Not attracted to husband anymore

[amylynn30]

I don't know where to post this but here goes. Hello to everyone-this is my first time posting. I've been with my husband 8 yrs married for 5. Had its ups and downs. He felt he was rushed into marriage (3 years come on!) and shortly after we got married he started to have an emotional affair with an ex. We went through a lot of counseling after that. I am not innocent either. After his affair we split up for about six months (I moved out) and I developed an emotional bond with another man and slept with him during the time my husband and I were separated. My husband does know of this guy and what happened. We obviously did decide to work things out though and have been together since.

 

THe problem now is that now, a few years later I am NOT attracted to my husband. The sad thing is he hasn't really changed (he is 34, I am 30) over the years. He hasn't gained weight or lost his hair or anything. I just am NOT attracted to him anymore and at times I am actually repulsed by him. I have no idea why. I feel so guilty saying these things because he doesn't deserve it. We recently went on a week's vacation to a beautiful beach. Went with family members. It was the perfect romantic location and normally when we go away it makes me feel naughty and I want to have my way with him in every new room of the house. But this year- nothing... We did have sex four times while we were there but I just wasnt' into it. Luckily the first time I was on top and it was over briefly. THe rest I really tried to get into it but I just had no interest. He was all over me the entire week, practically begging for sex. I was running around in a bikini all week and this made him even more in the mood.

 

I know I should feel fortunate that my husband still finds ME attractive and thinks I"m beautiful after 8 years together (I have gained about ten pounds since we've met and I don't have the body of an 18 yr old anymore) but I just don't want to get naked with him. And his constant suggestions and advances just annoyed me. I finally told him I just wasn't in the mood (which hurt his feelings) but I just couldn't take having to turn him down every half hour. I felt like I destroyed his ego or something.

 

I will go to hell for saying this but he kinda needs help in bed. He has it going on downstairs but he makes it seem like a chore sometimes to make sure that I enjoy sex as well. I see him as selfish in bed. He does try at times but it feels like I'm making him do too much work and I feel bad so I just fake it or tell him its ok that I didn't enjoy myself fully. I've probably had an orgasm with him 1 out of every ten times we have sex.

 

This week I hated him touching me. I hated looking at him. He is very hairy (just his chest and on down and I"ve asked him to trim or shave his nether regions and he used to but now its basically a furry discusting mess and turns me off. Also he seems to have gotten harrier (on his chest) and he is very pale. The combo just does not look attractive to me. Poor guy, its not really his fault but I just don't know what to do. He also has a very scratchy face (even when he shaves) and after him kissing me I have beard burn everywhere and it hurts. So I pull back from his kisses and don't let him anywhere near my chest. I am always involuntarily pulling away or pushing his hands or mouth away when he's trying to get into the mood. I flinch and I hate doing that but its almost automatic.

 

THe most horrible thing is I know its not my sex drive. I can do it alone fantasizing about exes or hot guys I've seen on the street or on tv. I also have been thinking a lot about the guy I dated while we were separated. He was always very tan and would shave everything off down there for me and he just looked so yummy. We did all kinds of things sexually (things my husband would probably never try) and he was so much fun. This guy didn't have much going on "down there" but it didn't matter to me because he was very good at foreplay and loved to please me. I could have an orgasm with him very easily. I would just fantasize about our last encounter.

 

Things with my husband used to be decent. I think I was more into trying new things or places than I was into the actual sex. But I used to be attracted to him. Now i just find myself sort of pitying him because I know I am looking at him in this way and I feel horrible and guilty. Sometimes I will throw myself into it and act like I'm all into it for his benefit and then I feel terrible and resentful afterward.

 

 

What can I do? Will this ever change?

[Devil Inside]

Would your husband be willing to see a marriage/sex therapist. I think it could help. It seems that there are many things that you need to communicate to him..and he may have some things to say to you too.

 

Also, in the meantime, start reading The Passionate Marriage..there is some good stuff in there.

 

I really don't see this changing unless you start speaking up...and he is in a place where he can take it...that's why I recommend counseling.

 

Good luck

[ladydesigner]

I don't know if I'll be any help here. Just here to let you know you are not alone. I FEEL THIS VERY EXACT SAME WAY. I can't stand it. I have to be intoxicated to feel like I want to have sex with my H, it's horrible.

