gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 My close friend has dated this guy for 5 years and he is 32, she is 28. He says he loves her with all his heart but that he doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want to ever get married. He however tells my friend he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. But my friend wants to get married. Should she break up with him? Or accept it? If you were her and you are in deeply in love with the guy, what would you do?
xpaperxcutx Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Well how does your friend view marriage? Does it deeply bond the relationship more or in terms of legality, does she think it makes them a couple in the eyes of world? Personally, I'm not one for marriage, but that sort of thinking might change later on in life. However if I do want to get married, I honestly would not want to be with someone who has already expressed their opposition on the matter. Also I would not want to risk the chance of staying with them for 5 years and expect them to change their minds. I've been in a relationship where I thought time and patience would change a person, but it was all wishful thinking in the end. Luckily it was a very short relationship, and one that I'd gotten over easily. Most women who jump into a relationship do either of two things: jump into a relationship head- on and assertively, or enter a relationship reluctantly yet with planning and design. The ones that does the former are impulsive and are often the ones that regret later on if marriage isn't a possibility. The latter are more careful in their choice of partners and compatibility is more important than spur of the moment emotions.
New Again Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I personally would break up with him. I'm fairly traditional in many regards, and the primary reason I want to get married is because I want to have kids. Obviously, you can have kids without marriage, but that's what I want. If I took having children out of the equation, I probably wouldn't really care about getting married. Why does your friend want to get married? Does she feel that marriage is a stronger commitment or what? She has to do what's going to make her happy, and dating someone who doesn't share that particular value (or whatever it is to her) may not be the best idea.
Author gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Well when they first dated, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to get married. But after the 3rd year, he was thinking that he probably doesn't want to. My friend stayed with him in hopes he'd eventually want to get married but next thing you know it's 5 years. My friend wants to get married because to her it's the utter sign of commitment and love.
New Again Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Staying with someone because you think they'll change is a pretty bad idea...that's too bad, I'm sorry for your friend. Is she still hoping he'll change, or is she thinking about moving on or what?
Author gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 My friend is thinking that if he truly loves her, then he'd want to marry her. The bf is thinking that if she truly loves him, then he'd accept his choice to not get married. Both will get burned I think. I think my friend is thinking of leaving him, but she said she's not going to tell him that it's because he wont marry her. She said telling him that would hurt her too much. Not sure what she means by that though.
New Again Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Well when they first dated, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to get married. But after the 3rd year, he was thinking that he probably doesn't want to. My friend stayed with him in hopes he'd eventually want to get married but next thing you know it's 5 years. My friend wants to get married because to her it's the utter sign of commitment and love. And why is the gf so pro-marriage? I think that's it? Sounds like their values or whatever just don't align.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Well when they first dated, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to get married. But after the 3rd year, he was thinking that he probably doesn't want to. My friend stayed with him in hopes he'd eventually want to get married but next thing you know it's 5 years. My friend wants to get married because to her it's the utter sign of commitment and love. Then your friend should have made the decision to have broken up the first few months into the R or at the 3rd year when he made it clear he didn't want marriage. It sounds like your friend is still holding out for him to change his mind. I'm a little worried for her because at the rate that she's going, not only will she not get the marriage she wants, but 5 more down the road, she will come to regret her decision to stay with him.
sweetjasmine Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 My friend is thinking that if he truly loves her, then he'd want to marry her. The bf is thinking that if she truly loves him, then he'd accept his choice to not get married. Both will get burned I think. I think my friend is thinking of leaving him, but she said she's not going to tell him that it's because he wont marry her. She said telling him that would hurt her too much. Not sure what she means by that though. Didn't the bf already say that he wants to spend his life with her? That's quite the sign of love and commitment, IMO.
Author gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 I think my friend is hurting, and her greatest fear is that after they break up, he'd date someone else and end up getting married. Because that would mean that its not that he didn want to get married, just that he didnt want to marry HER. Like in the movie When Harry Met Sally. My friend fears that she'd always wonder and pray that he wouldnt marry anyone else after they break up. I"d hate to ever be in that position.
loveslife Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Well when they first dated, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to get married. But after the 3rd year, he was thinking that he probably doesn't want to. My friend stayed with him in hopes he'd eventually want to get married but next thing you know it's 5 years. My friend wants to get married because to her it's the utter sign of commitment and love. I'm thinking it's just that he doesn't want to marry her. Personally, I don't think marriage is the be-all and end-all. But to have someone specify that they don't want to marry me would just be too much for me to take. Why is he so sure?
Author gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Didn't the bf already say that he wants to spend his life with her? That's quite the sign of love and commitment, IMO. That is the thing, he love her alot and treats her well, but he just doesnt want to get married to her. That is why my friend has stayed with him for so long! But now that she is nearing her 30s, she is not sure if she can live her life like this. And her parents are starting to hate her bf for not wanting to get married because they think he must not love her enough.
New Again Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I think my friend is hurting, and her greatest fear is that after they break up, he'd date someone else and end up getting married. Because that would mean that its not that he didn want to get married, just that he didnt want to marry HER. Like in the movie When Harry Met Sally. My friend fears that she'd always wonder and pray that he wouldnt marry anyone else after they break up. I"d hate to ever be in that position. While that would be painful, staying with someone so that no one else can have him in a (according to her) more meaningful way isn't good either... If he would marry someone else and not her, wouldn't that just let her know that she made the right decision to break up with him?
xpaperxcutx Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Didn't the bf already say that he wants to spend his life with her? That's quite the sign of love and commitment, IMO. I'm guessing the girl believes that only marriage can guarantee that. Especially since a ring and a paper are more realistic than words. Afterall, a signature has more value than simply saying ' I love you".
Author gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 I'm thinking it's just that he doesn't want to marry her. Personally, I don't think marriage is the be-all and end-all. But to have someone specify that they don't want to marry me would just be too much for me to take. Why is he so sure? He thinks a true commitment does not need a piece of paper to back it up. Plus his parents are divorced so I think that might have something to do with it.
loveslife Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 And her parents are starting to hate her bf for not wanting to get married because they think he must not love her enough. He doesn't love her enough. He wants an easy out.
loveslife Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 He thinks a true commitment does not need a piece of paper to back it up. Plus his parents are divorced so I think that might have something to do with it. I don't need a piece of paper to back up a commitment either. But if the man I was hopelessly in love with did need that I would give it to him. Me thinks he doth protest too much.
New Again Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I don't need a piece of paper to back up a commitment either. But if the man I was hopelessly in love with did need that I would give it to him. Me thinks he doth protest too much. Pretty much. loveslife you are a smart cookie.
Author gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 I tried telling her that if you dump him and he marries someone else, he could be doing it just to spite u for breaking up with him. I don't think she'll ever know and she'll probably always wonder. I mean, the bf does treat her extremeley well as in he's the best bf ever.
sweetjasmine Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 That is the thing, he love her alot and treats her well, but he just doesnt want to get married to her. That is why my friend has stayed with him for so long! But now that she is nearing her 30s, she is not sure if she can live her life like this. And her parents are starting to hate her bf for not wanting to get married because they think he must not love her enough. Then she either has to accept it and stay or move on, if he doesn't want to marry. I'm guessing the girl believes that only marriage can guarantee that. Especially since a ring and a paper are more realistic than words. Afterall, a signature has more value than simply saying ' I love you". Yeah, I understand that feeling even though I don't agree. If they've been living together long enough, then they may already be 'common law' married, anyway.
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