relationship and dogs

[gigi421]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We broke up for about 6 months at one point, got back together around 9 months ago. We want our relationship to move forward (move into together for one), as we've seemed to work out the issues we had, but we can't. The issue we have now involves our dogs.

 

While we were broken up we had virtually no contact and we both happened to get dogs in the same month. His dog, which had been rescued from dog fighting and was used as the "bait" dog, cannot be around other animals--his dog wants to kill them. Obviously, we cannot live together with our pets. I can't even bring my dog to his house, which annoys me because my dog goes everywhere with me.

 

What would your advice be? Giving up my dog is not an option. I love my dog more than I've ever loved any man (I know, I sound probably sound crazy!) His dog might be put down if he found a new home for it, as it is a pit and very animal aggressive.

 

Do you think owning a dog is a reason not to have the relationship you want?

[carhill]

I've found, when a person values their perspective on an animal more than that on a person, that's good information.

 

In this instance, the man greatly values his aggressive, formerly part of illegal dog-fighting, pit-bull terrier. He perhaps values it more than potential relationships. Let him

 

As a compromise, he could consider taking his dog to a professional trainer to evaluate the dog's aggressiveness with an opposite-sex dog, if yours is opposite sex. Sometimes, with certain animals, trained properly, that can work out.

 

Kinda like people

[Taramere]

What would your advice be? Giving up my dog is not an option. I love my dog more than I've ever loved any man (I know, I sound probably sound crazy!)

 

I don't know about the loving your dog more than any man part, but I do identify with the sense of responsibility you get for a pet. Especially dogs, as they adore and rely on their owners so much. Casually getting rid of a dog because it was suddenly an inconvenience is....well, a person either gets why that's just not an option, or they don't.

 

His dog isn't just an inconvenience though; it's a dangerous animal - that, from the sound of things, can't have much of a life given that it has to be kept away from other dogs all the time. Presumably it also has to be kept on a lead or shut away whenever other people are around too, due to its aggressive and unpredictable nature. I can't see the fun in owning a dog like that at all. Can't be much fun for the dog either.

 

Do you think owning a dog is a reason not to have the relationship you want?

 

It shouldn't be. Generally dogs would sort out a hierarchy and then get along reasonably well....so you wouldn't be presented with this problem. I think your guy has the problem in that he's insisting on owning a dangerous pet. Whether it's you with your dog, or a girlfriend who is afraid of dogs, or a girlfriend with children it might bite, I think his killer pit bull would present a relationship problem for him.

 

He's saddled himself with a real anti-social problem there, from the sound of it. But if he can't come to that conclusion himself, and do something about it (bluntly, have the dog put down because) what do you do? I know I wouldn't be abandoning any dog I owned lightly, and particularly not in those circumstances. If I had to get rid of it I'd be finding a home that I vetted really carefully. Or, preferably, with a relative.

[Thornton]

I kind of feel sorry for your bf's dog - it's had a very hard time and it doesn't deserve to be dumped because it (quite understandably) doesn't get on with other dogs. I think this problem can be fixed, but it may require a professional dog psychologist or trainer. You could also try posting on some dog training forums for advice.

 

The first thing to work on is training both dogs separately to be calm and well behaved - obedience classes would help with this. You need to make them behave better in general, respond to basic commands etc, so they'll behave better when they're together. It's easy to assume that his dog is the problem, but your dog is probably also contributing to the issue by being overly friendly towards his dog - your dog bouncing and sniffing is probably what's setting his dog off. If your dog was trained to behave with calm disinterest, his dog would be less aggressive.

 

Introducing your dogs should also involve lots of treats - distract his dog with something yummy so it gets used to associating a pleasant experience with the presence of your dog, and the dog will be focusing more on the food than on the other dog. The next step is persuading them to see each other as pack members - feed them together, walk them together, etc. Walking them together is actually a great way to solve this sort of problem, because the dogs will be too interested in the smells around them to fight with each other, and you can gradually bring them closer together while walking and get them used to being around each other. Of course, this requires you to be able to walk your dogs calmly and under control without pulling!

 

The fastest way to make progress might be to find a dog trainer who can bring along a calm and well trained dog to help his dog learn how to socialise with other animals again - if your dog is untrained it's probably worsening the problem. Once his dog is used to another dog, it'll be easier to get him used to your dog.

