I know I should go but why can't I?

[whyme123]

My husband of almost 17 years abused my daughter (his stepdaughter) and I found out about it almost 8 years ago. We have 2 children together and my daughter (the abused) begged me not to leave him so that my other 2 children wouldnt grow up without a father. So against my better judgement I didnt leave. He never went to counseling during these past 8 years and I know he feels remorse but I have still found him lying to me about stupid things, he has done things that a person that has done stuff in his past shouldnt be doing. Then when I told him we were over and I was leaving he proceeded to go out and have a "night" with another woman. I am still in the house with him and I want to leave but then a part of me that still loves him doesnt want to. I have seen a counselor and he told me that its up to me what I want to do about the situation. For the past 2 months he has been going to counseling and says that he is changing his ways and he is going to be a different person. I dont know whether to believe him or not because I dont really see changes but he says they are mental changes in his mind. I have already given him 2 chances at our marriage now and although I am not perfect because I have a problem with being hateful and saying not so nice things to him and he deals with it but I feel he has gone way beyond what I should have to deal with. I know God detests divorce and I really hold that dear to my heart but I dont want to have sex with him and I only feel like friends with him but yet I cant walk away... Whats wrong with me? What would any of you out there do?

[EarthGirl]

uh, there is nothing wrong with YOU, there is something wrong with HIM. What do you mean by abuse, do you mean physical or sexual or both?

 

I also have a few other questions...how old was your daughter when it first happened? And are your other children still living with you and how old are they currently?

 

I would think you would be concerned about him doing it again to his own children. Also, what gender are your other two children? Although I have done some research on pedophilia and supposedly some pedophiles "swing both ways" when it comes to gender, regardless of their preference when it comes to adult sexual relationships. Also, some swing both ways when it comes to adults vs. children....some prefer children (I am sorry to be so crude, but this is just the reality) and if they do have relationships with adult women or men, it is more of a cover, a front they put up to seem normal and less likely to be suspected, or else they use the adult to get to children under their care or both. Others enjoy adult consensual sex (and actual emotional intimacy I guess, though I have a theory that such people have a lower capacity for empathy and emotional connection with others than most of the population-doesn't mean they are not human and not capable of feeling though- even guilt over their transgressions) as well as taking advantage of younger individuals.

 

But anyway some pedophiles wether male or female supposedly only abuse male or female, and stick to one sex...but even if your other kids are boys and they may (or may not) be safe from him, I can't imagine that you would choose to have them raised (if you have a choice, since he is their biological father and you may or may not be able to prove what he did to your daughter in court, you may not, but I would think you would TRY to get YOURSELF out of his life and at least get them somewhere where they would spend LESS time with him) by this man.

 

Anyway I just want to point out to you that especially if your daughter was very young...if you have some idea in your head that he would not do the same to your other kids (especially if they are also girls)...because they are HIS TOO...that is completely misguided...If a man is capable of taking advantage of a young girl that way in a completely inappropriate and horrific way, then wether it is technically incest or not is completely irrelevant to him and certainly won't stop him from doing it again if he has another child/young person easily available to him, he won't think twice.

 

I am not sure why your daughter would beg you to stay with him when he did this to her. I applaud you for believing her cause lots of mothers do not..but if I had to guess I might imagine that if your daughter's biological father was not there for her and you and she has some abandonment issues, because of that, and may not be thinking clearly about this. Therefore even if she is a great big sister to your other children and adores them, she may think that she is doing the right thing by asking you to stay with him because she has not had her real father around and she wants that for them...but that is not necessarily true and YOU are the MOM, the adult that is supposed to care for them, and it is your job to see more clearly and do what is right for ALL your children.

 

Furthermore, I realize that sometimes we can feel love for people that are "bad"....because as I said even people who do bad things can have feelings and therefore other people are capable of feeling real love for them. I know that ...well, actually scratch that, I have NO IDEA what it is like to actually love a man who would do something like that. But it must be a real mind trip, and no matter how much you love him, I just can't imagine you can EVER come back from something like that.

