gitga Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Bear with me because this may be a little long-winded... I've been dating this girl (late twenties) for about 5 1/2 months. I'm in my early thirties. Before we met, she was already best friends with a married lady in her early 40's. This married lady is in a miserable marriage and the girl I'm seeing is the type of person who always bends over backwards (to a fault) for friends that are having issues. I like this friend of hers, but I believe she manipulates the girl I'm dating. For example, about a month ago, my girlfriend stayed the night at my house and we planned to wake up early and head to the lake. So, the next morning, she asks if we could drive by her best friend's house because she had a "very bad morning" (apparently, she got in a huge argument with her husband). Why? Because my girlfriend wanted to simply give her a hug...and then hop back in the car and continue to the lake. Another example: My girlfriend and I went to the Caribbean for vacation for 6 days. My girlfriend has a tradition of going over to this married woman's house every Sunday night to watch tv shows they like and staying the night. When we got back on Sunday afternoon, my girlfriend said she was too tired to go over to her friend's house and decided to stay at my place on Sunday. Sunday night, this friend of hers texted her something to the effect of, "The kids are VERY DISAPPOINTED that you aren't coming over." So, that text struck me as manipulative. A side note, my girlfriend is extremely attached to their kids (my girlfriend goes to all of her friend's kids t-ball games, etc. and sits and chats with this best friend of hers). A few other things like this have happened, and it's beginning to make me bitter, but I haven't addressed it with my girlfriend yet. Also, my girlfriend lives in a house very close to her best friend and best friend's family and her best friend works with her husband in a house directly next door to my girlfriend's house.....so, the best friend stops by just about every weekday morning to chat for a few minutes with my girlfriend. Am I the only one that finds this extremely bizarre? I just feel that misery loves company and that this best friend is manipulating her by monopolizing her time to discuss her issues. I'm frustrated because I want my girlfriend to draw some clear boundaries with this woman....I would never tell her to stop being friends with her, but just have some boundaries. I plan to talk to her this weekend, and am a little nervous about it, to be honest. So, I guess I just wanted some opinions, comments, etc. about how to approach this with my girlfriend. Thanks.
Rylle Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I guess I don't really see what the problem is. As you wrote the OP it doesn't appear that your gf's friendship with her best friend is negatively affecting her relationship with you. In fact, the OP makes you come across as a little controlling. As far as the text about being disappointed your gf didn't come over one Sunday - well that's their ritual, it's their thing, they always do it. Of course she was disappointed. She was just letting your gf know how she felt (same as you're planning on doing I might add), and that she missed her, as did her kids. What boundaries do you expect your gf to establish with her best friend?
Absolutely Curtains Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Maybe they're talking about you. What's the problem? Your gf isn't allowed to have friends?
GorillaTheater Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I guess I don't really see what the problem is. As you wrote the OP it doesn't appear that your gf's friendship with her best friend is negatively affecting her relationship with you. In fact, the OP makes you come across as a little controlling. As far as the text about being disappointed your gf didn't come over one Sunday - well that's their ritual, it's their thing, they always do it. Of course she was disappointed. She was just letting your gf know how she felt (same as you're planning on doing I might add), and that she missed her, as did her kids. What boundaries do you expect your gf to establish with her best friend? I agree with this. Like Rylle, I'm wondering where you feel the boundaries should be drawn.
Kamille Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I have friends who are extremely close friends and who would behave the same way your gf and her friends behave. They are each other's moral support in everything. Perhaps your gf's friend has also bent over backwards for your gf before you came around. the question of manipulation is a touchy one in my book. no one is manipulated easily without some form of consent. I'll give you an example that has come up in my life. My parents are convinced that my sister's partner is manipulating her, that he isn't good for her, etc. I used to share their concern until my sister approached me to say: "you know, I know you disapprove of my bf and I know mom and dad think he is manipulating me. That makes me feel very little, like they don't trust my judgement. Like they don't believe I know how to take care of myself." And you know what, she was right. I might not love and adore her partner, but in the end, she is a grown woman capable of making her own decision as to what is healthy for her. So, if I were you, I would abstain from framing the discussion in terms of manipulation. You say you feel like the bf is monopolizing the gf's time, and that sounds like it might the source of your resentment. Maybe that's what you could negotiate with your gf: tell her that you would like to have more time when it's just the two of you, no texting and chatting with the best friend, if that's the concern. if, instead, your concern is that your gf is "miserable" because of her best friend, ask her about it. "It must be exhausting for you to spend so much time with Best Friend when she is going through a hard time in her life". then the two of you can negotiate ways so that you gf can remain balanced while still supporting her best friend. Just don't assume to know for a fact that her best friend is manipulative. If your gf doesn't agree, it could backfire.
