2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 So, its been a few weeks since rediscovering my H's Infidelity and realizing that the scope of it indicates ... a man with a problem. A problem he had before I ever met him. Since then, I have pretty much exited the BS crazy train. Our main activity these days, individually and together is therapy at various levels of the profession. Here is where I'm at, for what its worth. I Cannot help him solve his problem. Even if I forgive him, which I will...he will still have the problem. If we solve every single other issue within the marriage - he will still have the problem. If I come to terms with any issues I might have - he's still got it. So - as far as that goes, he is on his own, at least for awhile. I have taken this opportunity, brought about by crisis to do some digging into myself, and ask some hard questions. The questions themselves have always been there...but really I never felt either the need or the strength to get answers before this. Someone here on LS brought up several books to me regarding Intimacy...and frankly, its been like a revelation to me. I have real hope as well as excitement that its possible that I can get rid of that inkling I have always had...that says to me - there is more than this. More to me than this. Some of it starts, I know - with me being an OW for a period of my life, when the main questions was "Who Do YOU want me to be?" Also on recommendations from here, and my own advice....I have formed a very small support group of myself and two other women. One of whom is my oldest friend who I called out of the blue after 5 years no contact. Surprise! Same thing going on her life. Anyhooo.... H and I for a bunch of reasons are giving the marriage a year. A year to see if he and his doctor have any progress and to see if he can convince me of that. A year for me separate his professional life from my own. A year to see if we can both find the intimacy and sincerity within ourselves and bring it into a marriage that has never really had it. Or to take , at least my new found skills...on the road. We are civil. More than that even. We have both found ways to laugh at ourselves and our circumstance, found ways to put his issue and my issue with his issue...aside for hours at a time for sanity's sake. AND no doubt...for the sake of his professional image AND to keep some privacy. As you may have guessed from any other posts...I have a real hard time not being sarcastic with him, especially during MC...so...I'm angry still. I am disillusioned to say the least. Our wedding rings are gone. H is insistent that he have a new one. I insist that he never wear one again. I am sure he is motivated somewhat by the need to LOOK married, avoid questions. I am sure I am motivated by the fact that the ring...never meant a damn thing anyway. The symbol of it, at this point...makes me ill. Therapist says I should rethink this. Am I being dramatic? Spiteful? Is this just another crazy thing I'm doing that I will regret , so might as well let it go?? Hard for me to say objectively, because I feel SO strongly about it. Thanks
foreal Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Maybe he can wear one, but you don't have to do you? If anyone asks you about it, just say a stone came loose and you are having it repaired? ((2sure))
MistyK Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 2sure, I really think your H has shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can't be trusted and he isn't going to change. I really believe he's just going to keep cheating on you. Whether that's by illness or choice is sort of irrelevant, the fact is that it just IS. As far as the rings, I think you ought to do what's best for you. If he wants to wear one for the sake of appearance fine, as you said, it doesn't mean anything anyway. But you don't have to follow suit if you don't want to. And he's just going to have to deal with it.
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Oh , no doubt - he is Narcissist completely. His cheating, his hidden behavior, his having sex with others.....is just a manifestation of his Narcissism. And to the best of my knowledge...there is no cure for that.
Thaddeus Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Personally, I think you should that the advice of the therapist on this (about the ring). He (she? not sure...) is coming to this without being clouded by emotion. I have to ask you this, 2sure... and please don't think ill of me for wondering. You've always come across here as being supremely confident, self-assured and, well, pretty damn smart. Looking back now on what you've experienced, were there any hints or clues as to what your H was like? Reason I ask is because we often hear that trite phrase, "trust your instincts" and permutations of it, but unless I miss my guess your instincts in this case didn't do much good. Just curious. Feel free to ignore the question if you're uncomfortable answering it, I won't be insulted.
