gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 One that comes to mind is the Harry Met Sally one where Sally dates this guy who says he doesn't want to ever get married, so Sally breaks up with him, then a few months later she finds out he's getting married! I mean I can see how it can drive the dumper crazy constantly wondering. Can anyone think of any more?
Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm sure there's cases of this more often than people would think. I let my social anxiety get the best of me during my entire relationship, we hardly ever went out or did anything. I didn't know how unhappy she was until she left, and after that point, I made an effort to show her that I could change, so I started going out a lot, going to dinner with people, etc. I'd bet on some level, it probably hurt her, she probably took it the wrong way like "oh, he can do it for other people". I did it to try to prove it to her though. I tried.
caramel c Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Well my ex dumped me while at the height of a beautiful relationship because he started having severe anxiety and panic episodes. I don't understand it completely, but I guess our relationship became the source of it. According to him when he called me a month after the breakup, he was hurting so much more than I was.
seoa Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 One that comes to mind is the Harry Met Sally one where Sally dates this guy who says he doesn't want to ever get married, so Sally breaks up with him, then a few months later she finds out he's getting married! I mean I can see how it can drive the dumper crazy constantly wondering. Can anyone think of any more? But that example doesn't count... She wasn't the dumper - he was the cowardly dumper who wasn't that into her, but was kinda keeping her around coz it was more convenient than not... He should have ended it, but he made her do it... The whole point of Sally's experience is the "He's just not that into you" thing - she had to walk away from that bf, coz he didn't really want her... As proved by the fact that he didn't object to marriage (which is what he was saying with his words), he "just didn't want to marry ME"...
Author gummybear Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 But that example doesn't count... She wasn't the dumper - he was the cowardly dumper who wasn't that into her, but was kinda keeping her around coz it was more convenient than not... He should have ended it, but he made her do it... The whole point of Sally's experience is the "He's just not that into you" thing - she had to walk away from that bf, coz he didn't really want her... As proved by the fact that he didn't object to marriage (which is what he was saying with his words), he "just didn't want to marry ME"... No in the movie he didnt tell her he didnt object to marriage, he said he didnt believe in marriage....but then he went and got married after sally dumped him.
DustySaltus Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 When the dumper realizes that they were wrong to think that their X was cheating on them or not serious about the relationship. And when they finally realize what happened it's too late to get them back.
Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 When the dumper realizes that they were wrong to think that their X was cheating on them or not serious about the relationship. And when they finally realize what happened it's too late to get them back. Well I hope my ex has to eventually suffer through that realization too. She had so many unwarranted trust issues with me, I was loyal to her to the death. I was also very serious about staying with her and I would have done anything. Oops!
Maxwell Sage Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I realized only after my ex expressed how much she had moved on that I let self absorption get the best of me, and had been taking her for granted for the last year and a half... I was the one who originally ended my last relationship. Once my ex told me that she had no intention of coming back, I wanted to die. In my mind, I ruined the happiest era of my life... I would wake up and think of myself as scum. I've only recently reached the point where I'm able to acknowledge that I did my personal best and that we simply clashed. It's still hard to accept... Hence the reason I'm here... 'Just wanted to share an extreme example of what you mentioned.
Maoky Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I 'dumped' her because everytime I tried communicating, she would shrug me off or play things off as if they were nothing. I broke it off, because she just didn't want to open up And I guess thats partly my fault too. She's moved on, and I'm still stuck wondering.
harmfulsweetz Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Being the 'dumper' isn't easy, you're the one loaded with the guilt burden, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you have to to get to where you need to be. How is that ever easy? You're going to lose on every level. You lose the person you thought was so right for you, but realise they weren't, you lose your heart in that and all you gain is a load of guilt. I know people think 'well it's their choice to end it, so their fault they hurt'. But what if there's no other way? What if you both want different things from life and as much as it kills you to do it, one of you needs to open up to that? There's so much more pain added when you think about it. Really think about it. Not only do you have the horrible, pit of the stomach emptiness and pain, you have the guilt. You have the knowledge you hurt someone, what you did caused someone to cry. Often, the dumper can spend months mulling over the decision the end it, fearing hurting the other person, fearing making a mistake, fear of actually listening to that voice inside. Sometimes life deals you hard choices, and you have to go with them. Would I rather be the dumpee or the dumper? Dumpee actually. I'm a coward, I don't like the guilt and all of the other pain. But I know I'll have to do the dumping. :'(
Maoky Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Being the 'dumper' isn't easy, you're the one loaded with the guilt burden, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you have to to get to where you need to be. How is that ever easy? You're going to lose on every level. You lose the person you thought was so right for you, but realise they weren't, you lose your heart in that and all you gain is a load of guilt. I know people think 'well it's their choice to end it, so their fault they hurt'. But what if there's no other way? What if you both want different things from life and as much as it kills you to do it, one of you needs to open up to that? There's so much more pain added when you think about it. Really think about it. Not only do you have the horrible, pit of the stomach emptiness and pain, you have the guilt. You have the knowledge you hurt someone, what you did caused someone to cry. Often, the dumper can spend months mulling over the decision the end it, fearing hurting the other person, fearing making a mistake, fear of actually listening to that voice inside. Sometimes life deals you hard choices, and you have to go with them. Would I rather be the dumpee or the dumper? Dumpee actually. I'm a coward, I don't like the guilt and all of the other pain. But I know I'll have to do the dumping. :'( I agree the guilt is incredibly difficult sometimes. But there is also the ego factor that plays into break-ups, and it seems that although both parties are suffering, the dumper usually gets that final 'boost', especially since they've been thinking of breaking up for a while already, and have already started the grieving process long before the dumpee.
