Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I am compassionate. And when my behavior is not...I regret it. Do I Love him? No. I'm VERY fond of him. Thats the pisser this time. Its like I had enough love in me for the last crisis and I told him that at the time...but again? I'm afraid its really and truly gone. Its gone now. I am sympathetic, compassionate, alternating with crazy mad...but mostly I'm just disappointed in us both...and indifferent to him. Sad part is...he sees it. I mean, this time he knows it. It breaks his heart to look at me and see that I'm just not feeling it. He has convinced himself he can fix him, can make my feelings return...but even I know, thats just another part of his Narcissism. I guess I'll tell him to get a ring. It wont cost me.
freestyle Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Given the sheer magnitude of his betrayal of you, frankly I'm amazed you're hanging in there.(I'm not sure if I could do the same) It takes a LOT of internal fortitude to be able to forgive. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to put a ring back on,even if your therapsit recommends it. Perhaps you could present it like this: When you regain my trust, I will wear your ring again. IMO, a ring is a promise. Until you're able to believe in a promise from him again, you shouldn't be expected to wear a promise on your finger....... Wishing you my best.......................
Devil Inside Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I am compassionate. And when my behavior is not...I regret it. Do I Love him? No. I'm VERY fond of him. Thats the pisser this time. Its like I had enough love in me for the last crisis and I told him that at the time...but again? I'm afraid its really and truly gone. Its gone now. I am sympathetic, compassionate, alternating with crazy mad...but mostly I'm just disappointed in us both...and indifferent to him. Sad part is...he sees it. I mean, this time he knows it. It breaks his heart to look at me and see that I'm just not feeling it. He has convinced himself he can fix him, can make my feelings return...but even I know, thats just another part of his Narcissism. I guess I'll tell him to get a ring. It wont cost me. I am so sorry. This is so sad. I think you are doing the best you can...but when it's gone it's gone.
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 When you regain my trust, I will wear your ring again. You know , if this wasnt so sad it would be funny. Now - I've TOLD all y'all how heartbroken he is. I've told you he is a Narcissist. And just to clarify - this is about HIM wearing a wedding ring. He wants me to let him wear one. My wearing a ring....HAS NEVER COME UP. I mean, it has in a where is it way...and maybe he hasnt said much more because he knows I'm not wearing a new one. But I think its more likely that his "affliction" has blinded him to anyone's empty finger but his own.
Heartford Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 When you regain my trust, I will wear your ring again. You know , if this wasnt so sad it would be funny. Now - I've TOLD all y'all how heartbroken he is. I've told you he is a Narcissist. And just to clarify - this is about HIM wearing a wedding ring. He wants me to let him wear one. My wearing a ring....HAS NEVER COME UP. I mean, it has in a where is it way...and maybe he hasnt said much more because he knows I'm not wearing a new one. But I think its more likely that his "affliction" has blinded him to anyone's empty finger but his own. WOW! What an amazing insight! Just WOW. Why is he heartbroken then, if it's all about him?
GorillaTheater Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 WOW! What an amazing insight! Just WOW. Why is he heartbroken then, if it's all about him? It was very insightful; my eyebrows rose as I read that. As for him, my guess is self-pity.
FreezorBurn Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Oh , no doubt - he is Narcissist completely. His cheating, his hidden behavior, his having sex with others.....is just a manifestation of his Narcissism. And to the best of my knowledge...there is no cure for that. I know this is little comfort But. I much rather my wife had screwed somone then have the "Emotional Affair" she carried on for over a year. I mean your husband never Loved and of these women right?
aeh Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 That's one of the first things I did was to remove my wedding ring. I didn't wear it for about a month. I have been wearing it again though bc we are working on things, and honestly, because now that school is back in and we are out in public, etc, I don't want to get questions or have speculation in the community. If I didn't have that to worry about (sadly) I am sure I still wouldn't be wearing it. Just received a text from my H this morning as he left town for the first time since his A which said how much he'll miss me. I told him his ex-wife would miss him too. I was referring to myself. He aske what that meant. I told him "since I'm not married anymore". He said he knew I felt that way but it's very painful to hear. Too bad.
Snowflower Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I know this is little comfort But. I much rather my wife had screwed somone then have the "Emotional Affair" she carried on for over a year. I mean your husband never Loved and of these women right? Freezor, that is an unusual insight that is unlike most men that I have seen here. Most guys are more upset that their wives had sex with someone else and don't really understand the "emotional affair" concept, thinking it is just a flirtation. But I agree with you...the long term EA is much worse than just going and having sex with someone else. I'm sure 2sure's H never loved any of these women...but there are a lot of other issues for 2sure's husband as well...I think it is most likely the deception that has killed that marriage as much as the serial cheating.
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Hi 2Sure. Your H and mine have a bit in common: Narcissistic Serial Adulterers who lie to cover up their tracks for years. I have a question about your H going to therapy... has he ever done this before (gone to counseling) and How Long Did it Last? You say you've given it a Year before you decide. I am assuming you are going to be looking to see if his narcissism can be helped (as much as I hear you say you know the odds are not good for this happening) in One Year?? I Highly doubt much will change internally for him in one year. From what I hear, a woman psychiatrist who specializes entirely with working with Narcissists, it takes at least several years to get through to them, if at all. So, in one year, I can bet that it will only Appear that your H has made 'dramatic' changes (because their specialty is doing whatever it takes to make them appear not flawed. So he will do everything he can not to show he is still disordered, but will endeavor to mask his flaw by appearing to be empathetic etc etc) but in reality he will not have done so for real. He will talk the talk, he might even appear to walk the walk, but, 2Sure, bSure he will not have become a different person in one year! And once the pressure is off him (if you accept him in a year's time) over a period of time, he will be back to his addictive fix. That's how it is. That is how it is with the disordered people. They are not wicked, just pathological and they simply cannot help themselves.
