emmy Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Am in a bad way. The non MM but man in a committed relationship ended it with me last night. He had tried to end it three times. We have recently become closer and I have asked for more, which he can't deal with. After ending it last night -we had a long discussion about why he loves her and not me - not many answers - he emailed me this morning and told me they are moving in with each other (relationship 6 years, always living apart). Which, I believe is why he ended it - no room for me in their flat. I believe he loves her, and talked to him about it. He said that cancer had saved the relationship- they had been about to split - she became ill last year but recovered and I met him afterwards. He says he wants to give it a last 'try', with her. I think it is his way of committing again. But its odd because he also says he is unsure about the move, as he doesn't like too much intimacy. He also always expressed how much he liked being on my own. Whatever happens, that was a death-knell for us. I want to know why, after our relationship got closer and better - and he seemed to form an attachment with me, is he now deciding he can't 'divide' himself between two women and moving in with the woman he has been cheating on for the best part of a year and clearly has problems committing to. He was married for a long time and was faithful for about 10 years, so I don't think he is incapable of fidelity. I don't understand. Am also grieving so I know I am focussing on pointless things that don't affect me any more, but since this decision has effectively ended our relationship, which was quite good, I feel I need to understand it. Any advice welcome. ps he is much older than me I am 33 he is 50. I have no kids, he has adult sons and his gf has her daughter (not with him).
fooled once Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I am not sure what you don't understand. He said he loves her. He said he wants to be with her. He had a choice to make, and he chose her. I know you are hurting, but you need to accept that it is over and to NOT commnicate with him anymore. 1
hopefulInFuture Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I don't think he's such a big loss for you. Do you really want to be with a person who chose someone else? Although, I am not so sure he's a man with such an integrity as you say. He's strayed once on her and I think he'll stray again. What I don't like especially is that he's telling you he's unsure of the move he's making. I don't like such wishy-washy people. Run away as far as you can because in several months he'll be back looking for you. I hope by that time you've already made up your mind that you don't want and need him and that you can do better than him...
Author emmy Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Although, I am not so sure he's a man with such an integrity as you say. He's strayed once on her and I think he'll stray again. What I don't like especially is that he's telling you he's unsure of the move he's making. I don't like such wishy-washy people. Run away as far as you can because in several months he'll be back looking for you. I hope by that time you've already made up your mind that you don't want and need him and that you can do better than him... Thank you for your very helpful words. Yes, he may be back. He wanted to stay 'friends' which we've already tried in the past and ended up 'involved' again - I said no. And yes, the lack of integrity has started to really turned me off. I need to focus on what I didn't like and yes, I guess he's not going to miraculously change after moving in with her. Lucky lady! Thank god I haven't got to contend with that!
stillafool Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Also he being 50 may not seem like too big a deal now, but when you get 45 and he is 62 you will feel a huge difference in your ages. He did you a favor by moving on.
Author emmy Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 yes maybe, but it was difficult because I feel a ridiculous amount of affection for him, as a friend, if you can call it that. He was a good friend to me, and gave me a lot of support in other ways, even if he was a hopeless 'bf.' That's hard to move on from although realistically, it was a dead-end in many respects. It's hard to kind of seperate myself from his way of thinking and justifying it all and seeing it for what it really was. Like leaving a cult.
hopefulInFuture Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I repeat myself. Some guys are just too good at showing themselves as perfect men, much better than what they truly are. I think he tried his best to get you attached so that you would be hanging around waiting. What an ego boost this must be? He's a player, honey. Nothing he's done so far demonstrates the contrary. He simply knows what to tell you so that you believe he's the best guy in the world. Watch and think about what he's doing really. Don't believe in his words. Remember that his girlfriend believes his words too.
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