gentle_flame Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I have known the guy I'm in an emotional affair with since grade school! He has always been one of my BEST FRIENDS! We share EVERYTHING, have NO secrets from one another, and have both acknowledged we're emotionally married to one another!! My husband I've known forever as well, and never dreamed of cheating on him! Didn't even realize until a few years ago that I was having an EA... until my Husband (who happens to be a marriage couneslor) pointed it out to me!! He didn't mind, didn't fuss over it, and doesn't ask me to end it! He doesn't care if I go out alone with the guy, or talk on teh phone, or text the other guy -- he is also very close to teh other guy as a friend as well! Last year we (the other guy, husband, self and other guys' girl friend) had a bit of a stupid party where we all got naked, and then we ended up having sex with our OWN partners (me and my hubby, him and his girlfriend) in the same room!!?? Never happened again, probably never will, but don't care really if it does!! A little insight here people? A little help please?? I need some perpsective. What makes this ok?? What is wrong with this? Is this just now become an "open" marriage with "boundaries" (eg: i wouldn't have sex with the OM!).... am I just lucky enough to have a husband I can tell anything to and him not go bananas or is there something wrong with this scenario??
MistyK Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Everything is out in the open. You seem to have flexible marital boundaries that your H is aware of and ok with. Who here can pass judgement on that when all parties involved know what's up and are comfortable? Out of curiousity though - would it bother you if your H had an ongoing EA?
joyz Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 am I just lucky enough to have a husband I can tell anything to and him not go bananas or is there something wrong with this scenario?? i say lucky
2sure Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Your H is not threatened by your very close friendship. He knows it is not an intimate sexual relationship, and further - although you are close with your friend - doesnt feel the relationship is taking anything from the marriage. So, technically a best friend of either sex could be termed an emotional affair...But a real affair is a betrayal, its hidden, it makes your spouse uncomfortable, and it takes something from the marriage. Do you want your H to be concerned?? Is there something you think he should be concerned about, yet isnt?
Fallen Angel Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 It seems to me as if you get to "eat your cake".. *shrug* I don't know if that makes you lucky or not. I may be way off base here, but MY feeling reading your post is that you are unhappy with the way things are. You seem to be wanting.... I don't know if you are wishing for your husband to step up and take the place of your EA with total emotional intimacy that you are right now getting only from the OM, or you want the OM to step up and take the place of your H with a PR providing you with the physical intimacy you currently get only from your H. Again, I could be reading it all wrong, but it seems like you would be much happier if you had the best of both, emotional and physical love from only one man. (I read you being shocked about your H's apparent lack of concern as a sadness, like you wish he would be jealous and want to take back that job of providing you with all the emotional love you desire) Anyway, I hope you figure it out. I am learning the hard way how devastating ANY kind of A can be on all parties involved, even when all are fully aware of the situation. Good Luck.
Author gentle_flame Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Everything is out in the open. You seem to have flexible marital boundaries that your H is aware of and ok with. Who here can pass judgement on that when all parties involved know what's up and are comfortable? Out of curiousity though - would it bother you if your H had an ongoing EA? No! Not even almost! He has a hard time relating to men for various reasons, so most of his friends outside of the OM are female. I have never cared if he had female friends, even very close female friends because I trust he'd never hurt me in any way! I just trust him!! And I suppose since my best friend is a guy, and because husband trusts me so much in that relationship that it woudl be impossible for me to begrudge him a close female friend of his own!! As long as they're not having sex, and he is not spending time / engery on her to the point that it upsets the marriage, then I don't care! And maybe thats the difference here -- in my marriage, there are no secrets. If he did it secretly, I would wonder why he didn't feel he could share it with me -- but if he was upfront then whatever -- I'd only be nervous is he was hiding something I think!
