Trunosc2 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Several times in the past my wife and I have comitted to being truthful to each other. The problem is... it has side effects and that we feel manipulated by the truthfulness of the other person. We've both done it to each other and this has really put us in a bad spot. Example 1: We agree my wife should be honest about her feelings. A) My wife tells me she's jealous of my ex. I respond explaining to her why I still hang out with her. She says she can't help but feel jealous. I tell her I can't just stop hanging out with her because she has an irrational jealousy. Result: My wife doesn't tell me when she's jealous any more and feels manipulated by the fact that I truthfully tell her that I feel it's irrational. Example 2: A) On the flip side, even though I tell my wife I'm still hanging out with my ex. Her truthfullness makes me feel guilty. I don't want to put her in a situation where she feels pain so I don't hang out with my ex any more. Result: Her being honest with me, makes me avoid contact with people she doesn't like for her sake. However, I feel resentful for doing so. B) I want to visit my family this weekend w/o her, she says she feels left out. Result: I don't go, but feel resentful. ----------------------------- Now, I realize there are middle steps in between that could help smooth over the problems by explaining why, how, etc. But at some point, if a person is being honest, but their being honest makes a person wrongfully feel guilty, isn't that honesty almost a bad thing. I mean, what am I suppossed to do, keeping what I was going to and not feel any guilt? On the other hand, am I suppossed to feel no loss for the fact that my wife's jealousy made me lose a friend (so what if she's an ex)? Seems like the role of truth here is problematic. She is worseoff by me telling her truthfully that I am hanging out with an ex. Or barring that, truthfully saying that I want to do it, knowing full well what the reaction will be. Also, I'm worseoff for her stating her jealousy because it makes me feel bad to put her in a situation where she feels I'm not doing what she wants me to.
EarthGirl Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 how would you feel if the situation were reversed and she liked to hang out frequently with one of her ex boyfriends? I am not saying it is necessarily wrong that you socialize with your ex, but just to get some perspective here it's helpful to know what your feelings would be in a reverse situation and what you would want from your girlfriend...the truth? or would you rather her just not tell you?
freestyle Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Consider the alternative.Would you prefer to be lied to? As far as hanging with an ex............you are married. You made a vow that included the words, "forsaking all others". Were you including your wife when you hang out with your ex? If not, she's got every reason to feel jealous and/or uncomfortable. My guess is that it left her feeling like her feelings were'nt that important to you.
Author Trunosc2 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 I'm not the jealous type at all... so if she hung out with her ex's I would probably be glad she's tying up loose ends rather than feeling jealous. However, since people are all different I'm not trying to judge her by my standards but rather by what's right/best. Still, I have this inkling that it's not fair to lose a friend for this and it's not fair for her to feel like she can't tell me the truth about her feelings.
Phedre Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 It seems to me you have a problem either way.. it isn't good for you to feel resentment towards your wife because her insecurities cost you are friend but it also isn't good for your wife to secretly hate life every time you hang out with your ex. IMO, being jealous of you hanging out with your ex isn't being out there or anything and it doesn't sound like your respect level is very high for your wife or you wouldn't question so much why you have to lose an ex as a buddy and focus more on taking care of the most important person in your life, your wife. Relationships, romantic or otherwise, are all built on lies to some varying degree.. i don't really want to hear my rear looks big in these pants and he doesn't really want to hear that he had more hair 6 months ago... if you know something you are feeling is irrational, then I do think you should make an attempt to not screw with your spouses head just becuase yours isn't working right, but only if the person feeling that way thinks it is irrational, not becuase their spouse has told them it is so... I'm rambling. It takes both truth and lies to make a relationship work
stace79 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Well having been in this same situation, I must say first off that it sounds like your ex/friend is as important, if not moreso, than your wife, which is a big problem. Who can you live without? Your ex? Your wife? Both? I can't imagine this stuff didn't come up before you got married. Basically, if you're going to marry someone, she should make you so happy that you'd not care about an ex, even if she is a "friend". It sounds to me like you are a quite selfish person, and you want to do whatever you want to do; you just don't want your wife to give you a hard time about it.
2sure Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Your wife is being honest and telling you it hurts her for you to be involved with your ex. You are being honest and telling her you dont care. But yet, you feel manipulated because sometimes you feel guilty about seeing your ex?? This is almost funny. You want to continue to hurt your wife, but your pissed that she makes you feel bad about it.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I am still boggled that you want to visit your family without your spouse, and don't understand why she would feel left out?? There IS no Catch-22 here. You are clearly telling your wife what your feelings are. She is clearly telling you what her feelings are. The only problem is that you don't CARE what her feelings are. If it is as important to you that you hang out with your ex alone, then continue to hurt your wife and see how marital satisfaction that brings you. Why wouldn't you invite your ex to your home to hang out with you and your wife, anyway? What is it that you and your ex do that you can't do with and in front of your wife? Your ex is your ex for a reason. Keep playing her honesty as off as her manipulating you, and your wife will be your ex, as well.
sb129 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 You are clearly telling your wife what your feelings are. She is clearly telling you what her feelings are. The only problem is that you don't CARE what her feelings are. . Lucky one you hit the nail on the head, esp the bolded part. Basically OP, you aren't interested in your wifes feelings if they don't conform to what you WANT them to be. (Which are feelings that would be cool for you to do whatever you want). After reading your other thread I don't think you have a great idea of what "marriage" is all about. This thread and the other one are all about what YOU want and how YOU feel, and how your wifes feelings just cramp your style. I feel sorry for your wife, because my prediction is this- you will continue to do whatever you want and if she isn't happy with that, you will make her feel bad. This will compound her feelings of insecurity, and when she brings them up you will feel even more like she is trying to control you and you will be even more determined to do what you want. And so the circle goes so that you will split up with her and most likely tell her she drove you to it.