 

We have been through some very tough times, times that would break a marriage, but we are still here. I used to think there was something wrong with myself and then I began to realize that he had just done so much for me to lose respect and that desire/attraction to him.

 

I have been trying everything to get that back. Date nights, looking at old pictures of us...nothing. I think my marriage may have run it's course.

 

Try IC for yourself and or MC. We tried MC and my husband felt like he was being attacked so that ended.

 

One thing I noticed I definitely don't miss my H when I am away or he is away. Pretty sad.

[bayouboi]

I will go to hell for saying this but he kinda needs help in bed. He has it going on downstairs but he makes it seem like a chore sometimes to make sure that I enjoy sex as well. I see him as selfish in bed. He does try at times but it feels like I'm making him do too much work and I feel bad so I just fake it or tell him its ok that I didn't enjoy myself fully. I've probably had an orgasm with him 1 out of every ten times we have sex.

 

This week I hated him touching me. I hated looking at him. He is very hairy (just his chest and on down and I"ve asked him to trim or shave his nether regions and he used to but now its basically a furry discusting mess and turns me off. Also he seems to have gotten harrier (on his chest) and he is very pale. The combo just does not look attractive to me. Poor guy, its not really his fault but I just don't know what to do. He also has a very scratchy face (even when he shaves) and after him kissing me I have beard burn everywhere and it hurts. So I pull back from his kisses and don't let him anywhere near my chest. I am always involuntarily pulling away or pushing his hands or mouth away when he's trying to get into the mood. I flinch and I hate doing that but its almost automatic.

 

THe most horrible thing is I know its not my sex drive. I can do it alone fantasizing about exes or hot guys I've seen on the street or on tv. I also have been thinking a lot about the guy I dated while we were separated. He was always very tan and would shave everything off down there for me and he just looked so yummy. We did all kinds of things sexually (things my husband would probably never try) and he was so much fun. This guy didn't have much going on "down there" but it didn't matter to me because he was very good at foreplay and loved to please me. I could have an orgasm with him very easily. I would just fantasize about our last encounter.

 

 

I feel like you could be describing me although I'm no longer married but it makes me wonder if she felt these things you're feeling but just never told me. Recent sexual rejections from my current girlfriend and the feeling that she doesn't miss me when we're not together make me wonder how I can improve.

 

What I'm most curious about is what are the 'all kinds of things sexually' that your husband wouldn't try?

 

As for my advice from the perspective that's likely close to your husband's, I'd want to know what was going on in your head. Tell me what you want/need.

[mem11363]

As a man, it pained me to read your post.

 

Picture this:

- He totally stops being a total selfish pig in bed. 1 in 10 success rate is total bs - you are right to feel resentful. If he is not totally focused on bringing you to the finish line he does not deserve sex, full stop. If on occassion you aren't mentally able to get their despite his best efforts - that is different. But any impatience/etc stops. More then that he tries to find ways to really make it exciting/fun/different for you.

 

 

 

- He shaves down there exactly the way you like

- He gets rid of the excess chest hair

- He spends more time outside shirtless and has some color

- He uses the gilette mach 5, and it totally clean shaven - no more bristly

 

Honestly - how do you think that will impact you?

 

Because if he is not happy to do that stuff - his loss. Pretty easy list in my opinion. If he fights you on this list, something isn't right.

 

 

I don't know where to post this but here goes. Hello to everyone-this is my first time posting. I've been with my husband 8 yrs married for 5. Had its ups and downs. He felt he was rushed into marriage (3 years come on!) and shortly after we got married he started to have an emotional affair with an ex. We went through a lot of counseling after that. I am not innocent either. After his affair we split up for about six months (I moved out) and I developed an emotional bond with another man and slept with him during the time my husband and I were separated. My husband does know of this guy and what happened. We obviously did decide to work things out though and have been together since.

