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is distance killing us ? is it the reason behind wats happening ...

Ammart

By Ammart
in Long-Distance Relationships

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Ammart New Member

Ammart

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Iam Deeply inlove with a girl , it was our 6 month 2 days ago ,im her first kiss and first serious realtionship shes mine too

 

We were together i mean in the same country for 3 month and then she went to canada to continue her studies doing grade 12 and its my first year of uni and im going to canada cuz of her , but throuout aalll our realtionship we would always fight but always find a way to make up but lately it seems like everthings been going down and we end u going on breaks (which dont last ) and still would fight and fight for days but make up everynight and end up arguing and fighting the next day this never hapend when we were in the same country as wed always be on the phone together and we get to c eachother , lately it feels so hard if i wanna make it right on my own , and i do **** up at times and she does too and were both so stubborn and thats what keeps the fight going on and at the end of the night shed crash and then id say wat happend while shes sleeping and on the phone i get it out to her i feel safer doing that than to her while shes awake cuz i dont wanna fight with her cuz i truely do miss her , i thought i didnt feel the same way after all the fights and eerything but i then realised how strong i do love her and i know im making a big decison but i just wanna be with her , she might even leve canada after grade 12 but if i can be with her then id take that chance and transfer later on watever happens happens and no distance can seperate a heart , but then she told me after all these fights and being pushed away that we werent close and it wasnt the distance and i know id have to pull her closer cuz of the fights but i was being pushed away too and she wont confess all her mistakes and at times try to flip it on me ,i use to treat her like a princess and take all the blame and make it right till at a point it started to feel like i cant make it right so for us i started slowly letting her know her mistake and so on but it would just backfire at me when id think ill be pulled closer , and then she told me that she isnt happy a couple of times and told me that she dosent feel the same way and that she never will and that feelings dont come back ....i know she loves me ( i came to a top when i wrote wat she said becuz it seems like its the end )

and she lately dosent see her wrong but see's mine even if it was the same exact reason

and she asked me if i wanna be with her and i havnt replied its been 40 mins since she texted me im just waiting for her to go online so i can call her (shes in school)

 

 

 

whats seems to be the proplem is it cuz of all the fights ? well how come i love her more than ever and wat i have for her is way 2 strong ? im i too deep?is it distance ? will she ever feel the same?this girl showed me something i have never seen before feelings i never had before nd she trusts me so much i cant even explaiin i know she loves me and she'd die for me but why are we going into lots of fights and everything seems like its falling down :( im gonna be in canada in 2-3 month

 

AND i dont wanna loose her no matter wat , i just want a solution and i wanna know y all this is happening

 

Please help im just lost :(:confused:

Island Girl Established Member

Island Girl

Posted
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Okay -- I don't know if you've heard from her or not yet. I hope you have.

 

Going on these "breaks" is not healthy even if you do get back together all the time.

 

Fighting all the time isn't either and it speaks to problems communicating. It sounds like you are fighting about little stuff - not what is BEHIND the fighting.

So you both aren't being honest with how you are feeling - insecurities, fears, etc. are not being discussed.

 

You say you used to take all the blame to make things better and treated her like a Princess.

That is doormat behavior. A relationship has two sides with harmony being found IN THE MIDDLE.

Both partners need to be heard and their needs addressed.

It is not about right or wrong -- being right doesn't solve the issue.

 

If you do not feel comfortable telling her what you feel - waiting until she falls asleep to express yourself - that is extremely unhealthy and unproductive.

 

If you are not able to communicate with her how you really feel then the relationship is doomed.

 

Likewise if she feels that she can't tell you what she feels honestly and openly then the relationship is doomed.

 

When one person pulls away it is common for the other to feel desperate and clingy. But it will not fix the situation.

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Ammart New Member

Ammart

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We have talked and worked it out told her how ive felt so pushed away and told her what she did we ended up working it out like we always do but i just wanna avoid these fights which to me are not worth the fight

 

Well its not that im afriad to tell her what i feel as in negatives , its all positive and its all about how attached iam to her and how deeply in love with her ,but im afraid shed take me for granted and treat me worse , or im i wrong maybe if i do aactually tell her she wont wanna loose me ?.. she knows how much i love her as i told her before and she seen it

 

and i do tell her about how i feel concerning the fights maybe not right away but i do tell her and sumtimes it does backfire sumtimes not ,

 

the breaks dont last an hour but the fact tht we do ask for them is annoying and heart burn's

 

and she also gets very annoyed wenever we do talk about sex , since i have been with other women before and shes stil a virigin she gets jealous over my past , and i havnt experianced anything as in feelings this deep with any1 ever before and it will be diffrent to me , is there anything i can do to change that or let her know thats its a diffrent experiance i have talked to her about it and told her that she shoudnt feel that way and showed her that she shoudnt but it still gets into her and bothers her

 

Ps; thanks loads for ur help islandgirl , ur feedback is gd and its also comfy letting it out to sum1 that actually knows all my friends are idiots

 

 

"Fighting all the time isn't either and it speaks to problems communicating. It sounds like you are fighting about little stuff - not what is BEHIND the fighting.