Author gentle_flame Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Your H is not threatened by your very close friendship. He knows it is not an intimate sexual relationship, and further - although you are close with your friend - doesnt feel the relationship is taking anything from the marriage. So, technically a best friend of either sex could be termed an emotional affair...But a real affair is a betrayal, its hidden, it makes your spouse uncomfortable, and it takes something from the marriage. Do you want your H to be concerned?? Is there something you think he should be concerned about, yet isnt? I don't know if I want him to be concerned or not! I wouldn't do anything to hurt him ever!! And both guys know that!! I am in LOVE with husband, but do not believe I'm in LOVE with the other guy! If I was hiding things, and seeing him on the sly ect... then I would be more concerned -- but thats NOT happening, and has never happened. I even tell husband outright if I go out with OM and end up spending the night with him. Its in a different room, and nothing going on.... just maybe too tired to make the 40 minute drive home that time!! So how is it that the OM and I can acknowledge that we're emotionally married to one another -- if I'm not even in love with other man???
Author gentle_flame Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 It seems to me as if you get to "eat your cake".. *shrug* I don't know if that makes you lucky or not. I may be way off base here, but MY feeling reading your post is that you are unhappy with the way things are. You seem to be wanting.... I don't know if you are wishing for your husband to step up and take the place of your EA with total emotional intimacy that you are right now getting only from the OM, or you want the OM to step up and take the place of your H with a PR providing you with the physical intimacy you currently get only from your H. Again, I could be reading it all wrong, but it seems like you would be much happier if you had the best of both, emotional and physical love from only one man. (I read you being shocked about your H's apparent lack of concern as a sadness, like you wish he would be jealous and want to take back that job of providing you with all the emotional love you desire) Anyway, I hope you figure it out. I am learning the hard way how devastating ANY kind of A can be on all parties involved, even when all are fully aware of the situation. Good Luck. They are both two very different men, with one thing in common -- they are both extraordinary listeners, and super supportive of me!! I would think that a physical relationship with the other man would be kinda repulsive!! I'm not sexually attracted to him, nor him to me (I don't think!).
Dexter Morgan Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I have known the guy I'm in an emotional affair with since grade school! He has always been one of my BEST FRIENDS! We share EVERYTHING, have NO secrets from one another, and have both acknowledged we're emotionally married to one another!! My husband I've known forever as well, and never dreamed of cheating on him! oh come on now, don't bs us. if you are having an EA, then you have "dreamed" or fantasized about cheating on him at some point. Didn't even realize until a few years ago that I was having an EA... until my Husband (who happens to be a marriage couneslor) pointed it out to me!! He didn't mind, didn't fuss over it, and doesn't ask me to end it! He doesn't care if I go out alone with the guy, or talk on teh phone, or text the other guy -- he is also very close to teh other guy as a friend as well! maybe its because he is getting some tail on the side and figures if you are carrying on an affair, he doesn't feel bad doing it himself and you wouldn't have a basis to complain. Last year we (the other guy, husband, self and other guys' girl friend) had a bit of a stupid party where we all got naked, and then we ended up having sex with our OWN partners (me and my hubby, him and his girlfriend) in the same room!!?? Never happened again, probably never will, but don't care really if it does!! so if it happened again, you don't care? A little insight here people? A little help please?? I need some perpsective. What makes this ok?? what makes it ok in general? Absolutely nothing. Unless you two want to swing and agree that each of you want to see other people. if the question is what makes this ok with your husband....well, he might not care because he wouldn't mind getting involved with someone himself. What is wrong with this? Is this just now become an "open" marriage with "boundaries" sounds like it. you basically had an orgy but no inter-mingling sex. (eg: i wouldn't have sex with the OM!) oh, if you two found yourselves in a hotel room 800 miles away from your spouses, you two would be boffing each other and you know it. am I just lucky enough to have a husband I can tell anything to and him not go bananas or is there something wrong with this scenario?? again, he might figure if you are having an EA, then you can't complain if he ever does the same or something else.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 oh and flame, I'm not ragging on you. lets get that out of the way. I am going by what you said. You said you are having an EA, you said your husband said you are having an EA. Therefore, if you have no sexual feelings for this other guy, and I'm off base, then you aren't having an EA. You just have a close male friend. If it was truly an EA, the above is the only thing I can think of that would indicate why your husband is ok with you having an EA with another man. But what in your mind, and your husband's, makes this an EA as opposed to just a close friendship?