Author 2sure Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Athena, Yes, we do have much in common. Husbands and possibly more. I do know my H's ..disorder..isnt going to change in a year. Honestly? I dont think he will ever be "cured". Could he learn to control himself regarding this particular impulse? Doubt it. The year..well, I have things to get in order anyway. Lawyers are already involved. He has simply asked me , until then, to not be completely closed. I have agreed because...well, I'd like him to change and because I'd like to leave in a healthy way. You know, he IS a remarkable man, we were a good team. I sometimes wonder if he married ME because he thought I could fix him.
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 The symbolic meaning of your H's wearing a ring is that he is Successfully Married -- there is Nothing Wrong with Him -- This is how he wants to be perceived by society. He fears being 'exposed' as a failure in his M, and to him that will be seen if he stops wearing his ring.
Author 2sure Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Freezorburn... I have come to the conclusion that comparing infidelities only serves to make a BS feel worse or better depending on the mood. Like, at least my wife didnt bang him OR at least he didnt care...its all the same crap, relative only to BS and determining whats worse is dependent on your constitution. Sure...I would be devastated if my H were involved emotionally with someone else, as you are. I could take comfort that his infidelity was with random women. But I dont and I'll tell you why. I could compete with another woman, I could fix our marriage if it lacked something, I could change if I had closed myself off to him, or we could rebuild the marriage anew from the crisis. But this...it has nothing to do with me, the marriage, or any other woman. It is completely beyond my grasp. So...which is worse? Depends what day it is, depends what you can take, depends what shoes you've worn. Its all crap. Infidelity, to me...is the highest form of Passive Aggressiveness. And I am...whats the opposite of that?
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Athena, Yes, we do have much in common. Husbands and possibly more. I do know my H's ..disorder..isnt going to change in a year. Honestly? I dont think he will ever be "cured". Could he learn to control himself regarding this particular impulse? Doubt it. The year..well, I have things to get in order anyway. Lawyers are already involved. He has simply asked me , until then, to not be completely closed. I have agreed because...well, I'd like him to change and because I'd like to leave in a healthy way. You know, he IS a remarkable man, we were a good team. I sometimes wonder if he married ME because he thought I could fix him. Yeah, I hear you -- my H has good redeeming traits too. Did your H ever go to a therapist before, and if so, for how long?
Author 2sure Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Oh yeah Athena. The ring is just for the image, just like the blue blazer or the watch. Or even, Me.
Author 2sure Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 No, no therapist previously. We went to MC about 2 years ago, just a few times because he really didnt get comfortable with it. He knows he is a Narcissist. He is not blind to himself, completely. But its like having a bent chromosome...you just see , feel, and perceive the world differently. He wants me to help him. I have neither the skill or the inclination. Not because I dont care, but I mean...NO.
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 No, no therapist previously. We went to MC about 2 years ago, just a few times because he really didnt get comfortable with it. He knows he is a Narcissist. He is not blind to himself, completely. But its like having a bent chromosome...you just see , feel, and perceive the world differently. He wants me to help him. I have neither the skill or the inclination. Not because I dont care, but I mean...NO. Yup, I got the Same request from my H all the time -- he would ask me to Help him... and stupidly I would, for years on end. But I don't think they really <want> help to 'change'... they just say the words (any words at hand with any power) to get you to stay where you are. That's my take, too, on your H now going to therapy... I HONESTLY don't see him doing it for more than two months... then the excuses will start -- he is too busy, it's too expensive, the therapist is useless and YOU can do better to help H yourself, blah, blah, blah, bottom line: he quits going. BTW good analogy with the bent chromosome thing...
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I sometimes wonder if he married ME because he thought I could fix him. Don't lets kid ourselves: even though they profess to want to change, clearly they do not.
freestyle Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Oh yeah Athena. The ring is just for the image, just like the blue blazer or the watch. Or even, Me. ..........almost as if you were just an accessory....................
MistyK Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 You can't help him.. as a narcissist he is not fixable. The only thing you can do is learn ways to live with him, if you so desire. Learn ways to cope, to tolerate certain behavior of his. But speaking from experience, I would not want to. There's a book for this, basically how to tolerate a narcissist - "Loving the Self Absorbed" by Nina Brown.
freestyle Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 There's another book, "Disarming the Narcissist"(can't recall the author) It actually takes a compassionate approach instead of labeling them as "evil". It was an interesting read.
NoIDidn't Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Let me first say that I am not a lawyer. Being related to one, doesn't, in fact, make you one. LOL. But, I don't know if staying for a year without some sort of legal arrangements made/implied will help your case should you decide to divorce. It can be used to imply "forgiveness" especially if you are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. That aside, I understand the rings thing. He only wants you to have one on for public consumption, IMO. And that, goes back to my first point - it implies forgiveness. I say keep it off, and let him prove that he is worth putting one back on IN A YEAR (since that is what you have given the marriage). ((2sure))
carhill Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I'd remain ringless until a point was reached where I could with good conscience renew my vows. At that point, a ring would be appropriate, IMO
Kasan Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I think that it's commendable that you are giving your marriage a year. I am wondering if it would be worth having some terms in writing should you decide that you don't want to stay married after this year? A renegotiation of sorts? I can't remember exactly what your pre-nup was, but weren't you left without much? I would really think hard about what a year out of my life would cost given the fact that he has way more to lose than you, in the event that it doesn't work out. Oh, and I wouldn't wear my rings either.
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