viruspvf Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 And she brokeup with me 2 nights ago. I haven't heard from her since, I tried calling her the day after later in the evening. No answer. Didn't try to talk to her at all yesterday, just stuck it out. She broke up with me because she said she couldn't forgive me, that she was trying and couldn't do it. I treated her like crap a lot of the time, but she did love me it was obvious, even up to the last few days of being with each other. I just pushed her to the limit one last time and she cracked apparently. I have a serious issue with jealously and insecurity, because she is hot and I always saw guys trying to get at her. The more comfortable I got with her, the more possessive I got. We dated very seriously for 1 year and 7 months. 12 of those months were just me and her always bickering about guys and girls hitting on either of us, it was mutual until recently, I could tell she was starting to lose it but damn...didnt think she would cold turkey leave me one night. Anyhow, I've heard that if I am willing to change that there is always a possibility to be back together? I know it sounds stupid but I am hurt so bad right now, cant eat, barely sleep, think only of her. I have hung out with old friends and the whole gambit, but I just am not feeling better. She said she loved me before I left her room that night she broke up with me. She was rolled up in a ball on her bed crying her brains out. Saying that I hurt her, and that she doesn't think she could forgive me, I told her to try and find it in her heart to forgive me and that I would change. She didn't answer my phone call or return it, I texted her once before that. I did a little online reading and I should of just left her alone. Here is what I was thinking about doing.... I know I can change, and that I was being a complete idiot when I was with her. I know she still has feelings for me, theres no way she doesn't. After a year and a half of seeing somebody everyday and ****ing them a thousand times you gotta have some emotion towards um. I have her bike here, that I know she would want back, a pillow, some sunglasses, pictures, and a ring. I have school tonight from 5 to 8, I was thinking about just taking all of her stuff and going over her place (she lives with her parents, they dont hate me) knocking on the door and asking her to come out, that I had her stuff. From there, I could tell her I want to give her space and show her that I will be different and that time heals all wounds, and eventually she will forgive me if she just gives me the opportunity to show her change. Keep in mind, she has not tried to contact me once since that night. I asked her if she would call and she said yea. PS: she also said she didnt want to be with anybody right now, and that she needed to be alone to get her energy level back to normal, that her parents even noticed she had been miserable lately. She repeated over and over that she is trying to forgive me but couldn't. Give her more space? Or go over and try my last ditch effort? I love her, I really do...and it's totally me to blame for being such a pr!ck. I can change it, she just needs to give me the chance. Input? Try not to rub it in that i'm a prick...I am having a hard enough time knowing it, and I vow not to do it again. UPDATE: You are all going to call me a chump but, I went over before class today and brought her a few things that belonged to her. Her dad said she was sleeping when I knocked on the door, excuse...whatever he was in there for a while she finally answered the door came outside and sat on the porch with me...I talked to her she seemed pretty lifeless and depressed. Told her a good chunk of stuff that I did wrong in our relationship, how I was wrong for a lot of things...and I was wrong for a lot...no way about it I treated her horribly. She said to come inside that she had some stuff to give me. Went inside, went to her bedroom and sat on her bed with her. She asked what I brought of hers, I told her "Pillow, pictures, stuffed toy rabbit, ring. She was like...I got some of your stuff in boxes in the garage...(They just moved to this house....thats why it was out there). And she had some shorts of mine that she wore, and other stuff...but she soon enough didn't bother to mention any of it after that. I mostly talked while she listened, she looked at me with a cold stare most of the time. I noticed she had a few clothes laying around, and some panties laying around (something she never really wore, you could tell she wore um cuz they had that usual discharge crusted up on um...haha or some guys cvm....whatever possible but probably not judging by the fact that she looked like she hadn't showered in 2 days. I told her a few things and she showed absolutely no affection, but she cried multiple times...I could see it in the corner of her eyes...tears and they would fall after