Snowflower Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Hi 2sure, I'm glad that you're feeling a least a little better these days. Wow, what a rollercoaster this has been for you. FWIW, I think its a good idea that you are giving this time, a year, to decide what you ultimately want to do. You have been through such an upheaval that as long as the situation between you and your husband is stable and you are comfortable with being around him, then why rush things? Many times in a vain attempt to ease the pain, a BS will just walk away but not really be prepared to do so-financially, emotionally, etc. It's like they rush things for the wrong reason and make a wrenching situation even more difficult because the BS rushes to get away. I had the urge to bolt immediately after I found out about my husband's betrayal. It was a very strong urge and fortunately, my BFF talked me down and told me to think about it first. I'm glad she did this-it saved me a lot of difficulty. Time and space will give you a new perspective about what is the best thing for you to do. About the rings...may I ask what happened the the original set? Did your H where his ring before? If you are not comfortable with wearing a ring, then don't do it. A lot of people don't wear wedding rings. However, I find it interesting that your H now wants to wear one. Do you think it is strictly for appearance's sake? I personally would let him wear one if he wants to; it can be outward reminder for him of your very fragile marriage.
Heartford Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 What part of the ring thing does the therapist want you to rethink? That you don't want the symbol of his lies on your finger, or that you insist he not wear one? Seems to me whether or not you want to wear the ring is a good indicator of where you are in this recovery process (if there is to be a recovery to your marriage).
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Yes. I had red flags all over the place from the get go. And yes, I am a smart and experienced woman, I am not easily fooled, you cant play a player...all that. I dont know what to tell you, I mean I am kicking myself. Probably a little bit of...the white picket fence, a bit of "I can change him", as well as...my own confidence: WHO in their right mind would cheat on ME? (No one in their right mind , it turns out) Initially and still...I am outraged, hurt, offended....but also, I have to admit: Surprised?? I wish I could say I was.
norajane Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 The symbol of it, at this point...makes me ill. Therapist says I should rethink this. Am I being dramatic? Spiteful? Is this just another crazy thing I'm doing that I will regret , so might as well let it go?? Hard for me to say objectively, because I feel SO strongly about it. I think you're angry, and NOT wearing the ring is your way of showing it. Why would you want to wear such a strong symbol of marriage and commitment under the circumstances? In my view, your choice makes perfect sense. I can see that your therapist would believe that's a sign of giving up, or that it sends the wrong message if you are truly trying to work things out. But, so what? At this point, I think you are totally entitled to do whatever you need to do for yourself regardless of how it looks to your husband or therapist.
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 The Ring thing. H and I have agreed to , if not try to make every day normal...to not make it hell. We have agreed to , for me at least...try to come to a point that I am open minded regarding recovery. Currently I am not. I mean, I can hope for a miracle...but, no. Will I stay married without trust? I dont that either and I'm not there yet. Probably not. So - my feeling is...the RING never "reminded" him he was married. He took it off when he pretended to not be married and he put it on as far as I'm concerned, when he pretended to BE married. I kind of feel like his not feeling comfortable NOT wearing the ring is a good reminder of what he has done. I like the idea of his wondering if people notice he isnt wearing it. But, maybe this is trite.
GorillaTheater Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I don't think it's trite. A wedding band is far more than an adornment, it's an important symbol of love and, perhaps even more importantly, commitment. And that commitment is where, exactly? I can't say that I'd feel differently, were I in your shoes. With the possible exception of giving him a year. That shows far more grace than I think I possess.
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Well GT, I'm not lying down here. There are many things I can accomplish in a year that will benefit me should I leave.
Trialbyfire Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Isn't there some form of compromise to this? He can run out and get a ring for himself, and wear it. You won't until or if you're ever ready to do so.
GorillaTheater Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Well GT, I'm not lying down here. There are many things I can accomplish in a year that will benefit me should I leave. And that's the thing. I've been pretty sparing in my advice to you, because I really really have complete confidence in you and how you'll handle this mess. If you think sticking it out for a year is the best option at this point, I strongly suspect it is the best option. I just don't know if I could do it. But I see your point with the ring thing.