 

THe problem now is that now, a few years later I am NOT attracted to my husband. The sad thing is he hasn't really changed (he is 34, I am 30) over the years. He hasn't gained weight or lost his hair or anything. I just am NOT attracted to him anymore and at times I am actually repulsed by him. I have no idea why. I feel so guilty saying these things because he doesn't deserve it. We recently went on a week's vacation to a beautiful beach. Went with family members. It was the perfect romantic location and normally when we go away it makes me feel naughty and I want to have my way with him in every new room of the house. But this year- nothing... We did have sex four times while we were there but I just wasnt' into it. Luckily the first time I was on top and it was over briefly. THe rest I really tried to get into it but I just had no interest. He was all over me the entire week, practically begging for sex. I was running around in a bikini all week and this made him even more in the mood.

 

I know I should feel fortunate that my husband still finds ME attractive and thinks I"m beautiful after 8 years together (I have gained about ten pounds since we've met and I don't have the body of an 18 yr old anymore) but I just don't want to get naked with him. And his constant suggestions and advances just annoyed me. I finally told him I just wasn't in the mood (which hurt his feelings) but I just couldn't take having to turn him down every half hour. I felt like I destroyed his ego or something.

 

I will go to hell for saying this but he kinda needs help in bed. He has it going on downstairs but he makes it seem like a chore sometimes to make sure that I enjoy sex as well. I see him as selfish in bed. He does try at times but it feels like I'm making him do too much work and I feel bad so I just fake it or tell him its ok that I didn't enjoy myself fully. I've probably had an orgasm with him 1 out of every ten times we have sex.

 

This week I hated him touching me. I hated looking at him. He is very hairy (just his chest and on down and I"ve asked him to trim or shave his nether regions and he used to but now its basically a furry discusting mess and turns me off. Also he seems to have gotten harrier (on his chest) and he is very pale. The combo just does not look attractive to me. Poor guy, its not really his fault but I just don't know what to do. He also has a very scratchy face (even when he shaves) and after him kissing me I have beard burn everywhere and it hurts. So I pull back from his kisses and don't let him anywhere near my chest. I am always involuntarily pulling away or pushing his hands or mouth away when he's trying to get into the mood. I flinch and I hate doing that but its almost automatic.

 

THe most horrible thing is I know its not my sex drive. I can do it alone fantasizing about exes or hot guys I've seen on the street or on tv. I also have been thinking a lot about the guy I dated while we were separated. He was always very tan and would shave everything off down there for me and he just looked so yummy. We did all kinds of things sexually (things my husband would probably never try) and he was so much fun. This guy didn't have much going on "down there" but it didn't matter to me because he was very good at foreplay and loved to please me. I could have an orgasm with him very easily. I would just fantasize about our last encounter.

 

Things with my husband used to be decent. I think I was more into trying new things or places than I was into the actual sex. But I used to be attracted to him. Now i just find myself sort of pitying him because I know I am looking at him in this way and I feel horrible and guilty. Sometimes I will throw myself into it and act like I'm all into it for his benefit and then I feel terrible and resentful afterward.

 

 

What can I do? Will this ever change?

[Sam Spade]

While there are apparent things that this guy can and should fix, it is hard to believe that attraction can just disappear overnight.

[artchick88]

I hate to say it, but maybe you should be separated or even divorced.

What is the point of being married to someone who you are disgusted by?

Especially when you are attracted to other people?

You only have one life to live, why waste it with someone who makes you involuntarily flinch?

Sex is so beautiful and wonderful. You're still so young and you can fall in love again... if you let yourself.

Good luck.

[seoa]

At its peak, how attracted to him were you - before...?

 

Is this a case that you have temporarily re-wired your brain into being repulsed by him, because you are suppressing anger (do you guys argue, or are you too 'nice' a couple?) - or is it that you were never into him, and just ignored it for the sake of getting married to a guy with other good traits...?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She is the one with the issues. She pressured him into marriage (nothing wrong after 3 years). Read the post carefully again. She throws a bunch of red herrings, a major issue (separation) and talks and talks and all of a sudden it is about his ability in bed. From there she comments how much he tries to get her to the finish line, then states that she thinks he feels it is a chore. If he is working hard it is because he wants her to enjoy it. Then she states she only orgasms 10% of the time, but doesn't say if this was the case from day 1 or not.

 

Add to that they have a fair bit of sex (4X's/wk on holiday not bad).

