Al Posted November 25, 2003 Posted November 25, 2003 How do other people in relationships get over their partner's past? Now don't get my wrong my boyfriend is great to me. I've never had anyone treat me as wonderful as he does and I know every day that I'm the number one priority in his life and that he wants to marry me one day. But I have a hard time dealing with things that have happened in this past. For instance, he is younger than me but has had way more partners than I've had which some of these girls just makes me sick when I think about them. He's been tested too so it's not like I'm worried that he has diseases or anything like that but I get grossed out thinking about the other people that he's been with and god knows how many people these girls have been with before him. I've been with two guys before my current boyfriend, both of whom were virgins. I don't know why this disgusts me so much but it does. Then to top things off, my boyfriend has a daughter from a past relationship. The girl isnt' even a year old but he has nothing to do with her. He feels that she is better off this way b/c him and the mother don't get along. He does pay her support and feels the daughter will have a better life b/c of his choice. He knows I think his choice is wrong but it's his past that brought this on and he's dealt with it in his opinion appropriately. Now he doesn't think twice about this little girl but I can't seem to get her out of my head. I've met her once and think about this child every day. Don't ask me why b/c I don't know. It's getting worse now b/c of the holidays, I think. He's missing her first Thanksgiving and gonna miss her first x-mas and doesn't think twice about it. I don't know what my deal is but I should know that everyone has a past right? Including myself, so why is this so hard for me? Why are these things I think about all the time? I mean, I've been with other people and it doesn't bother him so why does all this bother me so much and how the heck to I get past it? We have a great relationship and I love him very much. I just feel that one day my insecurities are going to get the best of me if I don't deal with them now. What do I do?
wiseOLDman Posted November 26, 2003 Posted November 26, 2003 Everyone has a past and only you can determine whether or not you can ultimately deal with it. However, I don't think it's really his past that has you spooked. I think it's his present. You see a man who barely acknowledges his offspring and are wondering how he would handle it in the future if you were to bear children together. He sounds like an irresponsible, emotionally bankrupt bore. And I think you're seeing some of THAT and you're wondering if you can deal with it. His past is irrelevant. Your future with him should be your utmost concern. Is a man who turned his back on his child one that you can live with?
Author Al Posted November 26, 2003 Author Posted November 26, 2003 You see, I don't think that's the problem. I don't want kids and he knows that and respects that so I don't think the problem is worrying about how he would react if I had children with him. But also don't think that I'm the reason he wants nothing to do with his daughter either (b/c I don't want kids that is). His decision about this child was made before she was even born and before it was even determined to be his. So the problem isn't so much how he would react if I got pregnant. Maybe it's b/c I can relate to this little girl and I know that one day she is going to come knocking on our door looking for answers. How do I know this? Because I would love for the chance to do that with my real father. You see, I used to be that little girl. My mom was young and things with my real father didn't work out. I was raised by a great dad though but I still wonder and still have questions about my real father. Do you think that b/c I can relate to what this little girl's life may be like that, that is why I'm having all these problems with his past?
moimeme Posted November 26, 2003 Posted November 26, 2003 Of course. Your bf is turning into your father. Do you really need a man in your life who recalls the pain of your childhood?
Author Al Posted November 26, 2003 Author Posted November 26, 2003 But I had a great childhood and was raised by two great parents. Questions about my real father are more out of curiosity than anything. I don't hate him b/c I had a great life and he did what he felt was best for me. But if all readers really think this is the case, how the heck to I deal with it. This really is a great guy and I don't want my insecurities about his past to keep coming up in our relationship but yet I don't know how to get them out of my head. I know the past is suppose to be in the past, but I need help!
wiseOLDman Posted November 26, 2003 Posted November 26, 2003 Al, I think you're definitely projecting yourself on his daughter and you have a lot of empathy for her. I don't think that anyone here can really help you get past your boyfriends past. It was what it was and there's no way to change it so you either have to deal with it or move on. I'm sure it's not an easy thing to do, but you have little choice. I'm still a little leary about not wanting to have any contact with his daughter tho.
Author Al Posted November 26, 2003 Author Posted November 26, 2003 Well if no one can give me advice on how to get over my insecurities about all this other than to leave the guy, can anyone tell me if they've ever been in the same type of situation? I'd love to hear stories about people who have significant others with children and how they make it work or how people have overcome their insecurities in a relationship no matter what they are regarding.
Princesa 0809 Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 I can relate to you because I am in a similar situation myself. It seems that everyday I am bothered or reminded of the things my boyfriend has told me about his past. I also get disgusted when I think about the girls he has dealt with and the number of girls he has slept with. Unfortunatley I can't tell you how to get over it, because I honestly haven't gotten over it yet. Some people tell me that I should focus more on how happy I am in this relationship, but I can't focus on that anymore because lately we are always arguing about his past and why he did certain things in his past. Eventually if you can't learn how to let go, I think the relationship will self destruct on its own. The focus on the past of the relationships your partner has had is not healthy for you or the relationship. It defeats the purpose of being in a relationship if your always upset at your partner. I think the best thing to do is to move on with someone new even if it hurts, and take this as a lesson for the future. For me, i've realized that if I move on to a new relationship I will not ask about my partners past. I will make sure that is something that is talked very little about. I see the damage knowing about a persons past can have on the present relationship. Of course there are some things that you need to know about a persons past but other than that leave the other details out
Stitch_Girl Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Well, reading all these messages I don't feel alone. Me and my boyfriend are currently on a mayor setback on our relationship because of his past. I try by all means to not let these things get the best of me. My boyfriend slept with a few girls in the past and thinking of this makes my stomach hurt and my head swell. The idea of him with this other girls gross me out. I usually think that as he played around with this girls and the got rid of them is very scary. I feel that I am trying to compare myself with someone that I really don't know. All this thougts of: "is she was better than me in bed", "is she was prettier", "did he really loved her as much as he says he loves me"... keep coming to my mind whenever I 'm with him. It's disturbing and mind wrecking. I opnly hope to get over all this soon. He is a great guy but his past hunts me
lilmoma1973 Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 hey all i can totally relate i am a step mom and being with someone with a child and past is so very hard!! mainly because the ex is in the picture and you have limits to what you can say and do!! it causes a lot of heartache when you are with someone with a child from someone else.. unless you can make the child respect you and listen to you it will be tormoral in your relationship.. the father will feel guilty and not make the child mind and think you hate the child no matter what you do or say.. if i was you i would get out !! don't get me wrong i love my h but it has been along road and very stressful
missopinionated Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 OK. Here's the deal. It is the PAST!!! It is over! What is in the PRESENT is that your so-called man has a child, which is in the NOW! His excuse that his child will better off without him is an EXCUSE and you're buying it. If you're happy putting your energy into worrying about things that have nothing to do with you, happened before you were on the scene and which your efforts will do absolutely NOTHING to change, then yah, go wild. I'm sure you've noticed that every fight you've ever had with him about the PAST haven't changed the past. HMMM??? Still in the past, yelling and screaming aside. If you actually paid attention to the fact that this guy is a user and really good at making up quasi reasonable excuses for shirking his responsibilities, then you would RUN screaming from the PRESENT. Here's the rub: in about two years, you're going to be part of his PAST.
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