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I am not AS angry with him as I was...maybe because I feel somewhat sorry for him, a little embarrassed for him, and I do know that really - I'm the stronger person here. If I walk away, I will be OK even financially possibly better than I first thought. Him? I dont see this working out for him without a miracle. He IS in rough shape, he deserves it of course. Just a shame.
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 TBF - Our original rings are GONE. I flushed his down the toilet and gave my set to one of his OW, in a crazy moment. He wanted to go so far as ask OW for them back, or pay her or whatever...but Ive no intention of telling him which one, so he'll never figure it out. I know more about each of them than he does. So - I dont want a new one, I dont care either way really. He would have to pick one up if I can take him wearing it.
Snowflower Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I am not AS angry with him as I was...maybe because I feel somewhat sorry for him, a little embarrassed for him, and I do know that really - I'm the stronger person here. If I walk away, I will be OK even financially possibly better than I first thought. Him? I dont see this working out for him without a miracle. He IS in rough shape, he deserves it of course. Just a shame. 2sure, you certainly sound like a compassionate person. This will serve you well no matter what you decide to do. Be glad you are the stronger person and be very glad you are not like your H, which you obviously already are in a much better place than he is. But, I still think it is good that you can extend some compassion toward him, no matter what he has done. It will be good for your soul and your healing.
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Also, I think that if I tell him OK , get a ring..... It so sad to think of a man buying his own wedding ring alone But I will have to tell him, its just for show and it doesnt mean anything
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 It so sad to think of a man buying his own wedding ring alone But I will have to tell him, its just for show and it doesnt mean anything Just realized, thats the saddest thing Ive ever said
Heartford Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Yeah, it is sad. Maybe it'd make him realize a droplet of the sadness he's brought you.
Author 2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Yeah, it is sad. Maybe it'd make him realize a droplet of the sadness he's brought you. Thank you Heatford! Said in the NICK of time!!
MistyK Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 It so sad to think of a man buying his own wedding ring alone But I will have to tell him, its just for show and it doesnt mean anything Just realized, thats the saddest thing Ive ever said It would be sad, if the symbol had meant anything to him in the first place. But I don't think he's capable of feeling what you would feel if you had to buy your own wedding ring alone.
Heartford Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 That's the hard part of having empathy and compassion... you actually feel sorrow for the bad feelings the person who betrayed you might feel, even when their bad feelings are solely the consequence of their own actions. I hate that.
PhoenixRise Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 TBF - Our original rings are GONE. I flushed his down the toilet and gave my set to one of his OW, in a crazy moment. Wait....What???? You gave your rings to one of his OW?? He wanted to go so far as ask OW for them back, or pay her or whatever...but Ive no intention of telling him which one, so he'll never figure it out. I know more about each of them than he does. So - I dont want a new one, I dont care either way really. He would have to pick one up if I can take him wearing it. I am very nearly spechless at this news but somehow not at all surprised. I think you should do what is best for you. I am seeing in your posts that you do have compassion for your H. Of course you do. You married him....and in spite of everything you probaly still love him. Just look after your own self interest here. If it hurts you to see him wear a ring in your presence then say so and if he is leaving it up to you tell him no. Why should you suffer so that he can uphold his public image?
Devil Inside Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Our wedding rings are gone. H is insistent that he have a new one. I insist that he never wear one again. I am sure he is motivated somewhat by the need to LOOK married, avoid questions. I am sure I am motivated by the fact that the ring...never meant a damn thing anyway. The symbol of it, at this point...makes me ill. Therapist says I should rethink this. Am I being dramatic? Spiteful? Is this just another crazy thing I'm doing that I will regret , so might as well let it go?? Hard for me to say objectively, because I feel SO strongly about it. Thanks There are probably a ton of reasons why you don't want either of you wearing the ring. What I am picking up is that it goes against your integrity to wear these rings because of what they are supposed to symbolize...it feels like a reminder of the lie, and is a lie in itself to wear them. I think that you are correct in that your H is trying to avoid the the questions and perception that would come from him not having his ring on. I think that at this point he needs to do what makes you feel comfortable....heck the fact that you are still there should be enough.
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