 

I think if you stay with him you will only get angrier and angrier and life will just get harder and harder for all of you inevitably. You have every right to be angry, it is totally natural. To me what is not natural is how you could stay with a man like that. In God's eyes too, I really think it is a greater transgression in his eyes to stay with a man like that who betrayed not only your daughter's very innocence and soul but betrayed YOU in the worst way...to act like everything is normal and to let all your children be raised by him....much more of a sin than divorce could ever be, in the eyes of ANYONE'S God, regardless of religion or tradition, if they are at all sane. In fact scratch my first question about your daughter's age too, because wether she was 6 or 50, it does not matter because it sounds like this was something either forced on her or manipulated, or coerced in some way and that is abuse no matter what.

 

I know this sounds harsh but you are in a harsh situation. I am so so sorry that all this has happened to you. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

[delajoonal]

Was this abuse sexual, emotional, verbal, physical?????

 

In reality, all are pretty bad...

 

So, i am kinda wondering why you the mom, didn't know better then to just leave..who cares what your kids say..they are kids...

They will grow up and say wow, mom, that was brave of you and thank god you didn't listen to us as kids...i mean really, you did this on your kids advise...???

 

I don't mean to sound so harsh..but really?

 

Also, the caps are because i started out that way, bad habit..

Not yelling, ok..i am actually very kind and understanding..

 

But this..abuse and you stayed????

 

Please post more why you made this decision..please?

[EarthGirl]

Exactly. I don't know how old your daughter is, the one who was abused...you said that you have been married to her stepdad for 17 years so I am assuming you had her before you married him, is that correct? I don't have enough information to know if she is grown now or if she is a teenager or even younger.

 

But regardless, she obviously has been through a whole lot. Again, you have not gotten specific in your post about everything (that is understandable, it is better I think to start a thread with general information, and then answer questions if you are comfortable as they are asked by other posters, it works better that way I think then a long first thread that is hard to get through...people learn the whole story little by little and are able to give better advice...like a conversation)...I don't know if you were married to her father and then divorced or you were never married to her father, or if he was around at all for her either way, or if she ever even met him..OR..wether he has been in her life the whole time, while not always a part of yours, and he has been a wonderful supportive father.

 

But I am guessing that that may unfortunately not have been the case (please correct me if I'm wrong)...And that coupled with the abuse by her stepfather...Or even the abuse alone, could be so traumatizing that she is not thinking clearly. So even if she is technically an adult, she has been through so much and she can't possibly be expected to help you make such a decision one way or the other.

 

I think if you stay with him and let your other children be raised by him, who are her little siblings...She will ultimately pay for it, because if they end up as damaged as she is someday she is going to realize that it wasn't the right thing, and if she really "begged" you to stay with him (I don't know WHEN she did this, if this was years ago when you first found out and she was still a kid and in shock from the abuse, or what)...she will carry HUGE guilt about it, thinking she should have protected her little sisters/brothers (?). I don't know how close she is to them being that they are half siblings and she may be several years older (again I'd like to know all their ages to get a better picture), but as a big sister myself (only 2 and a half years older than my bro) I know that you never really get over that protective feeling. Even siblings that don't get along and go through a lot of horrible rivalry, steal eachother's spouses, or the worst from some TV movie or soap opera, still have that feeling of needing to protect the littler ones... Even into adulthood, hell probably when I'm 90 and he is 88, I will still feel the exact same way.

 

Wether or not he abuses (or has already abused) your other kids (he may not have or may not ever-but again, I personally wouldn't take the chance)...I can't imagine that they won't end up with a bunch of irreparable damage by being raised by a man like this. And again that will not only be trauma for them but yet another trauma for their big sister. I hope you are not hanging onto something she said in the heat of the moment in the shock of the abuse being revealed and probably in fear and trying to keep peace in her world your world, and her siblings world, when she was still just a kid,or at least barely a woman and vulnerable.

