bayouboi Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 when your SO hasn't had sex with you for 2 weeks. I went through a divorce more than a year ago with a woman that cheated on me. Now, when physical intimacy with my current girlfriend goes from smoking hot to icy cold for 2 straight weeks, my mind starts wondering/wandering. Because of our work schedules we only see each other 2 maybe 3 times a week but these past two weeks the time spent together ends with her not feeling up to it for one reason or another. I know the reasons are likely legitimate, but my inner demons are driving me crazy thinking of all of the reasons. Does this happen to anyone else?
Lauriebell82 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Usually at the beginning of the relationship the sex is more frequent/hot because it is new. How long have the two of you been together? Ask her about it. Don't accuse her of cheating or act suspicious, but just ask her if everything is all right and if there is a particular reason why she has not wanted to have sex lately. She may be depressed or just plain tired.
Author bayouboi Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 We've been together now for nearly a year. I'm sure that stress and being tired has alot to do with it. She's been having to work more than she has had to in the past lately. She knows it's been a while and has apologized for not feeling up to it. I feel like a jerk for it even to be affecting me, but one thing I hate is feeling guilty about being so attracted to her and then the feeling of rejection that comes with yet another night of no physical connection. I know that me pressuring her doesn't help the situation especially if she's already stressed, so I've backed off to give her some space but it sucks and I wish that she could see sex as a potential stress relief as it usually is for me.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 We've been together now for nearly a year. I'm sure that stress and being tired has alot to do with it. She's been having to work more than she has had to in the past lately. She knows it's been a while and has apologized for not feeling up to it. I feel like a jerk for it even to be affecting me, but one thing I hate is feeling guilty about being so attracted to her and then the feeling of rejection that comes with yet another night of no physical connection. I know that me pressuring her doesn't help the situation especially if she's already stressed, so I've backed off to give her some space but it sucks and I wish that she could see sex as a potential stress relief as it usually is for me. Yes, DEFINATELY do not pressure her..it will make her want to do it even less believe me. I can understand why you are paranoid after being cheated on. Does your girlfriend know that's why your marriage ended?
Author bayouboi Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Yeah she's aware of what happened with that. She's even said as much that it's not that there's someone else or that she wants there to be someone else. She said she's the type that if she didn't want to be with me, she would just not be with me. I believe all this and love this girl and see us with a future together and I guess society's so oversexed these days that I'm thinking 2 whole weeks sets off false alarms.
Author bayouboi Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Oi, reading all these 'nice guy' 'bad boy' threads are painful this morning. We talked about the lack of intimacy last night and she said at the moment she doesn't feel as if I'm as confident and happy as I was earlier in the relationship and that she feels like she's burdened with making me happy through sex and the pressure has had her turned off. Because I read alot here, I basically told her that from what I've learned once a woman is turned off, it's a done deal. So I asked her if she wanted a break from me. She told me she didn't want to break from me, she wants things to be how they used to be. The problem is, I haven't exactly changed anything in this time...I still do thoughtful things for her and showed her I loved her the way I always had. The only thing that changed was the decrease in sex from her end and repulsion from me when I initiated. So at this point, since I've never changed anything about myself, I don't exactly know how I can do anything to change where we're heading. Can anyone advise?
New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Oi, reading all these 'nice guy' 'bad boy' threads are painful this morning. We talked about the lack of intimacy last night and she said at the moment she doesn't feel as if I'm as confident and happy as I was earlier in the relationship and that she feels like she's burdened with making me happy through sex and the pressure has had her turned off. Because I read alot here, I basically told her that from what I've learned once a woman is turned off, it's a done deal. So I asked her if she wanted a break from me. She told me she didn't want to break from me, she wants things to be how they used to be. The problem is, I haven't exactly changed anything in this time...I still do thoughtful things for her and showed her I loved her the way I always had. The only thing that changed was the decrease in sex from her end and repulsion from me when I initiated. So at this point, since I've never changed anything about myself, I don't exactly know how I can do anything to change where we're heading. Can anyone advise? She told you exactly what her problem is. I don't think the solution is to say "but I haven't changed anything!" If you're unclear what she was referring to, maybe you could ask her for specific examples of what she's talking about, to clarify to you exactly what the problem is? What have you been doing (or not doing) that makes her think you're unhappy and lacking confidence? What I got from this post is that you're completely ignoring everything she said to you and insisting that she's wrong, since you don't perceive anything is different on your end. She's telling you the lack of sex is the result of something else, and you're insisting that the only thing that's different is that she won't have sex with you. See the problem here? Nothing will get resolved if you think/approach it that way.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Yeah, I agree with New Again that you're maybe not really listening to what she's saying. I also wonder how long it was between the time your marriage ended and you started this relationship. It seems like your M ended a little over a year ago and you've been with this woman for a little less than a year? Also, you said "I know the reasons are likely legitimate, but my inner demons are driving me crazy thinking of all of the reasons." which makes me think that maybe you should have dealt with the fallout from your marriage falling apart - all those inner demons - before getting involved in a new relationship. Perhaps what she's noticing is that once the blush of new romance wore off all those inner demons could no longer be denied by you and you're facing them now but transfering them onto her instead of dealing with them. Is it possible you rushed into this relationship?
