JL911 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 SELFISH...Controlling...and very very immature... I miss the sex...I miss the companionship...Because really up until the past few months I thought everything was great.... I realize she has no friends simply because she expects everyone to constantly meet her needs without taking anyone else into consideration...Its sad...I feel bad for her...Shes going to be very alone in life... I have done so many countless small things for her...And can only think of a very small amount of things she ever did for me... I cant believe I wanted to marry this person and continue to devote my exhistance to her for the rest of my life... Worst part is I am turning 26 next month...I hate that! I thought I had it all figured out, I thought I had the girl of my dreams and my whole future laid out in front of me....
Thaddeus Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Some time ago I attended a memorial service for a dear friend, and the person who was giving the eulogy said that she - the minister giving the eulogy - saw that the world was made up of two kinds of people: givers and takers. Sadly, there are more takers than givers. Your description makes it pretty clear that this girl was yet-another taker. But take heart: Thank goodness you discovered this now instead of a year or more down the road, or worse yet, after marriage. Cold comfort, I know, but still... By the way - somewhat unrelated, but not entirely - when you describe yourself as doing "so many countless small things for her," bear in mind that doing so creates very high expectations on her part for you to continue to do those things, PLUS make those things bigger and better than the last time. It's a constant testing, a raising of the bar that eventually becomes so high that nobody can leap it. So just be careful in doing those "countless small things." By all means be considerate and kind and generous, but at the same time have some balls, some backbone, and the ability to say "no."
Author JL911 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Eh those things were like proof reading a paper...Showing up early to see her....Staying an extra night with her while she was at school.... Like you said having a backbone was something I was very good at...Which is why I feel it lasted as long as it did...I did love her...I still do...But I know that its just too much for me to want to persue her again....I just never will be good enough when in fact I am too good to begin with... I think a lot of this stems from how she was raised. Mom rules the house dad is weak and doesnt stick up for himself.... Mom was adopted and has some abandonment issues that she has taken into her reltionship with her daughters constantly telling them how perfect they are and how they are never wrong...I guess she doesnt want them to feel as if there mother doesnt love them....If something is wrong it is obviously the other person's fault and could never be one of her daughters because they are too perfect...This positive reenforcement is just creating some sort of alternative outlook on what life, love, and this world is. She walked away from a wonderful guy....That drives me nuts...
Exit Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I'm going through the same thing, realizing a lot about my ex, unfortunately I still have feelings for her.
Arabella Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I'm right there with you guys. I was so in love with my ex that I couldn't see who he really was. He would constantly lie, and be inconsiderate, and never care about what he did and how it hurt me. I had some surgery and he didn't even call me or text me to check I was ok - all while claiming he loved me. I gave so much, and now at the end I realize he never did anything for me but make me miserable. Arabella
brock9911 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 JL911, dude im there with ya. i was wit my ex for 8 years. we had plans on marriage and kids. i was just afraid to take the final plunge into marriage. low and behold she cheated and left me. i didnt realize how much id miss her or i loved her until it happened and she was gone. i also did so much for her and her family and its now all gone. i just turned 26 in july so the age is right there too. it sux... best of luck, you at least seem on a better path as of right now in the realization of who she was.
DustySaltus Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I'm about to turn 28 and I was engaged, now i'm not. But in hindsight, I'd rather be 28 and single then 46 and divorced down the line.
davo1224 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Yeah no offense but you sound REALLY self-involved. "I'm so awesome and she lost me. I feel bad for her." No you don't. You feel bad for yourself. I can see it just from your attitude of "OMG I AM SINGLE AT 26". 26 is something worry about? You aren't going through menopause unless this was a lesbian relationship so not even something like kids is a factor here. The relationship lasted as long as it did because of the kind of person you are? Gee, I can't see why she'd ever leave. You acting as if you're a bookend to her terrible life made her gaga I'm sure. If her life was that ****ty and you're so awesome, she'd never leave you. Maybe she realized she'd rather lead a crap life alone than a crap life with someone who only makes it feel crappier?