 

Obviously I'm not a dog trainer, so my advice is only very general, but there are many good dog training forums where you can get advice. Please don't abandon his dog; it's had a tough enough life already without being abandoned and possibly abused again. It's had a bad experience and it just needs a bit of love and attention to enable it to socialise properly with other dogs.

[carhill]

As a breed, pit bulls tend to be people-dependent and dog-aggressive. One of the most damaging things done to the breed is to deny them human interaction. Much like childhood abuse traumatizes a person for life, so it is with a dog so abused. It's unlikely, IMO, that the dog will ever be a comfortable companion for another dog, especially one of the same sex. OP, how does your BF feel about professional dog training? Have him watch the "Dog whisperer" on TV if you get National Geographic Channel on cable/sat. I was skeptical of Cesar's methods at first, but came to see the psychology of the process for both the animal and the owner. It's a synergistic process. I saw aspects of our MC experience in it, not that I'm a dog or anything

 

Anyway, hope it works out

[stace79]

I am wondering if it would be possible to get a place together where his dog could have it's own place in the house, away from your dog? I am a dog-lover all the way around, and I have nothing against pit bulls, but I would be concerned even with the best dog trainer in the country that the pit might still be unpredictable.

 

I do agree though that you should be able to figure this situation out. It seems like both of you are willing to try and both are committed to taking good care of each dog. That is definitely a start. I'd be curious to know where you go next with this problem.

[Trialbyfire]

As you're going to "his" house, I don't understand why you're annoyed that you can't bring your dog.

 

What's preventing this relationship from continuing? I don't see why the two of you can't live separately with your respective dogs, and remain in a relationship.

[carhill]

It's the 'Brady' effect. Dogs are like children.

[laRubiaBonita]

just out of curiosity gigi421- what type of dog did you get?

 

i care a lot about animals, and i personally am with taramere on people that get inconvenienced with their pets and get rid of them.... to me that looks like poor poor planning, not to mention the stress it puts the pet through.

 

pitts on the other hand- i think they CAN be awesome dogs- but they can also be highly aggressive and are big enough and strong enough to be lethal.

 

i can't say one way or another on your current predicament- other than be kind to your pets- as your took the responsibilty to care for them.

[nobody's girl]

You can look into a professional trainer, but don't expect too much. I love pitties, my "nephew" is a red nosed pit, but many bully breeds tend to be dog aggressive and there isn't much chance of changing them, it's just the way the bullies (and terriers) are.

 

I do know several people with dog aggressive dogs in a multi-dog household. It takes a lot of extra work, but it is possible. It usually requires compartmentalizing - giving each dog its own space and never letting the other dog into that space. You and your bf will have to do double-duty spending time with each of them. You have to set up a schedule to rotate them going out in the yard, etc. But with a little work, and a large enough house & yard, it can be done.

[boogieboy]

I'm suspicious of how much you actually value this relationship, that you worked so hard to reconcile. I really wonder how much you actually love this guy when you want to sacrifice this relationship over a dog. If I had a choice, the dog would go out the window for the woman I love. I think you really need to re-evaluate your relationship if you'd can your man before your dog.

 

Other than that, I suggest sending his dog to the pound. I also hope he doesnt put his dog before you.

[WineCountry]

I have owned american Pitbull Terriers for years. You cannot "train" dog aggression out of a breed that is dog aggressive, as you never know when it can creep up, but it most certainly can be managed. And you manage the 'dog' itself. Meaning, he needs to get some training done with the dog so that first, he has control over the dog, and the dog obeys and responds to basic commands like sit, down, stay, no, etc.

Basic commands, and just general manners. This is a must.

 

Now, have you guys thought of just keeping the dogs seperated? I have owned everything from pitbulls, rottweilers, german shepherds, etc. Some dogs wont get along, REGARDLESS of breed. My female pitbull that i have can get along with most dogs. This is HER personality. My male pitbull can only get along with CERTAIN types of dogs. That is HIS personality. My German shepherd male tends to be a bit bossy with some dogs, so i have to know what "type' of dogs he can play with. Their personality has to account for his, and vice versa.