I said something. I choked up a few times when I spoke to her, I genuinely hurt telling her sorry for some of the things. She asked me to get her stuff from my car...so I went and got it. Brought it in gave her the pillow, took out the rabbit, pictures, ring, and a little love note from my wallet. She didn't want the rabbit, said it was a gift to me I slept with it haha, that made her cry playing around with it. I gave her the pictures, she laminated them for me almost a year ago she saw the ones of me and her smiling and kissing and cried a tid bit again...just tears no sobbing stuff. She didnt want the ring, as it was a gift from her to me. She insisted that I keep the pictures but if I didnt want them that she would take um, she looked at um more then once. I wrote her a little note that I was going to put in her car door if she didnt answer the door, it was touching straight from my heart. I read it outloud to her through choking up a little, she let tears fall again. I told her I miss her more then anything, she said she missed me too but is upset and mad still. She went and got something to eat, said her mom and dad bought her chinese last night because she was upset or whatever. She said she wanted her bike back multiple times ( I didnt bring it, lol). I told her I'd bring it back to her. She didn't offer to take any of my stuff and give it back. She reached over and grabbed the pillow that I gave her which she obviously slept with last night! Wtf?! took the pillow case off, and said here. We gave each other our favorite pillow to sleep with and slept with each others favorite pillow for like over a year. I was there about an hour, I asked her "Do you think there will be any possibility that we get back together?" She replied " If I can forgive you for what you have done, but I cant do it when I am bitter and angry" I asked her if she wanted to talk to me or not after I left, she said not right now im still upset. I asked her to spare me time and tell me if she was seeing somebody else, she teared up after saying she does not want to be with anybody at all....tears followed from her some more. I asked her if she wanted the little note that I wrote and read outloud to her, she said you can leave it if you want. So I left it on her bed. I asked her if she wanted me to take the pillow that was mine that she just removed the pillow case off of, she said I dont care I said thats fine keep it. She tossed it back where she sleeps kind of in an angry way it seemed. She said she was going to take a shower, that was my queue to leave, I asked her if she wanted me to leave before this and she said I dont care stay or leave if you want. She kept her distance from me, we really didn't touch at all. She just looked dead to me in a way, but she kept letting these tears through, like she hurt seeing me there telling her how I felt. So in short I only left her pillow, and took nothing but what I brought. Laugh it up, I kinda feel better in a way though. I'll bring her the bike sometime this week. PS she asked if my family was mad at her, I told her no...they are actually mad at me for treating her like ****. I asked "are we seeing other people" she said " "we broke up, you can if you want I'm not, I don't want to, I just want to be alone and work on me", she cried saying that...just tears. ANyhow fellas slam me, I know im a sucker. Now its been 5 days haven't talked to her since Monday. She has been on myspace, and she didn't change or delete any of her pictures....her default for the world to see is a picture of me and her kissing. Yea, I followed her around on there she just commented friends guys/girls saying hi and all that. Stalkerish? Kinda, but I am just down right curious. She was on photobucket as well, she didnt bother to delete any pictures at all of me and her, she actually organized the first few to have only ones of me and her smiling and hugging....I found this out by looking at old pictures and saving them incase she decided to get rid of them. Not so stalkerish, I'd like to remember her and I being happy. ANd now there is a very good looking female commenting my myspace. practically begging to hangout, I know that would normally kill her inside if I even talked to the girl. So shes basically holding on to stuff still and not even removing pictures of me and her kissing on myspace I mean ..... is she really trying to forgive me? I love her dearly, I know I shouldn't have contacted her after the breakup, but its too late for that...I didnt know till I read a little online....but I havent muttered a word to her since. I am totally willing to chill and not be such an *******....I'd rather change that completely then be without her. input?
Patrice Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Call her again. Be gentle with her. If she is giving you signals to back off - then do so. Do not see other women - if you do this is definitely over.
