Freaked out moving too quickly and material intimidation

[InspiredbyYou]

Hmmm, perhaps you're exactly what he needs, someone to bring him down to earth. I hope you resolve this

 

Who knows Rudderless...I know that everything he says and his actions so far lead me to believe he is a stand-up guy. He is a completey homebody who seems like he is just looking for love. But he is going about things a little too intensely for my liking.

 

 

I really appreciate everyone's advice I really needed to get some level thoughts going on here. I am too deep in it to see clearly even though I haven't completely lost my head.

 

He said to me, I realize now that I am out just how unhappy being that caught up in that whole world made me. People tell him he has changed, he is not short with people anymore he is not trying to rush people to do things for him something he claims he didn't even realize was this bad when he was unhappy. He lost a lot of money in his divorce settlement and he says he is building up his wealth again but he is not going to go as far as last time not even if his life depended on it, which it would since his health was in the pits due to the hectic lifestyle he was leading trying to be someone he was not, she came from a lot of money he did not so I think there was always this sense of pressure to be more than he was. He wouldn't have to feel that with me since I place all my weight in character qualities his integrity his affection, sincerity and devotion. I don't want need or desire that level of financial wealth and I am driven and have a great career and life I made for myself, not because my father gave it to me. We are the same essentially only he is very wealthy....so I can see where he is coming from with me.

[InspiredbyYou]

"You're serving me and are subhuman", ignoring them and not being polite and respectful. Not tipping well, when service is good. Nitpicking the service or food, in an unreasonable fashion, then skimping on tips.

 

"Her family's fault. All the women were gold-diggers."

 

Get to know this man better.

 

 

Yes I see what you mean by that expression, I don't know how much he tips since he always just takes care of the bill. I saw his beahvior once the day we went for our day trip we had lunch and he was kind of rude to the waiter, not rude but short a bit when the waiter was super nice. All the other times he was very nice to everyone else who serves us. But that one time did stick in my mind as in "I wonder why?"

 

 

I should clarify the "golddigger" comments are my words never his. He said people were trying to set him up in his circle and these women just were not right for him, they barely knew him and already inquiring about his finances because they knew the lifestyle he had with his ex. Then one flat out asked him for a loan after two dates he showed me the joke emails from his friends making fun of him because I could not believe women like that existed. The one he dates for almost a year jumped ship because she didnt want to deal with the fact he had children. She said she had not bargained for having to spend so much time with the kids. Who knows maybe an excuse because she rejected him and his ego won't let himself come clean, I mean who really says "hey I have been dumped because I wasn't good enough for someone?" he says he only dated those few women.....? don't know what to believe.

[InspiredbyYou]

""Her family's fault. All the women were gold-diggers."

 

.

 

Well greek families are extremely overbearing have you seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? It didn't come from nothing...

 

He takes responsibility for his weakness and inability to stand his ground over the years but what do you do if you marry a woman you love but she is also completely consummed by what her family dictates? If she couldn't even break free from her father, what ground does he as her husband have to stand on?

[InspiredbyYou]

I saw his beahvior once the day we went for our day trip we had lunch and he was kind of rude to the waiter, not rude but short a bit when the waiter was super nice. .

 

 

and I should fix that comment since I forget that we take everything literally here it's different than a live conversation, he was not "super nice" he was normal, meaning he was nice and respectful enough.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm engaged to a Greek man, albeit not traditional but I do see elements of it, with his extended family.

 

We each teach others how to treat us, regardless of culture.

 

Anyways, after only four weeks and also, that you're concerned, is why I'm throwing out these cautionaries. It's up to you to take my advice or not. Either way is fine.

 

You do have to take this overwhelming focus about money, off the table. He came from nothing, therefore, his mindset or person that he is, should have come from a "nothing" background. If he's been corrupted by making too much, too soon, it will appear in short order.

 

Be less impressed with his money and more impressed with the man he might be.

 

Not all quick out the gate relationships end in disaster. We got engaged six+ weeks from our first date. But, a lot of these firestarters, also fizzle out quickly. BTDT too.

 

So, enjoy what's happening but keep an eye out. Over time, he'll show you who he is. I guarantee it.

[sb129]

Be less impressed with his money and more impressed with the man he might be.

 

 

Good advice.

IBY- if he really sees you as a long term partner, then he will respect your wishes to slow down/ drop the intensity a little, because there shouldn't be any rush.

 

How often are you seeing eachother? Is he OK with you having time to yourself?

