pretending its exhausting!

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ive realized that Im so hell bent on pretending Im ok and Im happy that its exhausting me.

 

Often enough I slip on the sadness but on a daily basis i push myself to "believe" im happy anyway and that it doesnt matter that my ex is gone for good and that im ok knowing he isnt good for me anyway.

 

I keep putting on a facade to the point where everyone is saying how surprised they are that im doing so well. I know im not but i dont want anyone else to know. I dont need the pity.

 

Today I messed up. Yesterday I got a client from the boonies, where my ex is from. Its such a remote town a million miles away from here that it took all i got to not have my jaw drop. Of all the places on this country....seriously??

 

Anyway, today somehow I faltered and I sent my ex a message. Nothing pathetic, just joking with him how his town must have lot of crazies cuz I just got a patient hailing all the way from over there. I told him how the patient misses the town and it made me smile cuz i knew what he was talking about (its a very cute litte town). I said i just wanted to share that and that i hope he was doing well.

 

So far i havent gotten a response.

 

Im not sure what i was hoping for really, cuz regardless, i know he just isnt for me.

 

But in any case, that, along with a lot of other stuff that i would normally handle well, just got me on a tail spin. Only nobody knows it.

 

Im so tired of pretending im ok, even to myself. I think i should accept that Im not ok, that I am sad and I do miss him. I think i should continue going about my business, but without the pretension that all is peachy. Just allow the sadness to come up and let it be. Maybe i wont feel so exhausted anymore if i do that.

 

What do you all think? should i let myself be sad, pity be damned? Or should I keep faking it til i make it?

 

Im not sure...i heard all you resist persist....and Im starting to think thats true

[trueblue72ny]

i thought i heard a saying one time, something like to deny or supress the truth is to give it force beyond endurance.

 

nothing wrong with trying to look forward in life, but there is also grieving you have to deal with as well. it takes time and you cant pretend its not there. it sucks but its definately part of life.

[logitech]

Well I so far did somewhat the opposite. I made sure people around me knew how much it hit me. In the end I sort of wish I did what you are doing.

 

People jump on the pity wagon but they tend to jump off it pretty quick I find. I am now trying to not show any emotion towards it all despite it eating me up inside. I think it is worth doing what you feel is right though.

 

For me now the plan is to hang out with the people I enjoy the company of, and let myself enjoy it. I don't want to be upset any more or show people that I am. If I feel a moment of weakness I will be trying to let it out here or to my mum. Otherwise noone is to know... That's just my plan anyway. Not sure if it's a great idea :s

[Angel1111]

When a significant, but bad relationship, ended for me, I found that I had to just disappear for a few months. By disappearing, I mean that I only did the things that I had to do - work and take care of my child - and everything else was put on the back burner. It was a serious grieving process for me but I was so emotionally drained from the relationship and the heartbreak that I just couldn't take on anything or anyone else. After about 6 months of that, I emerged a new person.

 

You must grieve. If you try to stop this process you will only cripple yourself and, in a sense, stunt your healing. That doesn't mean that you need to wear your feelings on your shoulders all the time, or mope around the office. But it does mean that you need to be honest with yourself and not continually feel like you have to put on an act for everyone else.

[wondering_girl]

it's not good to hide your feelings because you'll end up exploding my ex-bf disappeared after 4 years and i find myself crying sometimes randomly but i just need to let it out.. because if i don't let it out i'll have chest pains and feel even worse.......

[4givrnt4gtr]

I found that I had to just disappear for a few months. By disappearing, I mean that I only did the things that I had to do - work and take care of my child - and everything else was put on the back burner. It was a serious grieving process for me but I was so emotionally drained from the relationship and the heartbreak that I just couldn't take on anything or anyone else. After about 6 months of that, I emerged a new person.

 

 

That is exactly what I want to do. Just disappear. I dont want to deal with people, I dont want to anything other than what I have to. But im doing the exact opposite. Im hanging out with friends, keeping busy, helping other friend get over his break up. Im even gonna start training for a marathon in hopes it will occupy me enough so I dont have to deal with how painful this is.

 

Having my ex not respond to my message really hit home how not important i am to him. I guess it helped extinguished that stupid last ray of hope that somehow he would eventually realize his stupidity and come back begging for a se...third...chance. At the very least that we could be friends eventually....as I recall how much he wanted to be friends with his ex. I guess im not in the same league.