Weezy Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 #1 What you are feeling EVERYONE feels in a breakup, it's normal. It feel like it will never end, but it will. #2 You looking at her myspace and photobucket is bad news. block that stuff, only pain is going to come from checking it, trust me. #3 You need to plan on not talking to her for a month. 30 days. Cross em off one at a time on your calendar. and give yourself a pat on the back every day that you don't call her, or talk to anyone who might tell her that your curious about her or txt her. She needs to feel you leave her life. #4 You can think of the most romantic stuff to do, or promise all the counseling / religion changes / whatever but it's not going to change anything until she is ready to talk. #5 Your situation is very very delicate. If you push her, you will lose her. She must want to talk to you because she misses you, if she does call, you CANNOT pressure her to get back together, she will bring it up if she wants too and then you guys can talk about all the stuff you wanted to do/tell her in #4. #6 It's normal that you feel like you are all to blame, but you are not. This chick dumped you. She said, get the f@#$# outta my life. You need to remember that when your struggling to get through all the temptation to call or text her. #7 Last.. You writing stuff like, you're all gonna think I'm weak but... The bottom line is, nobody here really cares if you are weak or not.. But 1 year down the road, if she's got a new BF and your all alone, you will really really care and will kick yourself. Don't be weak, every time you are, you are giving up part of your relationship.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Call her again. Be gentle with her. If she is giving you signals to back off - then do so. Do not see other women - if you do this is definitely over. She's already made it clear she wants space. How many times does she have to voice her opinions on that fact? Virus, your whole post reeked of snobbishness. Have your reread your update? You intentionally forgot to give her back her bike because you wanted something to maintain contact with her. Not only that, but you're stalking her, and even considering hanging out with another girl. It just seems like you feel as if the rules of dating doesn't apply to you. You can get get jealous of your gf but you feel as if you do not own her the same respect if you start hanging out with other girls yourself. No wonder she's depressed. You haven't changed. You merely thought a love letter and talking to her would be convincing enough for her to take you back. You're wrong. Change does not come with words, it comes with action. You haven't shown her you've changed. Leave her alone and actually look at yourself in the mirror. Your attitude needs a change.
Author viruspvf Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 She's already made it clear she wants space. How many times does she have to voice her opinions on that fact? Virus, your whole post reeked of snobbishness. Have your reread your update? You intentionally forgot to give her back her bike because you wanted something to maintain contact with her. Not only that, but you're stalking her, and even considering hanging out with another girl. It just seems like you feel as if the rules of dating doesn't apply to you. You can get get jealous of your gf but you feel as if you do not own her the same respect if you start hanging out with other girls yourself. No wonder she's depressed. You haven't changed. You merely thought a love letter and talking to her would be convincing enough for her to take you back. You're wrong. Change does not come with words, it comes with action. You haven't shown her you've changed. Leave her alone and actually look at yourself in the mirror. Your attitude needs a change. I didn't bring her bike because I didn't think she was going to answer/talk to me. And its an expensive item, I did not want to just leave it in the front yard you know? Over the past few days I think I'm going to just let her come pick it up or ask me for it herself as she should of got the damn thing when she decided she wanted to leave me. I'm not going to date other woman...even though I am almost positive there must be other guys in her life now. I resisted in the open on myspace that I was not interested in hanging out with this girl that was trying to get with me, I did it through a comment and the girls response was "Oh I see I understand I hope you feel better" and so on. And furthermore, she is talking to other guys as well....so I don't see where it would be bad to just socialize with the opposite gender you know? We were both the jealous type. the last week we were together I was terrible...I screamed and yelled on the phone louder and longer and meaner then I have ever to anybody in my life...I seriously hurt her...and I hope she can forgive me. I know she is hurting, but she also just had such a dead look in her eyes when I went to bring her some of her stuff back. Her room and the way things were just screamed "Im on the rebound" she did tell me directly that she wasn't but hell...its my gut feeling.