harmfulsweetz Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 that's true. But they are the bad guy, and always will be in the eyes of the ex, her/his friends etc. I think most people (if they know what to look for) can spot the signs of a break up, whether they are the dumpee or the dumper, it's just about waking up to them. I broke up with someone once who basically didn't treat me right, he had a bad temper, and was controlling, I remember the feeling clearly. First time I'd ever had to break up with someone, first 'proper' relationship in fact. I was so in love and high off it, (not literally) but I never intended to break it off with him. I went to his, as per usual, and suddenly, I found myself saying 'it's not working out.' I left that night feeling terrible, yet free. I hurt him, but inside, I must have known it was right. Now? I don't have that at all. I've been with my bf for nearly 3 years now, it feels so wrong though. Nothing fits. He's not outwardly controlling, he's lovely. Treats me really well. Yet, I feel this thing in the pit of my stomach, gut wrenching, and I don't miss him when he's not around. I enjoy being alone. I guess I'll have to weigh up my feelings for him, against my desire to be alone. Idk, but I definitely don't think the dumper gets it easy. It isn't easy to grieve for something that you haven't yet concretely decided to lose.
caramel c Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Being the 'dumper' isn't easy, you're the one loaded with the guilt burden, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you have to to get to where you need to be. How is that ever easy? You're going to lose on every level. You lose the person you thought was so right for you, but realise they weren't, you lose your heart in that and all you gain is a load of guilt. I know people think 'well it's their choice to end it, so their fault they hurt'. But what if there's no other way? What if you both want different things from life and as much as it kills you to do it, one of you needs to open up to that? There's so much more pain added when you think about it. Really think about it. Not only do you have the horrible, pit of the stomach emptiness and pain, you have the guilt. You have the knowledge you hurt someone, what you did caused someone to cry. Often, the dumper can spend months mulling over the decision the end it, fearing hurting the other person, fearing making a mistake, fear of actually listening to that voice inside. Sometimes life deals you hard choices, and you have to go with them. Would I rather be the dumpee or the dumper? Dumpee actually. I'm a coward, I don't like the guilt and all of the other pain. But I know I'll have to do the dumping. :'( I hear what you're saying and I've been on both sides of it. Of course its not easy to dump someone but it is easier than being dumped! It's easier to cope. It's YOUR decision. As the dumper, I have never, EVER, regretted my decision. That is a HUGE decision and if you aren't sure then you shouldn't do it! Be sure. Especially when you're in love, or were in love...It's different when it's only been a few dates but when its exclusive and feelings are involved BE SURE you want to move on without them. I don't know about anyone else but its never taken me MONTHS of thinking about breaking up with someone before I did it. When you're the dumper you know that even though there are pros and cons, the cons outweigh the pros and this is not the person you want to be with so that's that. As the dumper you are not in that position at all...much, MUCH harder.
Author gummybear Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I 'dumped' her because everytime I tried communicating, she would shrug me off or play things off as if they were nothing. I broke it off, because she just didn't want to open up And I guess thats partly my fault too. She's moved on, and I'm still stuck wondering. So when you broke up with her, did you tell her that you did so because she wouldn't open up to you? And also, how did she react when you broke up with her?