[Kamille]

Then on the other hand it feels so good to be this intensely into someone that I am afraid to quash it all by overanalyzing and not just going with the flow. Grrrrr it's SO confusing, when it should be really good and exciting and fun.

 

My last serious ex sounded a lot like your guy, minus the money (his strenght was brains! What a brilliant man he was). Anyway, he told me everything your guy did: that he knew I was the one, wanted to raise a family. He dropped the "L" word within a month.

 

And like you, it felt so good to be so intensely into someone and to have someone be so intensely into me that I didn't heed my own discomfort and impose that we slow things down. And when I tried to slow things down, he would somehow make me feel like we didn't have to. I regret it now. I now feel like the main reason we rushed so much at first was because the relationship was all about him and his needs. For romance, for support. And we encountered quite a few problems later on, problems we didn't know how to tackle because the relationship had gotten so serious so quick.

 

Basically, all that to say, be strong and don't let your "fear of squashing something good" guide your actions. If this man really means what he says, he will want you to be 100% comfortable with the speed of the relaitonship. If this man is as into you as he says he is, he will appreciate that you make sure you respect your own boundaries here.

[2sure]

BIG RED FLAG

 

Look back at your post regarding his previous marriage , employment, in laws...everything.

 

NO MAN this successful whines like that. It just doesnt happen. HE is portraying himself to you as a pushover and a victim of everyone he has been involved with for most of his life???

 

This man is in a hurry, all right. Because he is a liar or hiding something. Period.

[2sure]

Multi Millionaires, especially those that make their own money...are confident. Self deprecation is charming...but this guy portrays himself as a victim. This is a CON.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you simply tell him that you want to date a prospective mate for 2-3 years before considering something permanent like marriage. If he really is in love with you, he'll wait whatever length of time is necessary. If he's just in love with being in love - or something more sinister as 2sure suspects - he'll either bail or try to put intense pressure on you to rush. In either reaction will be your answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mem11363]

You describe someone with a long, long list of positive traits. He simply has one serious weakness and he/you need to decide if that is a real problem for you. He is insecure. It is that simple. And it is a deep case of insecurity. When he talks about how he feels about you, he is not simply sharing. When he discusses the future he is not simply planning. He is looking for you to "echo" back similar sentiments. The funny thing is that there are LOTS of guys who are just like him except they are better at playing "The game". They understand relationships better then he does and realize that it is not good to be this transparent this early on. Awkward as it is, I prefer people who are overly transparent to those who are too reserved.

 

I think this is the "real deal", this guy is falling for "core" you. And it is ok to gently tell him that "core" you needs him to show the ability to be more reserved and let you catch up to him emotionally. I would tell him:

 

"If you really are what I believe you to be - I will end up feeling the same as you feel for me. Just be patient, and confident in yourself and stop trying to drive this relationship like it is a race car.

 

 

 

I'm engaged to a Greek man, albeit not traditional but I do see elements of it, with his extended family.

 

We each teach others how to treat us, regardless of culture.

 

Anyways, after only four weeks and also, that you're concerned, is why I'm throwing out these cautionaries. It's up to you to take my advice or not. Either way is fine.

 

You do have to take this overwhelming focus about money, off the table. He came from nothing, therefore, his mindset or person that he is, should have come from a "nothing" background. If he's been corrupted by making too much, too soon, it will appear in short order.

 

Be less impressed with his money and more impressed with the man he might be.

 

Not all quick out the gate relationships end in disaster. We got engaged six+ weeks from our first date. But, a lot of these firestarters, also fizzle out quickly. BTDT too.

 

So, enjoy what's happening but keep an eye out. Over time, he'll show you who he is. I guarantee it.

[mem11363]

still - best to be careful. if it were me, i would try to get him to tell me how he grew the business. i get that he worked way too hard and that his in laws worked way too little. i am asking what he did that made the business grow so much that he walked away wealthy.

 

Worst case scenario - I don't think this is a con, but it will turn out that he just got a big settlement from his wife because her family is so rich and that he didn't actually "run" the business. Like I would ask, what was revenue and net revenue (profit) when he started running things, what did he do to grow it, and how much did it grow. Not gold digger questions, just interested in his accomplishments type questions.

 

I don't think he is playing the victim - I do think Greek families are very tight knit and that his story has the ring of truth.

 

 

 

Multi Millionaires, especially those that make their own money...are confident. Self deprecation is charming...but this guy portrays himself as a victim. This is a CON.

[giotto]

he wants to get in your knickers... and fast! Sounds to me like he is a real con... he's probably done this to may women before you...very, very fishy... the only way to find out is to meet his children, his friends and his family...