 

I have had dogs that could not get along with each other, yet i still owned them. How? First, I rotated their time in the house. When one was out in the yard, the other was in. When one was aloose in the house, the other was crated, etc. I walked them seperately. I have done stuff like this for years, because i am a huge dog lover, and have adopted and or bought all types of dogs in the past, mutts, purebreds, etc. And not all personalities have meshed together. So, not allowing certain ones to play with certain other ones is just second nature to me. It's not a pain in the butt at all to me. I know who can get along with who, And it works great for me. And i usually have about 3-4 dogs at a time, until they pass on due to age.

 

Plus..and this is the BIGGEST factor. The dogs MUST be obedience trained and also taught general manners. The more control you have over your dogs, the easier things like that are to deal with. They must see YOU as the pack leader. I dont mean to sound like a TV show, but it is so very true.

 

Any dog of mine can not like other dogs all he wants. But, when i put that leash on him, and we go for a walk, his a$$ WILL stay next to me and walk normally and not try to drag me down the sidewalk because he sees another dog. Or cat..or squirrel, etc. You get that through training.

 

And pitbulls are awesome dogs. They really get a bad rap because of the idiots that are attracted to the breed. I train my dogs myself, then i also take them through obedience classes to get them used to listening to me when other dogs are around. My female pitbull was the STAR of her class all the time. She just performed the exercises so well, that when we had little competitions in class, one person actually wanted me to sit on the sidelines with my dog so other dogs could win. :laugh: Yup, me with my bad ol' pitbull were beating those poodles and labs left and right. HA!

 

Sorry this is so long, but i am very passionate about dogs, and about pitbulls in general. You CAN learn to handle and deal with a dog in your home who is dog aggressive, but you MUST put the work in. AND if keeping them apart is too much of a hassle for you two if you were to move in together, them the best thing is try to rehome the dog. If he has a good personality with PEOPLE, try to find a pit rescue that can place him.

[Trialbyfire]

I wonder where TaraMaiden is? She's a dog therapist. I think her input would be invaluable.

[Island Girl]

The aggression problem with the Pitbull CAN be worked out.

 

It takes time and effort. Instruction will be necessary of course. But in the end that is all it takes is time and effort because the owner will have to work at it.

 

Pitbulls rescued from these fighting rings have been through hell but are in no way throw away animals nor should they be discounted as not fixable. This simply is not true.

 

If your boyfriend will not put in the time and effort needed - daily exercise - controlled walks where he implements the consistent "pack leader" communication to the dog - along with training a rules for behavior ALL OF THE TIME, then he needs to contact a Pitbull rescue that he can "sponsor" the dog to go to.

They WILL put in the time and effort needed for rehabilitation if he can't.

 

If he loves the dog he will do the work or arrange, at his own expense (shipping, etc.), for this dog to get the help he so richly deserves.

 

Putting him to sleep should not be an option for you. He deserves to live and be taught a different perspective of the world - that he CAN depend on people for more than abuse and he does NOT need to live in a "kill or be killed" mentality. That idea was ignited and fed over and over again. It is not their natural state.

Just like that idea was reinforced he can be given a new perspective and have that become his reality instead.

[WineCountry]

The aggression problem with the Pitbull CAN be worked out.

 

It takes time and effort. Instruction will be necessary of course. But in the end that is all it takes is time and effort because the owner will have to work at it.

 

Pitbulls rescued from these fighting rings have been through hell but are in no way throw away animals nor should they be discounted as not fixable. This simply is not true.

 

If your boyfriend will not put in the time and effort needed - daily exercise - controlled walks where he implements the consistent "pack leader" communication to the dog - along with training a rules for behavior ALL OF THE TIME, then he needs to contact a Pitbull rescue that he can "sponsor" the dog to go to.

They WILL put in the time and effort needed for rehabilitation if he can't.

 

If he loves the dog he will do the work or arrange, at his own expense (shipping, etc.), for this dog to get the help he so richly deserves.

 

Putting him to sleep should not be an option for you. He deserves to live and be taught a different perspective of the world - that he CAN depend on people for more than abuse and he does NOT need to live in a "kill or be killed" mentality. That idea was ignited and fed over and over again. It is not their natural state.

Just like that idea was reinforced he can be given a new perspective and have that become his reality instead.

