just BROKE the heart of your romantic partner and are responsible for all the pain she will experience and the future relational problems she'll have with others all due to your want to play with fire to see if you can avoid getting burned. These words strike a chord inside you--I know they do...If you want to evolve and grow and be the man you say you want to, then you'll take out the opportunity to even make a mistake so you won't be able to make one in the first place...You and I both know the truth. This is probably one of the best things I've ever read on here! Brilliant. I am disappointed -- I'd wanted to read what the OP had to say regarding all the responses and what his plan was....
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Wife's side. You are banking on the attractive woman also being on her best behavior and having good boundaries that she does not cross. Don't put yourself into a situation that can go wrong, with no real benefit. If you really want to hang out with these women for legitimate reasons, then your wife should be there, too. Why would you have friends who are separate from her involvement in your life, anyway?
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