 

Then she goes on about his hair, colouring, scratchy face.....

 

Seems she doesn't want to work with him or face her issues and is fantasizing about the OM.

 

I am sorry for him and how oblivious he is to all this because she won't say a thing.

 

This is little about sex imo. It is about what's going on between her ears....

 

As a man, it pained me to read your post.

 

Picture this:

- He totally stops being a total selfish pig in bed. 1 in 10 success rate is total bs - you are right to feel resentful. If he is not totally focused on bringing you to the finish line he does not deserve sex, full stop. If on occassion you aren't mentally able to get their despite his best efforts - that is different. But any impatience/etc stops. More then that he tries to find ways to really make it exciting/fun/different for you.

 

 

 

- He shaves down there exactly the way you like

- He gets rid of the excess chest hair

- He spends more time outside shirtless and has some color

- He uses the gilette mach 5, and it totally clean shaven - no more bristly

 

Honestly - how do you think that will impact you?

 

Because if he is not happy to do that stuff - his loss. Pretty easy list in my opinion. If he fights you on this list, something isn't right.

[hopefulInFuture]

I simply think you two have grown apart. Whatever happened between you two, you are not ready to forget and forgive and you're not giving this marriage full of you. So at this point I think you can do 2 things: start working on this issue or divorce. You can't make yourself and him suffer for the rest of your lives.

[amylynn30]

I feel like you could be describing me although I'm no longer married but it makes me wonder if she felt these things you're feeling but just never told me. Recent sexual rejections from my current girlfriend and the feeling that she doesn't miss me when we're not together make me wonder how I can improve.

 

What I'm most curious about is what are the 'all kinds of things sexually' that your husband wouldn't try?

 

As for my advice from the perspective that's likely close to your husband's, I'd want to know what was going on in your head. Tell me what you want/need.

 

 

I don't know... when we first started dating I had only been with two men before him so I didn't have a lot of experience. My husband and I had a good sex life at first because it was new and he was more experienced than me. (been with more people at least). He was still pale and hairy back then but I loved him so I loved his body as well. I don't feel that same kind of unconditional love for him anymore. I have resentment toward him (in and out of bed) and it hinders that part of our life. Sometimes I am attracted to him and will sleep with him and enjoy it even if I don't have an orgasm. Before (I met the other man while separated) I didn't care so much about orgasms during sex. If I had one-great if I didn't oh well, I could do it myself later on. My husband isn't the most open person sexually, once I wrote him a dirty note saying what I wanted to do to him and he made me feel well.. dirty and wrong for writing it. Said it made him uncomfortable. So obviously no dirty talk in bed. Also sorry, to get graphic with doggy style position he just doesn't do it write. Its like the lazy man's dy style. He leans over me, puts practically all his weight on me and kisses the back of my neck while practically crushing me. I've tried to suggest other ways (the way the other guy and my exes did it was more fun- with them on their knees just straight up behind me ect. No weight on me. Also his favorite position is man on top. It is the only way he can normally orgasm. Sometimes he can from me being on top but that is very rare.

 

When I'm on top he will try to make me move in ways that feel good for him. If I am trying to make it feel good for me, he gets bored at times and might go soft because it is not exactly the way he likes it. I can sometimes orgasm from him being on top if he is hitting the right areas. But it takes awhile (maybe ten minutes) He will be panting and asking (are you done yet?) etc and it makes it seem like so much work. Afterward he will be like "thank god!" and collapse so I have just given up on even trying.

 

With the other guy, he was so into me that he would do whatever it took to make sure I had an orgasm. Even if he got off quickly he'd give me oral or something (my husband will do this but isn't very good at it, I can feel his teeth and it scares me) The things the other guy and I did were anal (husband would NEVER try it), we watched porn together, took videos of eachother, he masterbated for me and vice versa, and just silly things like covering eachother in chocolate or something. I've tried some things with my husband (handcuffs, the chocolate) and he will do it but its more akward than anything else. His thing is doing it in new places which I like but if you aren't attracted the new places thing isn't a turn on either.