[InspiredbyYou]

he wants to get in your knickers... and fast! Sounds to me like he is a real con... he's probably done this to may women before you...very, very fishy... the only way to find out is to meet his children, his friends and his family...

 

 

No, it is definitely not that. I can say without a shadow of a doubt he is not at all rushing me for sex. We spend time alone back at his place back at mine he hasn't even made as much as hand moves on me as much as we get very passionate when we make out, he is extremely respectful.The man will drive out into the city from his office where I work, to meet me just for one hour lunch to get a quick chance to see me and connect during the week. No it's not that at all. I've been with many me who want to rush me into sex he is nothing like that, that is why I think he is so different from most men I've known not all but a lot.

 

[2sure]

You know what, just pay a few hundred to have a background search done. Its a common sense and safe thing to do any way. AND it will relieve you of any concern , so that you can just appreciate the relationship.

[InspiredbyYou]

still - best to be careful. if it were me, i would try to get him to tell me how he grew the business. i get that he worked way too hard and that his in laws worked way too little. i am asking what he did that made the business grow so much that he walked away wealthy.

 

Worst case scenario - I don't think this is a con, but it will turn out that he just got a big settlement from his wife because her family is so rich and that he didn't actually "run" the business. Like I would ask, what was revenue and net revenue (profit) when he started running things, what did he do to grow it, and how much did it grow. Not gold digger questions, just interested in his accomplishments type questions.

 

Excellent question.

 

When I started to see just how wealthy this man was I couldn't help let my mind wander and have negative thoughts.....We have discussed exactly how he makes his money it is completely legit and no it was not his father in law who had all the money and therefore he got a big settlement after the divorce and that's why he is wealthy. He brought his own share to the table, he is a CA and has his own practice. He advises prominent business owners and does a lot of research work on the side. He creates projects that revolve around tax havens, sits on the board of a company he has worked with for many years and acts as CFO, he also teaches seminars for the top financial institutions and is working on his law degree. He is just a very driven man with great business acumen/book smarts and perhaps not the most adept at dealing with women and romantic relationships (is my guess) He also has a good nose for investments, or he's been lucky. He names a few of the stocks he made his money on and you can see where the profit was made. I'd rather not go into very specific detail here in public, but I get the sense, and I trust that it is all above the table. No funny business.

 

 

I don't think he is playing the victim - I do think Greek families are very tight knit and that his story has the ring of truth.

 

I don't know much about Greek families myself but it sounds a lot like how Italian families are, all I know is from the stereo types made in films or television. Again, I don't think he is blaming her family or her, I think he is just telling it like it is, you marry my daughter you marry my whole family you divorce the family you also divorce my daughter. This woman did not work a single day in her life, if she relied on her father it doesn't totally shock me that she would have to report to him first and foremost then deal with her husband...? Again, I could be too positive for my own good, only time will tell.

[InspiredbyYou]

You know what, just pay a few hundred to have a background search done. Its a common sense and safe thing to do any way. AND it will relieve you of any concern , so that you can just appreciate the relationship.

 

 

I thought about that, I don't want to be "that" woman who goes overboard into a paranoid frenzy and simply can't trust because she doesn't know what she doesn't know. But I think that in this case it might just be what is needed?!?

 

So do a background check how? You mean a PI? It all seems so seedy and paranoid to me...maybe I am too naive.. I don't want to be like that.

but you are all really making me think here.

 

 

I thank everyone for all the great advice and for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts. I am trying to respond to all the posts/comments...

[giotto]

it just seems too good to be true... but, then, I'm an old cynic...

[2sure]

I thought about that, I don't want to be "that" woman who goes overboard into a paranoid frenzy and simply can't trust because she doesn't know what she doesn't know. But I think that in this case it might just be what is needed?!?

 

Oh, I GET the whole not wanting to be that person...but honestly, its almost outdated with the things that go on these days. PLUS - he has more to protect than you, more resources available, a somewhat public image, and CHILDREN...He has done one on you.

 

 

Sure, you pick someone out of your local listings to do it. Dont go on line, because those are pretty much just form information...a real PI can go a little further, within the law, and be more accurate. Its COMMON. Its quick. You wont even have to go into the office if you prefer not.

[2sure]

And odds are good the check will just verify info you already know...and then you can enjoy yourself.

 

If a Red Flag, or six pop up....you can go along with what your instincts are already telling you.