Author gentle_flame Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Dexter, Thanks for the note -- and your honesty! I am NOT bs'ing anyone - I have NOT had thoughts / fantasies / dreams of cheating on my husband - ever!! the thought repulses me actually!! If the OM and I found ourselves in a hotel room -- we would have separate beds, and there would be no "boffing" as you put it (though the term made me LOL). We actually HAVE spent over nights together -- and never once stayed in the same bed, same room ect... no boffing, no nothing... just jokes and good times. And for the record, I do NOT drink... and neither does he, nor recreational drugs... so its not like we would even get high or drunk and regret something in the morning! If we had another "orgy" as you called it (and I'm not doubting you, I'm just a bit awkward with the word still I think, and haven't fully accepted that word as applied to that situation as yet......... then NO I wouldn't care. Its highly unlikely to ever happen again... but it did, and well thats that. Can't fix it now. Wouldn't necessarily WANT to be in that situation again, but wouldn't panic if it DID either. Hard to explain. My husband -- I have never thought he might be cheating on me, and that in his mind this might make an EA ok with him!? Seriously?? Hmmm... ok valid point... and I'll consider it.....so should I ask him??? How do I pose THAT to him without being accusatory?????? I highly doubt my husband is cheating on any level... or involved in any affair of any kind -- he is home most of the time when he is not at work, and when he is at work he has clients in his office (he is as I said a marriage counselor). I will ask him why he thinks this is emotional affair vs. just male / female friendship -- he has never really clarified that point. I thought he said it because of how much time I spend with OM... and because of hte closeness of my relationship with OM... but never really asked WHY he thought this.... I wonder now if he can define the difference.... off to ask him and I'll let you know what he says. Thanks for the insight. In considering it -- maybe its not really an EA afterall!!
Author gentle_flame Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 But what in your mind, and your husband's, makes this an EA as opposed to just a close friendship? Ok, so I asked my husband to clarify this point... and he stated that I misunderstood him!! He never felt or believed that I was having any kind of emotional affair with OM ever!! He actually laughed at me for misunderstanding him!! He says that if it were an emotional affair, then OM and I would have secret meetings, secret talks, secret texts, secret everything, and that we wouldn't disclose anything of substance to my husband or his girlfriend about our friendship, relationship, where we were going, what we were doing ect.... He says if it were an affair, then I'd be wrapped up, consumed by this other guy and wouldn't be able to think of anything other than him, at the risk of even loosing my current husband, family ectera.... With that said... I can say quite clearly that my friend and I are NOT having an emotional affair of any variety then!! We do NOT have secrets from our significant others! I don't care if my husband grabs my cell and reads whatever he wants to. i don't password protect the computers, or the emails... and have no secret accounts he doesn't know about and never have! I don't care he if shows up unannounced when I'm out with my friend... as we're never doing anything we ought not be doing!! My friend and I INCLUDE my husband and his girlfriend 98% of the time when we go out, get together, hang out ect... if they aren't available or we decide we wanna rag about his girl or my husband, then it becomes private best friend time -- but its a coffee at a coffee shop, NOT at his place or mine, and NOT in seclusion!! My husband is sitting beside me giggling at me -- he thinks its funny that I misunderstood all this time, and thought that he meant I was having an affair!! I really didn't know what to think of it all -- because honestly, I'm not attracted to the other guy!! Emotionally attached most definately -- and we DO talk all the time (quite openly even infront of our spouses) that we're "emotionally married" because honestly if he had a crisis and needed me or vice versa, we'd drop and run to help eachother (but I know we'd bring our spouses if we had the chance!!)......... You know what? Now I feel dumb!! I couldn't figure out why husband didn't MIND me having any emotional affair -- and I think someone pointed out it was like I wanted him to be mad about it -- and now this makes sense to me!! I wanted him to be MAD if he thought I'd wronged him in any way -- but he isn't mad because it isn't happening!! Hurray!! Turns out I'm not having an emtional affair! I'm having a close guy friend, and nothing more!! Whew! What a relief!! thanks for the input and perspective folks -- I definately got what I came for by posting my note, and I am so glad to know that I'm not having an affair!!
