looking4 green grass Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 If he has truly changed his ways then his actions should be different this time around. It looks like they are the same, no counseling. I've been in a similar situation. I tried to push for counseling to save the relationship and he wouldn't go. He used the same "we can deal with it ourselves" line. Clearly the relationship is no more. Sometimes an outsider is what is needed, especially if you are considering marriage.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 It's normally not my place to advise anyone to go to therapy ( especially if the problem pertains to a psychological problem) but I do believe that marriage counseling has its benefits and it's a good choice if a relationship wishes to be salvaged. The question is, why is your ex so against the idea? Normally those who wish to rectify a problem and save a relationship would jump at the first sign of a solution. However in this case, your ex seems reluctant.
Die Hard Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Imo, if he REALLY has changed and REALLY loves you, and regrets the past, he would be tripping all over himself to get to counseling with you. Until he does, I would ignore and move on.
Author dnm Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 It's normally not my place to advise anyone to go to therapy ( especially if the problem pertains to a psychological problem) but I do believe that marriage counseling has its benefits and it's a good choice if a relationship wishes to be salvaged. The question is, why is your ex so against the idea? Normally those who wish to rectify a problem and save a relationship would jump at the first sign of a solution. However in this case, your ex seems reluctant. I'm not sure about why he is reluctant. But today he said that if I agree to meet him and we aren't able to sort things out for a month, then he promises to go for counselling.
Die Hard Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I'm not sure about why he is reluctant. But today he said that if I agree to meet him and we aren't able to sort things out for a month, then he promises to go for counselling. He's not the one to be setting conditions, you are. He's just playing games figuring he can talk you out of counseling in that months time. You should be firm: no counseling from the START, no reconciliation, period. If he's serious about all this it shouldn't be a problem for him. He should feel lucky your are even speaking to him, yet all he can think about is what HE wants and he wants it HIS way. You give in on this it's just going to be a long list of stuff he'll fight you on. Set the ground rules for reconciliation and stick to them. The first is immediate counseling if he wants to be with you. PERIOD. If he's not willing, he's simply trying to manipulate you and reconcile under HIS conditions! Which will lead you right back to square one with this dude.
Die Hard Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Oh and as to why he's reluctant to go to counseling, my opinion is that it's because he's CONTROLLING! He's even doing it now by trying to set the terms of reconciliation and he knows darn well a counselor is going to call him out on his BS. Trust me on this. He doesn't want to change....he wants YOU to change!
Author dnm Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 I just can't figure him out. He keeps calling 24/7, begging and apologising, yet he won't agree to counselling. I get the feeling that he's somehow 'scared' of it. He said something to the effect that what happened in the past will come up there way too often when we should leave it behind.
carhill Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 He can push your buttons. He cannot push the buttons of a professional psychologist. Therein lies his fear.
norajane Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I just can't figure him out. He keeps calling 24/7, begging and apologising, yet he won't agree to counselling. I get the feeling that he's somehow 'scared' of it. He said something to the effect that what happened in the past will come up there way too often when we should leave it behind. Of course he's afraid! The counselor will help you see him objectively for the controlling guy he is. No way will you be able to fall for his manipulations if a counselor is questioning him on how manipulative and controlling he is. This reference to the past...what has he done to you in the past that he is afraid of an objective third party finding out about? What behaviors has he exhibited that have distressed you? What else has he tried to control? He could just be referring to his ultimatum about you dismantling your business and not working with this guy or no marriage. But I don't believe that's the only thing he's been controlling about.
Author dnm Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Of course he's afraid! The counselor will help you see him objectively for the controlling guy he is. No way will you be able to fall for his manipulations if a counselor is questioning him on how manipulative and controlling he is. This reference to the past...what has he done to you in the past that he is afraid of an objective third party finding out about? What behaviors has he exhibited that have distressed you? What else has he tried to control? He could just be referring to his ultimatum about you dismantling your business and not working with this guy or no marriage. But I don't believe that's the only thing he's been controlling about. As far as I can see, that is what he is referring to. And that he used to make really nasty comments sometimes (We both have a terrible temper and had major fights very frequently).
Author dnm Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 I told him not to bother to call again unless he agrees to counselling, and that I won't answer.
Die Hard Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 I told him not to bother to call again unless he agrees to counselling, and that I won't answer. Good girl!!! If you don't mind, update us as to what he says or what the outcome is, but again, imo, you did the exact right thing.
ella23 Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I suppose it's worth it to give him a second chance if he agrees to counselling. But I guess there would be no way to know if he's actually changed.
Author dnm Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 He felt like I was playing around with him and wasn't serious about making things work again.
Author dnm Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 And why exactly are you talking to him? He had sent me a long email to say that.
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