 

Im really really heart broken, I think more today now that reality truly hit me. I think Im gonna go off into hibernation for a while. Be alone...thats all i want. Screw everyone else

[caramel c]

I think it's different for everybody as to how you handle your emotions, but I also think that even people like you who can put on a front and act happy still have to let it out sometimes in order to move forward. Masking your emotions from people especially in public is not a bad thing in itself. Masking your emotions from yourself is dangerous because it prevents you from learning, growing, feeling what you need to feel. We are all human and we go through pain. Give yourself a break once in a while if you happen to lose it. It's ok, its just a part of this mess.

[rainbowsandkittens]

i've sort of been doing the same thing. i talk to my friends about it a little but i know they don't want to hear it. we officially broke up on monday and i've tried to keep myself out and busy all week. i was having dinner with a friend last night and she remarked how well i seem to be doing. and the thing is- i don't feel like i'm doing well at all. i think about him all the time, to the point of obsessing. i keep going from sad to mad to i don't know what- hopeless? but i think i've kept it together pretty well. the one thing is i really don't want to talk to most people- i don't want to talk to my parents or anything to do with work. i have a family thing tomorrow but i think i'm going to take the weekend and really mourn and hopefully by next week be past the worst of it and actually start feeling better rather than faking it.

 

i hope you feel better!

[4givrnt4gtr]

Im all over the place. I was so hurt that he didnt answer my comment that i cried on and off pretty much all night.

 

WHen i got home from work i popped "he's just not that into you" (the best movie ever!!! specially the line "hmmm maybe he forgot your hut number!...or maybe he got eaten by lions!" hahaha)

It reminded me over and over that " if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn't give a sh*t. No exceptions" and obviously my ex doesnt give a sh*t...so why should i???

 

I just FINALLY deleated him from facebook. Forget about how he might feel about that....I need to move on, and I wont be able to do that as long as I obsessed over what's the newest thing he might have said and how it might apply to us (when in reality it never was about us, its always been about his ex....silly silly me).

 

So onward i go...i feel a bit better on that side, but i guess the stress of it all has caused me to get sick. Awesome.

 

I am now nervous about his reaction or lack thereof.....i seriously wish i had considered all these things before accepting going out with him....

[4givrnt4gtr]

Well he finally answered my message. Too little too late. He has been erased from my life in all shape or form. Last night I took the last step and erased all the pictures from us. Its like we didnt even happened.

 

A few minutes ago I got an email from him in response to my message. Nothing big, just telling me his school is tough as he had predicted and its just going to get worse. He hopes Im doing well. Thats that. I dont know if he noticed he cant look at my profile anymore or that all the pictures are gone. Probably not. I doubt he cares anyway

 

At first I didnt even want to read it...but i gave in. I have no desire to answer him or contact him whatsoever. Im done. Im glad I took the last steps to disconnect from him. It really feels like its the past now. Weird huh? what a "delete" button can do for you.

[Treasa]

Sweetie, I've been following all of your posts since shortly before your breakup, and I think you're doing remarkably well, despite how you're feeling. Every time I read something you write, I think to myself, "Wow, she is very strong!"

 

As someone who ran a lot, I think the marathon training will help over time. I don't know how much you run now, but during those longer runs you'll have a lot of time to focus on YOU, and you'll find the endorphins kick in and you become so proud of your accomplishments that you realize that this guy was only holding you back.

 

You've said that you don't think this relationship was right for you. I agree. Love shouldn't be about feeling bad. And toward the end you were feeling bad a lot.

 

Who knows what may happen in the future? But for now, what you're doing is the best. It may not seem like it, but progress isn't always linear.

 

*hugs*

[Phedre]

I felt like I was reading something written about myself when I was reading the your story OP. My H (soon to be ex) cheated and I stupidly said I could 'just get over it' and wipe the slate clean, well a week later my emotions just about literally exploeded inside of me and have been overwhelming me ever since (6 days so far). Just decided on D last night with the H (due to his cheating and my inability to let go)

 

Reading about some of the stuff your ex did to you regarding the not returning text and such reminded me of stuff H would be before we got married, yeah I'm that girl that married the guy that was a f* up PRIOR to getting married and thought marriage would change him. Wrong .

 

Despite 'knowing it is for the best' I am having a hard time excepting the D as I love him very much for some unfathomable reason. In my case, it is true that love and logic's only correlation is the more I have of one the less I have of the other.

 

And here I am, currently upset because I am for some stupid reason expecting the man who couldn't be faithful and respectful of our marriage when we were 'happily married' to be acting in some way I find acceptable after we decide to get a divorce which to him equals being single effective immediatly. Just wish he wouldn't drain our bank account and the bars.. buying drinks for girls he is flirting with... okay, don't know for sure about the drinks but that is my anger and I am sticking to it.

 

I am SO impressed and am trying HARD to draw inspiration from your ability to hit the 'delete' button. Keep it up