Phedre Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 But at some point, if a person is being honest, but their being honest makes a person wrongfully feel guilty, isn't that honesty almost a bad thing. I mean, what am I suppossed to do, keeping what I was going to and not feel any guilt? On the other hand, am I suppossed to feel no loss for the fact that my wife's jealousy made me lose a friend (so what if she's an ex)? You aren't feeling WRONGFULLY guilty. You are feeling guilty because deep down you realize you should NOT be doing what you are doing. And if it simply is you only feel bad for how you make your wife feel and nothing to do with the situation, then you need to reevaulate situations that make your wife feel guilty. Does she always do this anytime things don't go perfectly her way, or does it seem to be more individualized? Maybe she is hyper sensetive or maybe you really are doing something wrong. And please realized you are there are TWO people to consider here, you AND her, not just how YOU view it. You may never think something is 'wrong' but since it bothers your spouse so much you stop doing it. Any friend, let alone an ex and YES IT DOES MATTER, should not come between you and your wife. Also, I'm worseoff for her stating her jealousy because it makes me feel bad to put her in a situation where she feels I'm not doing what she wants me to. I'm bothered by your wording here and think it provides some insight in to your selfishness. You are worseoff? And again, you aren't doing whatever you wife wants? Why is it only your way or only her way? Does she forbid you any friends? Or only the female ones you have had a mental and most likely physical connection with? You appear to be very self centered and what to do whatever you please and your wife should just keep her feelings to herself since YOU think it is okay and YOUR opinion is the only one that matters. I promise I am not trying to be mean by attacking you, I am just trying to show you the other side of the coin. I'm hoping that if you care enough to post your issue on here you sincerely are looking for some outside perspective, not just proof that one of you is right or wrong. Please look again at the level of respect you have for your wife and how you show it and please please please re-evaluate your relationship with your ex.
New_Life08 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 The truth can hurt. But lies hurt more in the long run. A. You need to figure out why you have this need to hang out with your ex. If this bothers the woman you love (and it would most women) then it shouldn't be a sacrifice to give that up...unless of course you have some lingering attachment to your ex? Then you have a bigger problem. B. Why would you want to visit family without your woman? Is there a reason? Let her know the reason. Anyone would wonder why you are excluding them. C. It is insensitive and insulting to belittle her concerns. She is only concerned because she loves you. Have you invited her to hang out with you and your ex? Or are you excluding her from that too? D. You are on a distinguished road...if this continues, you will lose her. Just prepare yourself for that. I wish you all the best.
tryagaintoday Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 who here can see that he will leave the wife and be with the ex one day?
2sunny Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 i see where you should include the ex and the wife - and how that should have some bearing on your insistence to see the ex... why can't they all gather together? no reason not to - unless you're hiding something... why can't your wife go to visit family? it seems hurtful to leave her out purposefully. hmmmm, i'm seeing a pattern here - do you see it as well?
hoping2heal Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 It's amazing to me that your wife's jealousy is irrational, because you decide that it is. I mean trully, utterly amazing. Most people, would not be thrilled about their HUSBAND hanging out with their ex. I am one of those people, and if my husband didn't want to be comitted to me, he didn't need to marry me. You are comitting to someone else outside of your marriage and that must be very hurtful to your wife. You shouldn't resent her, you agreed to marry her, you agreed to comitt to her. What you need to do, is go look in the mail for your reality check and realise how selfish you are being.
BlueHarvest Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 who here can see that he will leave the wife and be with the ex one day? I don't necessairly agree with the OP, but you all are attacking him. Posts like the one above me aren't going to help his situation. We don't know his entire situation, he is giving us a *SNIP* of his life and trying to condense everything in his situation in to two paragraphs. Try to stop crucifying him jeez. OP, like I said, I don't agree with your stance. You did marry your wife for a reason. You should try to include her in things, especially if she is feeling left out. That being said, I don't know how much you two do already, it could very well be that you do ALOT of stuff together and you are trying to do some stuff in your alonetime away from her. This is part of a healthy relationship is continuing to do things on your own away from your wife. Now, if she's jealous of your hang-out partner being your ex, I can understand that. It'd be slightly (but not much better) different if it was just an old platonic friend, but it's your ex. Granted, most people when they break up can't stay platonic with an ex (they end up either completely losing contact or they end up getting back together) which is probably where her fears are seeded. I'd suggest taking her along on one of your hang out nights with your ex for her to meet her. Act like you normally do, then ask your wife for her opinion of the night. If your wife still feels uncomfortable you might have to severe the friendship with your ex in order to keep your wife happy. Hope that helps.
JohnP82 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Wow! I'm single and and can't imagine letting an ex get in the way of my next relationship let alone marriage. I wouldn't even think twice about dropping the ex. It's a little sad that you're conflicted by this. As for not understanding why she would be hurt by you not wanting to include her in your family visit ::Shakes head::
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