 

 

As a pitbull owner, thanks for that Island girl. Not too many people feel these dogs deserve a chance.

[sb129]

As they say- there are no inherently "bad" dogs- only "bad" owners.

 

I also feel sorry for pitbulls because they do get a bad rap. This one sounds like hard work, but he shouldn't be automatically put down because of it.

 

I would be interested to hear TaraMaidens opinion on this too- she has given me some excellent dog behaviour advice recently.

[Thornton]

I agree with Island Girl - this aggression problem can be fixed, and it's not very nice to abandon the dog yet again after it's already suffered so much, especially when your bf already took it upon himself to rescue the dog and look after it.

 

Pitbulls are not always aggressive - I know several very friendly pitbulls, and I believe the Dog Whisperer on tv has a few of them, which are very gentle and well trained - he even uses them to teach other dogs how to behave. They have a bad rep because so many of them are trained to be aggressive fighting dogs.

 

If you genuinely can't deal with the dog and your conscience allows you to abandon it, please take it somewhere where it will be rehabilitated and not put to sleep.

[Island Girl]

As a pitbull owner, thanks for that Island girl. Not too many people feel these dogs deserve a chance.

 

I know. And so many people think putting them to sleep is okay or in any way an alternative.

 

I own a very large rare breed myself that is a guarding breed. And with training dogs for 31 years I have worked with them all - or at least that is what it feels like.

 

The stronger breeds have always been my favorites and are my specialty (Bullmastiffs, Rotts, Pitbulls, etc.).

 

Pitbulls are one of the easiest breeds to work with. They have happy souls and if what you want is made clear to them they will willingly do it.

 

This dog has been taught the world is a place he has to be wary of. That people can be generous but can also be cruel and he can not depend on them for safety.

He has been taught his life is in jeopardy when around other dogs and that he must be vigilant to protect himself from harm.

 

All of that is not his fault. NOR IS IT PERMANENT.

 

Behavior problems never are permanent but sometimes a person has to put in the extra time and effort to get the desired result.

In the beginning it takes more time and more effort - the maintenance is easier.

 

Living with dogs is incredibly rewarding in so many ways but like any rewarding fulfilling relationship it takes a little bit of effort.

[stace79]

I'm suspicious of how much you actually value this relationship, that you worked so hard to reconcile. I really wonder how much you actually love this guy when you want to sacrifice this relationship over a dog. If I had a choice, the dog would go out the window for the woman I love. I think you really need to re-evaluate your relationship if you'd can your man before your dog.

 

Other than that, I suggest sending his dog to the pound. I also hope he doesnt put his dog before you.

 

This is ridiculous. I would not put my dog to sleep or ship it off to the pound because it was inconveniencing my relationship. While I love my fiance, I also love my dog like my own child. I've had him since he was three months old, and he has NEVER disappointed me.

 

I would never let my dog down by being a selfish person and saying "Oh, sorry, you are now an inconvenience to me, so I'm putting you down." It's a living creature, and when you adopt/buy/rescue one, YOU are taking on the responsibility to care for it properly, for its entire lifespan.

 

The only times I think it would be okay to find it another home or put it to sleep are if 1) you have a child, and the child has severe, medically documented allergies or the like, 2) the dog is so ill that it's suffering, or 3) the dog begins aggressive behavior to the point that you're worried it will harm a person.

 

Otherwise, any other reason for "getting rid of" a dog is inexcusable.

[boogieboy]

This is ridiculous. I would not put my dog to sleep or ship it off to the pound because it was inconveniencing my relationship. While I love my fiance, I also love my dog like my own child. I've had him since he was three months old, and he has NEVER disappointed me.

 

I would never let my dog down by being a selfish person and saying "Oh, sorry, you are now an inconvenience to me, so I'm putting you down." It's a living creature, and when you adopt/buy/rescue one, YOU are taking on the responsibility to care for it properly, for its entire lifespan.

 

The only times I think it would be okay to find it another home or put it to sleep are if 1) you have a child, and the child has severe, medically documented allergies or the like, 2) the dog is so ill that it's suffering, or 3) the dog begins aggressive behavior to the point that you're worried it will harm a person.

 

Otherwise, any other reason for "getting rid of" a dog is inexcusable.