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Really then why do you define it as an emotional affair...? Your husband is probably doing something crazy that's why he's probably not threatened by it.
stillafool Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Ok, so I asked my husband to clarify this point... and he stated that I misunderstood him!! He never felt or believed that I was having any kind of emotional affair with OM ever!! He actually laughed at me for misunderstanding him!! He says that if it were an emotional affair, then OM and I would have secret meetings, secret talks, secret texts, secret everything, and that we wouldn't disclose anything of substance to my husband or his girlfriend about our friendship, relationship, where we were going, what we were doing ect.... He says if it were an affair, then I'd be wrapped up, consumed by this other guy and wouldn't be able to think of anything other than him, at the risk of even loosing my current husband, family ectera.... With that said... I can say quite clearly that my friend and I are NOT having an emotional affair of any variety then!! We do NOT have secrets from our significant others! I don't care if my husband grabs my cell and reads whatever he wants to. i don't password protect the computers, or the emails... and have no secret accounts he doesn't know about and never have! I don't care he if shows up unannounced when I'm out with my friend... as we're never doing anything we ought not be doing!! My friend and I INCLUDE my husband and his girlfriend 98% of the time when we go out, get together, hang out ect... if they aren't available or we decide we wanna rag about his girl or my husband, then it becomes private best friend time -- but its a coffee at a coffee shop, NOT at his place or mine, and NOT in seclusion!! My husband is sitting beside me giggling at me -- he thinks its funny that I misunderstood all this time, and thought that he meant I was having an affair!! I really didn't know what to think of it all -- because honestly, I'm not attracted to the other guy!! Emotionally attached most definately -- and we DO talk all the time (quite openly even infront of our spouses) that we're "emotionally married" because honestly if he had a crisis and needed me or vice versa, we'd drop and run to help eachother (but I know we'd bring our spouses if we had the chance!!)......... You know what? Now I feel dumb!! I couldn't figure out why husband didn't MIND me having any emotional affair -- and I think someone pointed out it was like I wanted him to be mad about it -- and now this makes sense to me!! I wanted him to be MAD if he thought I'd wronged him in any way -- but he isn't mad because it isn't happening!! Hurray!! Turns out I'm not having an emtional affair! I'm having a close guy friend, and nothing more!! Whew! What a relief!! thanks for the input and perspective folks -- I definately got what I came for by posting my note, and I am so glad to know that I'm not having an affair!! Glad everything turned out okay for you and your husband and you didn't need Loveshack advice afterall!