Author gitga Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I guess I don't really see what the problem is. As you wrote the OP it doesn't appear that your gf's friendship with her best friend is negatively affecting her relationship with you. In fact, the OP makes you come across as a little controlling. As far as the text about being disappointed your gf didn't come over one Sunday - well that's their ritual, it's their thing, they always do it. Of course she was disappointed. She was just letting your gf know how she felt (same as you're planning on doing I might add), and that she missed her, as did her kids. What boundaries do you expect your gf to establish with her best friend? Because, every time they are together, they bitch about the best friend's husband. And, then I hear about how this best friend of hers and husband had a big argument and what an a'hole he is and, frankly, I don't want to be dragged into the drama....because based on my own observations, he's a nice guy and I feel 2-faced every time I talk to him because of the information they give me and ask that I keep "confidential." I'm not in this relationship to pass time, I'm in it because I'm thinking that we might possibly marry one day. So, my fears are: 1. If she and I have an argument that is private, is she and her best friend going to meet up to bad mouth me too? Yes, I understand that girlfriends sometimes need to talk with each other about problems in their relationships, and that's fine. But, I have heard very personal details about their sex life, arguments, etc. that I really didn't want or need to hear. 2. If we were to get married and have a family, will she still go over to this friend's house on Sundays (forgot to add that they also watch shows and spends the night over there on Thursday nights too) and stay the night while her family is back at the house? 3. Finally, all of her best friend's drama causes a lot of stress on my girlfriend which has caused some tension in our OWN relationship because my girlfriend worries herself to exhaustion about this friend of hers.....that's the kicker. Last thing that I'll add is that over the last several months, my girlfriend has stated to me on more than one occasion that she was sorry about all of the "drama" and that she is working on not always being there to "catch" this friend of hers. That was without me ever giving any indication that it bothered me. So, it is appears to me that my girlfriend wants to back off a little for her own sanity, but for some reason cannot.
Kamille Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Because, every time they are together, they bitch about the best friend's husband. And, then I hear about how this best friend of hers and husband had a big argument and what an a'hole he is and, frankly, I don't want to be dragged into the drama....because based on my own observations, he's a nice guy and I feel 2-faced every time I talk to him because of the information they give me and ask that I keep "confidential." I'm not in this relationship to pass time, I'm in it because I'm thinking that we might possibly marry one day. So, my fears are: 1. If she and I have an argument that is private, is she and her best friend going to meet up to bad mouth me too? Yes, I understand that girlfriends sometimes need to talk with each other about problems in their relationships, and that's fine. But, I have heard very personal details about their sex life, arguments, etc. that I really didn't want or need to hear. 2. If we were to get married and have a family, will she still go over to this friend's house on Sundays (forgot to add that they also watch shows and spends the night over there on Thursday nights too) and stay the night while her family is back at the house? 3. Finally, all of her best friend's drama causes a lot of stress on my girlfriend which has caused some tension in our OWN relationship because my girlfriend worries herself to exhaustion about this friend of hers.....that's the kicker. Last thing that I'll add is that over the last several months, my girlfriend has stated to me on more than one occasion that she was sorry about all of the "drama" and that she is working on not always being there to "catch" this friend of hers. That was without me ever giving any indication that it bothered me. So, it is appears to me that my girlfriend wants to back off a little for her own sanity, but for some reason cannot. Okay so the way to approach this is to realize that these are your concerns and your fears and take responsibility for them. don't make it about her and her best friend (like you did in your original post). Own up to why it bothers you. the fact that she is reporting back on so much that goes on between her bff and her H bothers you. It has nothing to do with the friend. Do you understand what I mean? And about the Sunday thing... Just ask her! Straight out! Honey, how are we going to manage this Sunday ritual when we get serious and you know uh, hmm, start a family? (be cute about it)
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Based on your second post (because I didn't see anything wrong in the first one), I'd simply tell her very firmly that you're not interested in the drama/gossip about this lady's husband. You'd prefer to just take things at face value and you're only getting one side of the story, which isn't fair. So just tell her to stop talking about it when you're around - or change the subject yourself. You don't have to sit there and listen to people babble on about stuff you're not interested in. Secondly - you're worried about this stuff for the future about after you get married and have kids...that's kinda far down the road to be worrying, IMO. Who knows? They may tire of each other by then, the lady may have gotten divorced, their relationship may have improved...blah, blah, blah. You never know what the future can hold. Live in the now. One word of caution, however - you say "he seems like a nice guy" to you in person. Do you realize that some people have the ability to completely change their personalities based on who's around them? My biological father is one of those. NOBODY could figure out why my mother was so unhappy with him, why she called him abusive because he was "SOOO nice" to other people in public. Well, he made it a point to belittle and demean her every chance he could when they were in private. When I went for a visit to his family, my cousins had never seen the angry side of him until he completely let go and freaked out at me over something stupid. They were dumbfounded - and they had seen the guy every summer for their whole lives - the oldest being about 12. You can't judge anybody based on their public persona.
gopher Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I think your g/f's friend feels she's been replaced by you, and manipulates situations to get more time. She should talk to her husband about their issues and not just bash him to your g/f. But, your g/f clearly gets something from this friendship....being needed perhaps or the caretaking part. It's possible that they are just friends, in spite of the age differences, and where they're at in life. That's hard to tell....you would need to be less biased and share more detail. But, I'm a guy and don't really understand how female friendships work.
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