PhoenixRise Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I am curious. I look back and I can pinpoint when the affair started due to a noticable change in my H's attitude. He became more conservative. He started complaining about people who he thought were not projecting the "right" image....people with lots of visible tattos or piercings. He started saying that I was keeping him from going to church even though I was not a regular church goer well before we married and I never told him not to go and I even said I WOULD go with him if it meant so much. I found out when I called the OW that he complained to HER about my lack of church going. She in a very accusatory way told me my H had said that I was not a Christian..... 10 minutes later, after I literaly picked myself up off the floor laughing hysterically at both of them even she had to admit that under the circumstances that was a pretty stupid thing to say... All of a sudden, my H who had been pretty laid back about other people's choices became a loudly judgemental prig. Did anybody else's WS start running to the altar when they started the affair or was this my H's own special brand of crazy?
aeh Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Funny enough, mere days before D-Day, when the whole Gov. Sanford affair thing came out my H remarked that he didn't know why we kept putting these immoral jerks into office. Two days later, he was slackjawed when I discovered his A. Also, over the course of the A, we joined a couples class at our church. It was the most "religious" I'd ever seen him. He later told me he was praying to be able to stop. He also suggested we see the movie Fireproof/read the book that accompanies it (workbook). When I think back to how nothing could stop the A, it makes me sick.
MistyK Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 No, I can vouch for that too. MM was teaching marriage classes for the church during the affair. He railed about fidelity. I thought it was hilarious. And he made major efforts to attend church with much more regularity than before.
Author PhoenixRise Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Funny enough, mere days before D-Day, when the whole Gov. Sanford affair thing came out my H remarked that he didn't know why we kept putting these immoral jerks into office. Two days later, he was slackjawed when I discovered his A. Also, over the course of the A, we joined a couples class at our church. It was the most "religious" I'd ever seen him. He later told me he was praying to be able to stop. He also suggested we see the movie Fireproof/read the book that accompanies it (workbook). When I think back to how nothing could stop the A, it makes me sick. My husband was very loud in his disapproval of a friend of ours who was caught cheating and his wife took the twins and left him. It just blows my mind that he could so vehemently disparage something he was actually doing.
Author PhoenixRise Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 No, I can vouch for that too. MM was teaching marriage classes for the church during the affair. He railed about fidelity. I thought it was hilarious. And he made major efforts to attend church with much more regularity than before. Sheesh I guess it wasn't just my H's special brand of crazy. It was just general cheating craziness. Did you ever ask him why he had this reaction? My H has no coherent explination for this.
MistyK Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Sheesh I guess it wasn't just my H's special brand of crazy. It was just general cheating craziness. Did you ever ask him why he had this reaction? My H has no coherent explination for this. Not specifically, but we talked about it. The affair caused him a real crisis. He had his whole identity wrapped up in being a good husband/provider etc and he has strong religious convictions that he violated in the affair. He felt like a failure and was terrified that people would find out about it and no longer be able to look up to him. In teaching the marriage classes, he was very sincere and I believe he meant everything he said - perhaps with even more vigor because he saw how his marriage fell apart. He went to church more (prior to d-day) to try to redeem himself and encouraged me to go more as well. He prayed to get guidance on what to do. He did not really try to repair the marriage during this time and I think his views on other cheaters just reflected the anger and disappointment he had in himself. He knows he should have left his W first. And he's always on the lookout for divine punishment for his misdeeds.
2sure Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 MY Husband... Was more offended and disappointed when Gov. Spitzer got caught w/ his pants down than I was. He went on and on about his poor wife when she stood beside him as he resigned. All the while, he was behaving in the same way. I brought this up to him recently: I want you to know that if your career implodes, I will not stand beside you as you resign. I will be in the crowd, and when the shoe hits you in the head it will be a Farragamo.
freestyle Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 ...........what was that old saying, again? Oh yeah, the faults we find in others are those most prevalent in ourselves........... Seems to apply here. Classic projection.
Devil Inside Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 ...........what was that old saying, again? Oh yeah, the faults we find in others are those most prevalent in ourselves........... Seems to apply here. Classic projection. Bingo....it is classic projection.