So you both aren't being honest with how you are feeling - insecurities, fears, etc. are not being discussed."

i truely beleive in this ITS THE REASON AFTER ALL FIGHTS! and im going to open up to her and then ask her about the way she feels

 

 

Thanks again ;

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Ammart New Member

Ammart

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and id also appreciate it if u gave me on some tips on making us open up as in make her feel safe ,,,but how do i do that

 

and general long distance tips i know communitcation is the key

 

island girl i promise if we end up getting married ur invited to my wedding and ticket's on me

Island Girl Established Member

Island Girl

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We have talked and worked it out told her how ive felt so pushed away and told her what she did we ended up working it out like we always do but i just wanna avoid these fights which to me are not worth the fight

 

I'm glad you are still together. To me it isn't worked out until it is worked through as in - it isn't going to happen anymore.

 

Hubby and I had to learn each other's communication style and pay attention to it.

I am a ranter. I go off, usually really loudly, and bluntly state everything I think I see or know, etc.

He is more rational. He talks calmly and works through issues.

 

So - when we are in a disagreement he generally lets me rant until I am done and then he'll say "are you finished?" or "can I talk now?" - something along those lines and then address what is going on.

In the beginning we went round and round because he'd try to talk in the middle of my rant and I'd just keep getting fuel for my rant because of it.

 

Does that make sense?

 

That doesn't mean you become a doormat or your feelings get shoved aside at all. You just have to adjust to each other for more effective communication.

 

Well its not that im afriad to tell her what i feel as in negatives , its all positive and its all about how attached iam to her and how deeply in love with her ,but im afraid shed take me for granted and treat me worse , or im i wrong maybe if i do aactually tell her she wont wanna loose me ?.. she knows how much i love her as i told her before and she seen it

 

Treat you worse? Does she treat you badly now? :confused:

 

If she has seen how much you love her then I would think telling her wouldn't be a problem.

That said, she shouldn't be treating you badly at any time. You still need to preserve your self respect and by doing so she respects you as well.

 

Respect is a HUGE component in a relationship.

 

and i do tell her about how i feel concerning the fights maybe not right away but i do tell her and sumtimes it does backfire sumtimes not ,

 

What does she say? Does she put any effort into talking about her feelings during the fights or after?

 

the breaks dont last an hour but the fact tht we do ask for them is annoying and heart burn's

 

If they only last for an hour anyway then why even say it? Just make a pact that you won't say that anymore because it isn't what either of you want and a break for an hour is ridiculous (breaks are anyway ;)).

 

Have an agreement that you can get off the phone or whatever communication you are on and come back to it when you are both calm again.

 

and she also gets very annoyed wenever we do talk about sex , since i have been with other women before and shes stil a virigin she gets jealous over my past , and i havnt experianced anything as in feelings this deep with any1 ever before and it will be diffrent to me , is there anything i can do to change that or let her know thats its a diffrent experiance i have talked to her about it and told her that she shoudnt feel that way and showed her that she shoudnt but it still gets into her and bothers her

 

This is a big lesson to learn. You shouldn't discuss your past relationship(s) with a current girlfriend.

 

Now that this cat is out of the bag the best thing you can do is focus on her and why she is special or unique. What you love about her and your attraction to her.

If she brings up a past girl you say, "I don't want to think about her" in kind of a tired way - like you were just awakened from a really good sleep - or interrupted from something you LOVE to do - and then you say, "I wanna talk about you" in a really sweet adoring way.

Then ask her something about herself, her day, if she is wearing her hair right now like you remember it -- you get the idea, right?

 

Ps; thanks loads for ur help islandgirl , ur feedback is gd and its also comfy letting it out to sum1 that actually knows all my friends are idiots

 

You are so very welcome. And welcome to LS. There's a great little community here.:cool:

 

"Fighting all the time isn't either and it speaks to problems communicating. It sounds like you are fighting about little stuff - not what is BEHIND the fighting.

So you both aren't being honest with how you are feeling - insecurities, fears, etc. are not being discussed."

i truely beleive in this ITS THE REASON AFTER ALL FIGHTS! and im going to open up to her and then ask her about the way she feels

 

Being vulnerable is really hard at first. But it is so very important. Both people have to feel safe enough to do it honestly though.

It takes a lot of courage as you can imagine.

 

and id also appreciate it if u gave me on some tips on making us open up as in make her feel safe ,,,but how do i do that

 

and general long distance tips i know communitcation is the key

 

island girl i promise if we end up getting married ur invited to my wedding and ticket's on me

 

Awww thank you! It's a deal for sure! :cool:

 

 

You can help her to feel secure by paying attention to what she says and letting her know that you do.

Encourage her to talk about anything and everything.

 

And you can surprise her. Get her a card and snail mail it to her. Put just a little bit of your favorite cologne on it. Don't tell her it is coming - when she gets it she will be sooo surprised.

Think of little things that you can do OCCASIONALLY that make her feel special.

But you should see reciprocation in everything. You should feel cared about the same way. Your feelings should be just as important.

 

The way you share your thoughts and feelings about anything is best when you use "I" statements instead of "you" -- especially in fights or those moments of insecurity, etc.

Talk about how you feel or what you see -- it will make her less defensive if she isn't feeling attacked. And if she does that to you -- accuses you all the time then make another pact that you will use "I" statements when you are upset with each other. That'll help things go a bit smoother for you and encourage sharing.

 

Lastly - and this is a tough one - if she is treating you badly and you address it but it doesn't change - you have to be willing to walk away if you aren't being treated right and expect that she'd do the same.

 

You are in the relationship because you WANT to be not because you HAVE to be.

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