Freaked out moving too quickly and material intimidation

September 23, 2009

Been lurking around here for a few weeks debating on whether I should post my situation and after reading so much sound advice from what seems like a lot of great people here, I decided to go ahead and tell my story. I am also at a point critical with lots of questions and my head will explode if I don’t reach out it's long...

About 4 weeks ago I met a man online on that free popular site. I had very little faith in online dating since I’ve been doing it, and I’ve never met anyone who wowed me, it was the opposite. Then I met B (we’ll call him B) we hit it off instantly on email and through out an entire week we spent day and night communicating back and forth. It was so amazing just how much we had in common and seemed alike but of course there was still the huge hurdle of meeting in person and overcoming the physical aspect, so we finally met a week later he invited me to dinner but to a very expensive restaurant which I did not feel right about but he insisted on picking the place since he is very traditional, which I loved so I went with it.

We finally met and the chemistry was instant I was more than pleasantly surprised but as the night went on and I spoke to him more and realized just how much he was the type of man I have always hoped for and didn’t think existed, he just became so incredibly more attractive to me. At this point I had no idea about his background which I will get into later. I could barely look into his beautiful eyes it was so intense. Long story short we closed the place down completely engaged in great conversation and carried on at a lounge later that night.

We carried the night on at the second place and by this point we were so completely infatuated it was insane, he asked to kiss me which was a first for me on a first date and we did and it was off the charts. He dropped me off at home and we decided to go out again the next day we went to a town that is about 1hour away from where we live to spend the day it is a very quaint town with great restaurants and very romantic we spent the entire day together and it felt like we had been together forever it felt that natural. This went on for the following last weeks and progressively it has become more intense and as the weeks went by I started to find out more about what he does and his background. While I am very much into this man in terms of who he shows to be and his qualities (caring, loving, attentive, sensitive, super smart, funny, generous, full of integrity, and a doting and very loving father) I have some reservations of how fast things are progressing but he seems to be head over heels given what he tells me all the time. He writes me many emails expressing his happiness for having met me and in our conversations he tells me I am the woman of his dreams I am the one he was waited for all his life, he says that he can tell by what he sees that I am the type of woman he would love to build a future with and is constantly talking of family and (long term relationship/marriage).

Aside from the fact that I feel it is too soon for him to be saying so much there is another issue that makes me very uncomfortable. This man is very wealthy, and he is constantly showering me with expensive gifts. He sends me gifts to work, the second week we were together I came into my office to find a bouquet of roses and a very expensive designer handbag and a card that said some very beautiful and incredibly deep things. Then the following week jewelry and expensive toys for my nieces. This man did not come from money but he made a lot of money being an entrepreneur is working on getting his law degree. He is divorced for 3yrs now and was married very young to his high school sweetheart who was also very wealthy he says that since his divorce he has not met anyone he remotely even felt a connection with so for him meeting me was like I have made him believe in love again. Also since a lot of the women he gets "set up wtih" are goldigging users who don't work and want a free ride. I am a career woman very independent yet down to earth with no issues of entitlement.

My concern is that I feel he is really going overboard, or perhaps I am not used to being pampered on this level both in words and gifts and actions so soon. As well I have never dated someone as wealthy as he is. I am just completely beside myself since I find I am not being able to trust his motives or intense need to wow me at this stage and so early on. He asked me to meet his children (they live with his ex-wife but he has them twice a week) this weekend and I feel like everything is happening so fast. I love children and I do want to meet his children but he is moving so fast. He assures me he never brings women to meet his children only once he has since his divorce and this woman was someone he dated for several months. I am terrified that he is going to drop the L word any moment now since he keeps making very bold and deep statements about how he can see himself with me for the long haul, how I make him weak at the knees and encompass every single aspect of what he always wanted in a woman. I have injected life and excitement back into his life etc... We haven’t even been intimate yet. This man is falling very hard and he is about to drop the L bomb and any minute now and what do I do? I don’t feel completely in love with him yet, I do feel myself falling I mean the attraction on all levels was instant and is still very much there but as I he has gotten more intense I find myself questioning my feelings or maybe I am sabotaging something good? I just don’t think I can commit to reciprocating his intense feelings just yet if he does say the L word.