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I think this is pretty common for anyone who finds themselves suddenly living in complete contradiction to everything they believe in and value. Once you start losing that part of yourself, you just try all that much harder to cling to whatever’s left of your identity. Maybe some are just trying to convince themselves through others.... OR maybe finding yourself with a vulnerable defense just requires you adopt a more aggressive offense. You know --- put on a good enough show, and maybe no one will ever find out what a hypocrite you are. Mine never got all religious on me. That would have been far too obvious that he had completely gone off the deep end. Curious enough though, while he was always a bit paranoid and jealous, his fears that I might hook up with one of the celebrity athletes that I worked around seemed to escalate during that time. To the point where I was reprimanded by my boss because of his constant phone calls and pop-ins. I was so busy doing double-time trying to relieve his insecurities and worries (even going so far as to eventually quit that job for him) that I remained completely oblivious to what he and my good friend were up to right under my nose. Sure is some crazy-making behavior, ain’t it? I want you to know that if your career implodes, I will not stand beside you as you resign. I will be in the crowd, and when the shoe hits you in the head it will be a Farragamo. Now THAT’S funny! :laugh:
Author PhoenixRise Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Not specifically, but we talked about it. The affair caused him a real crisis. He had his whole identity wrapped up in being a good husband/provider etc and he has strong religious convictions that he violated in the affair. He felt like a failure and was terrified that people would find out about it and no longer be able to look up to him. In teaching the marriage classes, he was very sincere and I believe he meant everything he said - perhaps with even more vigor because he saw how his marriage fell apart. He went to church more (prior to d-day) to try to redeem himself and encouraged me to go more as well. He prayed to get guidance on what to do. He did not really try to repair the marriage during this time and I think his views on other cheaters just reflected the anger and disappointment he had in himself. He knows he should have left his W first. And he's always on the lookout for divine punishment for his misdeeds. Thanks Misty This makes sense.
Author PhoenixRise Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 MY Husband... Was more offended and disappointed when Gov. Spitzer got caught w/ his pants down than I was. He went on and on about his poor wife when she stood beside him as he resigned. All the while, he was behaving in the same way. I brought this up to him recently: I want you to know that if your career implodes, I will not stand beside you as you resign. I will be in the crowd, and when the shoe hits you in the head it will be a Farragamo. :D This would be an instant YouTube classic.
Author PhoenixRise Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 ...........what was that old saying, again? Oh yeah, the faults we find in others are those most prevalent in ourselves........... Seems to apply here. Classic projection. Bingo....it is classic projection. Projection yes.....I should have known something was wrong. My H was never religious before this. He went to church on occasion but he was pretty laid back about it and he was pretty non-judgemental before the A.
Author PhoenixRise Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 You know --- put on a good enough show, and maybe no one will ever find out what a hypocrite you are. Sure is some crazy-making behavior, ain’t it? /QUOTE] It is the hypocricy of it that pissed me off the most. AND The deflection. Who would ever suspect someone of cheating who is so horrified when somebody else cheats?
MistyK Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 It is the hypocricy of it that pissed me off the most. AND The deflection. Who would ever suspect someone of cheating who is so horrified when somebody else cheats? As they say - the dog that barks the loudest....is the guiltiest.
LakesideDream Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 As they say - the dog that barks the loudest....is the guiltiest. So it seems.. My ex's #1 beef was "homewreckers".. she hated them with what seemed to be a passion, notwithstanding the affair she was in for nearly our whole 25 marriage. LoL, literally. I have actually chuckeled remembering some of her hypocritical rants. So it goes.... Good riddance.
FreezorBurn Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Yes, My wife w few weeks before DDay. Was bosting to a friend, how she fowards all the Dirty Phone text jokes my cop friend send her. She told her friend it's "So there would be complete transparency in our marriage." Makes me very angry thinking about it now. What a lieing B!@ch. She was getting 10 texts a day from the scumbag she was involved with and I nevery got fowarded any of those.
NoIDidn't Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I want you to know that if your career implodes, I will not stand beside you as you resign. I will be in the crowd, and when the shoe hits you in the head it will be a Farragamo. Hilarious. Will it be a size 8? If so, can you throw both? 2sure, you are a gem.
NoIDidn't Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I hate to be the one voice with a different experience, but my H didn't do that at all. He didn't think worse of the people that we knew were cheating - HE EMPATHIZED!!! That was infuriating to me. We know several cheaters and before he had condemned them, then he was empathizing with them as if their BSs had deserved the cheating somehow. This, of course, was another classic projection. Him trying to tell me that he felt I caused his cheating in some way or another. He didn't try that line of thinking once d-day came though. He made no excuses for his actions.
silktricks Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 My husband was insanely jealous while he was running around on me.... I guess he figured if he was doing it, I probably was too???? Afterwards, when all came out, he was very sympathetic towards President Clinton, but extremely unsympathetic towards anyone who was actively cheating. Even now, if we are watching a movie that includes cheating he gets up and leaves... makes for very few movies we actually sit through anymore...
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