 

I feel horrible that I don't have chemistry with him anymore. But I think our sex life is one of the reasons I'm not attracted to him. For example on vacation, when I wasn't in the mood I broke down crying and just told him that I don't like sex anymore. That I have no interest and I don't know why. Told him why would anyone want to do something when it doesn't feel good? I mean if he was getting 1 out of ten orgasms he would probably not want to either. So he turns it around on himself and says he sucks in bed, he's ugly blah blah blah. I was trying to not hurt his feelings but saying it's my problem. That i'm just not into sex like when I was younger. He turns all sweet and says he won't pressure me, that he just wishes it was like it used to be. That he wants to "make love" with me and he loves me so much but will give me space (I asked him to stop making advances because I feel horrible turning him down) This was at around 3pm one day. So I feel better that at least the pressure is off and maybe then I will actually start wanting him. Well that night he gets in bed naked (he normally does not sleep this way) and I asked why he did this and he said because he was "hopeful". So again I have to turn him down and got mad that he did not even listen to me. It was like everything was about HIM getting sex.

 

I know that no one is perfect but it annoys me that I feel like he uses me or something. On vacation we were having sex (he was on top) and i started to get bored and I really wanted to stop because it was irritating me (had been going on for awhile and I was not anywhere near feeling good and I asked him if we could stop and he snapped that he hadn't finished yet. So again all about him.

 

Now I know me comparing him to a fling I had for a few months (we were separated so I was not cheating) is not right because the guy and I did not have to deal with issues in married life and that guy wasn't 100% unselfish either but I was more relaxed in bed with him, felt like I could do anything and we had sex so often that I would be turned on just by walking into his room and seeing the bed, or smelling his cologne or watching his fingers undo his belt. Or just by knowing we were going to be alone that night. And it wasn't all about sex. He would wrap me in his arms and we'd fall asleep all cuddled up like that. We'd talk for hours about just anything. He was nowhere near perfect but we connected. I feel like that is what is missing with my husband. We don't connect.

 

and as far as my attraction to him it comes and goes. He's not oblivious to that. Last summer was the same thing. I was repulsed by him and would cry because I felt so used when we had sex. I got over it. Even talked to him about it a little bit. I know that recently an ex of his started sending him emails saying she missed him and loved him etc. When I realized another woman wanted him, it sort of opened my eyes and I started to appreciate him and we were having sex a lot more often. I wasn't enjoying it any more than I do now but I wanted to do it to show him I love him and because he wanted it. I wanted to keep him from wanting someone else I guess.

 

I am afraid to tell him exactly how I feel because I don't want to hurt him. I know one of the worst things for anyone to hear from their partner is that they aren't getting the job done in bed. I don't want him to feel inferior or put down. He has told me that none of his past girlfriends have complained and that they always had no trouble having an orgasm (but he cant' tell when you've had one) so I don't put much stock in that. I know there are women who orgasm way more easily than I do but its hard to believe that everyone enjoyed EVERy single time with him. So I don't know how to approach this without hurting his feelings.

[bayouboi]

If I were him, I would want you to tell me what you need out of your sex life in order to be happy. Be direct. I'm going through this right now with my girlfriend. I have the same feelings of 'just wanting things to go back to how they used to be' when we were having more frequent sex. She's expressed the same feelings of feeling guilty about not wanting sex. I feel rejected and push for a response and that only seems to push her further away. If only she/you could tell me/him what it is she/you want(s), I/he would do anything you asked because I/he love(s) her/you.

[amylynn30]

If I were him, I would want you to tell me what you need out of your sex life in order to be happy. Be direct. I'm going through this right now with my girlfriend. I have the same feelings of 'just wanting things to go back to how they used to be' when we were having more frequent sex. She's expressed the same feelings of feeling guilty about not wanting sex. I feel rejected and push for a response and that only seems to push her further away. If only she/you could tell me/him what it is she/you want(s), I/he would do anything you asked because I/he love(s) her/you.