I would like to know, from the men, if you tell a woman you love her and she can’t say it back is that something that would destroy you? Or would you be willing to ride it out after that without the dynamic changing and let her feel at her own pace?

Everything is perfect between us, we have so much fun no matter what we do and the more simple the activity the more we enjoy one another, we spend countless hours on the phone and making each other laugh and so happy. So why am I so freaked out about everything? Friends and family tell me just let yourself go and allow things to take a natural turn but I can’t help but think that this is just too much too soon. Would you feel that way as well? How do you think you would feel if this were happening to you?

Sorry it turned out long I hope you have the patience to read this I could really use some input here, am I completely crazy here or should I be worried?

September 23, 2009

Not one response? Is this situation that had to give advice on?

September 23, 2009

I don't mean that in a financial sense. Just - an amazing "match".

A mature male will gracefully accept hearing something other then "I love you" back if he says it first.

I do think the gift thing is worrisome. It is great to be generous. But there is a fine line between generosity and attempting to purchase someones affections. And I think this truly great guy has crossed that line with you. Probably not conciously. I think you might do "both" of you a favor by asking him to not try to amplify your feelings for him or accelerate the speed at which you fall for him, via material objects.

Somehow - if you can do this without injuring him too badly - let him know that as a really great guy - he doesn't need to try this hard - and trying too hard produces the opposite of the desired effect. Hard to do that diplomatically - but I am sure you can find a way.

Been lurking around here for a few weeks debating on whether I should post my situation and after reading so much sound advice from what seems like a lot of great people here, I decided to go ahead and tell my story. I am also at a point critical with lots of questions and my head will explode if I don’t reach out it's long...

About 4 weeks ago I met a man online on that free popular site. I had very little faith in online dating since I’ve been doing it, and I’ve never met anyone who wowed me, it was the opposite. Then I met B (we’ll call him B) we hit it off instantly on email and through out an entire week we spent day and night communicating back and forth. It was so amazing just how much we had in common and seemed alike but of course there was still the huge hurdle of meeting in person and overcoming the physical aspect, so we finally met a week later he invited me to dinner but to a very expensive restaurant which I did not feel right about but he insisted on picking the place since he is very traditional, which I loved so I went with it.

We finally met and the chemistry was instant I was more than pleasantly surprised but as the night went on and I spoke to him more and realized just how much he was the type of man I have always hoped for and didn’t think existed, he just became so incredibly more attractive to me. At this point I had no idea about his background which I will get into later. I could barely look into his beautiful eyes it was so intense. Long story short we closed the place down completely engaged in great conversation and carried on at a lounge later that night.

We carried the night on at the second place and by this point we were so completely infatuated it was insane, he asked to kiss me which was a first for me on a first date and we did and it was off the charts. He dropped me off at home and we decided to go out again the next day we went to a town that is about 1hour away from where we live to spend the day it is a very quaint town with great restaurants and very romantic we spent the entire day together and it felt like we had been together forever it felt that natural. This went on for the following last weeks and progressively it has become more intense and as the weeks went by I started to find out more about what he does and his background. While I am very much into this man in terms of who he shows to be and his qualities (caring, loving, attentive, sensitive, super smart, funny, generous, full of integrity, and a doting and very loving father) I have some reservations of how fast things are progressing but he seems to be head over heels given what he tells me all the time. He writes me many emails expressing his happiness for having met me and in our conversations he tells me I am the woman of his dreams I am the one he was waited for all his life, he says that he can tell by what he sees that I am the type of woman he would love to build a future with and is constantly talking of family and (long term relationship/marriage).

Aside from the fact that I feel it is too soon for him to be saying so much there is another issue that makes me very uncomfortable. This man is very wealthy, and he is constantly showering me with expensive gifts. He sends me gifts to work, the second week we were together I came into my office to find a bouquet of roses and a very expensive designer handbag and a card that said some very beautiful and incredibly deep things. Then the following week jewelry and expensive toys for my nieces. This man did not come from money but he made a lot of money being an entrepreneur is working on getting his law degree. He is divorced for 3yrs now and was married very young to his high school sweetheart who was also very wealthy he says that since his divorce he has not met anyone he remotely even felt a connection with so for him meeting me was like I have made him believe in love again. Also since a lot of the women he gets "set up wtih" are goldigging users who don't work and want a free ride. I am a career woman very independent yet down to earth with no issues of entitlement.

