lovebubble Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 okay i'm 22 years old and my husband is 23. for the first year of our relationship, he was insanely jealous. over the years, the jealousy issue has been toning itself down, i guess.. but he still dosen't want me watching porn, having male friends, ect. last night, i caught him in the act of masturbating to porn.. again. it's the 2nd time i've actually caught him masturbating and walking in on something like that is just disturbing and makes me feel really low. i'm 5'7, 135lbs and wear a size 3 but, he's always talking about how hot thin girls are and how there should be a gap between my legs but, he goes on porn sites searching '' fat ass ''.. that really does something to my self-esteem. rewind 3 days prior, we got into an argument. he promised me he'd do something and he had to break that promise due to his family coming in town. i was let down, and yes angry, so i left the house for a bit to cool down. after that, we did not talk. i asked him to talk that night, i practically talked to myself for 5 mins (talking to him).. and he would not respond.. said '' he didn't want to talk ''. i tried again the next day, he did not want to walk. i was practically begging him to talk.. and he refused.. but, when he was caught masturbating.. he wanted to talk? i just dont see how this marriage is going to work out when we can only talk on his terms and only if he messes up. just seems very counter-productive to me. anyways, back to the point.. i know he has a liking for porn, which dosen't bother me so much if he's away ( he's in the military so he's away often ) or other circumstances but, it hurts me that he'd rather go in a room and do that.. rather than attempt to work things out with his wife? i've always had trust issues with him on the computer, and he goes into my office room and uses my computer for this? knowing i can walk in at any moment? this makes me think it may be an addiction, clearly he can't help himself.. or he'd wait until i'm out of the home or pre occupied. i'm just hurt and confused and bothered that i keep catching him in the act.. and i know he goes to great length to hide it. what should i do? what should i say to him? i don't know how to make this better. the main issue is that he dosen't talk when he gets mad.. and that makes him retreat.. and he turns to porn i guess? oh yeah the twist is, we have an amazing sex life. i often read of these porn addicts that waste all of their energy on porn but, when my husband and i get along.. i never catch him watching porn and he has a perfect sex drive. also, maybe i'm wrong but wouldn't this behavior promote infidelity? idk, it sure feels like it... the hiding, sneaking, lusting over other women.. it seems like someone like this would be more prone to infidelity?
New Again Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Maybe you can clarify something. You say that your husband "goes to great lengths" to hide his porn use...but that he does it in your office, on your computer, where he knows you can walk in at any moment? That makes no sense - doesn't sound like he's trying to hide it to me, so what does he do that makes you feel he's hiding this from you?
blair08 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Well now you're gonna get many people to tell you since your sex life is good and not affected by it, then you should have no problem with it. However, since you don't care for it and he likes it, then there lies the problem. Unless he stops altogether, OR you accept it, OR you both find a compromise, then I would imagine this will continue on.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Did you ever think that maybe he should be the one giving her slack Rnrgeek? Op, he shut down on communication and that really stinks. You are right that your marriage won't survive if he always shuts down anytime something gets uncomfortable. It's not fair for him to tell you you doesn't want you watching porn but it's okay if he does. It's not right that you are wanting to be intimate and yes, that he rather go look at porn then interact with you. You two need to talk to a professional. Does the mililatary base offer couples counceling? Why would he want you to have a gap between your legs? I am confused what that means.
TaraMaiden Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Did you ever think that maybe he should be the one giving her slack Rnrgeek? he's only saying something because he's spamming. He doesn't really care one way or the other. It's a great way to spam mid-thread and not get discovered.... Unfortunately, he's been discovered. And reported.
Author lovebubble Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Maybe you can clarify something. You say that your husband "goes to great lengths" to hide his porn use...but that he does it in your office, on your computer, where he knows you can walk in at any moment? That makes no sense - doesn't sound like he's trying to hide it to me, so what does he do that makes you feel he's hiding this from you? well, this is what makes me think it's an addiction. the fact that he'd do it in my office where i can walk in.. to me it just seems as though he absolutely cannot help himself. this isn't the first time i caught him doing this and the first time it strained our marriage for months so, i dont think he WANTS me to find out, he just cares more about watching the porn so he takes the risk. when i walked in, he immediately closed out the screen.. clearly he didn't want me to know.. but his penis was out, which kinda made it obvious.. and then he didn't have time to clear the history.