 

 

See I fear telling him the real reasons (that I'm not attracted to him) because I hate hurting people. I'm not necessarily mad at him for anything else so I don't like criticizing him. He can't do much about the fact that he's pale and I don't see him shaving his chest anytime soon. (or elsewhere) He can't turn into my ex fling guy, he won't suddenly start looking like some hot guy on tv. and the thing is it is not like he's gained weight or changed that much since we met. It is just that what I'm attracted to has changed. But if I loved him totally it wouldn't matter about the physical. Honestly, I don't know in your situation but with me, what happens OUTSIDE the bedroom affects what happens or how I feel inside the bedroom. So if I am feeling resentful, feeling lonely or neglected the last thing I want is sex. I just feel like we don't have a connection and it is difficult to be intimate with someone you share no intimacy with. Even though I haven't had that many partners I know you can have great sex with someone you aren't close to just because it is great sex and you two have that chemistry. When my husband and I got together we had sex after 7 days.

 

I didn't have an orgasm during but sure did about eight times afterward thinking about how exciting it was to sleep with someone new and imagining us together. We had a clean slate back then. I was in the same situation (my ex and I were having sex once a month before we broke up because I hated sex, was grossed out by him etc. I just saw him as this selfish little pig that wanted to climb on top of me all the time. I really hated him at that point. Just so much resentment had built up. I think that is where my relationship with my husband is headed.

I have resentment toward him for what he did in the past (emotional affair) and for things he does now (doesn't spend enough time with me, doesn't defend me or stick up for me, puts projects over "us" time" Recently he had cement poured in our garage and spent every free moment trying to set that up.

 

I even have done things to try to look better and get in shape (I gained about ten pounds recently the only weight I've gained since we met) and had been working out and my husband has always loved looking at women with belly button rings. So since I was back in shape I thought it would look cute and was something I always thought about doing but am afraid of needles. So I went with a friend and had it done (was no big deal) I thought he'd be all happy and suprised and like it. He was just like ok. If I'd known you wanted to do that I would talked you out of it.

 

So there really is no communication or intimacy because I really don't know how he feels about things anymore.

 

So my advice to you is that it probably isn't about anything you can do better in bed or something you are doing wrong in that area. It is probably about something OUTSIDE of the bedroom that is causing her to not want sex anymore. Of course I could be wrong but in my case I think that someone outside is making things in the bedroom seem worse than they are (not that they are great and I'm missing it)

[bayouboi]

Just so much resentment had built up. I think that is where my relationship with my husband is headed.

I have resentment toward him for what he did in the past (emotional affair) and for things he does now (doesn't spend enough time with me, doesn't defend me or stick up for me, puts projects over "us" time" Recently he had cement poured in our garage and spent every free moment trying to set that up.

 

So my advice to you is that it probably isn't about anything you can do better in bed or something you are doing wrong in that area. It is probably about something OUTSIDE of the bedroom that is causing her to not want sex anymore. Of course I could be wrong but in my case I think that someone outside is making things in the bedroom seem worse than they are (not that they are great and I'm missing it)

 

I think you're right about these things, but I wonder if there is a way to forget about the things that make you resentful and instead think of the things you are grateful of your husband for? Maybe counseling could help you both get your issues out in the open for each other to feel safe about revealing each others' feelings. Are there some things that he could do differently that would make you appreciate him more? If so, you should tell him.

 

I am glad that I'm no longer with my ex-wife because it turned out she cheated on me....but if only I had known there were issues, perhaps I could have given her what she needed without her feeling the urge to cheat on me. I was so blindsided by what happened I had no idea and I fear your husband probably has no idea either....I don't understand the apprehension of discussing things with him. I wish you two the best and you the strength to try and work things out without regrets.

[2sure]

See I fear telling him the real reasons (that I'm not attracted to him) because I hate hurting people. I'm not necessarily mad at him for anything else so I don't like criticizing him. He can't do much about the fact that he's pale and I don't see him shaving his chest anytime soon. (or elsewhere)

 

You know what? You CAN say these things and you should. Thats what intimacy and communication are all about. When we are afraid to be sincere...that undermines intimacy.

 

I only know this , and say it to you...because I just learned it in IC myself.

[Scottdmw]

If you have strong emotions that you can't communicate to your husband, that's a problem. It's very hard to be emotionally intimate with somebody if you feel like you can’t be open with them. At some point it doesn't matter whether you are “justified” or not in your feelings, they are what they are. If you could somehow find a way to tell your husband about them, in such a way that he doesn't get really defensive and hurt himself, you might find that you feel differently after you tell him.