My concern is that I feel he is really going overboard, or perhaps I am not used to being pampered on this level both in words and gifts and actions so soon. As well I have never dated someone as wealthy as he is. I am just completely beside myself since I find I am not being able to trust his motives or intense need to wow me at this stage and so early on. He asked me to meet his children (they live with his ex-wife but he has them twice a week) this weekend and I feel like everything is happening so fast. I love children and I do want to meet his children but he is moving so fast. He assures me he never brings women to meet his children only once he has since his divorce and this woman was someone he dated for several months. I am terrified that he is going to drop the L word any moment now since he keeps making very bold and deep statements about how he can see himself with me for the long haul, how I make him weak at the knees and encompass every single aspect of what he always wanted in a woman. I have injected life and excitement back into his life etc... We haven’t even been intimate yet. This man is falling very hard and he is about to drop the L bomb and any minute now and what do I do? I don’t feel completely in love with him yet, I do feel myself falling I mean the attraction on all levels was instant and is still very much there but as I he has gotten more intense I find myself questioning my feelings or maybe I am sabotaging something good? I just don’t think I can commit to reciprocating his intense feelings just yet if he does say the L word.

I would like to know, from the men, if you tell a woman you love her and she can’t say it back is that something that would destroy you? Or would you be willing to ride it out after that without the dynamic changing and let her feel at her own pace?
Everything is perfect between us, we have so much fun no matter what we do and the more simple the activity the more we enjoy one another, we spend countless hours on the phone and making each other laugh and so happy. So why am I so freaked out about everything? Friends and family tell me just let yourself go and allow things to take a natural turn but I can’t help but think that this is just too much too soon. Would you feel that way as well? How do you think you would feel if this were happening to you?

Sorry it turned out long I hope you have the patience to read this I could really use some input here, am I completely crazy here or should I be worried?

September 23, 2009

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond mem11363, that is exactly how I feel you hit the nail on the head. If he doesn’t slow down the opposite of what he intends will end up happening I want to go back to how things were in the first week, things were moving at an exciting pace and we were so happy to have found one another and just really excited butterflies and thinking of him at every minute of the day. Then as the extravagant gifts started and all his expressions of being so certain I was “the one” it started to do a number on me.

And I have tried to tell him that we need to go slow that though we shouldn't have to control how we feel and that what we feel is completely fine, we should not say or do anything that we cannot take back once we put out there. But his response is “I don’t feel like I need to censor myself at all with you because everything I feel is so right, you are the one woman I have waited for my entire life, you are prefect in every way for me and I just want to shower you with attention and actions. I am very serious about you and want a future with you I want it all with you. I know this now, I feel it, it feels so right. And I too starte to feel like he was the man I had dreamed off we are just so well matched intellectually and physically and we have so much fun together, but now combined with all the extravagant gifts and the idea he is going to say the ILU any minute now “preempting with I am falling at exponential rates and I can’t imagine my life without talking to you already” plus the fact he already wants me to meet his kids, I just don’t know what to do. How to tell him this is having the opposite effect on me without hurting his feelings?

I invited him over for dinner last weekend and we had a fantastic time I made dinner for him and he was so thankful and overwhelmingly happy that I did that for him that on Monday I got home from work and he had gotten me another gift (jewelry) with a very expressively written card telling me that he was falling very hard. His exwife never cooked a meal for him the entire time they were together, they had live in nannies and cooks and she didn’t work or lift a finger for him the entire marriage, she came from a very wealthy family and was a spoiled brat according to him. So for me to cook him a meal he says was the best thing a woman could do for him, to show that she cares for him. It’s like he was this great need to feel loved, but now I am hesitant to just be me and give naturally for fear he will give me even more. Is that crazy?