 

I didnt say put it down, just send it to the pound. Its a DOG. You werent responsible for its birth, you dont have to feel guilty if you had to send him elsewhere. A dog shouldnt take priority over a relationship that you are trying to salvage. And I was more talking about his dog more than yours.

[stace79]

I didnt say put it down, just send it to the pound. Its a DOG. You werent responsible for its birth, you dont have to feel guilty if you had to send him elsewhere. A dog shouldnt take priority over a relationship that you are trying to salvage. And I was more talking about his dog more than yours.

 

You don't send a dog to the pound just because it is an inconvenience. If you don't want to be responsible for an animal for its entire lifespan, then don't get it in the first place. Dogs are not disposable toys like Barbies or GI Joes. People like you are the reason that puppy mills are making millions, all while millions -- YES MILLIONS -- of healthy, normally adoptable animals are put to sleep every year in pounds and shelters.

 

Any reasonable man I would date would have the compassion to get that point and would work to find a reasonable compromise rather than just telling me he is more important than a dog and to get rid of it. You have a horrible attitude about animals.

[boogieboy]

You don't send a dog to the pound just because it is an inconvenience. If you don't want to be responsible for an animal for its entire lifespan, then don't get it in the first place. Dogs are not disposable toys like Barbies or GI Joes. People like you are the reason that puppy mills are making millions, all while millions -- YES MILLIONS -- of healthy, normally adoptable animals are put to sleep every year in pounds and shelters.

 

Any reasonable man I would date would have the compassion to get that point and would work to find a reasonable compromise rather than just telling me he is more important than a dog and to get rid of it. You have a horrible attitude about animals.

 

 

Puppy mills have too many dogs because people in there let them mate uncontrolably. That has nothing to do with anyone outside the mills. In Gigi's case, if she wants her relationship to happen, one of the dogs has to go if they dont succeed in training it, its inevitable.

And if I had a relationship I was trying to salvage, and a dog that showed up after me gets priority...when there had to be a choice made? I'd drop her in a heartbeat. The animals arent that important.

[stace79]

Puppy mills have too many dogs because people in there let them mate uncontrolably. That has nothing to do with anyone outside the mills. In Gigi's case, if she wants her relationship to happen, one of the dogs has to go if they dont succeed in training it, its inevitable.

 

And if any woman put her dog before me, I'd drop her in a heartbeat. The animals arent that important.

 

And why do you think puppy mills are in business? Because of morons like you who buy a really cute puppy when it's adorable and tiny, and then just dump it in the pound because it becomes an inconvenience.

 

It's not about putting a dog before you, egomaniac. It's about having the compassion to realize that we as people have the ability to ensure helpless animals are taken care of appropriately. That means if you take on the responsibility of owning a dog, you don't just dump it the minute it becomes inconvenient because it wets the floor, wakes you up at night or means you have to work a little harder to find a place that allows pets.

 

You should NEVER be in a relationship with a woman who has animals. In fact, you should probably never have children or date a woman with children either. It might affect your fragile ego, because you have to be THE only important thing in a woman's life.

[carhill]

And here we have an example of how to attract and keep a mate. OK, move along to the next exhibit

[boogieboy]

And why do you think puppy mills are in business? Because of morons like you who buy a really cute puppy when it's adorable and tiny, and then just dump it in the pound because it becomes an inconvenience.

 

It's not about putting a dog before you, egomaniac. It's about having the compassion to realize that we as people have the ability to ensure helpless animals are taken care of appropriately. That means if you take on the responsibility of owning a dog, you don't just dump it the minute it becomes inconvenient because it wets the floor, wakes you up at night or means you have to work a little harder to find a place that allows pets.

 

You should NEVER be in a relationship with a woman who has animals. In fact, you should probably never have children or date a woman with children either. It might affect your fragile ego, because you have to be THE only important thing in a woman's life.

 

Now you had to bring it to namecalling? Thats real tolerant. Im talking about the OP's situation. One of those dogs is going regardless. ANd I dont pick up dogs or cats from animal shelters at all. I dont need that kind of company. I never said I had to be THE only thing in a womans life, I just dont take kindly to being sacked because of a dog. Theres oviously no reasoning with you, you only read what you want to read, and not what I actually say.