Maxwell Sage Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Not sure if any one read my initial story, which I posted in the break up section, but my last relationship was a very intense one that spanned over two and a half years. It was also my only serious relationship to date. My ex and I were each other's first loves. We "more or less" lost our virginity to each other. We lived together, day in and day out, for over two years. When I met her, she was in the process of committing suicide and I was feeling very empty day after day. At one point we even went as far as to consider each other soul mates... We even went on to physically save each other's LIVES. Every time we fought, we would talk for hours until we established a calm level, simply because no matter what happened, we never lost sight of the fact that we loved each other. In addition to all of this, I provided a very calm and stable place for her to stay, for two years, since living with her family made her want to die... Of course we hurt each other periodically along the way, hence the reason she's my ex... But you'd think that a bond as strong as the one I described would be very unlikely to deteriorate, right? I'd think that even after dating someone new, that we'd still be extremely close friends. Am I being naive? Any way, about a month and a half ago, I was going through an emotional and mental breakdown, and since my ex had been the only person I felt comfortable talking to about my emotions, I of course turned to her for comfort. I told her that I was going through it, hard core, and that I just wanted her to tell me that she loved me in order to ease my suffering. I was not begging her for another chance at all, or any thing of that nature. I was merely asking for some reassurance that we still shared a loving bond and that she cared enough to console me when I was crumbling. Unbeknownst to be me at the time, my ex had fallen for a new guy and was in a new relationship. So, when I asked her to tell me that she still loved me, her reply was "I have love for you. But, saying 'I love you' doesn't feel right." This hurt tremendously. Our relationship was the most epic and joyous thing I've ever experienced. I told her several times over the course of our relationship "If I don't love you, I don't love any thing." For god's sake, we considered each other SOUL MATES at one point. Now she can't even tell me she loves me when I'm obviously breaking down over the phone? By the way, this was the ONLY time I asked her to do any thing of this nature. Every one gets needy and insecure at times, but I wouldn't ask for a favor like this unless I felt it was really necessary. Fast forward about a month to when she tells me she's been in a relationship for over a month, this is when I establish NC in order to regain a grip on my life. Since then, my ex has contacted me twice... Each time, it brought up so many intense emotions that I began to experience chest pains... The first time she contact me, it was to b*tch at me because she discovered that I blocked her on AIM. Last night she sent me an email with songs that she thought I would like, and made sure to vent a little bit more of her frustration. Only recently have I gone back and pieced things together in retrospect. I realized that the reason she didn't feel comfortable telling me that she loved me was because she had moved on so much and felt such a strong allegiance to her new boyfriend. This is dispicable to me. If it weren't for me coming into her life she would have killed herself, she has told me this many times. If I hadn't provided a stable place for her to live from 2007 to 2009, it's any one's guess as to what would have taken place. For her to feel so far gone from every thing we've been through, and to feel so close to her new boyfriend, to the point where she can't tell me that she loves me when I'm having an emotional breakdown is nearly unfathomable to me. I feel insulted on such a deep level, but not as strongly as I feel that she is utter trash, or perhaps a true whore, for moving on so much and so quickly. Now I'm at the point where I want to tell her that the person whom she cared for so deeply at one point has grown to hate her, and that she should not attempt to contact me in the future. Each time she does, it brings up sooooo many intense thoughts and emotions. I know I should just "not give a f*ck" and continue about my life. However, doing so is very difficult with periodic reminders popping up, resulting in me needing to post threads like this in order to feel a bit of solace. WHAT SHOULD I DO? Tell her off because I think she deserves to hear how terrible I think she is? Politely explain that her messages bring up too many emotions and that I'd like to talk to her when I'm ready? Ignore it all and focus on more productive things? I feel like I want to do all three! If some one could share their perspective or a bit of insight on my dilemma, I would appreciate it greatly since I definitely do not want to be irrational when addressing such an intense emotional situation.