He is 35 and I am 38, and he is not a player or womanizer. He is just a good hearted guy who is academically very well rounded and who also has the street smarts to be as successful as he is. While his friends in university were off clubbing and trying to get laid he was working hard to make something of himself. He was abused physically by his father as a child and never had a stable family unit his dad had an alcohol problem and he promised to himself he would never turn into his dad in any shape way or form, hence his great devotion to his children. But at the same time I think he might have low self esteem issues because of this which is why he is so eager to give so much so soon but he says that is what he is used to giving like that because to look at him you would never guess that he has esteem issues he is very self confident, at ease, good looking tall and extremely well dressed, impeccable taste. In terms of the emotional stuff he assures me he is typically very reserved and he would not be saying anything he did not know for certain he was feeling at this point.

Oh and our physical chemistry is very strong even though we have not been intimate together yet we are still very passionate with one another when we kiss.

September 23, 2009

Look, tell him again, sincerely that he needs to slow down with you. Tell him to stop going overboard with the gifts because it's not what you like. You have tried to tell him but you haven't tried hard enough because he hasn't got the message. This is a no-brainer. You HAVE to try again to get it through to him that you like him but this not what you want, and if he slows down and has some patience then you know he is serious. Do not take his strong advances again. Make sure he understands. His financial status is irrelevant, what you want is.

September 23, 2009

Slow down, slow waaaay down.

Hey, maybe he is crazy about you - why wouldnt he be??

But when people go that far that fast...its kind of manic.

You want to make SURE he doesnt do this, like, every few months.

Cuz that happens too

September 23, 2009

Just to add to my earlier post

“I don’t feel like I need to censor myself at all with you because everything I feel is so right, you are the one woman I have waited for my entire life, you are prefect in every way for me and I just want to shower you with attention and actions. I am very serious about you and want a future with you I want it all with you. I know this now, I feel it, it feels so right

HIM HIM HIM. I I I I. ME ME ME

He should bloody well feel like he needs to censor himself because you've asked him to. Ask him again and if he can't do it he's too immature. Give him the message loud and clear. You tell him YOU want this to go slow. He has no good reason to rush you. End of discussion. You do not need to complicate this issue any further.

September 23, 2009

He is 35 and I am 38, and he is not a player or womanizer. He is just a good hearted guy who is academically very well rounded and who also has the street smarts to be as successful as he is. While his friends in university were off clubbing and trying to get laid he was working hard to make something of himself.

He was abused physically by his father as a child and never had a stable family unit his dad had an alcohol problem and he promised to himself he would never turn into his dad in any shape way or form, hence his great devotion to his children.

But at the same time I think he might have low self esteem issues because of this which is why he is so eager to give so much so soon but he says that is what he is used to giving like that because to look at him you would never guess that he has esteem issues he is very self confident, at ease, good looking tall and extremely well dressed, impeccable taste.

In terms of the emotional stuff he assures me he is typically very reserved and he would not be saying anything he did not know for certain he was feeling at this point.

OK, and here's the bit that confirms the concerns...

He is currently enjoying a 'perfect' relationship, which is exciting for him, but it's not real... not yet...

It cannot be real until you guys have been together longer...

You might be living in the pages of a romance novel (they often go from first meeting to declaring undying love in about 3-4 weeks), or you might be with someone who has an unrealistic idea about what's involved in a relationship...

If it's the first (romance novel) then good luck to you, please invite me to the wedding

If it's the second (unrealistic man) then you need to be very, very careful - because as soon as he realises you are not perfect (which will happen eventually - I'm sure you wouldn't claim perfection) then it will quite possibly freak him out, to a degree that you won't expect, and won't be able to understand...

As I often do, I'm gonna quote from one of this board's favourite relationship authors (Steven Carter - Getting to Commitment)

What is it that you are looking for? What it is you are hoping to find? Experience tells me that it’s not really a person you are chasing down the street, it is a feeling that you are after. That magical feeling so many of us are desperate to find is the feeling of ‘perfect connection’ that exists only in our dreams.

There is no real connection that can feel this complete. There is no real person who has this much magic.