 

I really hope that this "begging" isn't something that happened 8 years ago when the abuse was revealed and you are still thinking of it as an "ok" to stay in this relationship, in this family with this man who did this horrible thing to your own daughter. Cause if that is the case, I really don't think that counts. If your daughter said that you should stay with him when she was still a young girl, and not only that but after a trauma,and right after this secret was revealed which is yet another trauma, though necessary...if THAT is what you're basing your rationalization on so you are able to not grab your kids and run...That is really not fair to your daughter.

 

If she made this statement that you claim, at a time like that, she was not in her right mind, not because she was crazy but because too much burden had been put on her little shoulders. Again, it was YOUR job to protect her (not when you did not know of course, but AFTER you know), to protect your other children, and to see clearly when she could not.

[2sure]

Crap. You mention, in passing that he abused your daughter years ago and nothing was done about it....and then detail that he has now cheated on YOU and is now in IC, so you are giving the marriage a second chance, or a third chance.

 

The Daughter. Who is protecting her? What happened to her second chance??

[Ronni_W]

I believe it is a man-made notion that "God detests divorce". In any case, when there is abuse (of any kind) and cheating, then that entirely changes whatever covenants may have been made with God during the marriage ceremony.

For the past 2 months he has been going to counseling and says that he is changing his ways and he is going to be a different person. I dont know whether to believe him or not because I dont really see changes but he says they are mental changes in his mind.

Ask him for the details of his "mental changes" -- what are his NEW/UPDATED beliefs, thoughts, attitudes? How are those going to improve life for him, you and all the kids? If he can't or won't tell you, then that would be a strong indication that he's not really having "mental changes" that are significant enough.

 

Yes, you do get to decide for yourself what to do about the situation -- you may want to consider that you DESERVE a happy, enriching, peaceful life. You could also seek some IC of your own, to help you get clear on what you want and need, and find out if this situation really is best suited to support and promote you meeting your own needs.

 

Best of luck.

[VictoryisMine]

In one breath she (op) says .. I know i should go but why can't I?

 

My husband of 17 years abused my daughter.... I had to blink to see if i'm seeing correctly what i'm reading.

 

And then a counselor told you it's up to you what YOU want to do in this SITUATION?

 

AND then God DETESTS divorce? No lady, God detests children being ABUSED!

 

Blows my mind.

[whyme123]

Maybe I should have been a little more clearer, It was abuse I will never deny that, It was a sort of torture actually. He never sexually penetrated her but he did things that were very inappropriate behavior towards any child. and he did it for several years before I found out. I wanted to leave the day that I found out. but my daughter cried and begged me not to leave because of abandonment feeling from her biological father she didnt want her brother and sister to grow up feeling like she did. Not that every man out there, once they get into a new relationship dumps the previous kids and just forgets about them. but she was afraid it would happen to them and because they were so small at the time she didnt want them hurt. She has a great relationship with her siblings. I have told him that I am leaving and we are over two months ago and that is when he went out and had oral sex with some strange woman he met that night. Since then I have been working on getting me and my kids out but he keeps drawing me in with his sweetness that he is changing and things are going to get better and that I need to just let the past be the past. I told him, for the past 8 years since I found out I havent been able to have intimate relations with him without being like a rape victim and hiding myself in my own mind and taking myself somewhere else while the act is taking place. We dont kiss because I find it appalling. But he says he is confident that he can change my mind. I told him that it was very arrogant of himself to think he can just change my mind into loving him when I dont. I am here because of the 2 children we have together now. He accuses me of destroying our family and everything we have worked for. He constantly makes me feel gulity like me leaving is all my fault and I dont work hard enough for this relationship. I do agree I have been naive and stupid to just let him sit here for 8 years, not work on anything within himself, not appreciate me, and now think that all is my fault after all I waited 8 years and now to him its just a midlife crisis. Actually I feel the guilt of never leaving, I see my oldest daughters life destroyed, she is anorexic (sp) has relationship problems, wont go see a counselor, hates all men, quit school, and a series of other problems, wanting to commit suicide. I am actually leaving tomorrow to sign a lease to get me and my children out of the same house but the mental abuse he is giving me is unbearable at times and I am trying not to break and stay. I thank all of you for your posts and support.

 

Thanks