Island Girl Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 #1 What you are feeling EVERYONE feels in a breakup, it's normal. It feel like it will never end, but it will. #2 You looking at her myspace and photobucket is bad news. block that stuff, only pain is going to come from checking it, trust me. #3 You need to plan on not talking to her for a month. 30 days. Cross em off one at a time on your calendar. and give yourself a pat on the back every day that you don't call her, or talk to anyone who might tell her that your curious about her or txt her. She needs to feel you leave her life. #4 You can think of the most romantic stuff to do, or promise all the counseling / religion changes / whatever but it's not going to change anything UNTIL SHE IS READY TO TALK. SHE HAS TO BE READY TO TALK. NOT YOU. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR WHAT YOU WANT RIGHT NOW. #5 Your situation is very very delicate. If you push her, you will lose her. She must want to talk to you because she misses you, if she does call, you CANNOT pressure her to get back together, she will bring it up if she wants too and then you guys can talk about all the stuff you wanted to do/tell her in #4. #6 It's normal that you feel like you are all to blame, but you are not. This chick dumped you. She said, get the f@#$# outta my life. You need to remember that when your struggling to get through all the temptation to call or text her. #7 Last.. You writing stuff like, you're all gonna think I'm weak but... The bottom line is, nobody here really cares if you are weak or not.. But 1 year down the road, if she's got a new BF and your all alone, you will really really care and will kick yourself. Don't be weak, every time you are, you are giving up part of your relationship. Weezy is right. I bolded the really really important points and you should follow this entire list to the letter. You can not push. You can't tell her anything that will change her mind right now. She has to feel what she is missing with you GONE. That means NC. She can not miss you if you are still there calling or popping up even if it is once in a while. The mind is a funny thing. Bad memories fade and good ones shine with TIME. Post here instead of calling. Be as busy as you possibly can so you can keep your fingers from dialing her number. DO NOT GET DRUNK. If you do and you drunk dial her you will BLOW IT COMPLETELY.
EarthGirl Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I would add one thing here...I disagree just a little with some of the posters..The OP clearly stated many times that he was emotionally abusive and pretty awful to her. It does not sound like he has been brain washed and she was "gaslighting' or anything (I'm sure women do this as well as man, although perhaps not quite as often, but it does not seem to be the case here) and it was really mostly her fault but she was conniving and manipulative and convinced him the fights and the break-up were really his. That does not mean she does not have her own faults and made her own mistakes in the relationship, it takes two to tango, as they say, but it does seem that the majority of the hurting, dismissing, taking for granted, etc. was done by him. Having been on her side of it myself, I have to say it is a mistake to simply go NC. I would actually say that you SHOULD contact her for one reason but for one reason only. And that is to apologize. Write her a letter (snail mail or email) owning up to how you wronged her and expressing sincerely that you are sorry that you did that, and that you empathize with her pain. You can add in that you still have feelings for her if you choose, I'm sure it will make her feel good, but ONLY if it is accompanied but a sincere apology because she has finally learned that if your actions don't match up with your words (or in some cases if your words don't match up with your other words, i.e. saying loving things to her one day and calling her names or saying the same lovely words to another woman the next), then those lovely words don't mean anything at all, as lovely as they are, they don't have the same lovely effect on her anymore. So no matter what kind of master poet you are, there is not much more you can do with those kinds of words. If you really want her back I would suggest you do this and take your time with it, put thought into it, there is no rush as she is probably not ready for a relationship with another man anyway and won't be for at least a couple months anyway (can't promise you that but most likely she won't get into anything serious right away after something like this-it certainly would not be good for anybody probably-some people may do it anyway in spite of their best interests unfortunately)...So don't be paranoid, take your time and don't write it when you are stressed with work or whatever, but when you get some free time. After that letter though, I would suggest you just leave her alone and let her sit with herself. Don't harass her don't stalk her, don't leave mysterious messages on her myspace, and don't try to parade yourself with other women on your arm in front of her to try to make her jealous by playing games so she'll want you back. It won't work this time, from all your long posts (thank you for being so in depth by the way, that takes courage) it sounds like she has finally really seen the light..Give her the power for once, I know that is probably very hard for you, but it's an act of love..If she has been kinder to you in the past than you have been to her, then it is logical to trust, even if she doesn't end up coming back to you and you don't get your happy ending, that she will not take advantage of you or embarrass you or give you false hopes. If she has put up with this much with you until now, it is most likely that she is not one of those women who likes to get revenge, but only that she wants you to respect her and love her, otherwise she doesn't want you in her life, even if she loves you just as much as ever. edit * I wanted to add that you do not have to humiliate or emmasculate yourself in the letter, only to be sincere, admit what you did to hurt her, and express empathy and caring. Even if you never get back together, it will be hugely important to the rest of her life if you did this...If you truly love her you want her to be happy, right? Well wether she ends up with you, or another guy, or joins a convent or lives with cats and her sister and is celibate for the rest of her lifetime...it would be a huge gift for you to do for her, and would be very important for her healing and having any sort of happy meaningful life. Not to say people cannot move on from lovers that treated them wrongly and never admit to doing so and they never get closure, we are all so much stronger than we think sometimes, but to be realistic it is very helpful. And it is your only hope to get her back. If you really want her than have faith. You never know what can happen in this life.