Author bayouboi Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I honestly didn't feel as if I got into this relationship too early after my wife left me. In fact, that was one thing I guarded myself against shortly after she left me. Now my feelings died for her almost immediately because I discovered she cheated on me. After she left, it was a little more than 6 months when I met my current gf. I agree with you that it's obvious I'm acting different in some way or other, at least as perceived by her...I just don't know how to change if I can't exactly recognize what I'm doing differently. The 'nice guy' vs 'bad boy' thread got me thinking that as much as I do things for her and pretty much use the relationship to try and make her happy, I've just become a doormat and boring to her.
Author bayouboi Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Just to add so I can have somewhere to let it out, what's worse is now I've come to realize what goes on in the mind of cheaters like my ex. I haven't been feeling validated by my gf and recently and old friend has come into the picture. She lightly flirts with me and I've found myself lightly flirting back because we're both down on relationships atm. The temptation and the opportunities have been there, but I won't let myself cross those lines until I resolve my current relationship. My preference would be to just get things back to par with my current gf because I see myself wanting to have a future with her...just not a sexless one.
Hkizzle Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 If she's stressed out and that's causing her to lose interest temporarily then pray it's not a long term prob. Download some porn and masturbate as a short term fix.
seoa Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Have you heard the saying - if a guy wants to have sex with his girl on Saturday, he needs to start working on it from Monday... Are you doing the things you were doing before you guys started having sex (assuming you didn't jump right into it on date 1 - if you did, then use your imagination - go back to your teen years, when you weren't even gonna get to Base 1)...? Start flirting with her... Accept that you're not gonna have sex for a week, and spend that week having FUN - flirt, tease, ENJOY her, play with her hair, massage her feet, get a little hot 'n' heavy with the kissing, but stop it there... drive HER wild with your self-control... Spend a week being a teenager (the pre-sex kind) and see where it gets you...
seoa Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 she said at the moment she doesn't feel as if I'm as confident and happy as I was earlier in the relationship and that she feels like she's burdened with making me happy through sex and the pressure has had her turned off. Why are you not as happy? And don't just say sex - in her view the sex stopped because she felt responsible for your happiness... Dig a little deeper...
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Why are you not as happy? And don't just say sex - in her view the sex stopped because she felt responsible for your happiness... Dig a little deeper... You mentioned that you've made her happiness the point of the relationship. But really by doing that you're making her responsible for your happiness. See?
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 she doesn't feel as if I'm as confident and happy as I was earlier in the relationship and that she feels like she's burdened with making me happy through sex and the pressure has had her turned off. She's projecting her own feelings onto you and making you responsible for the change in her behavior and attraction. Not a bad mind f*ck, but my wife was much better. She's older though. More experience. Tell me, how is she with expressing non-sexual physical affection?
Author bayouboi Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 She's projecting her own feelings onto you and making you responsible for the change in her behavior and attraction. Not a bad mind f*ck, but my wife was much better. She's older though. More experience. Tell me, how is she with expressing non-sexual physical affection? She initiates hand holding and making sure we sit close to each other as much, if not more than, I do. In fact, everything's usually pretty close physically, until she starts to realize I'm feelin' frisky, then she becomes almost irritated and/or repulsed. Also, she's been more into pecks than deep kissing lately. The other day I pretty much forced a deeper kiss on her out of my own frustration and she actually responded and started to feel and act turned on, but had to leave for work despite my near begging for a quickie. I think I may have to take Hkizzle's advice on this one.
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Next question: In the past, when you approached her physically, was it in your mind each time that your affection would lead to sex? IOW, were you being affectionate to show your love and intimacy with her, or were you horny and wanting to get laid?
Author bayouboi Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Next question: In the past, when you approached her physically, was it in your mind each time that your affection would lead to sex? IOW, were you being affectionate to show your love and intimacy with her, or were you horny and wanting to get laid? Honestly I'd have to say a mix. What I mean is, to me the goal of that affection wasn't immediate sex, but the closeness the affection brought about was a part of coming together that at some point (whether later that day, week or whenever) culminated in sex. However, the less and less validated I've felt with these recent rejections of my advances, the more I feel like the affections have been simply to get sex. Which makes me feel like I need to back away from being affectionate until I can rewire my head, but I don't know how to.
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Kizzle's advice will help you knock the edge off the blue balls, which I think will help you 're-wire your head'. Give it a try. Hey, you can always masturbate in front of her. Maybe that'll jump-start her
fatamus Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I dated a girl who would hold out for more than 2 weeks at times and we saw each other every day, it drove me crazy. She had some health issues that damaged her big time which wasnt helping to say the least and she never really did anything special for me or put any effort into sex. All girls are different, my current GF wants it more than me, she is a sex freak the kind thats down anywhere anytime.
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