Author JL911 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 None taken, great post. You could be right in a sense...but I dont think it is bad to have a high opinion of yourself... So...really you knowing nothing of me or my relationship are able to find out what kind of person I am off of a couple paragraphs? I find that odd...Not to mention very very off topic on the matter and not very helpful in the coping section... I loved this person very dearly....I still do....At the same time I am able to look at my self worth as a person and realize that while I am far from perfect i was able to see my wrongs in the relationship and try to right them, while she was not...
davo1224 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Well that's important too. Saying you're better than her but not wanting to be with her is certainly better than wanting to be with her. Self worth is always good and something I've struggled with severely until about this summer. I apologize if I came off harsh but part of coping is realizing truth. Few people are altruistic enough to say they're disappointed that someone missed out on a good opportunity when it involves them reaping some sort of benefit too. You can feel bad about it ending but also realizing that you lost something too, no matter how bad it was, is important.
Author JL911 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I do realize i lost something. I fought tooth and nail for her at the end....I loved this girl with every ounce of blood and breath in my system. It hurt like hell when this ended. Im just starting to reazlize that maybe this was for the best and maybe I will be better off without her in the long run, I do feel that due to her social situation with her constantly throwing away friendships and now people like me who love her so much she is always going to need me more than I need her...
Exit Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I think JL911 has mainly been trying to provide the opposite outlook that you get from many posts in this forum, everyone sits here and tears themselves to pieces over failed relationships when it wasn't completely their fault. We ALL have good things about us and we ALL deserve to have a bit of confidence and feel like the people who left us are missing out. All things in moderation... you don't want to be miserable forever but you don't want to be arrogant either, at some point you just want to feel like "Screw them".
davo1224 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Im just starting to reazlize that maybe this was for the best and maybe I will be better off without her in the long run, I do feel that due to her social situation with her constantly throwing away friendships and now people like me who love her so much she is always going to need me more than I need her... But how does that make sense? She needs you more than you need her but she throws people away? Throwing something away is only done when you don't want it and especially not if you need it. This discussion strikes a nerve with me because it's the same fight I had over and over in my last relationship until it ended. For some reason my ex thought he was doing my life a favor. Constantly acting like my social situation and life was being bettered by him. Maybe you were making her life better or doing all these good things for her and maybe she felt constantly patronized if she was willing to let it and her other friendships go. I've had to weed many a person out of my life and I never "needed" any of them. They were poisonous to my life and did nothing but make me feel like I was the one doing something wrong. Hmmm, just like my ex. When in reality now that I'm single and am no longer being told that my life sucks, I've actually strengthened my existing friendships and made new ones. You need to realize that you're better off without her because she's not what you wanted. It's not because she's lacking because while the story might be elsewhere, all you're saying now is that you were her end all, be all. You obviously worry about being alone this early in the game so you probably unintentionally exerted pressure on her to be good enough to be in your life for the remainder of it.
Author JL911 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Davo, I see where your coming from when you write this... Let me make this perfectly clear without and exaggeration my ex has NO FRIENDS....0, not 1, NADA, ZIP...She has no idea how to handle people who cannot cater to her every need and kiss her ass like mommy and daddy do. In college she would get room mates and months into the semester they were bitches and would just stop talking to her and stop associating themselves with her. She would have excuses about dirty dishes, or people using her stuff, or hair in the drains, ect ect ect....There is some underlying issue to why she cannot create a lasting friendship, and I really do not understand it... In college I lived with 5 really good buddies in college for 4.5 years and probaly had 30 other friends (guys and girls) who frequented our house on a daily basis to hang out, drink, play guitar, ect. I had no problem making friends who I still talk to and am close with to this day. She became part of that when she and I started dating. My friends became her friends by association. Now no one will associate with her... Yes I do worry about being alone. Its terrifying, but I realize that I am a good person with a lot to offer someone, and I will find happiness. But I also understand that one person cannot be the key to ones happiness or meet your every need. Which is why you associate with more than just one person...Which it is why it is healthy to have a good base of friends you can rely on.... Did I expect this to happen??...No! If you would have told me 8 months ago that my ex would break up with me...I'd have laughed at you...Everyone on the second chances thread makes me sad, because I know where they are...Hoping wishing, praying, begging to get a second chance with their lost