Most of us who are looking for that feeling of perfect merger are looking for a feeling we lost very early in life – in infancy or early childhood. And the place to come to terms with that loss is in the office of a trained therapist or counsellor who can help you put those pieces of your past together.

No partner can be expected to make up for that loss, but there are plenty of partners who still have lots of love to offer. Don’t keep turning your back on these real people, and their real love, because you are determined to find something all-consuming and larger than life.

If this is what's going on (I'm directing this at him, not you), then be very cautious, and SLOW THINGS DOWN...

Or don't - but I would suggest you get the book above, and open your eyes to what could be going on... I wish I'd known what we were dealing with when I was with my CP, coz then maybe we would have gone the distance...!

September 23, 2009

Look, tell him again, sincerely that he needs to slow down with you. Tell him to stop going overboard with the gifts because it's not what you like. You have tried to tell him but you haven't tried hard enough because he hasn't got the message. This is a no-brainer. You HAVE to try again to get it through to him that you like him but this not what you want, and if he slows down and has some patience then you know he is serious. Do not take his strong advances again. Make sure he understands. His financial status is irrelevant, what you want is.

I have told him, I keept telling him. The gifts stopped this week because I told him please no more extravagant gifts save that for when you know me better, I am with you for you not for what you could do for me materialistically. He insists it's his nature to be generous because he can and he wants to make me happy, but this week it has stopped "so far"

the point now is he does not slow down in his words and actions wanting me to meet his kids telling me over and over how into me he is and how I am the one, he is goin to tell me ILU any minute now. how do I make that stop without hurting his feelings. I can't be ruthless like you suggested I like this man very much and care about him, I want him in my life not out for good.

Slow down, slow waaaay down.

Hey, maybe he is crazy about you - why wouldnt he be??

But when people go that far that fast...its kind of manic.
You want to make SURE he doesnt do this, like, every few months.

Cuz that happens too

You definitely left me thinking 2Sure thanks for that. Yes I have thought of that what is he is like this in spurts impulsive and flippant and he decides no not into this anymore just a few months down, tha's is exactly how I feel.

What did you mean by "want to make sure he doesn't do it every month, do what?

and yes of course he could just be into me I know I am catch but this is too much. I have had men fall very hard for me rather fast, but not with this level of intensity of the things he says and plans he makes and gifts but because I have never dates someone this wealthy I don't know if it is perhaps standard behavious in his "world" or he is as you said "manic"

September 23, 2009

Just to add to my earlier post HIM HIM HIM. I I I I. ME ME ME

He should bloody well feel like he needs to censor himself because you've asked him to. Ask him again and if he can't do it he's too immature. Give him the message loud and clear. You tell him YOU want this to go slow. He has no good reason to rush you. End of discussion. You do not need to complicate this issue any further.

Well he is talking about how HE feels, he should very well focus on him and not me. I don't find a problem with the fact that he speaks from the "I" "I" "I" he is sharing with me what he is going through and what is happening to him emotionally, he can only do that. He can't speak for me so he speaks for himself.

He has asked me if when he tells me stuff it creeps me out since he does not want to say or do anything to scare me off but that he just doesn't want to hide how he feels that he wants to be totally honest and I tell him not creep me out but that it does create a lot of pressure for me that I cannot live up to since he has me on such a pestal that what will happen when he realizes I am FAR from perfect?

His answer is always the same, "I don't expect you to be perfect I just see in your traits and things that I have always wished for in a mate and that I never had, I never got to be with a woman who had all the exact traits that you manifest in such a short time, for this alone I feel you are so right for me. I feel like I could open up and share anthing with you, I never had that level of comfort with a woman so soon so clearly"

How can I dispute that? I feel he has the same traits I seek as well, and they are perfectly everything I look up to and admire in a man. He has a lot of integrity and is decent and good hearted. He does charity work and is generally a caring person. It's like his personality and character do not match with his looks and social standing since he could be an utter and complete prick and he is not. doe that make sense? He is gentle and caring and sweet.

September 23, 2009

If this is what's going on (I'm directing this at him, not you), then be very cautious, and SLOW THINGS DOWN...