northstar1 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Not sure if any one read my initial story, which I posted in the break up section, but my last relationship was a very intense one that spanned over two and a half years. It was also my only serious relationship to date. My ex and I were each other's first loves. We "more or less" lost our virginity to each other. We lived together, day in and day out, for over two years. When I met her, she was in the process of committing suicide and I was feeling very empty day after day. At one point we even went as far as to consider each other soul mates... We even went on to physically save each other's LIVES. Every time we fought, we would talk for hours until we established a calm level, simply because no matter what happened, we never lost sight of the fact that we loved each other. In addition to all of this, I provided a very calm and stable place for her to stay, for two years, since living with her family made her want to die... Of course we hurt each other periodically along the way, hence the reason she's my ex... But you'd think that a bond as strong as the one I described would be very unlikely to deteriorate, right? I'd think that even after dating someone new, that we'd still be extremely close friends. Am I being naive? Any way, about a month and a half ago, I was going through an emotional and mental breakdown, and since my ex had been the only person I felt comfortable talking to about my emotions, I of course turned to her for comfort. I told her that I was going through it, hard core, and that I just wanted her to tell me that she loved me in order to ease my suffering. I was not begging her for another chance at all, or any thing of that nature. I was merely asking for some reassurance that we still shared a loving bond and that she cared enough to console me when I was crumbling. Unbeknownst to be me at the time, my ex had fallen for a new guy and was in a new relationship. So, when I asked her to tell me that she still loved me, her reply was "I have love for you. But, saying 'I love you' doesn't feel right." This hurt tremendously. Our relationship was the most epic and joyous thing I've ever experienced. I told her several times over the course of our relationship "If I don't love you, I don't love any thing." For god's sake, we considered each other SOUL MATES at one point. Now she can't even tell me she loves me when I'm obviously breaking down over the phone? By the way, this was the ONLY time I asked her to do any thing of this nature. Every one gets needy and insecure at times, but I wouldn't ask for a favor like this unless I felt it was really necessary. Fast forward about a month to when she tells me she's been in a relationship for over a month, this is when I establish NC in order to regain a grip on my life. Since then, my ex has contacted me twice... Each time, it brought up so many intense emotions that I began to experience chest pains... The first time she contact me, it was to b*tch at me because she discovered that I blocked her on AIM. Last night she sent me an email with songs that she thought I would like, and made sure to vent a little bit more of her frustration. Only recently have I gone back and pieced things together in retrospect. I realized that the reason she didn't feel comfortable telling me that she loved me was because she had moved on so much and felt such a strong allegiance to her new boyfriend. This is dispicable to me. If it weren't for me coming into her life she would have killed herself, she has told me this many times. If I hadn't provided a stable place for her to live from 2007 to 2009, it's any one's guess as to what would have taken place. For her to feel so far gone from every thing we've been through, and to feel so close to her new boyfriend, to the point where she can't tell me that she loves me when I'm having an emotional breakdown is nearly unfathomable to me. I feel insulted on such a deep level, but not as strongly as I feel that she is utter trash, or perhaps a true whore, for moving on so much and so quickly. Now I'm at the point where I want to tell her that the person whom she cared for so deeply at one point has grown to hate her, and that she should not attempt to contact me in the future. Each time she does, it brings up sooooo many intense thoughts and emotions. I know I should just "not give a f*ck" and continue about my life. However, doing so is very difficult with periodic reminders popping up, resulting in me needing to post threads like this in order to feel a bit of solace. WHAT SHOULD I DO? Tell her off because I think she deserves to hear how terrible I think she is? Politely explain that her messages bring up too many emotions and that I'd like to talk to her when I'm ready? Ignore it all and focus on more productive things? I feel like I want to do all three! If some one could share their perspective or a bit of insight on my dilemma, I would appreciate it greatly since I definitely do not want to be irrational when addressing such an intense emotional situation. It's tough man, but just move on. The problem is, if you vent to her, she wont' care. But you will if you send her something and she either doesn't reply, or is rude or arrogant in a response. Trust me, you won't feel better.
Taramere Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Really - just a brief message via a electronic form of communication next time she calls you. "**** off." You don't want to waste your time on anything more detailed. If she doesn't get the message from that, tough luck. If she starts twittering on about wanting to be friends or at least not wanting to have bad feeling between the two of you....again, tough luck. Bad feeling doesn't just get magicked away as a result of an agreement to not have any of it. You need time and peace in order to get yourself sorted out mentally and emotionally. I definitely don't agree that you should be contacting her to vent. Apart from the fact that potentially you might lose control and say something that results in a whole lot of new problems, it's just one more interaction between the two of you that prolongs things and that really doesn't need to happen. I'm sorry you feel so crap. It will get better, but from the sound of things you've been in the kind of relationship where the two of you formed a level of dependence on eachother that sounds really unhealthy. She would have killed herself if she hadn't met you? What basis is that for a mature, healthy and happy relationship? It's a recipe for drama, that's all. Your task now should probably be to train yourself to look forward and focus on what healthy relationships look like...rather than keep looking back at this train-wreck you've got out of. But from the sound of things, you'll need a fair bit of help with that. Partners or friends don't make good therapists. If your emotional problems were so intense that you had a breakdown, then that's something that requires professional intervention. It's certainly not something that a girlfriend or ex girlfriend who's got at least one suicide attempt under her belt is equipped to help you deal with.
GrayClouds Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 She is messing with your head trying to get a reaction. Are you going to let her have you break NC? It you do she get what she wants, her ego stroked and relieve her guilt, by showing "hatred" it will reinforce to her she was smart to leave. DO NOT GIVE HER THAT. You two sounded codependent, spend some time on yourself to work out your issues that lead to it. Your are stronger then you think.