Dexter Morgan Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Dexter, Thanks for the note -- and your honesty! I am NOT bs'ing anyone - I have NOT had thoughts / fantasies / dreams of cheating on my husband - ever!! the thought repulses me actually!! If the OM and I found ourselves in a hotel room -- we would have separate beds, and there would be no "boffing" as you put it (though the term made me LOL). We actually HAVE spent over nights together -- and never once stayed in the same bed, same room ect... no boffing, no nothing... just jokes and good times. And for the record, I do NOT drink... and neither does he, nor recreational drugs... so its not like we would even get high or drunk and regret something in the morning! then it doesn't sound to me like you are having an EA with this guy. just sounds like 2 good friends (and I'm not big on close friends of the opposite sex either) If we had another "orgy" as you called it (and I'm not doubting you, I'm just a bit awkward with the word still I think, and haven't fully accepted that word as applied to that situation as yet......... then NO I wouldn't care. Its highly unlikely to ever happen again... but it did, and well thats that. Can't fix it now. Wouldn't necessarily WANT to be in that situation again, but wouldn't panic if it DID either. Hard to explain. If I am married, or committed, then while I am committed, nobody else will be seeing my naked body, or hers, having sex. That is something between us. So you don't mind if the other women in the room see your husband naked, and don't mind if the other men see you naked and watching you have sex? My husband -- I have never thought he might be cheating on me, and that in his mind this might make an EA ok with him!? Seriously?? Hmmm... ok valid point... and I'll consider it.....so should I ask him??? only if he truly thinks you are having an emotional affair with this guy. If neither of you agree this is the case, then no, no reason to bring it up. How do I pose THAT to him without being accusatory?????? I highly doubt my husband is cheating on any level well if he really thinks you are having an EA on him, then why wouldn't he be pissed? Why would he not care? And him being able to do the same is the only thing I can think of that would make him ok with you doing it. I will ask him why he thinks this is emotional affair vs. just male / female friendship -- he has never really clarified that point. yes, ask him. But he also has you thinking this is an EA, when I don't think it is. Why do YOU think it was an EA? If you have no sexual desires for him, and ONLY want your husband, then you are not having an EA. In considering it -- maybe its not really an EA afterall!! I don't think it is either. But why did YOU think it was before?
Dexter Morgan Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Ok, so I asked my husband to clarify this point... and he stated that I misunderstood him!! He never felt or believed that I was having any kind of emotional affair with OM ever!! He actually laughed at me for misunderstanding him!! There you go!! Problem solved. Nothing but a misunderstanding. I have joked with girlfriends before about close male friends. They thought, even though I was giving that "i'm just joking" kind of grin, that I actually was put off by it. Had to explain that I was just kidding them and to lighten up!
TogetherForever Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Sounds lik GF IS having an Emotional Affair. It hasn't turned into a Physical Affair, yet.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Sounds lik GF IS having an Emotional Affair. It hasn't turned into a Physical Affair, yet. why? if she has no romantic feelings, or sexual feelings for the guy and only wants her husband, how is this an emotional affair?
TogetherForever Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 why? if she has no romantic feelings, or sexual feelings for the guy and only wants her husband, how is this an emotional affair? An emotional affair doesn't include romantic or sex/sexual feelings. A physical affair does.
TogetherForever Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 The difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair. The primary difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair is actual, physical contact. Usually, cheating involves people meeting face – to - face, and then engaging in physical intimacy. With an emotional affair, there may be a meeting, but it can occur on a cell phone or a computer and there is no physical intimacy. Many of the people who are emotionally cheating don’t consider it to be infidelity. Their thinking is that, because there is no actual physical contact, the behavior can’t be considered cheating. The end result is that the unfaithful spouse is paying more emotional attention to someone other than their partner, and they are removing themselves from the commitment they made to their marriage.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 An emotional affair doesn't include romantic or sex/sexual feelings. yes, it does. if you have no feelings or desire for someone, it isn't an affair A physical affair does. No, a physical affair can be about sexual desire and sex alone...doesn't have to be about feelings at all. She doesn't want the guy, according to her, she has no feelings towards him other than friends. Therefore, this is not an emotional affair, or an affair of any kind.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 The difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair. The primary difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair is actual, physical contact. Usually, cheating involves people meeting face – to - face, and then engaging in physical intimacy. With an emotional affair, there may be a meeting, but it can occur on a cell phone or a computer and there is no physical intimacy. Many of the people who are emotionally cheating don’t consider it to be infidelity. Their thinking is that, because there is no actual physical contact, the behavior can’t be considered cheating. The end result is that the unfaithful spouse is paying more emotional attention to someone other than their partner, and they are removing themselves from the commitment they made to their marriage. ok, so i'll ask again.....what is the OP doing that indicates this is an emotional affair? what "emotions" is she removing from her husband, and giving to the other man? I don't see where the OP said she neglects her husband and spends ungodly amount of time with this friend. so please, show me where she is neglecting husband and spending MORE time with this other guy....going by your definition underlined above. and I'm not hip on the idea of close friends of the opposite sex, but not opposed to it either. So are you to have us believe that if you have a close friend of the opposite sex that automatically you are engaging in an EA?
