Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Didn't you know this about him before you married? I seem to remember posts that alluded to that along with the Golddigger post? It seems you made your bed, knew what type of person he was and is capable of and know what to expect. You went in to this marriage older, aware, street savvy and with both eyes wide open. Not a naive 20 yo like Athena. Maybe I'm wrong, missed too many posts and just can't follow this story close enough, but please bring me up to speed or you're welcome to tell me I'm full of it and have it completely wrong. Yes I feel bad for you, as with anyone who is betrayed, but seems that this was always going to be how this story played out.
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 It can be used to imply "forgiveness" especially if you are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. 2Sure, are you still intimate with him? I know often BS's will want to reclaim their WS by becoming more sexual than usual, but you did mention that you don't love him, although you are very fond of him (similar to my having told my H that while I do still love him, I do not Adore him anymore!). And if you have chosen to cut off physical intimacy with your H, then can you do this for a whole year while you 'wait and see'... even more pertinent is -- will ceasing sex lead to Less Intimacy in the M, and therefore contribute to a breakdown of the M altogether?
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Didn't you know this about him before you married? (...) It seems you made your bed, knew what type of person he was and is capable of and know what to expect. You went in to this marriage older, aware, street savvy and with both eyes wide open. Not a naive 20 yo like Athena. (...)but seems that this was always going to be how this story played out. This is true... past behavior is predictive of future behavior. As a wiser and more experienced woman now, there is NO way I would get involved with a man in my future who exhibited a PATTERN of any kind of unwanted behavior in his past. Perhaps one can overlook a one-off experience, esp. if they have understood why they did what they did, and choose to not live that way again... but a pattern is like a firmly established way of behavior that is very unlikely to change. Even more revealing I think is what a person's behaviors say about what their true opinions are... what's really on their mind... if they act selfishly, and in an entitled, devious, manner -- that's what they are thinking!
freestyle Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Even more revealing I think is what a person's behaviors say about what their true opinions are... what's really on their mind... if they act selfishly, and in an entitled, devious, manner -- that's what they are thinking! Right on the money, there, Athena! Words speak, actions scream. Actions reveal what words would attempt to hide.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 This is true... past behavior is predictive of future behavior. As a wiser and more experienced woman now, there is NO way I would get involved with a man in my future who exhibited a PATTERN of any kind of unwanted behavior in his past. Perhaps one can overlook a one-off experience, esp. if they have understood why they did what they did, and choose to not live that way again... but a pattern is like a firmly established way of behavior that is very unlikely to change. Even more revealing I think is what a person's behaviors say about what their true opinions are... what's really on their mind... if they act selfishly, and in an entitled, devious, manner -- that's what they are thinking! And we too have talked, and while your husband's (2sure and your's) have much in common as the two of you too may have on the surface, there is a significant divide in your situations, options and what you can do. 2sure is much more prepared and able to make choices that you can't Athena. Just my opinion......
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 And we too have talked, and while your husband's (2sure and your's) have much in common as the two of you too may have on the surface, there is a significant divide in your situations, options and what you can do. 2sure is much more prepared and able to make choices that you can't Athena. Just my opinion...... Please could you elaborate on what you said above? As for 2sure being 'much more prepared and able to make choices' this is what she said Athena, Yes, we do have much in common. Husbands and possibly more. I do know my H's ..disorder..isnt going to change in a year. dunno if I am wrong, but perhaps she feels she needs to hang in there with her H, despite not much likely to change with him over the course of ONE year... she's not expecting him to change. She sounds like she is going to focus on improving her own personal situation and then maneuver herself into a position of strength --likely financial... as she once mentioned that her prenup with her H included that she felt at a financial disadvantage and had him agree to sign the house over to her IF HE divorced her... but what happens is SHE wants to walk away and he doesn't 'divorce her'... ie. if he doesn't initiate divorce... then I guess legally she won't get the house 100% ... In that aspect she sounds like in a similar position to me -- I didn't ask H to ef around on me yet some more, and yet he chose to do so, and if I divorce him right now, he very likely will get nasty with me and financially devastate me since his Earning Power is our source of financial security right now. Just like 2sure --she's between a rock and a hard place. He lied to her, continued cheating on her, and now he wants to 'try to change' and asks her to allow him to wear his wedding ring and to wait one year before she declares their M over. My options surely must be the same as 2sures -- if we are in a hurry to divorce, we can, it's just a little premature for us. Our H's both want to remain married. Our H's are the ones earning the big bucks.... Or perhaps you mean you see a great divide psychologically in my and 2sure's situation?