Or don't - but I would suggest you get the book above, and open your eyes to what could be going on... I wish I'd known what we were dealing with when I was with my CP, coz then maybe we would have gone the distance...!

I am doing everything I can to slow things down that is my problem he won't let me one way or another he still gets the message across that he is falling hard.

What is a CP?

If it's the second (unrealistic man) then you need to be very, very careful - because as soon as he realises you are not perfect (which will happen eventually - I'm sure you wouldn't claim perfection) then it will quite possibly freak him out, to a degree that you won't expect, and won't be able to understand...

He says he doesn't think I am perfect he says he thinks I have the perfect traits he looks for in a woman which he never had.

But yes I am afraid of how we will act in a few months time as he gets to know me better.

Then on the other hand it feels so good to be this intensely into someone that I am afraid to quash it all by overanalyzing and not just going with the flow. Grrrrr it's SO confusing, when it should be really good and exciting and fun.

September 23, 2009

I can't be ruthless like you suggested I like this man very much and care about him, I want him in my life not out for good.

Sincere isn't the same as ruthless, and if you can't tell him honestly what you want then you are simply going to run into a problem. You simply need breathing space. You sound very positive on the guy but he's practically suffocating you right now and isn't it better to protect the relationship than his feelings? That's how I see it, but obviously it's much easier for me to say this as a stranger than to consider what's best in the situation.

Incidentally, his wealth is neither here nor there. I can probably match or even better it. It's a red herring. His behaviour towards you is quite insincere wealth or not in my opinion. That's why I suggest you set the example by being sincere.

September 23, 2009

You just need to get a sense of what is necessary for *you*, to be sure your relationship has got to the 'real' stage...

Some advice I was given when getting into the relationship with my CP (commitment phobe) - we were at the crazy exciting start (he was talking engagement at 3 weeks), and as a caution I was told you need to have had 3 proper arguments before you know if you can go the distance...

So all the time you can't believe you could ever argue /disagree, you know you're still in the exciting start-up phase...

And why 3? Because the first doesn't count - the first argument in a relationship is still quite polite Knowing you can do it twice, and recover, is relevant...

I thought it made sense...

September 23, 2009

InspiredbyYou, do you know anything about his past relationships, how many there were and why they ended?

September 23, 2009

What is a CP?

Oops - sorry - commitment phobe (someone who's frightened of 'real' relationships because their history hasn't given them enough experience of real - e.g. parental divorce or childhood abuse...)

I am doing everything I can to slow things down that is my problem he won't let me one way or another he still gets the message across that he is falling hard.

Then on the other hand it feels so good to be this intensely into someone that I am afraid to quash it all by overanalyzing and not just going with the flow. Grrrrr it's SO confusing, when it should be really good and exciting and fun.

You have 2 choices...

You can either buy a copy of The Rules, and follow a reasonable amount of it - e.g. the first date would raise red flags - 2-3 hours is reasonable, because otherwise it's too much, too soon... e.g. limit phone calls... e.g. don't see him too often during the week...

Their theory is that guys often burn themselves out at the start - you're more likely to get something that lasts if you pace it.

On the other hand - I went with the flow with my CP - I spent insane amounts of time with him, and crazy hours on the phone - and I don't regret a minute of it...

I think I would regret things far more now if I thought I'd played games - I would be left wondering if things would have turned out differently if I'd played different games, or played the games in different ways, or not played games at all...

I was left completely heart-broken when the 'crazy start' burnt out, but the only thing I wish I had done differently is known about this Phobia, so that he could have had the option of seeing what he was doing and he could have chosen to start getting it healed...

So go into it with your eyes open - and enjoy the ride... At least, that's what I'd do...

Why walk away if he could be being genuine...

September 23, 2009

Incidentally, his wealth is neither here nor there. I can probably match or even better it. It's a red herring. His behaviour towards you is quite insincere wealth or not in my opinion. That's why I suggest you set the example by being sincere.

Well actually his wealth is something to consider, for me at least, ever since we started dating he has come over in a different car each car ranging in the 150K range, he lives in a 3 million dollar home in a neighbourhood where where all the houses are 600K is this really the lifestyle I want? It is a big concern for me actually since what are the implications of all this?