[seoa]

I don't understand - what would the background check be looking for...? This thread seems to have gone in the direction of suspicion about his money... Since you say that you are not fussed about how much he has (in fact, his wealth makes you nervy), and he seems to have enough 'proof' (cars, gifts, restaurants, etc) I'm not quite sure what there is to doubt...

 

The original question was about whether the speed of his approach was something to just enjoy, or whether you would be wise to slow things down - I think the concensus on that has been that *you* appear to be feeling rushed, so it's important (as with any other boundary being crossed in a healthy relationship - sex, anger, privacy, etc) you make clear where your boundary is, clarify where his is, and you reach a compromise...

 

Make sure your needs are being met - the one about not feeling rushed & smothered, as well as all the fun ones like being romanced and pursued... If he's the right guy for you, and you communicate it well, then it shouldn't hurt things - and it's important groundwork stuff for building a good relationship...

[giotto]

yes, you are right seoa, but what is a caring, loving, attentive, sensitive, super smart, funny, generous, full of integrity, and super rich man doing on a free dating site?

[2sure]

AND add the fact that OP is here because in her gut, she has questions.

[InspiredbyYou]

Sb129 / Kamille: He is totally fine with me having time to myself he never pushes me to see me, or insists on making lots of plans he asks me when I will be free and leaves the getting together part to me. He makes himself available to accomodate when I want to go out excecpt of course when he has the kids then he is obviously free but is constantly texting me calling me and sending me pics of the kids when they are out so he doesn't dissapear. And he keeps telling me that he want's to take thing slow that he respects my pace and that he wants to ensure to give me my space.

 

the problem is where all the emotional expression comes into play, and when we do get together it's like his mind is always at work and planning the next move in terms of the big picture. then the emails and calls and texts that are often and very expressive assuring me that I am the one the woman for him etc. combine that with the very extravagant gifts immediately and it's just too much too soon. It kind of freaked me out he wanted me to meet his kids so soon, and the fact that he keeps telling me that he doesn't want to censor what he says or how he feels because it feels so right, that is where the pressure is everything else time and sexually speaking he is being very respectful.

 

"If you really are what I believe you to be - I will end up feeling the same as you feel for me. Just be patient, and confident in yourself and stop trying to drive this relationship like it is a race car.

 

Mem funny you should say that: I said to him let's not say anything we can't take back once it's out there since if what we think is happening here is in fact happening, in time down the road it will still feel the same if not more. He tells me he agrees but then I wake up in the morning and it's back to him "almost telling" me he is in love with me.

 

Trialbyfire: I totally hear what you are saying.

 

It's not that I am "impressed by the money" I think overwhelmed is probably a better way to describe it. It's the implications of being with someone like him. What he is used to and what would I represent for him given where he has been for the last 17 yrs of his life practically. I am a career woman I am not a kept woman, nor do I come from a priviledged background, but I do have very traditional values.

 

Your fiance is Greek? You would be a good person to ask about what Greek families would be like. I see that you have a good understanding with your man, but again this guy's situation is perhaps different than yours.

 

a) he was with her since he was 16yrs old

b) he married her in his early 20's and he wanted to fit in to their lifestyle so worked very hard to make something of himself to live up to their standards

c) he had an abusive childhood practically no childhood in fact

d) when you are that young you learn a lot of things along the way the hard way

 

 

It's easy to say "work out a plan" between each other, but it's not like he met her now as an adult and he is a fully formed man with his own sense of self and experiences to mold that, his experiences were with her. He grew up next to this woman and the family traditions of that family he married into. I can see how a person can lose themselves in that, not because he is a victim but because you simply don't know any better. Again, maybe I need a kick in the head to smarten up but this is what my gut is telling me.

 

Again, I really appreciate everyone's input it definitely makes me look at this from all angles, and this is precisely why I reached out. I hope I don't come across as getting my back up I really want to express how I am looking at things given what I know so far and what I feel deep down.

[InspiredbyYou]

yes, you are right seoa, but what is a caring, loving, attentive, sensitive, super smart, funny, generous, full of integrity, and super rich man doing on a free dating site?

 

 

Looking for a woman that is not from his circle and who is not going to be interestes solely in his money, who is going to allow him to be who he ultimately is not the man he had to be to meet the standard of a woman who came from a different background than him?

 

That's not really a concern or question for me, they have millionaire dating sites, what difference does it makes which site he was on? Just becuase a man is wealthy it doesn't matter it is that easy for him to find love. Ultimately we deep down wall want the same things, we want to be admired for who we are not for what we can provide. Does that not make sense? I don't know...I am not that skeptical!