 

I would really suggest that you need to find a way to do this. If you feel strongly resentful of your husband, you need to find a way to tell him. Concentrate on using language like “I feel”. If he gets mad at you, tell him, “Look, this is how I feel and we have to deal with it if we're going to be able to love each other.” Don't make it his fault, don't tell him he has to do anything, leave that part up to him. But please, figure out a way to tell him what you feel. It is pretty much I would think the only chance you have of making your marriage work.

 

Please, please don't let your only communication of these problems be that you walk out the door, or have an affair. If you could get it into your husbands head that you are very unhappy, to the point where thoughts of leaving come to you, he might actually understand the seriousness of the situation. Some men in that situation are motivated to make real changes.

 

Scott

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think you're right about these things, but I wonder if there is a way to forget about the things that make you resentful and instead think of the things you are grateful of your husband for? Maybe counseling could help you both get your issues out in the open for each other to feel safe about revealing each others' feelings. Are there some things that he could do differently that would make you appreciate him more? If so, you should tell him.

 

I am glad that I'm no longer with my ex-wife because it turned out she cheated on me....but if only I had known there were issues, perhaps I could have given her what she needed without her feeling the urge to cheat on me. I was so blindsided by what happened I had no idea and I fear your husband probably has no idea either....I don't understand the apprehension of discussing things with him. I wish you two the best and you the strength to try and work things out without regrets.

 

Obviously sex is now a very important issue to you, one that may not have been when you two first were together. So what do you do???? Simple, talk to him and tell him so.

 

If he is not ready to address it and it is a deal breaker, you divorce. From what you have said and written, I take it there are no children involved.

 

Should be an easy choice, talk about it or leave.

[LakesideDream]

Sounds to me like you are a very dominant lady sexually. At least in your current relationship. That's not a bad thing either. You need to be more assertive.

 

I'll bet your husband would rather at least try and modify his behavior than lose you forever. Doesen't he deserve that chance? Give it to him. Write your "stuff" down on a piece of paper and lay it out to him. Literally give him a roadmap to follow. Not just in grooming habits but sexual habits as well. All those things "he wouldn't try" included. Let him know what you need... so he can have a fair chance to get his wants and needs in line with yours.

 

Both men and women can learn to be good lovers. A lot of it's "technique". You don't sound like you have any physical problems, neither does he. You two are not communicating... that's the problem.

 

If the above doesen't work, then you have more decisions to make. I'll bet you it's worth a try though.

[amylynn30]

I want to thank everyone for their insight. I have tried to talk to him in the past about these issues. One minor thing is he never shows me any physical affection unless he wants sex. I get two kisses a day (both goodbye) and thats the extent of it. So for a long time I was having sex with him just to have some contact. It made me feel closer to him. When we were first together (and before marriage) he was more affectionate. When I was with OM (if you want to call him that) he was so affectionate and always touching me no matter what. Obviously we both wanted to get naked most of the time but he would just watch tv and cuddle with me or hold my hand on walks. My husband won't do this. He says he will cuddle and then he just figets like I'm making him uncomfortable. I feel like i am bothering him if I try to be affectionate. I have told him this and he takes everything personally. If I say "I need more interaction and affection outside of the bedroom before I feel like having sex" he turns it into I said he sucks in bed or his anatomy is too small (which we both are well aware it's not even close to small) He turns it around and makes ME feel guilty for mentioning anything. He basically wants someone who acts like she loves sex with him and doesnt' complain.

 

There are other little things that bug me that I've tried to address with him. We have a 20 year old neighbor that lives with her parents next door and we've known her since she was 13! He is practically obsessed with her (it seems to me) he knows her work schedule (I am lucky I know where she works), knows what she is going to school for and is always talking about her. She has a boyfriend so I'm not sure he is interested in her THAT way but it just seems inapropriate to me. He is 34 and I don't understand why he'd want to befriend a 20 year old girl.

 

As far as me being sexually dominant, not always, I am willing to be submissive or try things the other person likes. But he is sort of a one trick pony. He likes one thing and thats it. No Bjs, no HJs and some of the things OM and I did I wouldn't want to do with him. (like videotaping stuff or anal) I just had a deeper level of trust (sexually) with OM than I've ever had with my husband.