Author lovebubble Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Did you ever think that maybe he should be the one giving her slack Rnrgeek? Op, he shut down on communication and that really stinks. You are right that your marriage won't survive if he always shuts down anytime something gets uncomfortable. It's not fair for him to tell you you doesn't want you watching porn but it's okay if he does. It's not right that you are wanting to be intimate and yes, that he rather go look at porn then interact with you. You two need to talk to a professional. Does the mililatary base offer couples counceling? Why would he want you to have a gap between your legs? I am confused what that means. yes, he shut off all communication.. i attempted to talk to him for at least 3 days.. he shrugged his shoulders the whole time while eating a burger the first time, other times.. i was in tears trying to get him to talk to me and he kept saying '' i dont want to talk ''.. so then it's my fault that we're not intimate and he goes and looks at porn instead of communicating and working it out with me? i just feel so exhausted. the '' gap between the legs ''.. is where your legs don't touch?? idk how to explain it.. but basically you need to be like a size 0 for your legs not to touch.. and he's always encouraging me to lose weight even though i'm only 135lbs 5'7 and i do bikini/lingerie modeling.. but he goes and searches '' phat ass '' on a porn channel. and of course, he was looking up 3 somes with a girl and 2 guys.. his ultimate fantasy.. which he always makes me repeat during sex, wants to me say guys' names and i just comply but really it makes the sex annoying to me... whole nother issue.. he's just really disgusting..
Author lovebubble Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 he was really mad at me those first days 'cause i called his family that's coming down here '' dumb ''. i'm sorry but i have a lot of negative feelings towards them because for one, he never allowed me to get aquainted with his family.. i felt like i wasn't good enough but, his mom and ex were best friends and called eachother daily. and then when we got into a fight, he called his mother and put her on speaker phone while he was crying explaining to her why my finger was cut open because of him and she called me a '' peice of meat ''.. '' don't worry about her she's just a peice of meat ''... and im supposed to be extatic about her? seperate occasion, his sister calls him and hooks him up with her friend.. and she knows we're married. he proceeded to take her to lunch and the girl propositioned him for sex.. but im supposed to love her?
JackJack Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 he was really mad at me those first days 'cause i called his family that's coming down here '' dumb ''. i'm sorry but i have a lot of negative feelings towards them because for one, he never allowed me to get aquainted with his family.. i felt like i wasn't good enough but, his mom and ex were best friends and called eachother daily. and then when we got into a fight, he called his mother and put her on speaker phone while he was crying explaining to her why my finger was cut open because of him and she called me a '' peice of meat ''.. '' don't worry about her she's just a peice of meat ''... and im supposed to be extatic about her? seperate occasion, his sister calls him and hooks him up with her friend.. and she knows we're married. he proceeded to take her to lunch and the girl propositioned him for sex.. but im supposed to love her? And you're remaining in this situation, why? How about thinking more highly of yourself and know you deserve better than this. My guess your low self worth is why you are continuing on in this mess.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Oh man Lovebuble, there is just so much in your situation I don't like. I really really recommand that YOU by yourself go talk to a professional. I am sure that if your husband is part of the military they can offer you some kind of marriage counceling. All in all, he is not respectful of you and right now it doesn't seem like he is going to change. He openning disregards your feelings, tells you something is right for you to do that HE does, is telling YOU you need to loose weight because of this insane weird "gap" thing...which I hate to tell you but I think even if your a size zero, for some women, yeah your legs are still going to touch. That's a bone structure thing! There are so many huge red flags. I can't even fathom what man would take another woman out on a lunch date. And if his family is treating you like that and he isn't sticking up for you, that is so wrong. Please go to counceling for yourself first, then decide how you want to proceed. I don't want to say "dump him" but in all honesty that is what my head wants to say.
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