love. Really once they get a few months into their breakup they are going to see that maybe this person really wasnt all they made them up to be, which is where I am...I see the flaws of this person where nobody is ever good enough for her...whether its a friendship, or relationship, they all fall short no matter who they are. Obviously something has to be good about the person I am, because I was able to keep a relationship for almost 4 years with this person. I feel that probaly most guys a year in may have walked away from the BS I was dealing with, but I chose to stay because I loved her...She was very clingy and depended on me for her happiness and for her daily entertainment....I was the only phone calls she made each day...She relied heavily on me...Its amazing that I could stand up to those standards for that long....Which is why I feel very good about who I am... Her sister almost a younger carbon copy of her is the same way only WORSE and much more materialistic. She too...NO FRIENDS. She dated a guy I knew for awhile over a year. He came from a normal home where NO was a common thing heard. He again great dude, good looking, fashionable, patient, calm, loving, devoted, but flawed as all of us are...He treated her good took her to senior prom, but she broke up with him when she went to college because she was "too mature to date a guy in highschool.." He was crushed, he loved her... 8 months into college she was calling him back regretting breaking up with him...He of course had finally moved on and shut her down...Seems to be the case in break ups... The breakup occured with her almost attacking everything about me. Every petty little detail was not spared. My parents got drug into it and everything. It was extremely selfish and very very hurtful. I guess the sad part of the matter is I have been putting a lot of the blame on myself. The hurt was unbearable at first. However, I am realizing that while I was not perfect, I certainly treated this person good...Im just trying to find a way to hold my head high again...Knowing that my efforts were not the fault of the relationship certainly help... You are right...She is not what I wanted...I just hate that it took all these years and now months of sadness to realize it...But for the longest time I loved her and know I could have loved her forever....I know now...its over....Im ready to move on...
BackonTrack2 Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 JL911, dude im there with ya. i was wit my ex for 8 years. we had plans on marriage and kids. i was just afraid to take the final plunge into marriage. low and behold she cheated and left me. i didnt realize how much id miss her or i loved her until it happened and she was gone. i also did so much for her and her family and its now all gone. i just turned 26 in july so the age is right there too. it sux... best of luck, you at least seem on a better path as of right now in the realization of who she was. I can relate to this. Its best to give them what they want.
Phedre Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I am trying SO hard to keep reminding myself of the negative parts of the marriage because in my current state of mind I miss him so much I just want him to come home no matter how he wants to act and I know that is just crazy, no one can act however the heck they want to and maintain a healthy happy relationship. My close friends and family that know about it assure me (yes, as a matter of fact I am needy like that) that he is just plain not good enough for me and that I will find someone who shares the same values, wants and goals that I have. And I am feeling the pressure because I turn 26 on Oct 8th.. here I was, starting to feel excited about being in the 'right place' to start a family and all I was gonna start doing was filing divorce paperwork. But hey, thank everything holy this all happened prior to the addition of any children. I mean I know I am not old, but I'm not that young either and time doesn't work in my favor here. To my disgust and surprise, I did see a bit of myself in your ex and wondered if I criticized my H too much or expected too much from him. Not that expecting him to be faithful was too much, but other stuff.. that maybe I have this *ideal* in my head and no matter what he did he wasn't going to meet my standards??? I don't want to think this as he did make me very happy and content at times (this would be while he was cheating and prior to my knowing) but yeah, he just said I always made everything his fault and I just thought it was him tryig to twist the argument but after reading what you said about your ex I think that maybe I as too critical and no one wants to do something if they feel like they are just bound to fail Agh. *edit: i felt the need to come back and clarify, not that I think anyone will read the last post on a older thread but for myself... the things I want from a marriage are NOT idealistic or unrealistic. Things such as loyalty, honesty, friendship, stability, responsibility, dependability... yes, I want to love and be emotionally and physically connected to my spouse, but I also harbor no illusions that that inital spark lasts, in fact what want more than anything is the love after the new wears off. I don't like the getting to know each other parts or the getting comfortable with each other parts (maybe why I have no desire to date), I want that solid, steady, make it through good and bad, count on the other person always kind of love, not the kind that simply sets your genitals on fire. My H has never said that he no longer finds 'us' exciting, but he has said that he enjoys flirting and 'the chase' and 'excitment' that goes along with it.. and that feeling is something I won't ever be able to provide him by viture of being his wife. He also said having a loving supportive wife made it EASIER for him to flirt becuase he was so much more self confident than he was when he was single so he attracted more women. shoot me please
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