Author viruspvf Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I would add one thing here...I disagree just a little with some of the posters..The OP clearly stated many times that he was emotionally abusive and pretty awful to her. It does not sound like he has been brain washed and she was "gaslighting' or anything (I'm sure women do this as well as man, although perhaps not quite as often, but it does not seem to be the case here) and it was really mostly her fault but she was conniving and manipulative and convinced him the fights and the break-up were really his. That does not mean she does not have her own faults and made her own mistakes in the relationship, it takes two to tango, as they say, but it does seem that the majority of the hurting, dismissing, taking for granted, etc. was done by him. ^^Absolutely correct. Having been on her side of it myself, I have to say it is a mistake to simply go NC. I would actually say that you SHOULD contact her for one reason but for one reason only. And that is to apologize. Write her a letter (snail mail or email) owning up to how you wronged her and expressing sincerely that you are sorry that you did that, and that you empathize with her pain. You can add in that you still have feelings for her if you choose, I'm sure it will make her feel good, but ONLY if it is accompanied but a sincere apology because she has finally learned that if your actions don't match up with your words (or in some cases if your words don't match up with your other words, i.e. saying loving things to her one day and calling her names or saying the same lovely words to another woman the next), then those lovely words don't mean anything at all, as lovely as they are, they don't have the same lovely effect on her anymore. ^^I already contacted her by bringing her a few things of her's to her house 2 days after she brokeup with me. I did apologize thoroughly when I talked to her....I told her all I was wrong for and that it was not my right to dictate who she talked to and what she did, amongst many other things that I never ever should have done....and like I said she just had a dead look on her face, and she just asked for her stuff. I was at her place in her room for about an hour, right on her bed with her....she sure did keep her space, and scooted away as I talked. She mostly listened, she small talked about her dying grandmother and her ailing grandfather very briefly. I asked her several times if she wanted me to leave, she said I don't care you can if you want.....eventually she more or less gave me the boot by saying "I'm going to take a shower" Do you still think it would be a good idea to do that E-Mail/Message even after I apologized to her face to face? I know I could be more in depth with a letter because she won't be sitting right in front of me with that dead stare. It almost seems like I have said what I have said, and she has said "If I can forgive you, But I can't do it when I am bitter and upset" I have been reading that the more I pressure her, the more I push her away...as in she needs her space and every push I make she literally gets further away....there may be an edge and I dont want to push her off if she isn't there already, its a gamble. I thought I was a risk taker, but with this...something I realized I cherished deeply...I don't know if I should do this letter. So no matter what kind of master poet you are, there is not much more you can do with those kinds of words. ^^I love her to the point that I will revamp all of the wrongs I have done. I miss her more then anything, and love her more then anything so yes I can definitely change. If you really want her back I would suggest you do this and take your time with it, put thought into it, there is no rush as she is probably not ready for a relationship with another man anyway and won't be for at least a couple months anyway (can't promise you that but most likely she won't get into anything serious right away after something like this-it certainly would not be good for anybody probably-some people may do it anyway in spite of their best interests unfortunately)...So don't be paranoid, take your time and don't write it when you are stressed with work or whatever, but when you get some free time. ^^My biggest fear right now is that she is with / seeing other guys. If I knew she was, I would let all of this go and never make an attempt or even want to talk to her again, that is if she is intimate with them. I could look past making out and stuff, but just to hop from one to another is COLD, and absolutely terrible. If sex was something she was participating in with another in the