Author gentle_flame Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I don't think it is either. But why did YOU think it was before? Actually, I only thought it might be because I believed my husband had indicated that HE thought it was (since he is a marriage counselor...). But such as it was, I misunderstood what he had said... Have you any idea the confusion its caused me all this time -- thinking I was somehow unfaithful to my husband... and thinking that HE thought I had wronged him somehow....??? My friend and I always say we're emotionally married... But now I realize that this is a joke and nothing more, which my husband reminded me began around a campfire one night when friend and I were reminiscing about our childhoods together and laughing over it -- the jokes were exclusively funny to friend and I despite our spouses being there, so my husband made the joke that we (friend and I) were married emotionally because no one else could laugh at what we were killing ourselves over since they'd not experienced it themselves!! LOL....
TogetherForever Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Well, I don't know if the op is in an emotional affair really. Other than she said it herself early in her posts. I found this also: A platonic friendship can evolve into an emotional affair when the investment of intimate information crosses the boundaries set by the married couple. An emotional affair is opening a door that should remain closed. One of the differences between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair is that an emotional affair is kept secret. A third difference is that people involved in an emotional affair often feel a sexual attraction for one another. Sometimes the sexual attraction is acknowledged and sometimes it isn't. Maybe those marital bounderies haven't been crossed, yet.
Author gentle_flame Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Well, I don't know if the op is in an emotional affair really. Other than she said it herself early in her posts. I found this also: A platonic friendship can evolve into an emotional affair when the investment of intimate information crosses the boundaries set by the married couple. An emotional affair is opening a door that should remain closed. One of the differences between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair is that an emotional affair is kept secret. A third difference is that people involved in an emotional affair often feel a sexual attraction for one another. Sometimes the sexual attraction is acknowledged and sometimes it isn't. Maybe those marital bounderies haven't been crossed, yet. Hi There, Just wanted to make this clear... there is no crossing of boundaries in my marriage with anyone!! If husband asked me NOT to see this guy alone ever again, then I would NOT HESITATE to comply!! I wouldn't go to the guy's house without spouse, I would meet for coffee at shop instead of alone somewhere... I would tell my friend that it made my husband uncomfortable and that would be that. My friend WAS married (common law) to a woman who didn't love us hanging out alone and so we DID NOT violate that boundary she set. We met mostly in her company, or out in the community for coffee ect when she was not available. We never made our meetings, texts or phonecalls a secret from our respective spouses. I have no secrets from husband -- if he checked my computers (work, home, cell phones it wouldn't bother me in the least! There is no secret communication!! No secret meetings -- no secrets period!! I understand (thanks to my husband who is a marriage counselor) that an emotional affair has a lot of secrecy in it!! A lot of things going on between the couple in the affair that the spouse is not included in! Its like an obsession with one another to the exclusion of absolutely everyone / everything else -- and THAT is what makes it hurtful and dangerous to a marriage! I'm not obsessed with the guy friend. We've gone weeks without talking, and we've gone two years without barely seeing one another while we were in school a million miles apart. Incidentally, I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH MY HUSBAND -- so I definately wasn't using that time to engage in secret anything with anyone else!! The guy in question I've known my entire life practically (minus the first 5 years). I'm close to him definately -- but I'm by far closer to my husband!! I would have a crappy day at work, and call husband well before my friend!! I'd see my husband upset over whatever, and give up an evening out with the friend just stay home to console my husband!! The ONLY reason I questioned my relationship with other man and said it was an EA was because I misunderstood something my husband had said, and it made me wonder about whether the guy friend and I were doing anything questionable!! NOw that this has been clarified -- I'm quite relieved to say that I'm a faithful and happily married wife, with an incredible husband who happens to accept that one of my best friends happens to be another man.
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