dnm Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t174343/ Here is a link to my previous thread 9 months ago. After being on and off for a few months, we had broken up. Now he keeps calling me the whole day and says he is okay with me working with a guy and he wants me back. And well, I still do love him. Should I go back to him?
Author dnm Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Here is my original post from that threadI co-own a business with a male friend, and my bf, now fiance, knew about this when we got together. He was never fully ok with the fact that I run a business with a guy. My fiance is now telling me that I must leave my business, otherwise he won't marry me. What do I do? thing is, he put me through a lot of emotional blackmail at that time, although he promises to change,
ella23 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 you should have posted the entire history here. your post hardly provides any info.
carhill Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Ella, click on the referenced link. The other thread is 409 posts long OP, No, I would not allow him back into your life, except if you and he go to some sort of couple's counseling and meet only in that environment weekly for a period of one month before having personal contact. Hard? Yes, it's hard.
Author dnm Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 He didn't agree to counselling then, I doubt he would now. I don't answer his calls most of the times, but he keeps emailing, messaging, etc very often. It just seems that when it didn't work after trying so hard then, then it won't now either.
carhill Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Continue silence sandwich, escalating to changing contact information, after advising him that you will only meet him in counseling, if he is not amenable. His choice.
Author dnm Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 That is what I should be doing, but the problem is that I still love him.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I think your man had every right to break up the engagement with you, not because of jealousy, because of your close proximity to this business partner. Let me ask you a serious question have you ever given your man a reason not to trust you. or did you in fact cheat or have an emotional affair with this guy??? I mean what's up???
Author dnm Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 no, I didn't cheat. We are just friends. I ended the engagement because there was no reason for him to be jealous and I have never done anything wrong, and yet he was always suspicious. Mainly because I was working with a guy.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Anyone who gives you an ultimatum is not someone you want to be with. Do you want to be with someone who plays around like a carrot dangling in front of a mule? Suppose in the future he threatens you with divorce because you have to OT with your partner? If he wasn't reasonable before, chances are he might change, but return to his old ways later on.
Author dnm Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 That is what I am worried about. What if all the change is just temporary?
stace79 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 That is what I am worried about. What if all the change is just temporary? Seriously, cut him off and move on. My fiance is working so hard to "change" for me and be closer to what I want. It has done nothing but make me feel horribly guilty that he is "changing" to be with me, and I don't feel anyone can really change that much. If it was hard before, it will only get harder with engagement and marriage. It does not sound to me like you are right for one another.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Alot of people can change for the better... sometimes they deserve a second chance.
carhill Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I agree. We went to MC to facilitate that second chance. The OP's (ex)fiance will not consider it. His loss
Author dnm Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I asked him if he's willing to take counselling . He said we don't need to and that we could sort things out ourselves, if only I would meet him once. He has called quite a few times since morning, but I told him I was busy. He says he really regrets treating me the way he did.
carhill Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 The words of the smooth-talking controller. I see these men in business all the time. 'Let me stop by; we can talk'. Why on earth would I waste my valuable time on that BS? They're so transparent I can see the freight train right through them
Author dnm Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I meet people like that all the time, too, but he seems genuine to me. I wonder if he truly is or it's simply that what he says is what I want to hear and believe.
carhill Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 If he was/is sincere, you would have been in PMC nine months ago. Actions are what define a person; their essence. Talk is just lubrication. You know you and he can easily afford counseling. There is no road block, other than the people involved. IMO, you need to own that. As I asked recently in another thread, examine the fear behind the inaction. Words cannot diffuse it, at least not to me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 It's time you gave him an ultimatim, saying if we cant do an open mind with counciling and rebuild it to make our relationship better than we cant be together. and that is non negotiable. Now on your part if you do agree you have to find the best councilor and make it happen and have an open mind yourself. I think it could work but he needs to go in and work for it and so do you.
Author dnm Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 That's the whole problem. On one hand he says he's totally committed to doing anything which will make me take him back, on the other he says that something like counselling is simply not necessary. He finds the idea of counselling really odd for some reason.
carhill Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 He finds the idea of counselling really odd for some reason. Break your silence on this one issue. Merely ask, point blank "Why do you fear counseling?" If there is no fear and money is not an issue, there's no reason not to go. I say that as the stereotypical counseling-avoiding man
ella23 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Ella, click on the referenced link. The other thread is 409 posts long OP, No, I would not allow him back into your life, except if you and he go to some sort of couple's counseling and meet only in that environment weekly for a period of one month before having personal contact. Hard? Yes, it's hard. I'm sure not going to read the whole thing lol 1st post is enough.
carhill Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 IMO, the OP should get some IC, as I see this thread becoming a circuitous repetition of the other one. Same dilemma, different context. OP, remember, the person who cares the least has the most control and power....
norajane Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 He didn't agree to counselling then, I doubt he would now. I don't answer his calls most of the times, but he keeps emailing, messaging, etc very often. It just seems that when it didn't work after trying so hard then, then it won't now either. YOu are correct. It will not work. He might be saying he's giving in on this issue, but you can bet he's not giving in because he's ok with it. And he will hold it over you head forever..."well, I agreed to this, so you have to agree to whatever I want forever now" He won't phrase it that way, but that's what he'll mean. Also, his basic controlling nature has NOT changed. He is still the same guy. Even if this issue goes away, you can bet there will be many, many more.
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