time we are apart I will drop all interest and never look back for anything other then good memories and the experience/lesson. She did say she is not seeing anybody the day I brought her stuff to her. And that she just didn't want to, she started crying after saying that. I think that's a big note to add. After that letter though, I would suggest you just leave her alone and let her sit with herself. Don't harass her don't stalk her, don't leave mysterious messages on her myspace, and don't try to parade yourself with other women on your arm in front of her to try to make her jealous by playing games so she'll want you back. It won't work this time, from all your long posts (thank you for being so in depth by the way, that takes courage) it sounds like she has finally really seen the light..Give her the power for once, I know that is probably very hard for you, but it's an act of love..If she has been kinder to you in the past than you have been to her, then it is logical to trust, even if she doesn't end up coming back to you and you don't get your happy ending, that she will not take advantage of you or embarrass you or give you false hopes. If she has put up with this much with you until now, it is most likely that she is not one of those women who likes to get revenge, but only that she wants you to respect her and love her, otherwise she doesn't want you in her life, even if she loves you just as much as ever. ^^Respect respect respect, I vow to respect her, and treasure her. I won't call her, message her or, email....no contact at all unless she gets a hold of me on her own terms. It was hard to do and I broke the day after the breakup but I have been strong enough to resist any contacting her since then and when I brought her stuff to her. It is not so hard now, and I am feeling a bit better each day, the only thing that really eats at me is that she may be with a rebound just giving herself to somebody that doesn't even care about her. edit * I wanted to add that you do not have to humiliate or emmasculate yourself in the letter, only to be sincere, admit what you did to hurt her, and express empathy and caring. ^^To make sure, do you still think it is a good idea even after the in person apology? If so....can I have others vouch for this idea? I care so much for this girl, and I want to do everything in my power to make what seems to be the right choices now. Even if you never get back together, it will be hugely important to the rest of her life if you did this...If you truly love her you want her to be happy, right? Well wether she ends up with you, or another guy, or joins a convent or lives with cats and her sister and is celibate for the rest of her lifetime...it would be a huge gift for you to do for her, and would be very important for her healing and having any sort of happy meaningful life. Not to say people cannot move on from lovers that treated them wrongly and never admit to doing so and they never get closure, we are all so much stronger than we think sometimes, but to be realistic it is very helpful. And it is your only hope to get her back. If you really want her than have faith. You never know what can happen in this life. Thank you for your post, I bolded my questions and such. You made me cry a little because its the first time I have been able to smile thinking of her in a positive light. Thank you so much. EDIT: I forgot to add, that I said "I love you" when I left her room that day and waited for her to say something, she just said "Bye"....I stood there for a few more seconds she said "Bye", I said "love you....." and turned around and left peacefully. I did not get angry once, I was as calm and sincere as I have ever been to anyone about ANYTHING in my life. I also, should add that she said multiple times since that night she broke it off...that she "Needs time for her, she needs to work on herself". I am having such a hard time believing that she is just working on herself and not pairing up with somebody. It is truly agonizing. I really appreciate you guys and gals talking to me about this all. It helps tremendously. And what about her bike???? I still have it, but I told her I'd drop it off sometime within the week...she said she really wanted it. Should I just take it over and leave it in the yard or by the front porch? Will they portray a negative message? I asked her "WIll this be the last time we see each other"...the other day when I brought her pillow to her....she said "Your bringing my bike over...." I dunno...any input from anybody would help, thank you everyone especially you EarthGirl.
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