Author gummybear Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Being the 'dumper' isn't easy, you're the one loaded with the guilt burden, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you have to to get to where you need to be. How is that ever easy? You're going to lose on every level. You lose the person you thought was so right for you, but realise they weren't, you lose your heart in that and all you gain is a load of guilt. I know people think 'well it's their choice to end it, so their fault they hurt'. But what if there's no other way? What if you both want different things from life and as much as it kills you to do it, one of you needs to open up to that? There's so much more pain added when you think about it. Really think about it. Not only do you have the horrible, pit of the stomach emptiness and pain, you have the guilt. You have the knowledge you hurt someone, what you did caused someone to cry. Often, the dumper can spend months mulling over the decision the end it, fearing hurting the other person, fearing making a mistake, fear of actually listening to that voice inside. Sometimes life deals you hard choices, and you have to go with them. Would I rather be the dumpee or the dumper? Dumpee actually. I'm a coward, I don't like the guilt and all of the other pain. But I know I'll have to do the dumping. :'( This is not what this thread is about. I don't think your scenario fits in. A dumper feeling guilt is different than a dumper feeling the hurt I'm speaking of. I'm sorry, but I think the so-called guilt dumpers feel is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of the dumpee in most situations -- less ofcourse the few exceptions we are speaking of in this thread.
BCCA Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Being the 'dumper' isn't easy, you're the one loaded with the guilt burden, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you have to to get to where you need to be. How is that ever easy? You're going to lose on every level. You lose the person you thought was so right for you, but realise they weren't, you lose your heart in that and all you gain is a load of guilt. The difference between the two is that the dumper is getting what they want. They have decided its best for them to end things, and they do not take the other persons wants/needs into consideration during this decision. Its entirely about whats good for you, once you decide to end things. I know people think 'well it's their choice to end it, so their fault they hurt'. But what if there's no other way? What if you both want different things from life and as much as it kills you to do it, one of you needs to open up to that? There's so much more pain added when you think about it. Really think about it. Not only do you have the horrible, pit of the stomach emptiness and pain, you have the guilt. You have the knowledge you hurt someone, what you did caused someone to cry. Often, the dumper can spend months mulling over the decision the end it, fearing hurting the other person, fearing making a mistake, fear of actually listening to that voice inside. Sometimes life deals you hard choices, and you have to go with them. Would I rather be the dumpee or the dumper? Dumpee actually. I'm a coward, I don't like the guilt and all of the other pain. But I know I'll have to do the dumping. :'( Again, there is a difference. This fear of making a mistake, etc generally happens while still in the relationship, and when the dumping takes place, I've known 0 dumpers to mull or pout for months about their decision. Most dumpers are in a MUCH better place to move on, because they knew this was coming, and its what they wanted. Dumpers almost always move on before dumpees. Im not saying its 'easy' either way, but I would much rather be in control of what happens, than left to deal with someone else's decision, of which my input means nothing to. I hear what you're saying and I've been on both sides of it. Of course its not easy to dump someone but it is easier than being dumped! It's easier to cope. It's YOUR decision. As the dumper, I have never, EVER, regretted my decision. The control, coupled with absolutely no hit to the ego, makes dumping infinitely better than being dumped. Being dumped can be one of the most traumatizing experiences anyone goes through, and you simply cannot say the same about dumping some one, even if they both do suck.
Maoky Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 So when you broke up with her, did you tell her that you did so because she wouldn't open up to you? And also, how did she react when you broke up with her? Actually I was just too stressed and annoyed at that moment, because I was having my final exams for graduating highschool the next week, and when I talked about breaking up or trying to make the relationship serious, she kept saying 'I don't know' so I acted a bit rashly. I didn't tell her any explicit reason except for "you'll feel better after this"; it had already been 1-2 months since I noticed signs she was detaching herself from me, and we had only known each other for a year or so, so I kind of gave up hope on the relationship. I just knew it was better if we moved on 'cos I'm going to uni next year, and she's a senior in highschool, which really really sucks. She reacted nicely to the breakup, said thanks and hugged me which was so painful. I miss her so much but I don't think either of us is mature enough to get serious with each other anyway
Author gummybear Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Actually I was just too stressed and annoyed at that moment, because I was having my final exams for graduating highschool the next week, and when I talked about breaking up or trying to make the relationship serious, she kept saying 'I don't know' so I acted a bit rashly. I didn't tell her any explicit reason except for "you'll feel better after this"; it had already been 1-2 months since I noticed signs she was detaching herself from me, and we had only known each other for a year or so, so I kind of gave up hope on the relationship. I just knew it was better if we moved on 'cos I'm going to uni next year, and she's a senior in highschool, which really really sucks. She reacted nicely to the breakup, said thanks and hugged me which was so painful. I miss her so much but I don't think either of us is mature enough to get serious with each other anyway I know what you mean, when she acts so nice from the breakup, you almost feel like YOU are the one being dumped. But that being said, I wouldn't necessarily think you are hurt more than her. From what you said, I think she's hurting pretty badly too, but just that she doesn't want to show it. She probably reacted nicely to the breakup because she cares about you and doesn't want you to feel bad for dumping her, but I have a feeling that deep inside she is in as much if not more pain than you are.
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