Heartford Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Hi Maxwell, I'm having similar thoughts as you are, although not as far along in a breakup as you are. I have thoughts of calling him and venting my anger or of calling him and calmly asking for an explanation. But I don't feel either will do any good. I think that hatred is akin with love, so if she knows how much hatred you're feeling toward her, she'll know how strong your feelings for her really are. Do you want her to know that? And as northstar said, how will you handle any type of response or non-response she might give you? Even if you calmly contact her and tell her you want no contact at this time, how will you feel if she ignores you and contacts you in 2 weeks or something? The time for friendship is not now. You need time and space to heal and move on. When you feel nothing toward her, when you feel indifferent, that is the time when you might be able to maintain a friendship. Right now she is not your friend, she is someone who broke your heart, and did so thru deception.
gd26 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I understand the reasons for your hurt... I truly do. It hurts very much to mean so much to someone one day, and then later feel like the special memories you shared with the other person meant nothing to him/her. I know this pain very well myself. However, I don't think your behavior is honorable at all. It seems really ugly actually. If you really cared for her and truly love her... then just do the right thing, and be happy that she's happy and no longer suicidal, even if that means she's with someone else now. Thinking evil thoughts towards her is just not nice, and you are the only one who gets hurt by those thoughts, not her. I'm not at all suggesting that you should be her doormat. If you ever hear from her further, you can simply let her know that you are happy for her, and completely stay out of her life. No need to try to guilt trip her, manipulate her or make her feel bad. Just leave her alone to be happy with whoever she chooses. I know this is much easier said than done (I know this firsthand), but really that is the only decent thing to do.
Author Maxwell Sage Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 You guys are right... I feel better moving on than I do when considering any other option. Although I'm still trying to understand and come to terms with how she could be so cold hearted towards me in my time of need.
brock9911 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 maxwell...iv found that regardless of weather or not they love you or not, your never gonna be happy with the outcome. if she says she loves you, your gonna dwell on the fact of y arent we together than or why cant we work on this. and if she says she doesnt than your gona ask how she cant after all this time yada yada. honestly, NO CONTACT. iv been on it for probably 3-4 months and i still think of her. but to have that constant reminder sux. she contacted me for my bday, and for the anniversary of my fathers passing, neither of which were easy for me to deal with with out her being there. but i stayed strong. have respect for yourself its the only way to feel better. iv had a few mental breakdowns bro. i have anxiety, ocd and depression. all of which have been triggered here and there. but this has actually made me stronger in controlling it. and it will for you also, in time. best thing iv found when my minds racing, put the pen to the paper and write like a motha f*cka. iv been writing short poems like crazy, and its insane the ideas that pop out of your head when your in mental anguish. try it dude
Author Maxwell Sage Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Thank you. Hearing someone be empathetic enough to say "I'm sorry" helps. =) I feel you though, Brock. I write music, but it's hard to do so unless my mind is clear.
wondering_girl Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 i feel your pain maxwell, it HURTS, very bad, i know how you feel and i'm sorry we're all going through this... i want to do the same thing with my ex-bf but i'm thinking it will not do any good, the last time we attempted to talk, he was just rude and it made me feel worse even professing my love for him and he just stared... the more i tried to talk to him the more he pushes me away and makes me feel even crappier, i'm thinking when she's ready to talk she'll come around but since she has a new person, i'm not sure... you're right you would think after all those years they owe us an explanation right? it just shows how much respect they had for the relationship, i'm getting even a little angry writing this post.. it hurts, i feel like i don't know him anymore and i'm sure you feel the same way about her, he's changed to a person i don't even know to ME at least, i'm sure to everyone else he's still "cool" he treats me like i'm a stranger with a contagious disease. how awful. so after that, i don't wanna call anymore, i wanna forget his number too.
Author Maxwell Sage Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Man. You depicted how I feel about my situation so accurately. Do you use aim? It would be nice to have someone to chat with when this is on my mind.
wondering_girl Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 yeah, maxwell for real wth it's pissing me off, i'm sad i'm mad everything else my IM is : wonderinggirl29 anything i can do to help, heck i can't even help myself either
GrayClouds Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 best thing iv found when my minds racing, put the pen to the paper and write like a motha f*cka. Solid advice, hell I cant even make out half of what I write but just writing gets it out. But it has to be pen and paper, typing just doesnt do it.
brock9911 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 grayclouds- true, just the aggressiveness of how you write it on paper. the intensity and even when you notice something you wrote sux, it feels so much better to crumple that paper in your hands rather than hit backspace haha.
aloneinseattle Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I know whats your going through maxwell, I have had NC for 30 days now. The best thing you can do is keep the NC do no contact her, or she will feel like she is the one in control of the situation best thing to do is just move on. I am doing it and so can you. I still love my ex and miss her but, is it really worth loving and missing someone who abandoned you when you needed them the most? Something to think about. I know the frustration of losing her turns into anger but try to take that negative energy and make it positive like working out or doing something you enjoy. Before you know it you will look back and laugh because you will meet someone so much better, and you will wonder how you put up with her for so long. Time heals everything just give it time friend.
Author Maxwell Sage Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 I sincerely hope you're right about the part where I meet someone so much better!
Angel1111 Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I can see why this hurt you so much. If I had been in her shoes, I would've said something along the lines of, "You know there will always be a part of me that loves you." I don't know why that was so hard to say unless she walked away from you more angry than you realize, or she just didn't quite know how to say it without feeling like she might be leading you on. But, I don't know what the big deal would've been to say something that was true and kind at a time when you needed it. I'm sorry that happened to you. I think you need to tell her how that made you feel and that you're having trouble getting past it.
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