 

There is no way I'm going to have an affair or anything. I just don't know if this is the end of the road or if things can change between us. I had a similiar problem with my ex (was repulsed by him, didn't want sex etc.) and at the time I actually thought there was something wrong with me because I had no interest in sex. Until I met my husband and we hit it off in bed. Then I turned back into my crazy sexual self. But now I'm almost to the point I was with my ex. Just have no interest in my husband and feel guilty about it. If I do talk to him about this what do I say? How can I avoid bruising his ego?

[mem11363]

When I read your comments below I thought - he probably does not realize how awful he is making me feel. 'thank god' - that is just a terrible sentiment - if his desire level is high enough for him to want to 'finish' sure seems like he should also have the energy to help you finish. At risk of being ridiculed to no end by L10, I dated plenty of women who I could not get over the finish line via intercourse.

 

So I just always did the oral thing for them. First. Happily. Selfish sex is not nice. I do not see how you can sustain a healthy sexual relationship with someone who is so indifferent to your needs.

 

Still, to be fair. He deserves to be given a 'letter' that nicely, lovingly lays it all out. He seems to be engaging in a little bit of deliberate miscommunication - like this is not convenient to hear so he somehow finds a way to not understand you. The letter can be a way to give him no possible excuse for claiming ignorance.

 

 

I am left with one over riding question for you. Why is it that he feels so entitled to use your body in such a one sided fashion?

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

When I'm on top he will try to make me move in ways that feel good for him. If I am trying to make it feel good for me, he gets bored at times and might go soft because it is not exactly the way he likes it. I can sometimes orgasm from him being on top if he is hitting the right areas. But it takes awhile (maybe ten minutes) He will be panting and asking (are you done yet?) etc and it makes it seem like so much work. Afterward he will be like "thank god!" and collapse so I have just given up on even trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds to me like you are a very dominant lady sexually. At least in your current relationship. That's not a bad thing either. You need to be more assertive.

 

I'll bet your husband would rather at least try and modify his behavior than lose you forever. Doesen't he deserve that chance? Give it to him. Write your "stuff" down on a piece of paper and lay it out to him. Literally give him a roadmap to follow. Not just in grooming habits but sexual habits as well. All those things "he wouldn't try" included. Let him know what you need... so he can have a fair chance to get his wants and needs in line with yours.

 

Both men and women can learn to be good lovers. A lot of it's "technique". You don't sound like you have any physical problems, neither does he. You two are not communicating... that's the problem.

 

If the above doesen't work, then you have more decisions to make. I'll bet you it's worth a try though.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

with each post we learn more, get to the heart of the matter and a better understanding of what is going on.

 

Still not 100% sure if the issue is he is selfish, hopelessly inept, clueless, embarrassed about sex or the OP's expectations have changed and he is oblivious to it all..... Or is it about his hairiness, tan lines, and scruffy face (get him a new razor I say to that or take him to a barber with a straight edge)....

 

In the end, she needs to open up and tell him that this is a dealbreaker.....

[giotto]

your sex life sounds horrible, but I think you have much bigger problems than that. Communication is not your forte, is it? What would I suggest? Well, talk to him, in the first place, and then go to MC. You need to know more about the issues that are preventing both of you from having a good marriage and a good sex life. Good luck!

[bayouboi]

Another thing I'd like to point out is you noted that things were similar before your husband. Crappy relationship prior to your husband and great intimacy with your husband at first, but then over the years yours and your husbands relationship has gone downhill and you fancied this other guy you had intimacy with during the course of your separation. The common denominator is that the people you're no longer fond of have had to deal with the real every day you and not just the fantasy sex life you. I wonder if your romp buddy that you were so fond of would be able to keep you peaked if he lived the every day monotonous life with you. My point is that I'm not trying to be down on you, but that relationships take hard work and commitment... from both parties. Communication would open up so many doors I would think.

[Otep]

no it prob wont....im in the same boat only its my wife. IDk after marriage it seems like she just got horrible at sex and yes to her its a chore. Just sucks why couldt the people we complained married each other and us the ones who are sufferring met and married each other........