Yes you just nailed it, that is exactly what it is, if feels insincere now though I see the way he is with me when he meets me he is like a teenager nervous and eyes with pupils the size of his actual eyes and completely gushing to see me and be with me, you cannot fake that kind of physical reaction. Where as in the first week it felt natural and completely fun and exciting now his verbal intensity is making get my guard up. I also don't want to be a killjoy for him.

And why 3? Because the first doesn't count - the first argument in a relationship is still quite polite Knowing you can do it twice, and recover, is relevant...

I thought it made sense...

wow I really like the sounds of that it makes perfect sense!

September 23, 2009

Oh, and plan something to say in response to the "i love you"...

My ex told me he was "falling for me" (I'd previously said I didn't think we should say the L-word until we were really sure it meant something), and I said "well that's good to know"

Ick.

I regret that too... so ungracious

Maybe "I really think I could love you too - I'm just not ready to say it yet."...?

Suggestions people?

September 23, 2009

InspiredbyYou, do you know anything about his past relationships, how many there were and why they ended?

That is a very good question and here is the kicker, he was with his wife since they were 16 first g/f. and divorced for 3 yrs now. His marriage ended because he was involved with her father in a business together but he was the brains and the one with the titles and also the one who was working 80 hr weeks to make sure the business stayed a float, while her father and son (who was also working for the business but did nothing at all) went golfing all the time and while he broke his back to make sure the business kept growing. He said he could see a lifetime of this until he died and he had numerous health issues from stress and high blood pressure.

So he expressed to his wife that he wanted to sell the company or get his part out and she said to him you leave the company you leave me. She is Greek and they are very tightly knit in the whole family and he had problems of the parents meddling into their lives and it became so overbearing and he refused to speak up for many years until he had enough. He has since had one relationship with one woman for less than a year and dated a total of 4 women he was set up on from his circle of people, and they were all goldiggers just looking to see what they can get from him. One of them even asked him for 5K after two dates. He says he is not one to date and doesn’t bother for some reason I believe him, is that stupid of me?

I am telling you this man is unlike anyone I have ever met. He wants me to meet his family (sisters/parents) why would lie about all this if I could eventually get it out his family? I just don’t know what to think.

September 23, 2009

The nature of an entrepreneur, is a lot of flash. What you're going to have to learn to differentiate, is the ones with solely flash and no substance. To know this, takes getting to know the real man inside. This should be focused towards his values, how he treats other people and not just you. Children are exempt since he's compensating for his childhood.

Take a look at how he treats the rest of his family, his friends and random strangers, particularly how he treats wait staff, etc. If he's the buyer type, he will treat them like crap. If he's someone with substance, he will treat them with like people, with a reasonable amount of respect.

September 23, 2009

That is a very good question and here is the kicker, he was with his wife since they were 16 first g/f. and divorced for 3 yrs now. His marriage ended because he was involved with her father in a business together but he was the brains and the one with the titles and also the one who was working 80 hr weeks to make sure the business stayed a float, while her father and son (who was also working for the business but did nothing at all) went golfing all the time and while he broke his back to make sure the business kept growing. He said he could see a lifetime of this until he died and he had numerous health issues from stress and high blood pressure.

So he expressed to his wife that he wanted to sell the company or get his part out and she said to him you leave the company you leave me. She is Greek and they are very tightly knit in the whole family and he had problems of the parents meddling into their lives and it became so overbearing and he refused to speak up for many years until he had enough. He has since had one relationship with one woman for less than a year and dated a total of 4 women he was set up on from his circle of people, and they were all goldiggers just looking to see what they can get from him. One of them even asked him for 5K after two dates. He says he is not one to date and doesn’t bother for some reason I believe him, is that stupid of me?

I am telling you this man is unlike anyone I have ever met. He wants me to meet his family (sisters/parents) why would lie about all this if I could eventually get it out his family? I just don’t know what to think.

Notice how it's always everyone else's fault? Be careful of someone who can't balance his part in the cessation of meaningful relationships.