Author 2sure Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 I just have one moment and have to run. Everyone here has been so helpful in letting me work out my thoughts and see different viewpoints. Its very helpful and healthy for me. The year....I didnt give him a year to fix our marriage. Because of things like daughter's school, having to increase & change my professional work a bit, etc...I basically HAVE to stay for a year. Even now, both of lawyers are negotiating for each of us, whichever happens. He just asked, since we have the year...if I would not close my mind.
ForumFool Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 2sure, I hope you get out before a year ...even in a year but I pray sooner...dudes a waste of your time..he will NEVER change and you will not be happy
bentnotbroken Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 2sure, I don't know what to say to you. I hear you though.
gopher Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Basically, by your giving your rings to the OW, you did what he had already done by proxy. He gave away the symbolism of his wedding ring to the OW's by having sex with them. I think you're entitled to approach this with as much grace or harshness as you desire. Your story should give pause to any OW who thinks that their MM wouldn't cheat on them, after cheating with them. I'm sorry you've had to go through this 2sure.
Author 2sure Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Decided that really the thought of him wearing a wedding ring makes me ill. I wish I could get past this, because I know its just a symbolic thing...but so far I just cant. I was able to give into one thing though, sort of. He had some concern that I would eventually need sex, and would go outside the marriage. Can you believe he felt that would be a "deal breaker"??? I assured him as best I could: I promise I will not fu*k your brothers...No matter how much they ask. Let him mull that over.
MistyK Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 He had some concern that I would eventually need sex, and would go outside the marriage. Can you believe he felt that would be a "deal breaker"??? I assured him as best I could: I promise I will not fu*k your brothers...No matter how much they ask. Let him mull that over. Interesting projection. Sounds like he's already planning how he can get his needs met while you are trying to figure things out. (Since screwing one woman apparently wasn't enough for him, I can't imagine how he'd manage with none.) And how truly amazing that he thinks he can ask for your loyalty, sexual or otherwise!
MistyK Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 There is a cure. It's called growing a heart. Which, unfortunately, is as impossible for narcissists as it is for a person in need of a heart transplant. You can't really teach empathy. Imagine trying to get Ted Bundy or Jeff Dahmer to "get it". Not going to happen.
Author 2sure Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Oh, Lovely gets it. She was being sarcastic. On another note - He pulled into the drive last night so I could run out some papers he needed for a meeting. He had on a wedding ring! I laughed. Here I am wondering whether or not I should let him put on a ring for appearances...and after all this, it isnt even really my decision. When our marriage was "good" he secretly took off his ring to cheat. Now that its "bad" he secretly puts it on to look married. I'm not even going to bother thinking about it
Heartford Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Oh, Lovely gets it. She was being sarcastic. On another note - He pulled into the drive last night so I could run out some papers he needed for a meeting. He had on a wedding ring! I laughed. Here I am wondering whether or not I should let him put on a ring for appearances...and after all this, it isnt even really my decision. When our marriage was "good" he secretly took off his ring to cheat. Now that its "bad" he secretly puts it on to look married. I'm not even going to bother thinking about it Wow, he really just goes out and does whatever the heck he wants, regardless of you, doesn't he?
Heartford Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 By the way, it's sweet of you to promise you won't f*ck his brothers. He doesn't need to know that while you're banging the next door neighbor you'll be fantasizing about his brother though, so it's all good.
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