September 23, 2009

Well actually his wealth is something to consider, for me at least, ever since we started dating he has come over in a different car each car ranging in the 150K range, he lives in a 3 million dollar home in a neighbourhood where where all the houses are 600K is this really the lifestyle I want? It is a big concern for me actually since what are the implications of all this?

Ok I can definitely see where you're coming from on that point then. Although I don't see it so much the wealth as the extravagance and it sounds like a possible incompatibility in lifestyles in that sense, however, that may not be insurmountable, but it's definitely something to consider if he allowed you the space!

Yes you just nailed it, that is exactly what it is, if feels insincere now though I see the way he is with me when he meets me he is like a teenager nervous and eyes with pupils the size of his actual eyes and completely gushing to see me and be with me, you cannot fake that kind of physical reaction. Where as in the first week it felt natural and completely fun and exciting now his verbal intensity is making get my guard up. I also don't want to be a killjoy for him.

Yes it's tricky. The problem is though, it's not good to be in this position in the first place where you're so worried about popping his bubble that it's pushing you away from him. It's fundamental in a relationship to be able to speak honestly, have him take it on board, discuss it and then move forward, but it sounds like you're in a pretty difficult situation right now on the communication front and going nowhere. I do empathise. It seems like he's almost blinding you with all these extravagant gestures and words, but then as I'm learning more about the guy it also seems this fits with his lifestyle.

September 23, 2009

Take a look at how he treats the rest of his family, his friends and random strangers, particularly how he treats wait staff, etc. If he's the buyer type, he will treat them like crap. If he's someone with substance, he will treat them with like people, with a reasonable amount of respect.

What is the "buyer type" not sure what you mean? I think I saw a bit of that with one waiter he was a little unecessarily rude. What does that mean?

Notice how it's always everyone else's fault? Be careful of someone who can't balance his part in the cessation of meaningful relationships.

No he takes full responsibility for being spineless and weak he knows it is 100% his fault how things went. He doesn't blame his exwife for things he blames her family for being too overbearing as this is the "greek" way. Alos for many years getting caught up in the flash of that whole lifestyle since he came from nothing and never had a family unit he stuck in out because he craved family so much and a good life.

September 23, 2009

Ok I can definitely see where you're coming from on that point then. Although I don't see it so much the wealth as the extravagance and it sounds like a possible incompatibility in lifestyles in that sense, however, that may not be insurmountable, but it's definitely something to consider if he allowed you the space! Yes it's tricky. The problem is though, it's not good to be in this position in the first place where you're so worried about popping his bubble that it's pushing you away from him. It's fundamental in a relationship to be able to speak honestly, have him take it on board, discuss it and then move forward, but it sounds like you're in a pretty difficult situation right now on the communication front and going nowhere. I do empathise. It seems like he's almost blinding you with all these extravagant gestures and words, but then as I'm learning more about the guy it also seems this fits with his lifestyle.

Yes why do you think I turned to strangers for advice?

My friends and family blow steam up me telling me "but you are great why couldn't this be true" I say because if it looks too good to be true, it is not.

Then again I am a skeptic at heart and very cautious of people...

and we do speak honestly I just don't think I have been firm enough on telling him to slow down the verbal comments, I need to drive it home. I don't want to kill what we have either what if he really does feel this feel connected? I feel it so why can't it happen to him? Difference is I don't go overboard with future plans and expressing things...

September 23, 2009

Hmmm, perhaps you're exactly what he needs, someone to bring him down to earth. I hope you resolve this

September 23, 2009

What is the "buyer type" not sure what you mean? I think I saw a bit of that with one waiter he was a little unecessarily rude. What does that mean?

"You're serving me and are subhuman", ignoring them and not being polite and respectful. Not tipping well, when service is good. Nitpicking the service or food, in an unreasonable fashion, then skimping on tips.

No he takes full responsibility for being spineless and weak he knows it is 100% his fault how things went. He doesn't blame his exwife for things he blames her family for being too overbearing as this is the "greek" way. Alos for many years getting caught up in the flash of that whole lifestyle since he came from nothing and never had a family unit he stuck in out because he craved family so much and a good life.

"Her family's fault. All the women were gold-diggers."

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